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Original poster

would you end a fledgling relationship over this?

248 replies

FolkGirl · 25/05/2015 10:56

I've been seeing someone for about 3 months. A couple of weeks ago i was unsure if I should end it over my own insecurities for his sake. I tried to, he became upset and persuaded me that I need to take a chance on another person at some point and that he was only interested in me. I'm going to preface this with the tired description of him as a really sweet guy, loads of friends close to his family, very respectable yada yada that I know means nothing.

So a couple of conversations/throwaway comments over the last week have made me question things. Again.

My boundaries are a bit shit, so I'm trying to work on those and it's finding the balance between, "you deserve better than that" and "fgs, FG, he's only human!".

So...

A comment that when he and his wife were still together, he and a couple of his friends/colleagues really fancied a very attractive woman at work and they used to flirt with/talk about her (I can imagine what was said). Basically, being a bit lechy. He said they were all in relationships so there was no intent there. And when they realised just how much younger she was, it felt a bit wrong. "Just harmless banter" though. Just feels very disrespectful to the young woman and his wife, although sthe woman flirted too. We all flirt at work a little, but it just felt a bit seedy. Timescales wise this would have been about 3 years ago. But he will still meet a lot of new young very attractive women. It goes with the job. Not sure I want to be with someone who is looking and flirting that openly.

In same conversation, he said it was hard letting go of wanting to be with a young (e.g. 25 yo) woman. He's early 40s. He said that (before meeting me, of course...) he had to remind himself that that attractive young woman he'd just seen wouldn't be interested so he had to look at older women seriously instead. I kind of feel like I've been 'settled for' because he's realised he can't do any better and get the sort of woman he wants anymore (which is one of my big hang ups because I was told that was all I'd ever be good for).

There are a couple of other little things that just don't sit quite right with me. But I don't know if that's just me and I have impossibly unrealistic expectations, or what!

So if this were you, what would you do?

Am I being unrealistic?

OP posts:
HelenaDove · 27/05/2015 16:52

FG Im sure that the type of men i mentioned in my post also act in the correct way when the situation calls for it. They wouldnt yell out comments across their office for instance or crane their necks to look down a fellow workers cleavage because they know what the consequences would be.

And im sorry but he DOES seek to offend. He doesnt care if he offends you. He wants you feeling insecure so that you will fall over yourself to please him and put up with his shit. Tell him to fuck off.

You deserve a bloke who thinks....shit i cant believe my luck Im with FolkGirl and i cant wait to see her tonight. This arsehole is not it!

Joysmum · 27/05/2015 16:59

If it were about physical attractiveness the nobidy would be in a monogamous relationship except model material.

I'm not remotely beautiful but my DH couldn't love me any more even if I were the most attractive woman on earth...which I am to him!

Likewise, he's not the best looking guy but I've never ever wanted or loved anyone else like him. He's my world.

Oh and for the record my weight since I've been with him has fluctuated by about 6.5 stone (excluding pregnancy) and I can hand on heart say he's never seen me differently except as my confidence has risen and fallen (which actually isn't as in cycle with my weight as you'd think).

Original poster
FolkGirl · 27/05/2015 17:02

See I'm sure he would say he does think that :(

It's things like the compliments. I want someone who will look at me and think those things and then say, "I'm so lucky I found you. You make me so happy" or "I love your hair when..." or "you're so beautiful" or whatever. But that's when I feel I have to start being realistic about it and think, well hang on, can I really expect someone to say those things if they don't think it? And can I realistically expect someone to think it if it's not true.

And round and round it goes...

OP posts:
Original poster
FolkGirl · 27/05/2015 17:06

And he isn't the sort to shout comments, but I'm beginning to see that he is the sort to quietly pass comments with his friends.

Time for a chat I think. Or an email. i don't think I want to see him in person. I think I'll need to explain why.

OP posts:
Original poster
FolkGirl · 27/05/2015 17:09

Well no, joysmum. And then even models and genuinely beautiful womem still get cheated on.

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Bubblegum89 · 27/05/2015 17:12

Hey FG, not read all the replies here as there are far too many lol but for your OP I understand why you might be feeling like you've been settled for. I'm fairly insecure as it is and I'm constantly feeling like I'm not good enough. My partner (who I am having serious issues with at the moment) used to say things like how lucky he was to have found me, how he loved me more than anything and I was the most beautiful girl in the world. He's not like that anymore. Sometimes he will say I look nice. I went to a weekend away for an important function with him. I bought a gorgeous dress as it was black tie, I made myself look fab. Or so I thought, not once did he say I looked good or give me that "look" you know the one I mean. These days all I hear from him is how he would love to "smash" girls on TV such as bloody Ellie Goulding who is blonde and skinny and looks nothing like me. Whenever a good looking girl comes on TV he tells me how he would love to have sex with them when I can pretty much count all the times we've had sex in the last few months on one hand. It makes me feel like he's settled for me. I feel like he evidently doesn't think I'm that attractive and is looking for more. It's not a nice feeling at all so I totally sympathise.

If it's upsetting you, tell him so. You deserve to have someone who makes you feel like you're the most gorgeous girl in the world even if you're not or feel like you're not. Anything less is YOU settling

Duckdeamon · 27/05/2015 17:17

I hope you dump him. He has clearly shown you who he is, and it's not as pretty as the younger, thinner women he's so openly ogling! No compliments (except this latest "cheer up love") stories about leching with friends over a sexy woman at work, expressing to you his sadness that he can't attract a younger woman (!), "reassuring" you about his weight.

Duckdeamon · 27/05/2015 17:21

It's good that you've noticed this. At pest he's a boorish, tactless lech, at worst he's deliberately trying to make you feel less worthy and keep you on your toes.

If you end it you don't have to tell him why. he might just try to gaslight you and tell you things will be fine if you let go of "your insecurity", then be nice for a bit before it all starts again!

HelenaDove · 27/05/2015 17:33

FG You dont owe him any explanation. Just a short text....

"Im sorry but its not working. We have different values I dont want to see you anymore. Goodbye and good luck and please dont contact me again.

pictish · 27/05/2015 17:33

Leaning around you in the car to get an eyeful of some young lassie minding her own business....

pictish · 27/05/2015 17:34

While on a date!!

laurierf · 27/05/2015 17:35

...intelligent, educated, very careful not to say or do the wrong thing, doesn't seek to offend, shares my social attitude, doesn't do football, prefers a pint in a quiet country pub to a nightclub, not a 'bloke' on any level

None of this is relevant. Yes my DH is intelligent and educated, yes he doesn't seek to offend, but he does football and bars and clubs and he would never be so rude as to let his eye linger on attractive women in my presence, nor make some nasty comment to me about someone who happened not to be amazingly attractive and who was just going about their own business.

I do, however, have a couple of 40 year-old single male friends who I can imagine doing exactly that. I get on well with them as mates - they are clever, funny, thoughtful etc. and a really good friend (and funnily enough one of them doesn't 'do football' either)… but they are slightly deluded about what 'league' they are in (I hate the whole concept of leagues but you get what I mean in 'their world'), the age of women they should be interested in, and I would NEVER set one of them up with one of my lovely single 30/40 something female friends and I've told them both that to their faces and explained why… I don't think they are comfortable enough in their own skin if they think the attractiveness/age of their partner reflects on themselves and, knowing them both, I think that is right at the heart of their attitude, along with a bit of good old-fashioned sexism. Of course they get very defensive when I say that (not least the sexist bit as of course these are educated, liberal, modern men)… but it's true.

HelenaDove · 27/05/2015 17:38

That comment he made about the older woman was fucking vile.

Justusemyname · 27/05/2015 17:45

This man is a complete sleaze

Original poster
FolkGirl · 27/05/2015 17:45

I know pictish. I mean we all notice and we all look. But that was beyond the pale really!

Duck - yes, it will be attributed to my insecurities.

Bubble - "anything less is YOU settling" right back at you ;)

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Original poster
FolkGirl · 27/05/2015 17:57

Laurie, yes I can see how he could be one of those friends :(

I was really inly trying to paint a picture of him as someone who doesn't shout commemts at strangers in the street. But shout, or quietly mock to your travelling companion. It makes no difference really.

OP posts:
pictish · 27/05/2015 18:02

My dad, who is a first class arse, feels compelled to add his considered opinion of the aesthetic quality of any woman he cares to mention in passing... even if it's nothing to do with the story, because that's what's important about women, right?

So he will tell an ordinary anecdote, but add in how good looking the women he is talking about, were. If he talks about going out for a meal for example, you will learn that the barmaid was a looker (by jove was she a looker!) recounted very enthusiastically, but the waitress was a plain sort of girl (but never mind) in pitying, sorrowful what-can-you-do tones. He sees nothing wrong in this whatsoever.

They are out there.

Bubblegum89 · 27/05/2015 18:03

Exactly FG ;) that's why I'm in the process of kicking him to the kerb, I know I deserve more. And you do too, I'd get rid of this guy. He seems like a total slime ball

pictish · 27/05/2015 18:14

P.s He also rubbernecks women on the street and in cars then either makes a ohh-ho-ho noise to himself if they are to his pleasing or a pffft noise if they are not.
I find it absolutely...stupid. Thick and stupid and small and shallow...and stupid!

Original poster
FolkGirl · 27/05/2015 18:15

Just makes me a bit sad. That's all :(

Without this, he would have been perfect for me in so many ways. Ticked all the boxes, even the more obscure ones!
Other than this we're completely on the same wavelength. Just feels so bloody unfair!

OP posts:
Duckdeamon · 27/05/2015 18:18

It's quite a big problem though isn't it, and you are unlikely to feel better about yourself if the relationship continues.

Justusemyname · 27/05/2015 18:20

He isn't the only man almost right for you! And where he is vile cancels out any good things you think he might have to offer.

pictish · 27/05/2015 18:25

It's a dreadful shame I agree...but what can be done? At no point are you going to be sitting there chillaxing while gets his momentary horn on, looking at some innocent lassie who's young enough to be his daughter.

Original poster
FolkGirl · 27/05/2015 18:37

Yeah, you're right.

On reflection there have been a couple of other things that I though were a bit Hmm at the time (reactions to scenes on tv progs) but within the wider context are actually pretty shitty.

It's a no brainer really. No, I'm never going to be ok with it. And yes, it is going to end up making me feel worse about myself.

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Original poster
FolkGirl · 27/05/2015 18:44

Just out of curiosity though.

What possible reason would he have for going out with me if I'm not what he wants?

Surely he'd be embarrassed by me.

We do get on v well. I think I suspect that, as usually happens, he wishes he liked me more than he does. Or wishes he could meet the younger version of me. I do believe he likes me. I think..! But I think he's probably as disappointed that I'm not young and slim (despite what he says) as I am that he appears to be a bit of an arse. So many of the boxes are ticked, just not quite all...

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