would you end a fledgling relationship over this?

[FolkGirl]

I've been seeing someone for about 3 months. A couple of weeks ago i was unsure if I should end it over my own insecurities for his sake. I tried to, he became upset and persuaded me that I need to take a chance on another person at some point and that he was only interested in me. I'm going to preface this with the tired description of him as a really sweet guy, loads of friends close to his family, very respectable yada yada that I know means nothing.

So a couple of conversations/throwaway comments over the last week have made me question things. Again.

My boundaries are a bit shit, so I'm trying to work on those and it's finding the balance between, "you deserve better than that" and "fgs, FG, he's only human!".

So...

A comment that when he and his wife were still together, he and a couple of his friends/colleagues really fancied a very attractive woman at work and they used to flirt with/talk about her (I can imagine what was said). Basically, being a bit lechy. He said they were all in relationships so there was no intent there. And when they realised just how much younger she was, it felt a bit wrong. "Just harmless banter" though. Just feels very disrespectful to the young woman and his wife, although sthe woman flirted too. We all flirt at work a little, but it just felt a bit seedy. Timescales wise this would have been about 3 years ago. But he will still meet a lot of new young very attractive women. It goes with the job. Not sure I want to be with someone who is looking and flirting that openly.

In same conversation, he said it was hard letting go of wanting to be with a young (e.g. 25 yo) woman. He's early 40s. He said that (before meeting me, of course...) he had to remind himself that that attractive young woman he'd just seen wouldn't be interested so he had to look at older women seriously instead. I kind of feel like I've been 'settled for' because he's realised he can't do any better and get the sort of woman he wants anymore (which is one of my big hang ups because I was told that was all I'd ever be good for).

There are a couple of other little things that just don't sit quite right with me. But I don't know if that's just me and I have impossibly unrealistic expectations, or what!

So if this were you, what would you do?

Am I being unrealistic?

Also I don't think this is about age or looks. He's playing on your insecurities. And he damned well knows it.

Even though I'm generally considered very attractive I've still been with some awful men who think they can make me feel bad by comparing me to others. I am a bit like you in that my boundaries aren't very good. I had a partner who was insecure and very jealous. He kept on talking about other women he had slept with while I was with him. When I called him out on it his response was 'well who do you think you are, you're not that attractive'.

So what I'm saying is that this is about him, not about you.

Hm interesting. He is very nice to me and is affectionate. But he doesn't compliment me or my appearance. I've been aware for a few weeks and wondered if he doesn't say nice things to me because he doesn't think them/can't bring himself to.

He was very complimemtary to me until he'd seen me naked and, to be fair, that would put most people off ! :-D

I'm back to where i always find myself if wondering whether I'm a stop gap/settled for/do till something better comes along....

But the point is that a decent man might notice attractive people but if he wanted to be with you then he would make sure you felt loved, wanted and secure and that you are WORTH being with.

This man has deliberately said things that will make you feel the opposite. And that was his intention.

Just stay away from him Folkgirl. The man in my post never said I looked nice either. You deserve someone who makes you feel loved.

He's testing the water to see how much of his womanising/flirting/letching you'll put up with.
People define themselves by the stories they tell.

He was very complimemtary to me until he'd seen me naked

wtf

is he for real

Have you tried telling him that his comments are making you uncomfortable?

Men can be funny about age. I have a male friend who's generally a top guy and we share our dating stories with one another. But recently I was quite riled when he told me that at 36 he would rather date women in their mid-late 20s, so he had more time to make up his mind about getting serious. And then proceeded to ask me if chasing a 24 year old was ok.

I think the first two examples show he's self aware, which is good.
Not complimenting you is no good though, particularly as you're insecure.
It's up to you. Can you use the relationship to explore what happens when you say 'I need' 'when you say that I feel..'

It is something any bloke might feel (the thing about younger women) but the fact he's thought it relevant to bring up in conversation with you makes me think he is preparing you, warning you, almost 'clearing' it with you so that if and when he does stray, or flirt or whatever, he can say 'Oh but I told you about this when we were first together. I thought you were Ok with it'.

That would concern me.

The conversation about having to let go of the idea of a 25 year old would bother me. Does he realize this works both ways ie a 25 year old man is probably in better physical shape than he is ? What a stupid insensitive thing to say.

I would NOT put up with him oggling young woman when your together. It's rude and disrespectful. I also wouldn't think him a sweet guy for being concerned that your losing weight for him. I'd think him an arrogant prick for even thinking it. Does he really think he's all that ? He sounds very chauvinistic.

Dating is meant to be fun. Clearly this relationship is making you feel bad about yourself.

See, I'm with BursaryMum here. There are thoughts we all have, being human and all. But I don't feel the need to share them with my lovely DP. It would be hurtful and unecessary. He is either very tactless, or he is deliberately keeping you 'on your toes' by not letting you feel too secure IUSWIM. IME, this gets worse over time, not better. Sorry....

He is very nice to me and is affectionate. But he doesn't compliment me or my appearance.

Oh, fuck him off. At three months in it should be compliments all the way and comments about how he can't wait to fuck you tonight, etc.

Quite, pocket

His story about the work flirting whilst he was still married is to tell you what to expect later down the line and see what you are willing to put up with.

As for a 40 something having to 'let go' of the idea of a bouncy 20something. Where's my tiny violin?

But this: He was very complimemtary to me until he'd seen me naked

Not worth hanging onto this guy.

I agree with balloonslayer on the first page. Perhaps he hasn't worded things well but I don't think he meant it badly.
I know I see really attractive younger women and then realise I'm prob about 10 years older than. I think it's just part of getting older.

I also think you should trust your instincts tho. it's ringing alarm bells for you for a reason. Only you know your morals and what you think is right and wrong.

FG - who initiated the conversation about flirting with younger women, letting go of the idea of still being attractive to young women etc.? Did you probe and specifically ask these questions or did he just bring them up unprompted?

It sounds to me like you want permission to end this, you feel hasn't done anything significantly bad enough to justify it. But you can end a relationship just because it makes you feel uncomfortable.

I think he sounds extremely immature and a bit of a knob. He's not the kind of man I'd give the time of day to. I don't think your expectations are too high but too low.

If he wants to be with a younger woman that much, I'd just leave him to it. You seem to be sticking with him because he confirms your belief that you're someone who men who only 'settle' for.

Hm. See pictish, I agree with you about the stories people tell.

But he really doesn't come across as that sort of man. He has lots of friends - male and female who are all nice decent people. He has good relationships with his respectable family. He passes the waitress test etc...

I think, bursary, that is what I'm asking. Pretty much everything makes me feel shit about myself. So that's not really a measure.

He hasn't said anything to criticise me directly. These comments have been made in the course of perfectly reasonable conversations. I don't want to misrepresent him. He's not a bastard, I just don't really get it.

He wasn't so blunt as to say "I couldn't get anyine young and sexy so I chose you", but that's certainly how I interpreted it. I mean he might have just meant that the last time he was single was 12 years ago and it took some adjustment. But the fact is I don't know.

I just think I need to be single really. Don't I?

I'm not very good at thus relationship business!

I don't think you need to be single, although you could undoubtedly work on your self-esteem. I think you need to be with someone who makes you feel comfortable.

How much is him and how much is your insecurities is not important - the fact is together you don't gel.

He sounds a bit immature, realising he isn't 25 any more, and over-disclosing. Which would be do-able if you had robust self-esteem, OP, but you don't. Without knowing how it was said, it could be:

1. something you should not take to heart so much (although the lack if compliments is a bit meh)
2. your gut is telling you he's not good for you.

Thank you.

The conversation was just a general conversation about finding yourself single again, how we we different/similar to when we were younger. It just came about from there. Wasn't probing or asking leading questions designed to trap or test.

He knows my insecurities. He's been pretty good, but he had a very different upbringing/relatonship history and i'm not sure he really gets it.

Twinkle, I think I just wanted to know whether it was all in my head and these things were only things that bothered me.

Thing is, the last few men who've shown an interest in me have acknowledged the fact I'm a little on the large side and reassured me it wasn't an issue. Thing is, I'm not even that big!!

But I get "it doesn't bother me" rather than "don't be daft you're not fat!" Responses. I feel the need to acknowledge it so that they know I'maware. But I don't go on about it because I know that's unattractive. Acknowledge it once and then move on.

I met someone I liked a while ago. I thought he might ask me out but he didn't. But, as much as I would have wanted to, I would have said no because he's younger than me amd I'd already written myself off.

I don't recognise him in any of the harsher words on here. That's not because I'm naive, but because I don't think it's deliberate.

He was very complimentary to begin with. For the first few weeks I did feel comfortable, I believed he fancied me and he clearly did. He was really complimentary - no hyperbole, just genuine considered compliments. I really thought that this time it would be different. But then it literally changed the weekend we dtd for the first time (after 6 wks)

I don't want to ask him about it because I don't want to put him in an awkward position. Or hear it if he's honest. And we've already had the chat about what we're both looking for in a relationship. I'm not going to say any more. I want him to compliment me or say something nice because he feels it. Not because I've asked hin to.

Yes handy. I think it was over disclosing and too honest rather than potentially abusive amd controlling. But it's made me feel inadequate and shit :-(

Oh and I always refer to myself as curvy rather than fat and don't ever complain or restrict what I eat.

I don't like his comments they would put me off especially the bit about wanting a 25 yo but having to 'accept' he can't get that anymore!