I feel trapped by my in laws...help?!

[Chuckitinthefuckitbucket]

I really don't know where to start, it's a very long and boring story so I'll try and be brief.
My dp (fiancé) is an only child, I mention this as I feel it's relevant to my pil's behaviour.
He's 27 and I'm 21, we have a daughter (their only granddaughter, alspo relevant). I fell pregnant unexpectadly and pil were very unhappy, I won't go into details but it resulted in my mil dragging me into a field whilst I balled my eyes out and she cried and begged me to abort my child whilst fil grilled DP at home. Previous to this dp's relationship was strained with his parents, apparently ever since he left home they had been a total mess, very controlling and manipulative, the first time I met them dps mother cried and screamed at him (for not seeing her in a month) accusing him of changing, not caring and being a failure (so odd) she cried and stormed up and down the stairs whilst dps dad shouted at him for upsetting his mother.
I should've run for the hills.
They have continued to try (I must admit due to my naivety and perhaps me being a bit immature and trying to please mil, they have succeeded) at manipulating dp and I to "do as we are told" and we have spent 3 years walking on egg shells around them.
I'm exhausted by it all and right now just want to run away.
I came across a load of emails from fil (to do) who basically accused me of depriving our child of being spoilt by her grandparents and of a normal life by asking them to stop buying her gifts every week, to keep gifts to trips out, quality time with them and obviously presents from birthday and Xmas and Easter if they wish (they can shower her in as much love and attention as they wish but I don't want to bring up a child spoiled by materialistic things) I always thought they liked me (they've always expressed that dp grates on them but never me) but they accused me of "despising the way they lived because they have money" etc (they think everyone who isn't as rich as them is jealous of them) mil constantly bangs on about it and told dp I need to "man up and put ss first".
Now, I'm furious, because all this was hidden from me, they really layed into Me and my family basically saying they want "access" to dd etc and that my own mother has no problems with "acsess" but she sees dd the same amount, if not less than them.
They constantly put dp down, he shrinks into a scares child around them and it's depressing to watch, all they do is tell him he's a failure, that he's fat, that ime fat and nag and nag about our parenting ect (I think we are pretty amazing parents, we make some mistakes with not sticking to our guns with dd when she throws paddys but not bad parents)
I'm ranting now, there's just so much to this I feel I can't write it all down. Mil has now started coming over uninvited so I can't even hide from them anymore and I'm just devastated ive got this for the rest of their lives.
What an earth do I do?

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

This is certainly a case where NC has to be done and now for both your sakes. His parents will stop at nothing to destroy all of your family unit; they have almost emotionally destroyed their son in the process and they will do that to your DD as well. This is not something that can be at all sorted out, they are inherently unreasonable people.

You do not further engage with them at all after informing them that their services re your garden are not required. If they do turn up on Thursday I would phone the police to have them removed from your residence.

[Orange6358]

Move house? Even half an hour away will help

[Vivacia]

I would not advocate NC.

[GoatsDoRoam]

"Thanks for the offer, but I prefer to tackle my garden myself."

[Skiptonlass]

"Thank you for the offer but actually we have some fun plans for the garden. It would be silly for you to do work and us then to have to rip it all up again"
"We are out on Thursday by the way, all day. We will see you another time. Can you make sure you check with us before making plans? "

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Why would you not advocate NC Vivacia?. Genuine question.

My view is that sometimes NC is necessary for self preservation. OPs man has been on the receiving end of this all his life and they unsurprisingly have started on his own family unit as well. Such people are inherently unreasonable and will never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

[FenellaFellorick]

I realise that it's hard but nothing will ever change unless you and your partner change it.

His parents are not going to have some sort of epiphany. This isn't suddenly going to sort itself out. You aren't going to have any change in an amicable, painless, friendly way. That can't happen. Reasonable people expect unreasonable people to behave like reasonable people. They don't. They behave like unreasonable people and that is how you have to deal with them.

You have a choice, you can accept that it is going to be painful and you can do what is required to establish and maintain boundaries. Or you can do nothing that causes them to kick off and they will carry on treating their son like crap, you like crap and in time, when your daughter develops her own personality and isn't constantly compliant, they will treat her like crap too.

It's hard. It really is. Normal people don't like confrontation! People always want and need their parents to be good people who love them and nurture them and behave in a caring and supportive way and protect them when they are vulnerable.

Your husband may not have that and that is really sad and he does need help to process and deal with that but you and he cannot allow the fact that he never had it to make him and you not give it to your own daughter.

Give her the parents that he never had. Break the cycle.

[Rinkydinkypink]

I haven't read whole thread op but I've had similar for the last 18+ years.

The way I'm dealing with it is this.


We were out a lot for many years. We didn't answer the phone (numerous calls a day) for years. We stopped telling them about anything we were doing. We made our own decisions and if they verbally didn't agree we laughed at them and said we were all entitled to our own opinion.

We refused to go on holiday with them again and again and again. I accept I'm seen as the bad person who changed their son. We make sure we speak to them every week and try to see them at their house every 2-3 weeks for a few hours. We always have something else planned for afterwards (then we can leave when we want to).

Firstly you and dh have to have it out with each other. Then you need to distance yourselves in the nicest possible way. When you see them encourage them to find hobbies, go on holiday basically form their own life.

It's not easy op and you have my sympathy. It's nearly broken DH and I up so many times.

[BeaufortBelle]

I wouldn't have an issue with the present buying; I don't think you can control what another gifts.

I would have an enormous problem with the control aspects. They can't just turn up; involvement has to be on your terms. They can't keep losing their self control emotionally.

You need to be the key driver here to steer this in a healthy direction. You can only do that if you and your dp are completely and entirely independent of them and they have not contributed in any way to your life style or living expenses. If they support you at all financially then that has to stop.

The other thing to remember is that you are so young OP. You are the same age as my ds and there is no way he would be ready for a properly grown up relationship with a child and bills to pay and he is quite a mature young man.

You and dp really do need to break away. I suspect a bit of this is about them being deeply worried about you both not that I am trying to make allowances for them.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

These people are being their granddaughter stuff every week and they have already been told to stop.

The present buying in the OPs case is basically his parents wanting further control. Present buying like this is manipulative and done to buy the affections of the child at the expense of the child's parents.

[Whatnext2015]

Keep them at arms length and spend time having your OWN family time and say you have plans like suggested x

[SomewhereIBelong]

email back:

"Thursday does not work for me"

"Please arrange with DH to be here when he is not at work"

"I do not want you to do anything to my garden"

A previous ex's mother would only listen if I broke everything down to single sentence single issue things.

[Isetan]

You are not helping your partner by letting them bully you, that strategy hasn't worked for him. Set your own firm boundaries and police them, they will inevitably put pressure on your partner to bring you to heel but he is an adult.

As much as you love your partner, having the feelings of these bullies prioritised over you and your child's well being will lead to frustration and resentment. You are not his parent and can not shield him or take the blows in order to protect him. Encourage your partner to seek counselling and accept that he is an adult and has just as much say as you do, about how much of their toxicity he exposes himself to.

Your PIL behave like this because it works for them, they have been cruel to you because you are a threat to the status quo, pacifying a bully only rewards bad behaviour and is just an encouragement to more of the same.

Stand your ground, it'll be great practice for when the terrible two's are upon you.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

OP and her family unit are all being manipulated and emotionally abused here by his parents.

The problem with setting boundaries with such unreasonable people is that such people like OPs inlaws will simply rail against them and or ignore them. These people are really adults whose emotional development stalled at around six years of age.

OP and her partner can and should make boundaries for their own selves i.e. I will limit my exposure to abusive behaviour and I will set an example for my children by teaching them that we do not accept evil or abusive behaviour.

Also people like OPs man have never really had boundaries to begin with, his parents have controlled him from his very early days. Its very hard to set boundaries for yourself if you do not know how to set them in the first place.

[LazyLouLou]

Just say no.

"NO, I do not want you to do anything to my garden"

Don't palm it off on your DP, no excuses, just state it very clearly that you don't want them in your garden. Let the fallout happen... you are allowed not to get on with them.

After many years of being reviled behind my back DH and I got into the habit of imagining what mean epithets would be used about me if we did "a thing". And he shared the reality with me, once I got over myself and decided that their opinion had no bearing on my life and DH relaxed and stopped trying to protect me from it all.

When he chose to go to University they had an absolute ball

[Chuckitinthefuckitbucket]

Thank you everyone for your replies, there's air all of a sudden so I'm sorry if I miss things.
One thing that really stood out to me is that yes, I am young but actually no, they don't need to "worry" about me or dp financially or in any other way. They use the "we only say because we care" thing a lot but the truth is, we don't need financial support, we own our own home, dd goes to a good nursery, the bills are paid on time every month, dp has a very good career and earn well. Yes, I'm young but me and dp are actually more independent than my two older sisters (aged 36&38) and are a very happy, secure family unit. I'm actually pretty proud of it considering my age.
I get that I need to be more assertive and I do, but truth be I hate confrontation, I hate it and will avoid it if I can, if that means allowing mil to spend the afternoon moaning about my weight and how awful I'll look in my wedding photos then so be it, because Everytime anyone stands up to her she causes chaos.
I am going to reply to the gardening thing, with simple "sorry, we have made plans for thursday, I'll sort the garden at some point" (garden really isn't that bad, I need to get the lawn mower out).
But I just want these people to stop coming to me instead of their son, they do this because he tries his best to stay well out their reach (understandable) but they in turn get at me.
Dp is expected to be perfect, love up to their "standards" and if he doesn't he pays for it emotionally, he really does. He can't wear what he wants, his mother buys him clothes that his dad wears, telling him to lose weight constantly, that he should be higher up in his career etc and I've never come across it before in my life, he needs to be exactly what the expect or else he is told he's a "failure".
we can't move house, we've justed oved before Xmas, in laws are monied and actually told us before "move where you like, but you will never get rid of us".
And they meant it.

[Chuckitinthefuckitbucket]

And we mentioned about the present thing because A) our house wall full of crap they kept buyin mil would literally buy 4 outfits a week and B) grandparents should spoilt their grand kids but I beleieve showering children in materialistic things does unfortunately spoil them (ive seen it with 2 of my nephews) and I don't want it happening to dd, she can learn to appreciate gifts that are given occasionally but every week is excessive and it was mils way of dressing her how she wants her dressesd and all about control rather than exciting grandparents buying presents.

[RabbitsarenotHares]

They sound awful! I really feel for all of you. I suspect it will take DP a while to accept how terrible the situation really is, as he's been brought up with it his entire life, and knows nothing else. I'm in the same position as him, in a way, but I know that my mother's take on things is not normal. It's still hard to deal with, though, and despite recognising the situation for what it is it still hurts that I can never have the relationship with her I want, or need.

Regarding the clothes situation: does he like the stuff she buys him? I'm assuming not. In which case, why don't you take them to a charity shop the day he gets them (obviously he would have to agree to this, and that might take a while), so they don't have a chance to become part of the furniture. Perhaps go and buy him some new clothes, that he likes and suit him, then if MIL criticises you, at least, can say something like "well I think he looks gorgeous in that" if he is having trouble standing up for himself. Would that work? She can buy him clothes, but she really can't force him to wear them.

(I realise it's not as simple as that, but maybe something to aim for?)

Good luck. And definitely do not let them anywhere near your garden!

[GoatsDoRoam]

Your situation is not sustainable, Chuck. Not if you want your marriage, your sanity, and your DD's self-esteem to survive.

1. Confrontation, and saying "No". You really do need to get used to it. It is not the end of the world when a self-absorbed person has a meltdown. That is what self-absorbed people do. You can't stop her. But you can stop enabling her bad behaviour. How dare she spend an afternoon telling you that you are too fat to get married? Why are you listening to this shit? What is it doing to your self-esteem to roll over for her? What is it teaching your DD?
   

1. Emotional detachment. You are giving in to her because you are scared of her tantrums. This is how manipulation works. So in order for the manipulation to no longer work on you, you have to stop caring what she thinks, what she says, and what she does. All the things that she does to put you back in your place when you try to resist her control: stop being scared of how she'll react. Do your thing. So, she explodes; that's on her. Not. Your. Problem.
   

You can also use emotional detachment for the small things she does that annoy you. She gives DD another piece of plastic crap? Accept it non-commitally, and when she is gone throw it out. That way it no longer has to irk you.

1. Deciding your limits, and sticking to them. Tell her no. No, I don't want to discuss this. No, I'm not ok with his conversation. No, I am not having you over on Thursday. No, we can't spend this weekend with you. No excuses, no apologies: you decide ahead of time what you are and are not comfortable with, and when they overstep that line - which they will, repeatedly - you state that that is not ok with you, and enforce it: by walking away, by shutting the door, by not picking up the phone, by sticking to your original plans, or whatever it is.
   

1. Being a team with your DP. This is the one that is often the most difficult, and that splits up many couples in your set-up. Your DP has gotten used to their bullying, used to submitting to it, and used to never standing his ground (and using passive aggressive techniques instead). If he expects you to do the same, to take flak on your own and deal with it on your own, without standing up for you, then you two don't have a partnership.
   

It's great that you've got the Susan Forward book. I hope he reads it and is willing to work on his own reaction to his parents. Therapy would be very useful for him.

[GoatsDoRoam]

in laws are monied and actually told us before "move where you like, but you will never get rid of us".
And they meant it.

This is truly frightening.

These people do not have your best interests at heart. You and DP really need to be the ones to put in a lot of effort to protect and safeguard yourselves and DD, in the face of this. Being passive and hoping for the best will not work.

[Hissy]

Jesus Christ! The way you describe how they treat him WRT clothes etc is horrific! good for him for trying to keep out of their way, what a truly awful way of treating someone.


But I just want these people to stop coming to me instead of their son, they do this because he tries his best to stay well out their reach (understandable) but they in turn get at me

The only way they will stop is if you tell them to, and even then it's going to be hard.

Reply ASAP to the email about thursday and be absolutely clear that you do not want them coming to your house on Thursday and you will NOT allow them to touch your garden.

Mil,

Thanks for your email about Thursday. That is not acceptable to us i'm afraid, we are happy with our garden the way it is and do not want or need you or FIL to do anything to it.

Regards
Chuck

[Hissy]

Your poor DP, please remind him that he really can wear what the hell he likes - please don't accept any more clothes from that woman, take them straight to charity.

[namechange0dq8]

The way you describe how they treat him WRT clothes etc is horrific!

How so? They buy him clothes. He doesn't have to wear them. He could, for example, put them in a box and send them back to his parents, or put them in a box and give them to a charity shop, or put them in a bag and put them in the clothes. Or he could shred them and burn the remains, although that does seem a bit of a waste.

His mother might have a screaming fit, which would be hilarious. Video it, and post it on Facebook for her friends to see.

[Skiptonlass]

Re: clothes and gifts.

Do you have a local good bank ? I have no idea if these would accept brand new clothes but I'm sure they'd be able to direct you to a group who will take them. Might give you a feeling that you're getting a nice positive outcome from her meddling.

Re: garden. Just say no. Don't say you'll get round to it, that implies you need it doing. Just no. "Thanks for the offer, but please do not chAnge anything in our garden. We are also out on Thursday."

Interesting that they latch onto you because they can't get hold of your dp. That does in some ways put you in a position of strength. You have much less of an emotional tie to them. If you can calmly lay down the line you can do this.

And remember, don't jade (justify, apologise, defend or explain.) you owe no one an apology or an explanation. Be firm, polite, direct. The pp who suggested single sentences is quite right!

[DistanceCall]

Don't lay the blame on your husband (or make him feel like you're blaming him). It's hard enough to realise that your parents, the people who are supposed to love you and wish the best for your, are egotistical monsters.

Present a united front and support him. And yes, I think that's going to have to be going NC.

By the way, if your MIL comes unannounced, don't leave. Tell her you'll call the police. And then, if she persists, call the police.