I feel trapped by my in laws...help?!

[Chuckitinthefuckitbucket]

I really don't know where to start, it's a very long and boring story so I'll try and be brief.
My dp (fiancé) is an only child, I mention this as I feel it's relevant to my pil's behaviour.
He's 27 and I'm 21, we have a daughter (their only granddaughter, alspo relevant). I fell pregnant unexpectadly and pil were very unhappy, I won't go into details but it resulted in my mil dragging me into a field whilst I balled my eyes out and she cried and begged me to abort my child whilst fil grilled DP at home. Previous to this dp's relationship was strained with his parents, apparently ever since he left home they had been a total mess, very controlling and manipulative, the first time I met them dps mother cried and screamed at him (for not seeing her in a month) accusing him of changing, not caring and being a failure (so odd) she cried and stormed up and down the stairs whilst dps dad shouted at him for upsetting his mother.
I should've run for the hills.
They have continued to try (I must admit due to my naivety and perhaps me being a bit immature and trying to please mil, they have succeeded) at manipulating dp and I to "do as we are told" and we have spent 3 years walking on egg shells around them.
I'm exhausted by it all and right now just want to run away.
I came across a load of emails from fil (to do) who basically accused me of depriving our child of being spoilt by her grandparents and of a normal life by asking them to stop buying her gifts every week, to keep gifts to trips out, quality time with them and obviously presents from birthday and Xmas and Easter if they wish (they can shower her in as much love and attention as they wish but I don't want to bring up a child spoiled by materialistic things) I always thought they liked me (they've always expressed that dp grates on them but never me) but they accused me of "despising the way they lived because they have money" etc (they think everyone who isn't as rich as them is jealous of them) mil constantly bangs on about it and told dp I need to "man up and put ss first".
Now, I'm furious, because all this was hidden from me, they really layed into Me and my family basically saying they want "access" to dd etc and that my own mother has no problems with "acsess" but she sees dd the same amount, if not less than them.
They constantly put dp down, he shrinks into a scares child around them and it's depressing to watch, all they do is tell him he's a failure, that he's fat, that ime fat and nag and nag about our parenting ect (I think we are pretty amazing parents, we make some mistakes with not sticking to our guns with dd when she throws paddys but not bad parents)
I'm ranting now, there's just so much to this I feel I can't write it all down. Mil has now started coming over uninvited so I can't even hide from them anymore and I'm just devastated ive got this for the rest of their lives.
What an earth do I do?

[DistanceCall]

Oh and you may hate confrontation, but I'm afraid there is no escaping it at some point in this case. Otherwise your PILs are just going to keep eroding your boundaries until you have none- which is exactly what they want.

[nicenewdusters]

The situation where your husband withdraws and you are left to withstand the onslaught is part of the "script". You are acting as a buffer. Men growing up in the type of family your husband has subconsciously look for such a buffer. This is in no way a judgement upon him. No contact is a serious decision, been there myself, but the impact your pils WILL have on your marriage is even more serious.

I really feel for your husband, how awful to see your parents actions defined accurately as toxic in a book ! Be gentle and patient, but also be firm with him. You need to support each other, agree a way forward and stick to it. You cannot reason with people like your pils, only draw very clear boundaries and stick to them. I fear they are so extreme this may not work, but you may wish to try.

I also agree with pps that you should read previous threads on this topic. There are some glimmers of hope.

[namechange0dq8]

Mil has now started coming over uninvited so I can't even hide from them anymore

Open the door.

"Sorry, it's not convenient now. Next time, call first."

Close the door.

Seriously, how hard is this stuff?

[LoveWA]

OP I honestly am sitting open mouthed with shock reading your posts, because I didn't think anyone else had to go through what I have been living with for the past few years. Your inlaws sound identical to mine in every way (apart from asking to have an abortion).

The control, treating my DH like an imbicile to be controlled, his confusion hurt and surrender to it all, the excessive gift buying for DCs, wanting to dress my DH and our kids, wanting to buy their full winter and summer wardrobe, questioning every decision we make, wanting to spend every weekend and holiday with us. They wanted the DCs to themselves without us every Sunday. There were constant arguements if we wanted to spend even one weekend by ourselves. I could go on..

OP the only solution is boundaries. The problem with that though is that people like this will never, and I mean never, respect your boundaries. The only way to set boundaries with manipulative control freaks, in my experience, is to put a huge geographical distance between you. We emigrated to Australia.

We didn't move to Australia because of them, but the move in itself which was for other reasons obviously improved a lot of our problems.

We have peace, freedom, we feel like grown ups living our own lives. We have our issues like most people but we have the freedom to fuck up and learn and grow and make better decisions.

If you think they are bad now, wait until you try to get away, then you will see the full extent of the manipulation. We've been told we have caused nothing but heartache, loneliness, stress, we've contributed to their heart problems, fibromyalgia, ulcers. I'm surprised they don't blame us for their dandruff.

My parents on the other hand, while they were incredibly sad to see us go, wished us well with nothing but support and love and encouragement.

I'm getting great benefit from the other replies too. I haven't got it all worked out. There are still control issues. My DH and I still argue over it all. I find myself in knots of resentment towards them over how they treat my DH and I find myself in knots of resentment towards him for not handling them better. I hate that they still 'control' my feelings in this way. I know I need to let go of this resentment but I don't know how. I start psychotherapy this week, I can't do it by myself.

OP you sound incredibly mature for your age. Best wishes.

[LoveWA]

Following on, If anyone has any advice on dealing with this sort of resentment and how to get over it I would appreciate it. Thanks.

[Isetan]

The quiet life strategy has its price, look at your partner. Do you really think these people are going to stop at you and their son, now there's fresh blood on the way?

[rumbleinthrjungle]

How about keeping a box somewhere in the house and everything given to you that is unwanted goes straight in the box. Then do a regular run to the local charity shop and empty the box on their desk. You don't even need to unwrap it. Passing this stuff with all its negative emotional attachments straight to a neutral dump and then out of the house is in itself quite liberating!

[Chuckitinthefuckitbucket]

I will start doing that with things they give us, mil can be pretty pushy- she insisted on buying stuff for our new home all of which I hate- maybe she was being nice but either way I'm lumped wth crap I don't want or need.
I've to Her im out all day Thursday with dd, she's left me a lengthy voicemail saying she will pick me up and drive me to the place in going before she goes to get her hair cut and then she'll meet me later in the day to drive me home so she can do the garden. If not then I will leave a key out so she can do the garden whilst I'm out.
She's soooo pushy

[Skiptonlass]

She is indeed!

"Thanks but I've already made plans. As I said before, I don't want you to do anything in the garden. Let's catch up another time."

Remember. You're busy. Very busy lady, you are. Sooooo busy. Can't just pop in unannounced, no siree.

Oh and by the way, she NEVER gets her mitts on a key. Never. Do not give her the opportunity to get in your house or make a copy.

Definitely donate the gifts. There must be somewhere locally (women's shelter? Refugee support? ) That would really appreciate some new things. or you can sell them on eBay and put the proceeds into a 'treats' fund?

[namechange0dq8]

she insisted on buying stuff for our new home all of which I hate

Shame to just put it out for the bin men, but charity shops are often willing to collect large items.

she's left me a lengthy voicemail saying she will pick me up and drive me to the place

Just say no, that isn't convenient. Or, more honestly, no, I don't want to do that.

If not then I will leave a key

Why would you do that? Just tell her to fuck off.

[BerylStreep]

I would simply not stand for someone telling me I need to lose weight.

What would actually happen if you told her to STFU? Or told her if she can't behave she will not be invited to the wedding, or that you will get married abroad? (good idea actually).

When you say if anyone stands up to MIL she causes chaos, that is only because she is provided with an audience to watch. Why does your DP allow her to have hour long tear filled phone calls? Why watch her stomp up and down stairs?

Why keep their crap? Either sell it or give it to charity shops (or to Women's Aid - they always need baby stuff, and it would be a nice ironic touch.)

I know it is easy to write a post asking why? why? why? They sound really vile people. Perhaps you should practice creeping up and shouting 'BOO!!' really loudly?

[LazyLouLou]

I think you do need to be more robust now. Text back, so you don't get talked over:

"I said no. I do not want a lift or for your help with my garden."

If she comes back with more then you only have one more response:

"I said no!"

Then ignore/block/ignore.

Do warn your DH though, after the event.

[Mumfun]

So sorry OP I thought my parents were bad but your ILs are shocking. Well done on what you have done so far. Support your partner all you can. And just say no all the time. And never let them have a key or able to get one off anyone else. Wishing you all the best. Going no contact with my parents has been amazing and the best thing ever so know it can be done if you have to.

[Chuckitinthefuckitbucket]

I just don't know how to reply. She sort of backed me into a corner where I have no "excuse" so not see her or not have her come round.

[Vivacia]

Why would you not advocate NC Vivacia?

I think NC is the nuclear option. I think there are other options to be explored first (eg assertiveness, boundaries, distancing etc). I think, at this stage, it would be too much to ask of DP.
I also said what I said because I'm doing some work in my supervision of seeing the whole person, acknowledging the good as well as the bad [wry smile]

OP you don't need to be confrontational. In my opinion you need to be assertive. Stay calm. If she ups the ante, that's her choice. You stay calm.
Go for the broken record technique. "That doesn't work for me" is your friend.

[averythinline]

I find the simplest 'Sorry that doesn't work for me/us' the most effective reply........just repeat dont justify yourself/give reasons as there will just be a change to keep you in the corner ..

If she moans about no keys being left (don't leave her the keys for any reason she'll have cut herself a set before you know it)- just say 'I said it didn't work for me...

think you are just going have to keep on with this or they will get worse rather than better and you are smart enough to see how it will be with your daughter if she doesnt match what they want in the future

[drudgetrudy]

Agree with Vivacia. Your DH needs time to get his head round it all. Start setting firm but polite boundaries. "NO thank-you-I don't need a lift on Thursday and I don't want you to do anything in the garden" Direct them to contact DH and arrange to call when he is at home.
If they won't accept boundaries it will become increasingly obvious to your H and will pave the way for NC if that becomes the only option.

[rumbleinthrjungle]

The thing is though about wondering if maybe she's being nice or trying to find the good - well yes, maybe she is doing it with very muddled good intentions. It's making you miserable though and you hate it, so it's whatever her reason it's still not ok. And the message whether subconscious or quite deliberate is 'I own you/have no respect for you'.

I'm never sure why it should be the OP's job to try to explore the behaviour the other person is making her miserable with, seek to understand it, empathise with it and try to engage it - ie take total responsibility for the other person's behaviour and manage their feelings - while the other person involved has no responsibilities or expectations and it's not at all reciprocal. There's a line somewhere between being nice and having poor boundaries.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I think OPs ILs have done more than enough damage to OP and her own family unit already so going NC would be more than okay to do in this case. They are dealing with people who are completely and utterly unreasonable.

Self preservation is necessary but as you rightly state her man will not be able to countenance actually going NC with them currently. He is still seeking their approval on some level and this conditioning by them is simply hurting his own self as well as his own family unit now.

If she does turn up at your house on Thursday I would look into getting legal advice about harassment.

I doubt very much if the OPs ILs will accept any boundaries that OP and her man set. Such disordered of thinking people often rail against all boundaries and ignore them.

[BerylStreep]

You could text in reply: "Actually, I have arranged for a decorator to call at your house on Thursday to repaint your hallway. Please can you ensure you are in for him? If not, please leave a key.'

[Hissy]

"mil, about Thursday, I'm going out with dd all day and won't be able to see you, I don't want a lift thanks, and we do NOT want the garden touching. I won't be leaving a key, please respect this. Thanks Chuckit"

[MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig]

Can you just not reply and then go out really early on Thursday? Can she get into your garden at all? Will there be a tantrum when you get back? Would she be waiting? She sounds awful.

[Vivacia]

I think OPs ILs have done more than enough damage to OP and her own family unit already so going NC would be more than okay to do in this case.

I agree, she could go NC for far less. Any of us could, at any time, go NC if we wanted to. I think it's a lot to ask of someone though, asking them to disown their parents.

OP can form her boundaries. How her in-laws react is their choice. OP is not responsible for managing that reaction.