I feel trapped by my in laws...help?!

[Chuckitinthefuckitbucket]

I really don't know where to start, it's a very long and boring story so I'll try and be brief.
My dp (fiancé) is an only child, I mention this as I feel it's relevant to my pil's behaviour.
He's 27 and I'm 21, we have a daughter (their only granddaughter, alspo relevant). I fell pregnant unexpectadly and pil were very unhappy, I won't go into details but it resulted in my mil dragging me into a field whilst I balled my eyes out and she cried and begged me to abort my child whilst fil grilled DP at home. Previous to this dp's relationship was strained with his parents, apparently ever since he left home they had been a total mess, very controlling and manipulative, the first time I met them dps mother cried and screamed at him (for not seeing her in a month) accusing him of changing, not caring and being a failure (so odd) she cried and stormed up and down the stairs whilst dps dad shouted at him for upsetting his mother.
I should've run for the hills.
They have continued to try (I must admit due to my naivety and perhaps me being a bit immature and trying to please mil, they have succeeded) at manipulating dp and I to "do as we are told" and we have spent 3 years walking on egg shells around them.
I'm exhausted by it all and right now just want to run away.
I came across a load of emails from fil (to do) who basically accused me of depriving our child of being spoilt by her grandparents and of a normal life by asking them to stop buying her gifts every week, to keep gifts to trips out, quality time with them and obviously presents from birthday and Xmas and Easter if they wish (they can shower her in as much love and attention as they wish but I don't want to bring up a child spoiled by materialistic things) I always thought they liked me (they've always expressed that dp grates on them but never me) but they accused me of "despising the way they lived because they have money" etc (they think everyone who isn't as rich as them is jealous of them) mil constantly bangs on about it and told dp I need to "man up and put ss first".
Now, I'm furious, because all this was hidden from me, they really layed into Me and my family basically saying they want "access" to dd etc and that my own mother has no problems with "acsess" but she sees dd the same amount, if not less than them.
They constantly put dp down, he shrinks into a scares child around them and it's depressing to watch, all they do is tell him he's a failure, that he's fat, that ime fat and nag and nag about our parenting ect (I think we are pretty amazing parents, we make some mistakes with not sticking to our guns with dd when she throws paddys but not bad parents)
I'm ranting now, there's just so much to this I feel I can't write it all down. Mil has now started coming over uninvited so I can't even hide from them anymore and I'm just devastated ive got this for the rest of their lives.
What an earth do I do?

[BerylStreep]

OP I have only just seen this. How are things at the moment? Have you been speaking to one another?

[rumbleinthrjungle]

If you feel that's what you need then of course that's the right thing to do. You've reached the end of what you're prepared to tolerate or live with. FWIW, I think the wake up call may be what you need to see whether he's prepared to make some changes and whether your relationship is his priority. If it isn't, then unfortunately that's information you need to be able to make your own decisions about what is best for you and dd.

[Ohfourfoxache]

Not only does headspace sound good as Jux suggests, but it sounds like he needs a kick up the arse to realise that you're serious about this.

Fwiw I definitely think you've done the right thing x

[Jux]

It's habit, isn't it? When he was small he had no coice but to give up and get over it. He's grown up like that and it's ingrained habit. In order to change that habit, he will have to be constantly vigilant. Counselling will help - for him, I mean. It's unlikely he'll manage to do it by himself, and you can't really help him except to support him. He needs to find a good counsellor who has experience of counselling in toxic families.

You and he need to talk, talk and talk. He is used to giving in and getting over what they do. He needs to understand that you are not (and are not prepared to) and - very important - does he actually want your children to learn to do that or does he want them to grow up strong and confident and able to stand up to bullies. Does he want them swallowing disappointment and putting on smiles, while they cry inside, or not?

Headspace sounds good.

[Chuckitinthefuckitbucket]

I've just told him I need space. I really do. I just need to be away from them and their drama and manipulation and he won't protect us from it.
They are away on holiday for a week, he can go and stay there but I just don't want to be around him now I feel so hurt that he's allowed them to get away with what they've done, I feel like getting hold of them and telling them how I feel but I think he needs to do it. He was so angry when he found out what they'd done on Sunday, fuming! And then he's just let himself get over it etc.
I doubt we'll seperate but I need time to think about a Way forward. All we've done is argue for months now

[Skiptonlass]

Well, I can't tell you if you've done the right thing or not but he does need to realise you're serious. Maybe that will be the kick up the bum he needs.

Separation may not be the best way to go though - if he has partial custody there's absolutely nothing to stop him just taking the kids round to his mums whenever he has them... :(

I think you need to let him know that he puts you and your child first though. You need to talk and get some outside professional help together. So sorry you're going through all this :(

[Chuckitinthefuckitbucket]

My DP didn't speak to his parents.
We've just had a huge fall out, he left for work and then I packed all his stuff up on a huge suitcase and left it outside.
I'm not really sure where it came from but I feel so relived; it's been brewing for a long long time. I'm so fed up of being put last. I really am. I always put him and dd first and he's totally incapable of it.
I feel like I've done something crazy but something necessary at the same time, I just can't live like this anymore. It's caused so much friction in our relationship and I am so sick of arguing, I don't want dd around it.
Someone please reassure me that I've done the right thing? I think he needs to realise I really can't cope anymore

[Skiptonlass]

What happened when your dp spoke to them?

[Jux]

I really think that it would help in Glasto-type scenarios when you two are away if your dd could get used to spending the night at your mum's. It will be much easier for her to refuse them if she's on home territory, though it will be very very hard to do if your dh doesn't take a firm stand NOW. Otherwise, he's just made a decision in his head and leaving everyone else to deal with the fall out while he wanders merrily through the tulips.

[MamanOfThree]

They DO know they have done something you don't like. Don't be fooled by that.
You told them your dd was with your DM and they weren't needed.
You told them that no you don't want them to look after dd.
You told them that taking your dd away for 5(!!!) hours wo telling you where she is is not OK.

And you are still thinking they really don't think they have done something wrong and they don't see the problem?

They do see it. But they have decided NOT to do anything about it! And to carry on doing as they please.

Now, I would be really really clear. Next time they are with your dd (if it ever happens), whether you are leaving her with them for 1hour and it lasts longer or they are 'proposing' the 'help' your mum, make it clear that you WILL ring the Police if you don't know exactely who your dd is with.

Make it clear that if she is with them wo your consent, you WILL call the Police.

I would also keep all the emails they have sent with the abuse, the blackmailing, the not listening etc etc.

I would also look at counselling ASAP for your DP (and/or you together). He will need as much support as possible to deal with all that.

[maud876]

I can only advice you from my own experience which is that I wish I had stood up to my mil whatever the consequences.
At least you seem to be able to speak to your dh about it which I was never able to. I was always accused of imagining it and being too sensitive.
He did admit, after she died, that he didn't believe any if her c**p about what any wonderful family they were and I hoped that her not being around would make our relationship stronger.
in fact it has had the opposite effect. He now accuses me of trying to control him among many other things which he was unable to say to his mother.
you sound much stronger and more self confident than I was. My advice is fix it. Basically your husband has to realise where his loyalties lie, and it sounds like he does, but he must also be prepared to act upon it like necessary.

[Ohfourfoxache]

You need to stand up to them. How about a new rule? You and dd don't see them unless DH is there. They don't have dd by themselves. If they don't like it then tough shit.

[BerylStreep]

Your poor Mum.

She is right though, this is something for your DP to deal with, but it seems as if he is paralysed with fear in the face of an unstoppable force. Except that they can be stopped and managed. I truly think that your DP needs to write them a letter, explaining where the problems lie, and giving them a chance to take it on board (which they won't), but at least it has been spelled out to them.

[Chuckitinthefuckitbucket]

I've managed to talk to mum about it all properly and she was sorry she messes up. She's a total air head sometimes and thought I said they could take her swimming (which they didn't they took her out all day anyway) but she does understand etc but thinks dp needs to stand up to them for it all to be sorted.
They've really no idea they've done anytbing and have messages asking to see us today!

[schlong]

What are you waiting for to go NC with these weirdos? Maybe I'm missing something. If your dp's too weak to stand up to them you do it. Woman up and protect your fam. They haven't got a leg to stand on legally. If they'd had their way and you'd had an abortion they wouldn't even have your dd to mess you around with.

[BerylStreep]

Sorry this happened, although I think it was inevitable it was going to.

[DollyTwat]

They are horrendous. But they still do this stuff cos they get away with it. Skin of a rhino. They are treating you both like naughty teenagers bs you are both trying not to upset them, because you're nice. They don't care about upsetting YOU though. In their eyes you are children

This has to be the BIG thing that stops the whole nature of the relationship. Don't blame your mum, they've done this to you too, they don't sound easy to refuse

[rumbleinthrjungle]

Really sorry to contradict Saturnista but if you Google something like grandparents court access to grandchildren as gps would if seeking information, you can immediately find legal firms advertising to help gps regain access with explicit reference to family disagreements and not just divorce. And talking about success rates of 'reuniting many gps with gcs'. One easy to find site even has a dummy court form for self representation and shows a case where parents chose to go nc. GPs case was that hostilities between adults shouldn't deprive the children of their gps.

Keeping evidence that gps are not harmless and it isn't just a family tiff may be a useful thing to do just in case.

[Jux]

You have every reason to be upset by your mum. I feel sorry for her though, as your PILs are known to be bullies, have backed her into a corner before, and she's in such a difficult situation as she, like you, doesn't want to be the cause of massive fall out. So, maybe tomorrow you might be a bit gentle with her? I can just imagine what they were like.

"Gd is with other gm at home, and ds and dil are away. They've said they don't want us to go over or to see dd, but why shouldn't we? Now, that we come to think of it, we want to see her. Very badly. So we shall." They ride rough shod over you and dh, so why not over your mum too?

Glastonbury was unfortunate timing. If you'd been at home, maybe you could have withstood them, but what happened, happened. No one's fault. Bullies who haven't really been stood up to yet, will continue on their way, in their way, with no idea that attitudes towards them have changed. And once they do realise, they will up the ante.

You and dh need to be prepared for that. DH needs some practice at standing up to them. Has he read the toxic parents book? What does he think of it?

Good luck to you all.

[Chuckitinthefuckitbucket]

Dp is going to speak to them tomorrow, they'll feel they've done nothing wrong. I'm sure. And it will all be for nothing. As far as I'm concerned I have a right to know where my 2 year old is at all times and who with. My mum has apologised but said she got confused and thought id be okay for an afternoon with grandparents just not a night or all day. God knows!
And peggy if any of the following is NORMAL to you, then I'm sorry- that's sad and very worrying !!!

won't go into details but it resulted in my mil dragging me into a field whilst I balled my eyes out and she cried and begged me to abort my child whilst fil grilled DP at home.

apparently ever since he left home they had been a total mess, very controlling and manipulative, the first time I met them dps mother cried and screamed at him (for not seeing her in a month)
He's hust petrified of the fall out and has only just started to manage to say "no" to them, even over the most simple things like "no we ant day for dinner", it still makes him uncomfortable because he knows that eventually they will explode.

[Nanny0gg]

peggyundercrackers

Have you read the thread? Did you miss the parts like They constantly put dp down, he shrinks into a scares child around them and it's depressing to watch, all they do is tell him he's a failure, that he's fat, that ime fat and nag and nag about our parenting ect

This is normal is it?

And if I returned my DGC 5 hours late without my DC being able to contact me then they'd be handing me my head on a plate, at the very least. Normal it's not.

[peggyundercrackers]

Sorry but from all you have written I think what your doing is way over the top - apart from the beginning I don't really think they have done anything really wrong. So they buy your dd gifts? That's completely normal for most GPs - yep they may buy a lot but so what... Your DD is 2 so it's not like she is going to know she's getting stuff every week, she will only behave like a spoilt child if you let her. It's normal for parents to ask about their children's career, it's normal for GPs to take your dd for a swim and be late, it's normal for GPs to bathe your child.

I can't believe you, or anyone else for that matter, would take advice like you have from a load of strangers on the Internet and then act on it... That is absolute madness!

[AspieAndNT]

OMG!! I am horrified at your Mum. It was not her decision to make who your DD is with. She has really let you down and I don't think you can let her have your DD again until you deal with the inlaws and contact.

[DPotter]

A restraining order was my first reaction as well Springydaffs. Extreme yes but you're not dealing with normal people here. At the very least have a session with a solicitor and discuss any potential legal options. A line in the sand has most definitely been crossed. I would be worried by not tackling this in some way you will have lost any chance of it. Your DP has to step up to the mark now.

[notquitegrownup2]

I don't think you should be too hard on your mum. You know how persistent dps parents can be and you knew that they knew you were away and that she was alone at your house - although you briefed her, she hasn't had months of this to prepare her, as you have - and she doesn't have MN behind her!

I think you should forget being angry with your mum. You trust her and are going to want some support/babysitting from her in future. As Skipton says, this is just extra fuel to remind you that you need very firm boundaries which you are going to have to enforce - and you are going to have to protect your mum too, if you want her to help you out.