would you end a fledgling relationship over this?

[FolkGirl]

I've been seeing someone for about 3 months. A couple of weeks ago i was unsure if I should end it over my own insecurities for his sake. I tried to, he became upset and persuaded me that I need to take a chance on another person at some point and that he was only interested in me. I'm going to preface this with the tired description of him as a really sweet guy, loads of friends close to his family, very respectable yada yada that I know means nothing.

So a couple of conversations/throwaway comments over the last week have made me question things. Again.

My boundaries are a bit shit, so I'm trying to work on those and it's finding the balance between, "you deserve better than that" and "fgs, FG, he's only human!".

So...

A comment that when he and his wife were still together, he and a couple of his friends/colleagues really fancied a very attractive woman at work and they used to flirt with/talk about her (I can imagine what was said). Basically, being a bit lechy. He said they were all in relationships so there was no intent there. And when they realised just how much younger she was, it felt a bit wrong. "Just harmless banter" though. Just feels very disrespectful to the young woman and his wife, although sthe woman flirted too. We all flirt at work a little, but it just felt a bit seedy. Timescales wise this would have been about 3 years ago. But he will still meet a lot of new young very attractive women. It goes with the job. Not sure I want to be with someone who is looking and flirting that openly.

In same conversation, he said it was hard letting go of wanting to be with a young (e.g. 25 yo) woman. He's early 40s. He said that (before meeting me, of course...) he had to remind himself that that attractive young woman he'd just seen wouldn't be interested so he had to look at older women seriously instead. I kind of feel like I've been 'settled for' because he's realised he can't do any better and get the sort of woman he wants anymore (which is one of my big hang ups because I was told that was all I'd ever be good for).

There are a couple of other little things that just don't sit quite right with me. But I don't know if that's just me and I have impossibly unrealistic expectations, or what!

So if this were you, what would you do?

Am I being unrealistic?

And obviously, these are only 2 things and a snapshot. I've clearly left out the good stuff!

He might just be talking about what his life is like, how he feels, and trying to get from you how you feel about that, or even to ask for some pointers about how to behave.

If it makes you uncomfortable, get rid.

In fact, as he's making you feel 'settled for', ditch him pronto. You don't need a man who makes you feel second best.

It's really hard to tell from that. I think I would be slowing it right down and staying in the 'getting to know him' phase for a very long time before committing sexually or otherwise.

Main problem with a new relationship is this - you just don't know him very well. That is the one mistake I have made over and over again - not waiting to know someone before diving in on the offchance they are a nice person.

Frankly, he is a mystery to you, and you are to him, and it's good he is opening up about stuff like this, because it will give you a picture of his personality - but take it as exactly, that, a picture of him.

He basically is hung up on younger women and this may or may not create issues in future.

You don't know yet, not till you have been around him and friends with him for months and months and possibly even years.

When a person tells you who they are though, listen. Make notes. Keep tabs. There is no hurry, or there shouldn't be anyway. You may find you meet someone nicer while this one is in his probation period. You may find it works out fine.

Just don't commit yet. He's a stranger.

It could just be bravado?

If I had this many doubts 3 months in though, I wouldn't waste my time. It should be fun and about just the two of you.

If things don't sit right with you then maybe you shouldn't settle for second best

Sounds to me like he is coming to terms with getting older and is confiding in you.

Re the flirting at work - We all flirt at work a little, but it just felt a bit seedy.

Let's break that down.

You say we all flirt at work. so you don't disapprove of flirting as such.

but it just felt a bit seedy. he said "when they realised just how much younger she was, it felt a bit wrong" - basically agreeing with you

Re the age thing, don't we all sometimes look at a nice Young Man < channelling Harry Enfield > and think "oh for goodness sake, you are FAR too old to be allowed to find him attractive." ? He's just saying "I realised I needed to grow up and play with girls my own age."

So, no, I wouldn't dump over this.

You are getting to know him as ta less about lust now. As time goes on you will learn more about him and those things will either make you fall in love or not. Clearly you are finding out things you don't like its a case of can you live with them or not?

if you're having to talk yourself into a relationship at this early stage then it's not a good relationship.

As an aside, anyone who uses the word "banter" is a massive cock because it's always an excuse for being rude and/or unpleasant towards someone else.

Also it doesn't matter about realistic. It matters about making you happy. If certain things don't sit right with you I would suggest that's not good enough.

Most things, in fact almost everything, should be sitting right with you. Otherwise what is the point - this is the person you want to be right on side with, defending them, standing with them at every difficult juncture. If you can't honestly do that then there's no point being together.

Thanks for your replies.

See, the feeling 'settled for' thing, I've never felt any different. Everyone I've been out with has been with me because of a reason other than they thought I was amazing. So I know my starting point will always be edging towards feeling lime that.

And that's what I wondered, whether those are minor points. Is every man 'settling for' every woman who isn't young and very attractive? Is that just the fate of every woman who isn't an airbrushed fantasy? If so, then that's a lot of dissatisfied men and a lot of 'settled for' women.

I told him yesterday that I'm going to lose a little weight, not a lot, but I have put a fair bit on recently. He said that as long as I was doing it for myself and not because i thought he wanted me to then he would support it. He said he thinks I'm attractive as I am. But then the voice in my head is telling me he thinks I'm attractive, but other women are very attractive with the emphasis on very.

Thanks for the insight.

It's interesting to read. And the 'breakdowns'. I don't have a problem with lighthearted flirting with no intention, no.

Most things do sit right. The things that don't are the things that impact on my feelings of self worth. But that's where I don't know if I'm being unrealistic.

It's interesting to read. Thanks.

I tjink I just feel like no one will ever match up to my expectations!

I think the advice about slowing down and not committing is very sage. Thanks.

"He would support it" wtf?! It's your body, your decision and his support is not something to be bestowed.

I know a few men who seem to have got stuck as immature 19 year olds in their heads and they prefer much younger women in their 20s and behave in a disrespectful way towards women. I wouldn't touch any of them with a barge pole and thankfully they are in the minority. I'm sure I don't need to tell you that the issue is with these men, NOT the women they encounter being better/worse or more/less attractive.

There are plenty of decent, respectful men out there who will find you very attractive and won't disrespect you by talking about other women in such a way as to make you second best.

But ultimately, if a relationship doesn't add something to your life and make it better why are you in it?

Thanks moving. I'm not sure that he is one of those men really. I have a couple of friends who are and women over 25 are invisible to them! He's clearly not like that. And I think the support thing was just a clumsy way of telling me he didn't want me to lose weight for him. He's not said anything to me to make me feel bad about my weight, that's me. But when I see him look at other women,it's always the young slim ones who catch his eye.

Yeah, I'm not sure there are men who would find me attractive. At least not with first having come to terms with the fact they can't get a younger more attractive woman anymore!

But that's where I'm not sure whether this is more about me or him. Or whether it is me, but it doesn't meam it's not also him!

He's very nice to me. But I'm back where I always am of just not knowing whether or not someone fancies me or I'm good enough.

Have you done anything to tackle your lack of self esteem?

The first wouldn't bother me, the second would put me off as it would make me think the man was very immature/focussed on looks and image/shallow.

Fair enough, we can all look at a young hot person and think phwoaar. I'm sure we all do. But most of us wouldn't want a relationship with someone so much younger, at a different stage in life, different references, different maturity.

I asked DP if he'd have dated a 25 year old, given the chance, before we met. No, he said, all right for a shag but what would they talk about, what would they do? He thinks a 25 year old would be boring. (and I don't think he was just saying all this, I'm secure/good self esteem, wouldn't have cared if he'd said yes).

That would make me feel terrible as well. Why would he even say those things to you? these are thoughts he should have kept in his head.

If he is hung up on younger women, what would happen if a woman in her twenties did come on to him? he may feel he could not turn her down. Hmm

Moving - yes, many times over the years. Clearly none of it very effective!!

Love - that's kind of pretty much what he said yesterday actually. He said he wouldn't really want to be with someone younger than 28. But it's hard accepting that those days are over. I suppose I just don't feel like that amd I never look at anyone younger and think phwoar, so I suppose that's why it feels uncomfortable.

Rebecca - that's what worries me.

I suppose I don't like the idea of my boyfriend looking at another woman and thinking "phwoar" when I have nothing to offer to compete with that and they aren't going to be thinking that about me. How do I reconcile that?

Even if I ended it with him, I'd be in the same situation next time. I never feel good enough.

I don't know how to do it.

That's exactly it reading. What would you talk about? Most 25 year old women are not looking to settle down so it would be a pretty superficial relationship - which is fine if that's what you both want.

Most men, in fact most people, I know prefer to have a relationship of equals and based on a broad range of things, not just something as arbitrary and superficial as youth.

you are good enough. And I think you are better than this.

not sure he is as ALL he is interested in is appearance. He doesn't care about the personality, just the 25 year old boobs.

shallow, and like similar swimming pools suitable for recreational purposes only.

no he sounds a nob

seriously what the fuck

"I can't get a young sexy woman so chose you"

fuck him off

you deserve so much better x

He doesn't sound very nice. When you are with someone new, you want to convey yourself in the best light possible. It doesn't sound like he is trying to do that. It sounds like he is saying veiled things to make you feel insecure so that he can get you in a position where you're weak and grateful.

As others have said, you should ignore your gut instinct at your peril.

I don't think this type of general chit chat is really the basis on which to make a decision about whether you have a future together. I would be looking for actions- how is he with his friends, how is he with female colleagues, his family and so on.

What you've described him saying could signal so many things, everything from an aging man who still fancies younger women, to an older maturing man who realises that the world moves on! I might say that I still fancy the odd man in his late twenties, but I have realised they probably don't fancy me, without this being sinister. Similarly, I have flirted with male colleagues, in an open way, if it was banter between the male colleagues and a female, it's hardly like he was making a play for her.

I think this level of over-analysis is going to kill anything. No-one's words are going to stand up to this level of scrutiny. It's also hard to tell what people mean, given the words on a page, a lot would depend on tone, other actions, context and so on.

That doesn't mean he's the right guy for you, if you have to be convinced twice in a month he's right for you, perhaps he isn't. Or it could be the case you have an automatic over-analysis and rejection thing going on (which I had myself) which means pretty much anyone fails.

You do sound insecure though, if you would prefer not to be with him, you can make that choice without justifying it by what he said.