I feel trapped by my in laws...help?!

[Chuckitinthefuckitbucket]

I really don't know where to start, it's a very long and boring story so I'll try and be brief.
My dp (fiancé) is an only child, I mention this as I feel it's relevant to my pil's behaviour.
He's 27 and I'm 21, we have a daughter (their only granddaughter, alspo relevant). I fell pregnant unexpectadly and pil were very unhappy, I won't go into details but it resulted in my mil dragging me into a field whilst I balled my eyes out and she cried and begged me to abort my child whilst fil grilled DP at home. Previous to this dp's relationship was strained with his parents, apparently ever since he left home they had been a total mess, very controlling and manipulative, the first time I met them dps mother cried and screamed at him (for not seeing her in a month) accusing him of changing, not caring and being a failure (so odd) she cried and stormed up and down the stairs whilst dps dad shouted at him for upsetting his mother.
I should've run for the hills.
They have continued to try (I must admit due to my naivety and perhaps me being a bit immature and trying to please mil, they have succeeded) at manipulating dp and I to "do as we are told" and we have spent 3 years walking on egg shells around them.
I'm exhausted by it all and right now just want to run away.
I came across a load of emails from fil (to do) who basically accused me of depriving our child of being spoilt by her grandparents and of a normal life by asking them to stop buying her gifts every week, to keep gifts to trips out, quality time with them and obviously presents from birthday and Xmas and Easter if they wish (they can shower her in as much love and attention as they wish but I don't want to bring up a child spoiled by materialistic things) I always thought they liked me (they've always expressed that dp grates on them but never me) but they accused me of "despising the way they lived because they have money" etc (they think everyone who isn't as rich as them is jealous of them) mil constantly bangs on about it and told dp I need to "man up and put ss first".
Now, I'm furious, because all this was hidden from me, they really layed into Me and my family basically saying they want "access" to dd etc and that my own mother has no problems with "acsess" but she sees dd the same amount, if not less than them.
They constantly put dp down, he shrinks into a scares child around them and it's depressing to watch, all they do is tell him he's a failure, that he's fat, that ime fat and nag and nag about our parenting ect (I think we are pretty amazing parents, we make some mistakes with not sticking to our guns with dd when she throws paddys but not bad parents)
I'm ranting now, there's just so much to this I feel I can't write it all down. Mil has now started coming over uninvited so I can't even hide from them anymore and I'm just devastated ive got this for the rest of their lives.
What an earth do I do?

[Gemauve]

At a hundred quid a pop, why wouldn't they? But they carry no more weight than a letter from me would do.

A fact worth remembering is that there is no such thing in law as a solicitor's letter. There are just letters, written by people who happen to be solicitors. They can't demand that you do anything: they aren't courts.

The semi-mythical case of Arkell v Pressdram shows how to deal with solicitors getting above themselves.

www.nasw.org/users/nbauman/arkell.htm

[Vivacia]

I think they'd have a genuine melt down if we didn't see them for s month so dread to think what'll happen now. It's going to be horrendous

You are bestowing them a lot of power here.

[Chuckitinthefuckitbucket]

True. I just don't think it'll be a clean break for dp, I know he'll try & justify himself to them etc.

[Vivacia]

Do you mean he wants to announce the NC to them?

[Vivacia]

I would advocate a middle ground - no big announcement of "We desire absolutely no contact with you" but also no silent treatment without any explanation. It would be horrendously confusing for them and just sets them up to be all desperate and trying all sorts of things to get you to communicate (because they don't understand why you've suddenly stopped).

[Vivacia]

Oh, and I ask again, has something significant happened to make your DP take this approach?

[venetiaswirl]

Remembering upthread about them letting themselves into your house - change the locks!!

[Chuckitinthefuckitbucket]

Notbingg significant has happened recently, no. But there be cauour has been as usual, demeaning, manipulative and controlling- this weekend they tried to lure dp into seeing them at a festival he goes to every year and when that didn't work said they had money to give him (from something we have to them to give a friend) and refused to just post if through the letterbox, insisting that we see them to get it and dp is just sucks of it. He's working 50+ hours a week, we have 1 day every other weekend of as a family and they still expect to see is weekly- knowing how little time we have.
I just think dp will try and slowly break contact and when they have a fit (inevitably) about him not being a good enough son he will tell them to piss off.
He will need them to act out in order to have the courage but he's decided to limit contact, ie; only communicating via email but not responding immediately (this will cause chaos)
However I have blocked them out completely, told dp not to explain why to them etc but I'm done with their crap. This will infuriate them.
They let themselves into my house because I was in and the door was not locked- they don't have a key- I hope

[auntpetunia]

If your unsure whether they have a key always always lock your door when your in the house. My pil are strange but nice, we just let phone go to voicemail if we can't be bothered listening to their rubbish. They visit when we say the can and I have literally seen then drive down the road to park and will have everyone with coats on and just be bursting out the front door as they appear on the path, all v ooh sorry going out weren't expecting you, no you can't come, bye. My kids where v confused but just went along with mums madness. We drove off and they ran back to their car and followed us! I lost them at a dual carriage way roundabout!

[Vivacia]

I think you and your DP have both decided upon the approaches that work for you. I also think you sound cognisant of the bumpy journey ahead.

[BerylStreep]

AuntPetunia at the chase scene!

[Chuckitinthefuckitbucket]

Sooo, it's Father's Day Sunday. Mil has been messaging DP a LOT since ive blocked her emails and calls out, not bad stuff just anything and everything to start a conversation. She still hasn't dropped round our money from our friend (DP told her to post it the throigh the letter box) and she has asked dp if he would be seeing "them" this weekend.
DP said he was thinking of taking his dad for breakfast on Father's Day and minutes later his dad texts him- not about that but about when he was going to see them this weekend, DP responded he would take HIM for breakfast and DP's father kept using "us" when replying (him and mil) DP has told him over that it's just to be him as its Father's Day.
Now I'm not sure why he's arranged this, I don't think he's ready for the fall out yet by ignoring Father's Day but I'm increasingly worried about DP being alone with his dad (or mum for that matter) because they have always been SO much worse to him when I'm not around. They certainly tame themselves right in when others are about/ they wouldn't want to ruin their "perfect caring parent" act.
Mil has asked many times why I haven't responded and she assumed my phone was broken (because obviously I wouldn't dare ignore her) but I'm sat here feeling nervous and sick about tomorrow. DP has worked all week including 3 evenings finishing at 11pm and is working 5-11 tonight and 11-3 tomorrow, we have little time as a family and they know this but they still pressure DP into seeing them and expect a "treat" because it's Father's Day. I couldn't see my mother on her birthday because I had work and sent her a card and flowers and she was chuffed but they're just a whole different kettle of fish.
I think im posting because I need advice on how to handle fil causing an issue of some sort tomorrow and feel it's where the fall out may begin...

[Chuckitinthefuckitbucket]

also we go away got Glastonbury festival on Wednesday until Sunday! It's our first time leaving dd (may I add its huge as she is being assessed for autism and SPD and may find it tough) my mum is coming to our house to look after DD, so she can stay in her own bed and have a familiar environment. I'm seriously concerned as mil text DP "what days and nights are we having DGD whilst you are away? Should we liaise with chuckit's mum?"
Now, mil mentioned weeks back taking dd for a couple of the days to give my mum a break, but I said not to worry as mum had booked the time off and is looking forward to it, she is going to take dd in the days to visit her cousins and i want her at home for the nights as she doesn't sleep well and it'll be all change for her. So I nipped that in the bud! Yet she sends DP that text?
DP replied with what I've written above pretty much but I KNOW they will try it with DM. Which worries me as DM is a total people pleaser (I think it's where I got it from) and will easily cave into pressure. She knows I have problems with them but expects me to be the bigger person, even though she's admitted herself that they are a total nightmare and very manipulative. How to I express to my mum that they aren't to take dd, not under any circumstances and make sure it doesn't happen?
I'm thinking about not going away...

[Skiptonlass]

If he goes, He needs to arrange a table for two somewhere public, and you need to be out of the house somewhere else. Just in case she 'drops by' when your Dh is going to take fil out.

Do not let her 'wait in the house' until your return.

I suggest you go off to your folks if they are around, if not, a nice Sunday morning early walk or trip out for you and your daughter is in order. Leave the house early and lock it up well.

[Skiptonlass]

And for Glastonbury, I assume you've briefed your mum? You need to have a very frank conversation with your mother. Tell her exactly how upset you are, exactly how sneaky and manipulative this woman is. Lay it on the line. If she expects you to be a bigger person, then that's you doing it. Rehearse some scenarios if you have to with her. Get the cousins on board for a united front.

You need to make it very, very clear that no matter what the pressure, she does NOT accommodate the mil. You also need to block your mil's number from your mum's phone ;)

[Chuckitinthefuckitbucket]

Yes, he will go, he wouldn't dare cancel now he's arranged it.
I feel sad because he just spends his life doing stuff he doesn't want to do to keep them quiet (I would say happy but they're never happy, nothing is ever enough!) but he's an adult and if he chooses to go for whatever reason that's his choice.
I think I will go to my mums house, it's my sister birthday anyway so even more of a reason to do so and gets me right out of the way.

[Chuckitinthefuckitbucket]

And yes, frank conversation needed indeed. But I worry about the amount of pressure they'll put my mum under, worried they'll generaltl bully her- they've done it before. It's just her as my dad died years ago and I've watched them at family gatherings physically back my mum into a corner together to speak to her, they can be very very pushy. BUT blocking their numbers on her phone is genius! And may solve all that unless they come round of course

[Skiptonlass]

Yup, go. I think he's made his mind up and he has to deal with it.

So go to your mum. And leave early. While you're there, have a lovely time with your family, but also you need to sit down with your mum and your sister and say to them ' guys, I need to talk to you. We are having serious problems with mil and I need your support.'

Then you need to tell them all about it. You need to get your (normal) family fully up to date and on your side. You have a loving mum and sister - they need to be stood with you on this. Discuss some strategy!

[Skiptonlass]

Then can you get some support in for your mum? Or send dd to your mum's house? You could stay there tonight with dd perhaps, just to familiarise her? Or you could get one of the cousins, or the sister's family over as well. I think you've identified your mum being on her own as a weak point. So now eliminate that weak spot by giving her backup.

You need to be thinking strategy here :) it's a war, you need your troops in position. Blocking the number stops the phone calls. Having a wing man/woman at the house with her will reduce the pressure on your mum.

[Ketchuphidestheburntbits]

Your Dp needs to know that you can't marry him unless he is prepared to put you and your DD's wellbeing above his toxic parents. He has a very clear choice to make about his future and I'm glad to hear that he is prepared to go NC. Dp will need counselling to help him have the confidence to deal with his difficult background. I really wouldn't consider going ahead with a wedding until you have put proper boundaries in place.

Your Mum and sisters need to know just how badly this is affecting you to understand why they need to protect you from these horrible people. They will want to help you once you explain this properly.

[Chuckitinthefuckitbucket]

Im going to go and see mum tomorrow and spend the day there. I'll chat with her and tell her I don't want them taking dd and why, although she already knows why I don't like them having her, she's been the person I have confided in with all this crap with pil.
I really would prefer dd to be here rather than at mums, I'm worried she won't settle properly in any other house, she is very good at going to bed here and struggles hugely when we go and stay with her elsewhere.
But mum by the sounds of it will be spending a lot of the time out the house visiting family so hopefully she won't be in if they call, if she is hopefully she will be able to say "sorry- we're on our way out" I don't even want them in our home to be honest.
I understand why most people think we should hold the wedding off but me a DP actually want to get married and have paid for so much already, we'd lose thousands cancelling a day we both want because of them.
Tbh, I'm desperately hoping they go apeshit at some point so we can just tell them to jog on and uninvite them to the wedding, sounds awful but it's true

[ilovelamp82]

If your Mum knows what they are like I would just say to her "Mum, thank you so much for looking after DD while we're away. We've been having a really hard time recently with the inlaws not respecting our wishes and it has caused us so much stress. We can't wait to have some time to recover from it all and connect a bit away from all the stress they're causing safe in the knowledge that dd is with someone we love and trust to respect our wishes. Don't know what we'd do without you.

[BerylStreep]

It's probably too late, but could you tell your PIL that your Mum has got a last minute deal and she is bringing her away on holiday / visiting distant family?

Rather than waiting for them to apeshit so you can cut it off, perhaps your DP should write them a letter - explaining that his priorities are to you & DD, and although he loves them, he finds their constant criticism and overbearing behaviour too much. He could say that if they can't respect him and his family, and your wishes and boundaries, then he would rather he didn't see them at all.

That way the ball is in their court - they know what the issue is, and what they can do about it. They won't accept it, of course, but at least he will have been direct and given them a chance.

[Chuckitinthefuckitbucket]

I don't think DP would feel justified in sending them a letter at the moment. They are currently behaving as per usual, but that's just it- to him and them it's usual/normal. He now recognises how destructive their behaviour on a day-to-day basis actually is but knows they don't. I'm sure he'd see it pointless explaining to them that he's sick of their behaviour as they feel they can do no wrong. This is why he's waiting for them to get irrational etc before braking the tie, I think he feels he'll be able to finally say what he needs when pushed but isn't brave enough to do it out of the blue.

[Chuckitinthefuckitbucket]

Also, If we told them mum was going away with dd, they would deffinitely find out she didn't, we live 5 minutes drive away from theirs- they'd check. So unfortunately not an options