DH drugged and mugged in a red light district abroad

[youfuckingidot]

The title says it all really.

He and a friend were out for a late night drink and went to see the 'sights' (lovely). They were 'curious' apparently and were taken to a bar by a tout, when they left they were taken to another bar which had 3 girls in that they sat with on a sofa. DH has admitted he had his arms around them. Apparently they can't remember very much and it seems they were drugged (my DH was in such a state that I've no doubt it wasn't just booze he'd had) in order for this little lot to be very sketchy on detail:

They had negotiated a fixed charge to go in the bar for a drink. The problem started when a bottle of cava came to the table and his friend objected saying they'd not ordered it. He was shouting and then the blokes in there jumped over the bar and started to beat them up (the friend took a hell of a battering, my DH less so). They were taken by force to a cash till and made to handover large sums in cash (£3k in total).

Apparently this is a very common situation for British blokes to get into in this country.

I have a few issues, but I'll limit my list to the following:

1. Before it became clear what had happened DH said they were in a sports bar and mugged in the street. DH lies.

2. Hostesses are pressured into extras for a lot of clients. DH has no respect for women as no one wants to work in such a situation. He is happy to be part of the abuse of women.

3. DH admitted he has visited lap dancing bars before on lads holidays (twice) and on stag dos. See point 2.

4. If he'd not been beaten up I'd never know about his secret life. He is clearly willing to lie to me.

5. I pushed him to tell me everything like this that he's ever done, but I can't trust his word so frankly he could be talking rubbish.

6. The timeline doesn't add up, there are a couple of missing hours. Were they passed out or were they getting extras?

7. The friend and his DW have asked me not to say anything. Out of respect to my friend (DW) I have agreed. I wanted to tell my PIL, because frankly I feel mean and want revenge, but DH begged me not to as they would feel very like I do. His father is certainly not a 'one of the lads' type of man. I feel I can't speak to anyone - hence being on here.

8. I work in a very male industry and see this kind of behaviour too often (a lot more than people imagine). My DH KNOWS how I feel about it, how I view the men involved.

I have 2 DC and thought I had a nice, respectful, fairly straight-laced husband. I feel like I'm in a daze. How do I get beyond this? I can't comprehend LTB because of the DC, but feel like he's ruined everything.

I think he was shocked when I said I'd rather he'd had an affair because at least the woman involved would have been there by choice, although I'm not sure it would be any better in reality.

I've asked him to go for an STD check as frankly I don't know what's actually gone on.

I can't bear to look at him. I can't trust him. I can't even slag him off (childish I know). What do I do?

Sorry OP, took me forever to write my previous post and didn't realise you had already checked in! Good luck, as others have said, be kind to yourself.

Irrelevant, but when I lived in sg, I regularly went out in the red light district, many great memories from orchard towers.

I've never paid for sex or a lap dance or contributed to the sex industry in any way that I know of.

It was just a cracking night out

Slithy

That's why I asked if Singapore as think it is unlikely to happen here

Good decision, op. This shouldn't be a marriage breaker. Sounds like he made a very stupid mistake. What a horrible thing for you to go through.

abit yes I agree. I haven't totally settled this with myself (how could I in such a short time). I suppose he's shown me more of himself, good and bad, over these last few days and the situation and my understanding of it has evolved. In that way, it could turn negative, it could get better, who knows. For once I'm trying to not control everything and I'm seeing where things take me/us.

Thanks for all your good wishes, it genuinely means a lot

It's early days, just give yourself time.....and see what he does. I'm hoping that he takes a long hard look at himself and considers the position he has put you all in x

Hope it all works out OP. I read this thread yesterday and, to be honest, my first reaction was to say LTB as I hate the punters of the sex industry, but as I read on I started to change my mind and remember a foolish youth where I visited a few dubious places as a tourist to make a sociological study.
So I'm glad you have decided to give him the benefit of the doubt.

Will you continue to keep this a secret for him?

Good luck OP.

Good luck OP