I feel trapped by my in laws...help?!

[Chuckitinthefuckitbucket]

I really don't know where to start, it's a very long and boring story so I'll try and be brief.
My dp (fiancé) is an only child, I mention this as I feel it's relevant to my pil's behaviour.
He's 27 and I'm 21, we have a daughter (their only granddaughter, alspo relevant). I fell pregnant unexpectadly and pil were very unhappy, I won't go into details but it resulted in my mil dragging me into a field whilst I balled my eyes out and she cried and begged me to abort my child whilst fil grilled DP at home. Previous to this dp's relationship was strained with his parents, apparently ever since he left home they had been a total mess, very controlling and manipulative, the first time I met them dps mother cried and screamed at him (for not seeing her in a month) accusing him of changing, not caring and being a failure (so odd) she cried and stormed up and down the stairs whilst dps dad shouted at him for upsetting his mother.
I should've run for the hills.
They have continued to try (I must admit due to my naivety and perhaps me being a bit immature and trying to please mil, they have succeeded) at manipulating dp and I to "do as we are told" and we have spent 3 years walking on egg shells around them.
I'm exhausted by it all and right now just want to run away.
I came across a load of emails from fil (to do) who basically accused me of depriving our child of being spoilt by her grandparents and of a normal life by asking them to stop buying her gifts every week, to keep gifts to trips out, quality time with them and obviously presents from birthday and Xmas and Easter if they wish (they can shower her in as much love and attention as they wish but I don't want to bring up a child spoiled by materialistic things) I always thought they liked me (they've always expressed that dp grates on them but never me) but they accused me of "despising the way they lived because they have money" etc (they think everyone who isn't as rich as them is jealous of them) mil constantly bangs on about it and told dp I need to "man up and put ss first".
Now, I'm furious, because all this was hidden from me, they really layed into Me and my family basically saying they want "access" to dd etc and that my own mother has no problems with "acsess" but she sees dd the same amount, if not less than them.
They constantly put dp down, he shrinks into a scares child around them and it's depressing to watch, all they do is tell him he's a failure, that he's fat, that ime fat and nag and nag about our parenting ect (I think we are pretty amazing parents, we make some mistakes with not sticking to our guns with dd when she throws paddys but not bad parents)
I'm ranting now, there's just so much to this I feel I can't write it all down. Mil has now started coming over uninvited so I can't even hide from them anymore and I'm just devastated ive got this for the rest of their lives.
What an earth do I do?

[Melonfool]

Do you have any friendly neighbours you could brief? They could look out for oil car and pop round if it turns up, saying "ooh, DM, just thought I'd pop round for that cup of tea, I'll put the kettle on" then she's at least not on her own. They could also go further and say "are you ready? Mil - we're all just going to the park" or "DM, Flosie is so excited DC is coming round, she's got all her tots set out and everything. I need to pop out later so any chance you could come now, a bit earlier than we agreed?" etc
Anything so she's not on her own and/or looks like she's just leaving.

[Jux]

So, you will block their numbers on your mum's phone, good.

Then you could arrange a coded ring or knock for the front door with your mum, your family, your mum's friends etc, anyone who is likely to call round while your mum is there. Say, two short and one long ring. Then your mum ignores all other rings annd simply doesn't answer the door. It takes a bit of self-discipline to ignore but it can be done!

Mind you, it's not a bad idea to start helping your dd to settle and sleep in other places - you'll have to do it sometime - but I do realise that there's a lot on your plate right now. Give it a think, though.

[saturnvista]

Jux Why does DD have to settle to sleep in other places? Mine doesn't and won't have to until she feels like it. Given the topic of the OP, that sounds like boundaryless advice to me

[saturnvista]

OP, my DH and I decided to cut contact with his parents after a disastrous few years during which they caused havoc in every area of our lives (counsellors who knew them described their behaviour as bullying, abusive, slandrous etc.). DH had a similar relationship as you describe in terms of compliance but he had never known his parents to be critical towards him as an adult - he just over-relied on them and didn't want to get on the wrong side of them. When we drew a line under the relationship it was very, very difficult for DH. We did write a letter explaining that they had repeatedly failed to respect our boundaries and there was a pattern of behaviour that we experienced as manipulative, bullying and harassing. We knew they wouldn't change because we had offered them opportunities to do so before - they would promise immediately and then change nothing. As cut and dried and harsh in some ways as the letter was, it did at least let them know where they stood and what our expectations were, which I think is only fair. After all, how else were they to know what we wanted from them (which was for them to stop trying to contact us). I think it's unwise and unfair to act in ways that you know they will find baffling, in the hope that frustration will cause them to act so badly that you can use that as justification for cutting contact. In terms of the courts, this really troubled me too because it was immediately brought up by FIL. The access for grandparents is intended to be used in situations where a couple divorce and one set of grandparents are not allowed to continue their relationship with their grandchild (this was instrumental in our choosing to cut contact before they had a demonstrable bond with our DD). If you aren't divorcing then the rule isn't applicable. Even if it was, you wouldn't be thrown into prison for refusing to honour a court order because that would obviously be bad for your child thereby defeating the whole purpose of the order. So I wouldn't worry about that.

[Ketchuphidestheburntbits]

I know you said that your DP doesn't want to spend the money on counselling but it would help him to deal with his parents and give him ideas about how to move forward without being bullied by them. It would be much cheaper than a relationship breakup or needing time off work due to stress. I know of several marriages that have ended because of difficult inlaws and no appropriate boundaries being put into place.

I've had to learn how to deal with a nasty, controlling relative and I found that the only thing that worked was being blunt to the point of rudeness. Being polite and nice doesn't work because you are not dealing with people who can't take a subtle hint.

[Jux]

Saturn, you're probably right, and I think you know better than I, so I apologise that I got this wrong, and if I've offended or upset you, the op or anyone for that matter I'm sorry for that too.

I suppose I was thinking long term future, one day she may want to have a sleepover with a friend(s) and so on. One day she may like the idea of a sleepover with op's mum, or one of the cousins, or something might happen which means that op's dd has to sleep somewhere different. But yes, she is only 2. Loads of time.

[Chuckitinthefuckitbucket]

Devestated. Just called my mum to see how dd is and let her know we will be back late tonihht rather than tomorrow day to avoid the manic rush home tomorrow. Dd is with in laws for the afternoon.
I'm mainly upset with MY mum because I briefed her and told her not to let them take her, she was worried about upsetting them and I told her it was fine because DP had spoken to his parents and told them they aren't to try to take dd this weekend or whilst we are away as my mum has lots of plans with dd. Told them not to call my mum and that if she need d anything she could call them is she choose but not to contact her! Dps parents agreed and then have gon behind our back, called my mum, come over and taken dd!!! Against out wishes! We are her parents!!! Surely we should know and get a say in who she is with and when!! Then they go and do this I spend th afternoon crying and we are now making out way home. What an earth do we do about the this????

[yearofthegoat]

What was your DM thinking? Hadn't you told her about everything that has happened? Once you have DD back DH needs to lay it on the line with his parents.

[Chuckitinthefuckitbucket]

I've told her, she knows but I think she just thinks hey they're dps parents we can't upset them etc. She's really let me down and I'm going to let her know it too

[Skiptonlass]

You need to remain as calm as you can. See this as a line in the sand. They've crossed it despite your explicit instruction.

You need to have a very frank talk with your mum and then a tough discussion with your dh on exactly how you are going to set boundaries.

[springydaffs]

Bloody hell. As hard as it is, you can't rely on your mum for childcare again. These people do precisely what they want and nothing will get in their way (least of all your passive mum I'm afraid)

I would consider getting legal about this re a restraining order. Dp may not be ready for this but see a lawyer anyway to see how it goes? Then your be ready should you need to enforce it.

You do realise this is not about dp, you or your dd. Is about them having ownership - of everything. They WILL have what they want. Hence the law - which is bigger and richer and more powerful than them.

Also, if you need some extra resolve: it is likely they would drive a wedge between you two and dd. They want everything to themselves and dd is young and impressionable (so far). They have failed to get absolute and total control of you and dp so they'll start on her. As you know, nothing - I mean nothing - will stop them. Except the law - they'll have no choice on that.

[notquitegrownup2]

I don't think you should be too hard on your mum. You know how persistent dps parents can be and you knew that they knew you were away and that she was alone at your house - although you briefed her, she hasn't had months of this to prepare her, as you have - and she doesn't have MN behind her!

I think you should forget being angry with your mum. You trust her and are going to want some support/babysitting from her in future. As Skipton says, this is just extra fuel to remind you that you need very firm boundaries which you are going to have to enforce - and you are going to have to protect your mum too, if you want her to help you out.

[DPotter]

A restraining order was my first reaction as well Springydaffs. Extreme yes but you're not dealing with normal people here. At the very least have a session with a solicitor and discuss any potential legal options. A line in the sand has most definitely been crossed. I would be worried by not tackling this in some way you will have lost any chance of it. Your DP has to step up to the mark now.

[AspieAndNT]

OMG!! I am horrified at your Mum. It was not her decision to make who your DD is with. She has really let you down and I don't think you can let her have your DD again until you deal with the inlaws and contact.

[peggyundercrackers]

Sorry but from all you have written I think what your doing is way over the top - apart from the beginning I don't really think they have done anything really wrong. So they buy your dd gifts? That's completely normal for most GPs - yep they may buy a lot but so what... Your DD is 2 so it's not like she is going to know she's getting stuff every week, she will only behave like a spoilt child if you let her. It's normal for parents to ask about their children's career, it's normal for GPs to take your dd for a swim and be late, it's normal for GPs to bathe your child.

I can't believe you, or anyone else for that matter, would take advice like you have from a load of strangers on the Internet and then act on it... That is absolute madness!

[Nanny0gg]

peggyundercrackers

Have you read the thread? Did you miss the parts like They constantly put dp down, he shrinks into a scares child around them and it's depressing to watch, all they do is tell him he's a failure, that he's fat, that ime fat and nag and nag about our parenting ect

This is normal is it?

And if I returned my DGC 5 hours late without my DC being able to contact me then they'd be handing me my head on a plate, at the very least. Normal it's not.

[Chuckitinthefuckitbucket]

Dp is going to speak to them tomorrow, they'll feel they've done nothing wrong. I'm sure. And it will all be for nothing. As far as I'm concerned I have a right to know where my 2 year old is at all times and who with. My mum has apologised but said she got confused and thought id be okay for an afternoon with grandparents just not a night or all day. God knows!
And peggy if any of the following is NORMAL to you, then I'm sorry- that's sad and very worrying !!!

won't go into details but it resulted in my mil dragging me into a field whilst I balled my eyes out and she cried and begged me to abort my child whilst fil grilled DP at home.

apparently ever since he left home they had been a total mess, very controlling and manipulative, the first time I met them dps mother cried and screamed at him (for not seeing her in a month)
He's hust petrified of the fall out and has only just started to manage to say "no" to them, even over the most simple things like "no we ant day for dinner", it still makes him uncomfortable because he knows that eventually they will explode.

[Jux]

You have every reason to be upset by your mum. I feel sorry for her though, as your PILs are known to be bullies, have backed her into a corner before, and she's in such a difficult situation as she, like you, doesn't want to be the cause of massive fall out. So, maybe tomorrow you might be a bit gentle with her? I can just imagine what they were like.

"Gd is with other gm at home, and ds and dil are away. They've said they don't want us to go over or to see dd, but why shouldn't we? Now, that we come to think of it, we want to see her. Very badly. So we shall." They ride rough shod over you and dh, so why not over your mum too?

Glastonbury was unfortunate timing. If you'd been at home, maybe you could have withstood them, but what happened, happened. No one's fault. Bullies who haven't really been stood up to yet, will continue on their way, in their way, with no idea that attitudes towards them have changed. And once they do realise, they will up the ante.

You and dh need to be prepared for that. DH needs some practice at standing up to them. Has he read the toxic parents book? What does he think of it?

Good luck to you all.

[rumbleinthrjungle]

Really sorry to contradict Saturnista but if you Google something like grandparents court access to grandchildren as gps would if seeking information, you can immediately find legal firms advertising to help gps regain access with explicit reference to family disagreements and not just divorce. And talking about success rates of 'reuniting many gps with gcs'. One easy to find site even has a dummy court form for self representation and shows a case where parents chose to go nc. GPs case was that hostilities between adults shouldn't deprive the children of their gps.

Keeping evidence that gps are not harmless and it isn't just a family tiff may be a useful thing to do just in case.

[DollyTwat]

They are horrendous. But they still do this stuff cos they get away with it. Skin of a rhino. They are treating you both like naughty teenagers bs you are both trying not to upset them, because you're nice. They don't care about upsetting YOU though. In their eyes you are children

This has to be the BIG thing that stops the whole nature of the relationship. Don't blame your mum, they've done this to you too, they don't sound easy to refuse

[BerylStreep]

Sorry this happened, although I think it was inevitable it was going to.

[schlong]

What are you waiting for to go NC with these weirdos? Maybe I'm missing something. If your dp's too weak to stand up to them you do it. Woman up and protect your fam. They haven't got a leg to stand on legally. If they'd had their way and you'd had an abortion they wouldn't even have your dd to mess you around with.

[Chuckitinthefuckitbucket]

I've managed to talk to mum about it all properly and she was sorry she messes up. She's a total air head sometimes and thought I said they could take her swimming (which they didn't they took her out all day anyway) but she does understand etc but thinks dp needs to stand up to them for it all to be sorted.
They've really no idea they've done anytbing and have messages asking to see us today!

[BerylStreep]

Your poor Mum.

She is right though, this is something for your DP to deal with, but it seems as if he is paralysed with fear in the face of an unstoppable force. Except that they can be stopped and managed. I truly think that your DP needs to write them a letter, explaining where the problems lie, and giving them a chance to take it on board (which they won't), but at least it has been spelled out to them.

[Ohfourfoxache]

You need to stand up to them. How about a new rule? You and dd don't see them unless DH is there. They don't have dd by themselves. If they don't like it then tough shit.