I feel trapped by my in laws...help?!

[Chuckitinthefuckitbucket]

I really don't know where to start, it's a very long and boring story so I'll try and be brief.
My dp (fiancé) is an only child, I mention this as I feel it's relevant to my pil's behaviour.
He's 27 and I'm 21, we have a daughter (their only granddaughter, alspo relevant). I fell pregnant unexpectadly and pil were very unhappy, I won't go into details but it resulted in my mil dragging me into a field whilst I balled my eyes out and she cried and begged me to abort my child whilst fil grilled DP at home. Previous to this dp's relationship was strained with his parents, apparently ever since he left home they had been a total mess, very controlling and manipulative, the first time I met them dps mother cried and screamed at him (for not seeing her in a month) accusing him of changing, not caring and being a failure (so odd) she cried and stormed up and down the stairs whilst dps dad shouted at him for upsetting his mother.
I should've run for the hills.
They have continued to try (I must admit due to my naivety and perhaps me being a bit immature and trying to please mil, they have succeeded) at manipulating dp and I to "do as we are told" and we have spent 3 years walking on egg shells around them.
I'm exhausted by it all and right now just want to run away.
I came across a load of emails from fil (to do) who basically accused me of depriving our child of being spoilt by her grandparents and of a normal life by asking them to stop buying her gifts every week, to keep gifts to trips out, quality time with them and obviously presents from birthday and Xmas and Easter if they wish (they can shower her in as much love and attention as they wish but I don't want to bring up a child spoiled by materialistic things) I always thought they liked me (they've always expressed that dp grates on them but never me) but they accused me of "despising the way they lived because they have money" etc (they think everyone who isn't as rich as them is jealous of them) mil constantly bangs on about it and told dp I need to "man up and put ss first".
Now, I'm furious, because all this was hidden from me, they really layed into Me and my family basically saying they want "access" to dd etc and that my own mother has no problems with "acsess" but she sees dd the same amount, if not less than them.
They constantly put dp down, he shrinks into a scares child around them and it's depressing to watch, all they do is tell him he's a failure, that he's fat, that ime fat and nag and nag about our parenting ect (I think we are pretty amazing parents, we make some mistakes with not sticking to our guns with dd when she throws paddys but not bad parents)
I'm ranting now, there's just so much to this I feel I can't write it all down. Mil has now started coming over uninvited so I can't even hide from them anymore and I'm just devastated ive got this for the rest of their lives.
What an earth do I do?

[darkness]

"I was giving chuckit a break"
"I didn't ask for this how dare you presume to think you know what I want or need !"

or the "she fell asleep" card.
"How dare you fall asleep when in charge of my child., what are you ..senile ?"

[Chuckitinthefuckitbucket]

I've messaged her and called, I've told dp too and he's about to call her.
Whilst I'm a little worried I know what she'll be doing, bath and dinner. Don't knownwhy she's so fussed about bathing her and feeding her- always has been a bit obsessed with mummying her.

[namechange0dq8]

I've messaged her and called, I've told dp too and he's about to call her.

Phoning the police and reporting a child abduction would get her attention.

[Longtalljosie]

Go over there! Look, my MIL isn't as bad as yours but also v controlling. You need to turn up on the doorstep and say "you were only supposed to be gone an hour, what happened? I had plans!" Be cross. She behaves this way because she doesn't trust that you'll let her be a part of your life unless she forces you to. Put the wind up her - you have more power than you think...

[Vivacia]

You don't have to say "no". You just say "that doesn't work for me". I'm not sure why you were even talking to her today. You'd already told her you had plans so no need to answer the phone.

I can understand why she's overstepping boundaries if she doesn't know where they are.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

chuckit,

re your comment:-
"Don't know why she's so fussed about bathing her and feeding her- always has been a bit obsessed with mummying her".

That is not really surprising either; toxic parents like this often do such behaviours. You have really been very naïve here I am sorry to say and part of you probably still cannot quite believe that people do act like this.

Its because she wants to parent your child and regards her as her own, she feels she can do a better job than you and probably also regards her as the daughter she never had. She's already messed up with her son and now wants to have another go at childrearing.

You are this child's mother, not she, so you and your man have the final say on your child's welfare.

Your above comment is also a red flag indicator not to have anything further to do with his parents.

[Chuckitinthefuckitbucket]

She's just let herself in the house with fil, child asleep on his shoulders at 5pm
I asked where an earth they've been and that I've been trying to get hold of them and got "she was being a nightmare so thought it best we give you a break"
They haven't put her down for a sleep, she's been up since 6, she's 2! No wonder de was a grump

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

People like his mother however, have no concept of boundaries and see these as inconveniences to be ignored (just like you and your son have been). Today is a prime example of ignored boundaries; she never had any intention to bring your child back after one hour.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Presumably they let themselves in with their own key; if this is the case you will need to get the locks changed.

They must never look after your child solely again; they are completely ill equipped to do so and now they dump your tired DD back onto you.

They also made a right hash of raising their son too, similar damage will be done to your DD if you at all allow this to continue.

[rollmeover]

They have a key? Get it back or change the locks.
If you are not able for that, deadlock the door when you are in so they have to ring the doorbell to get in.

(My parents would give a quick ring of the bell then walk in but we dont have any other boundary issues that you guys have so I dont mind - and they would never let themselves in when I wasnt there)

[LazyLouLou]

Long, long conversation with your DH is now required.

You don't have to say 'They cannot' but can certainly say that you are now beyond furious with the constant usurping of your life. It really is not acceptable that they disappear off for unknown lengths of time without keeping in contact.

Don't be too polite either, cry if you feel like it. You are being far too polite and contained.

And next time, should there be a next time, go absolutely sky high with her and her stupid comments/assumptions. You are allowed to be visibly, audibly furious with her actions!

And CHANGE THE LOCK!

[Jux]

Chuck, this is hard for you, I know, and damn near impossible for your dp. You are going to have to have a big talk with him about this because so far the way he 'manages' his parents seems to be to ignore them and let you deal woth them. This is so bloody unfair. He has to make the effort to do it himself.

My MIL seemed to think she was joined to dh at the hip, despite his complete lack of interest in her - he simply engineered everything so I had to put up with her (he even invited her to my birthday party so I had to look after her and sit with her in the corner and watch everybody else having a good time; divorce was very close). In the end I did just as said upthread, either handed the phone straight to dh or said he was out, would call her back and hung up. In the end, I stopped going over there altogether, and she stopped wandering into ours. Then we moved 150 miles away.

She is not your mum, or your friend. Detach, you owe her no duty. Leave her to dp.

[mojo17]

Hmm knew it would be someone like this
Ok
Ask them to stay and put her to bed for you while you go for a walk
They would then see the repercussions of their actions
Or
Just detach disengage hand the phone over to dh and just don't answer the phone they had to o now
Really serious talk with dh and whose the child is this and who's the parent
It will be hard to assert yourself but what is the alternative, a few months of aggro compared with a lifetime

[thebrideishighbutimholdingon]

I'm a bit confused about your DP. You say he refuses to go NC and would be upset if you insisted on it. However, he ignores their emails and phone calls and expects you to deal with them - they can never get hold of him so they target you? So, effectively, he is already NC with them.

If he genuinely doesn't want to go NC, then he has to deal with them himself and not expect you to deal with all the things he doesn't want to do. Otherwise it's totally unfair on you.

Next time MIL demands offers to take DD, you're well within your rights to say no, you blew it when you said you'd keep her an hour and took her all day.

Oh and when you say no to things, don't justify / explain. Your big mistake was to tell her your plans instead of just saying it's not convenient.

[IggyStrop]

"I agreed as it would only be an hour...it's turned into 5"

God, my blood would be BOILING. They absolutely cannot be trusted. Please put your foot down, this is completely unacceptable! Your DP isn't managing the situation at all, I'm sorry it's all falling to you but you're going to have to do something because your ILs are pulling ALL the strings.

[NorahDentressangle]

she was being a nightmare so thought it best we give you a break

If someone said this of one of my DCs I'd be heartbroken about what actually went on. Did they shout at her, did they shake her, did they bribe her with sweets to shut her up?

Don't think they'd be having the DC on their own for a very long time.

I would move. Once your DD starts nursery or school you'll find it hard to justify moving her. Go now. Don't tell them or discuss.

Also don't assume they will always be good with DD, they might easily try to cause a rift between you - eg imagine in a few years DD asking why can't I go to Disneyland/beach/stay the weekend with DGPs who utterly spoil me why are you and Daddy so horrible to me........

[Skiptonlass]

The bathing is basically her wanting YOUR child to be her own. This is a massive, massive alarm bell for me. Do not let her have unsupervised access again.

It is absolutely unacceptable to take a child out for an hour and not come back for many hours with no communication. It is NOT ok. There must be no next time here. She has proven she cannot be trusted.

You need to change the locks pronto. Depending on the type of lock you can do this yourself with supplies from B and Q or similar. If you can't do that you need a bolt.

If you don't put proper boundaries in now, she will get worse. I'm not exaggerating when I say she will wreck your lives. She will get her claws into your daughter and drive a wedge between you and your dp. She will get you split up, her son back living with her and then you will have no control over how much access she has to your daughter. I have seen this happen to a friend. Please, do not let it happen to you.

[darkness]

what about if later - once you are calm - you and dp write a list which describes the kind of relationship you want with your inlaws. The "I would like list" - and the "I dont want them to list"
be brutally honst - and refine it between you - traet it as a fantasy exercise.
once your done seriously consider sending it to them explaining that boundries have become very blurred and that this is the relationship you want with them - and this is the ONLY relationship you want with them, and its not negotiable.
If your not strong enough to do that together then at least you will have a clear understanding of yours and Dhs boundries with them - but you will be policing them for years.
I've got to wonder what you are hoping for though, they arn't going to change just because you wish they would - there is no advantage in it for them, they are doing as they want now - and if they want more , they will start doing that too. Why shouldnt they ? Its not going to get better for you unless you make changes.

[mojo17]

Actually I hope they have now gone
?our dh needs to tell them that what they did was unacceptable
To keep a child from their parents without a word for that long causing unnecessary worry and you both were just about to call the police and hospitals to see where they were
Get him to lay it on the line exaggerate how worried and stressed you both were
He needs to say it from both of you so they get the messageThen he needs to ask them to apologise to you
Be very careful what you say to them from now on
Please disengage and detach don't answer the phone or emails
If they ask dh to make plans he needs to say will have to get back to you
If he makes plans without your input and you're not happy with them then he needs get back to them and change them
He needs to step up now
Goœd li
Uci with little one tonight and talk with dh go ballistic with him it's your family

[mojo17]

Good luck with little one tonight I mean and go ballistic with dh

[IggyStrop]

she was being a nightmare so thought it best we give you a break

"If someone said this of one of my DCs I'd be heartbroken about what actually went on."

Me too, actually. She was tired and probably wanted her mum, not too idiots trying to "mother" her.

[IggyStrop]

*too = two

[Vivacia]

I don't think that OP can change her partner. Or her in-laws. She could do tonnes to change how she behaves regarding these people.

[Skiptonlass]

Yup. You can't reason with people like this.

You've got to strap on your best iron ovaries and stand up to them.

Disengage. Be busy when they come round. Do not let them make plans that inconvenience you. Do not answer their calls.

Do not ever let them have dd again alone. If they protest, you bluntly say they kept her too long last time and that you cannot have that happen again.

Consider moving house.

[Jux]

Yes, Vivacia, she can detach, disengage and stop answering the phone or telling them what she and dd plan to do and she can change the locks.