would you end a fledgling relationship over this?

[FolkGirl]

I've been seeing someone for about 3 months. A couple of weeks ago i was unsure if I should end it over my own insecurities for his sake. I tried to, he became upset and persuaded me that I need to take a chance on another person at some point and that he was only interested in me. I'm going to preface this with the tired description of him as a really sweet guy, loads of friends close to his family, very respectable yada yada that I know means nothing.

So a couple of conversations/throwaway comments over the last week have made me question things. Again.

My boundaries are a bit shit, so I'm trying to work on those and it's finding the balance between, "you deserve better than that" and "fgs, FG, he's only human!".

So...

A comment that when he and his wife were still together, he and a couple of his friends/colleagues really fancied a very attractive woman at work and they used to flirt with/talk about her (I can imagine what was said). Basically, being a bit lechy. He said they were all in relationships so there was no intent there. And when they realised just how much younger she was, it felt a bit wrong. "Just harmless banter" though. Just feels very disrespectful to the young woman and his wife, although sthe woman flirted too. We all flirt at work a little, but it just felt a bit seedy. Timescales wise this would have been about 3 years ago. But he will still meet a lot of new young very attractive women. It goes with the job. Not sure I want to be with someone who is looking and flirting that openly.

In same conversation, he said it was hard letting go of wanting to be with a young (e.g. 25 yo) woman. He's early 40s. He said that (before meeting me, of course...) he had to remind himself that that attractive young woman he'd just seen wouldn't be interested so he had to look at older women seriously instead. I kind of feel like I've been 'settled for' because he's realised he can't do any better and get the sort of woman he wants anymore (which is one of my big hang ups because I was told that was all I'd ever be good for).

There are a couple of other little things that just don't sit quite right with me. But I don't know if that's just me and I have impossibly unrealistic expectations, or what!

So if this were you, what would you do?

Am I being unrealistic?

I would end the relationship, not so much be ause of him, but because of you. You really do need to be more satisfied with yourself than you sound, before trying to blend your life with another person.

You dont have to be overbrimming with confidence and obnoxiously full of yourself, but you do need to be able to say THIS is who I am, what I think, how I look and that's just fine. Or even amazing.

Truth. I know what you're saying. I just can't believe I've met another man for whom I'm not (good) enough.

As an adult, I've had 2 proper long term relationships (inc a marriage), a boyfriend for 10 months and a handful of shorter 'flings'. And no one has ever come close to loving me. I'm just getting older and bigger and less attractive. So what hope is there?

It's ridiculous. I can't believe it's so hard. :(

I just feel like he can't say I look nice or he really fancies me or I'm beautiful or whatever because it would be a lie and he's very honest...

FG - it's too soon for this guy to love you, but when you tried to end it he did get upset and asked you not to end things yet, so it's not like he could just take you or leave you.

If you don't mind me asking (you may have mentioned it already and I missed it), how old are you? (you say you're just getting "older and less attractive").

Momagain. I think you're probbly right. Although I also think I'm not going to feel better because this is what I am and it's not really good enough :(

I'm not looking for someone to make everything ok or to make me feel good about myself. But I was rather hoping to find someone who doesn't make me feel worse!

Also, can I just ask… honestly, how did you react to compliments? What do you actually say in response? What do you feel?

FolkGirl this bloke is a manipulative twunt and you are far too good for him.

He sounds emotionally abusive to me.

Laurie. I know it's too soon for him to love me. It's more that if he doesn't feel enamoured withe at this stage, it's not going to progress into something more is it? If he doesn't even think I look pretty or doesn't feel copelled to say somethimg nice amd is obviously checking out other women, he's never going to.

I'm 40.

Honestly? I replied positively. I believed him. At the very least I said thank you. I've learnt to receive compliments even if I don't believe them ;)

Except that I did believe them.

And they were believeable. They were along the lines of "you look so beautiful in the moonlight" (believeable because everyone does) and "I like the way you look in that dress" rather than "I've never felt like this about anyone before" which I wouldn't believe!

FG - well good, I'm glad to hear you can accept compliments (I'm personally terrible at it)!

This just confirms to me then… this guy is not right for you and I always think that 3 months is the time to judge these things.

On a completely separate note (nothing to do with this guy), it does sound a little like you have some hang ups about your weight in the sense that you say you always mention it once to show them you're not aware, but then don't diet etc. If you feel uncomfortable, do something for you, if not… don't mention it!

Truth. Yes thar makes sense. I think it only becomes such a thing because my mum openly didn't love me and I think there's a level on which I just want proof that I am loveable.

That doesn't mean I need someone to love me, just that the possibility is there that they coild love me if our relationship got that far rather than just a blunt, "no. That's not going to happen"

If you don't think each other is amazing three months in , I don't think you should be considering a long term relationship .
I have known my DH nearly 35 years, married nearly 33 . He thought I was gorgeous ( I was slim and pretty but I was also 30 and most definitely not gorgeous) , told me so constantly- but it tailed off and now I rarely get a compliment, except obliquely (e.g. he is glad I havent 'let myself go like X's wife' , ). He adored me and I fell for his intelligence, kindness and the fact he adored me and treated me so well (he has actually aged rather well but I didn't marry him for his looks).
I tell my DDs if it isnt wonderful in the beginning then forget it . You need that to look back on when the going gets rough (and find me a long- married couple when the going hasn't got rough.)
Work on your self esteem issues and be the best you can-for you . DH says he was attracted to me because I was so happy in my skin , despite being unattached at 30! .

Lairie, yes I do have huge hang ups about my weight. My mother told me I was too fat 3 stone ago! When I definitely wasn't.

I'm going to do something about it. Signed up to WW this morning so that's that. It's not that I don't diet, but I don't get hung up on only eating salads or no desert if I go out for dinner with someone.

I do need people to know that I know I'm not slim because I don't want them to think I think I'm good enough when I'm not.

Thank you post. You're right about that.

I suppose I just don't think anyone will think I'm amazing or recognise it if they did.

Oh well

Onwards and upwards eh?

I am finding this hugely helpful x

I don't want them to think I think I'm good enough when I'm not

Have you seen the 'what would you tell your 40 year old self thread?' 40 is young. If you are unhealthily overweight and unhappy about that, please just address it for yourself. My mum is genuinely kind and lovely but Dsis and I have realised that we had hang ups about our weight when we were younger (when, looking at photos, we really, really shouldn't have) as a result of her comments, which stemmed from comments her mother made to her and so on and so on… (both of us are determined to break that cycle)!

The fact is there are plenty of men out there you are more than good enough for as you are.

I know I keep saying it, but I think 3 months is a real test time for lots of things (jobs, new areas, new relationships)… you should both be thinking each other are brilliant at this stage, and it doesn't sound like either of you are feeling that way. You don't just deserve to have someone think you're amazing… you deserve to have someone you think is amazing too!

Yes, he deserves to be with someonewho tthinks he's amazing too and i'm not sure that I do. I did. But tje way it's made me feel about myself has clouded that, when actually he mogjt have done anything wrong in someone else's eyes.

Thank you.

Haha same here truth!!

he might not have done anything wrong in someone else's eyes

He is insecure about ageing and his attractiveness. That won't be wrong in some people's eyes but you do NOT need to be with an insecure man.

Maybe

The second one is so creepy.

I've had some bad relationships but when I met dh straightaway it was easy, no angst, no hand wringing, no questioning things. That's how it should be.