DH drugged and mugged in a red light district abroad

[youfuckingidot]

The title says it all really.

He and a friend were out for a late night drink and went to see the 'sights' (lovely). They were 'curious' apparently and were taken to a bar by a tout, when they left they were taken to another bar which had 3 girls in that they sat with on a sofa. DH has admitted he had his arms around them. Apparently they can't remember very much and it seems they were drugged (my DH was in such a state that I've no doubt it wasn't just booze he'd had) in order for this little lot to be very sketchy on detail:

They had negotiated a fixed charge to go in the bar for a drink. The problem started when a bottle of cava came to the table and his friend objected saying they'd not ordered it. He was shouting and then the blokes in there jumped over the bar and started to beat them up (the friend took a hell of a battering, my DH less so). They were taken by force to a cash till and made to handover large sums in cash (£3k in total).

Apparently this is a very common situation for British blokes to get into in this country.

I have a few issues, but I'll limit my list to the following:

1. Before it became clear what had happened DH said they were in a sports bar and mugged in the street. DH lies.

2. Hostesses are pressured into extras for a lot of clients. DH has no respect for women as no one wants to work in such a situation. He is happy to be part of the abuse of women.

3. DH admitted he has visited lap dancing bars before on lads holidays (twice) and on stag dos. See point 2.

4. If he'd not been beaten up I'd never know about his secret life. He is clearly willing to lie to me.

5. I pushed him to tell me everything like this that he's ever done, but I can't trust his word so frankly he could be talking rubbish.

6. The timeline doesn't add up, there are a couple of missing hours. Were they passed out or were they getting extras?

7. The friend and his DW have asked me not to say anything. Out of respect to my friend (DW) I have agreed. I wanted to tell my PIL, because frankly I feel mean and want revenge, but DH begged me not to as they would feel very like I do. His father is certainly not a 'one of the lads' type of man. I feel I can't speak to anyone - hence being on here.

8. I work in a very male industry and see this kind of behaviour too often (a lot more than people imagine). My DH KNOWS how I feel about it, how I view the men involved.

I have 2 DC and thought I had a nice, respectful, fairly straight-laced husband. I feel like I'm in a daze. How do I get beyond this? I can't comprehend LTB because of the DC, but feel like he's ruined everything.

I think he was shocked when I said I'd rather he'd had an affair because at least the woman involved would have been there by choice, although I'm not sure it would be any better in reality.

I've asked him to go for an STD check as frankly I don't know what's actually gone on.

I can't bear to look at him. I can't trust him. I can't even slag him off (childish I know). What do I do?

When did this all happen?

I am against the sex industry's exploitation of women, but if my husband reported this story I'd take him at his word and be besides myself with worry about his well being (and our bank account).

I think you are well aware he is LYING his ass off, god alone knows how much he spent and what precisely he spent it all on

I have no idea why you would want to have this man in your life and those of the DC, never mind protect him from his parents.

I would be doing exactly what you have done regarding sti check...and having one myself.
I think your comments about 'he lies' suggest a history here that's at odds with your idea of having a 'respectful husband', has he ever actually been that man?
Do you want to have your dc see you with a man that thinks human beings canbe treated as commodities? Would put his wife at risk of disease?
I am really sorry this has happened, but you sound strong and clear thinking.
you can tell whomever you like, you need support, you're the wronged party.

I'd be seething, wouldn't keep it quiet, certainly not from his parents, and would think he'd deserve everything he got for being so unbelievably fucking stupid. And I couldn't see how to continue any sort of relationship with him

I posted on another thread recently about the bad behaviour of many lovely family men when abroad/when they think no-one's watching- sorry that this has happened to you in real life. I don't know what you should do, I would wait to see how you feel yourself. I would feel disgusted, does your husband have daughters?

I'm sorry to hear all this op this must be very stressful for you.

The glaring reality is though is that he has asked you to be complicit in his lies, and therefore has gagged you. Your now living in your head forced to come to come here to seek comfort and advice.

I would t be keeping anything secret if he and his mate are that bloody stupid then they deserve everything coming their way. You need support and so you go and get it oh and defiantly tell his parents, if he was really an innocent in all this then they will support him through it.

Don't let yourself be hog tied by his lies and stupidity, get real life help and advice your gonna need it lovely

I think you know yourself he is full of shit and minimising.

I don't believe any of it without him and his mate being at the police station and reporting it.

He spent 3 grand on sex workers and made up a story. Whether he was coerced or not is irrelevant.

Wow, that's some victim-blaming and shaming you've got going on there.

Your DH has been attacked in a foreign country and you've made it all about you. Well done.

Talk to who you like. There is no need to mention his friend at all - their issues are not your business, but there is nothing at all to prevent you seeking support from whoever you want or need to at this time. Pity that he doesn't want the real him to be exposed to your friends or family, but he made the choices, and how they are viewed by others is not your problem.

Can you even go to a cash machine and withdraw that much?
Sorry it sounds incredibly fishy to me

I wouldn't believe that he was mugged, he hung around sex workers and 3 grand and a few hours went missing? I wouldn't let him home tbh but I know it's not that easy.

You only know about this time because he got caught.
How many times previously?
This cannot work. You and your children deserve better.

His friend has gone to the police - we had to fly home. The story 'fits' with a lot that is reported to the British consulate, but I agree this doesn't mean their version is true. The consulate is providing a translator so they can make a statement.

I kept saying to him lie, deny, minimise (I've been here a while) and I know that this is exactly what he 'could' be doing. I want to hope he's not (I love him), but as I said to him someone is making the sex industry the biggest industry in the world, including 'nice' men like him.

Thank you to those giving tea, I feel like I need it.

And to those with hard words, I'd be saying the same.

He was definitely drugged. He was hyperventilating and his hard was racing. His eyes were rolling in his head and he was in such a mess even 12 hours later. Not of course does that excuse anything.

Jesus what a mess.

I don't believe for a second they were drugged. But being forced to buy drinks in a hostess bar sounds plausible. Not 3k's worth though...

Sorry x post. He could have taken the drugs himself. Why would they be drugged by someone else?

I agree with pp there's 'been drugged' and 'taken drugs' - two very different things and given the restive the story and the sums involved I'd say the latter. Sorry

I can't seem to read the thread! Ahh!
I'm not ignoring.

I can read the perhaps he took drugs himself in the preview panel. So in response, he really doesn't do drugs - I know I didn't think he 'did' prostitutes, but he's never really dabbled and drugs are harder to hide. I asked him what he'd taken before the details all came out and he said 'nothing'. I'm more inclined to believe that.

Ok so leaving aside exactly how bad this could be - what do you want to happen next? He has at a minimum done something he knows you strongly disagree with. He now wants you to help cover that up from his family.

What do you want to happen next?

I don't know about the rest of the world, but certainly when I've been around red light areas in Europe such behaviour would be frowned on. The punters are looked after, and may be fleeced for money, but certainly not drugged or beaten up. It would cause too much damage to the sex-tourism industry, so they local pimps, prostitutes, bar owners, etc. are looking after their own. Sad but true.

I wouldn't believe him at all, and even if you choose to, wtf is he doing in such a place anyway? Curious?? Yeah, right!

Please don't believe he didn't take the drugs voluntarily. He is going down the "they made me do it" road because it's the last bit of the whole story he can try and lie his sorry ass out of.

You know deep down he probably did. All part of his sleazy, repulsive idea of having a good time while on his holidays.

You poor woman.

There's only one victim here, and that's you.

I wouldn't be keeping his dirty little secrets for him.

If he thinks it's okay to visit these places, he should be able to deal with the consequences of that choice.

By asking you not to tell, they are asking you to get through this without your own support network. It's incredibly selfish.

He's not the man you thought he was in a similar way to if you'd foubd out he'd had an affair. What a nasty shock. The point is, can you live with someone who's lied to you for a long time? How will you ever be able to believe a word he says again.

"He spent 3 grand on sex workers and then made up a story"

Laurie has it.