DH drugged and mugged in a red light district abroad

[youfuckingidot]

The title says it all really.

He and a friend were out for a late night drink and went to see the 'sights' (lovely). They were 'curious' apparently and were taken to a bar by a tout, when they left they were taken to another bar which had 3 girls in that they sat with on a sofa. DH has admitted he had his arms around them. Apparently they can't remember very much and it seems they were drugged (my DH was in such a state that I've no doubt it wasn't just booze he'd had) in order for this little lot to be very sketchy on detail:

They had negotiated a fixed charge to go in the bar for a drink. The problem started when a bottle of cava came to the table and his friend objected saying they'd not ordered it. He was shouting and then the blokes in there jumped over the bar and started to beat them up (the friend took a hell of a battering, my DH less so). They were taken by force to a cash till and made to handover large sums in cash (£3k in total).

Apparently this is a very common situation for British blokes to get into in this country.

I have a few issues, but I'll limit my list to the following:

1. Before it became clear what had happened DH said they were in a sports bar and mugged in the street. DH lies.

2. Hostesses are pressured into extras for a lot of clients. DH has no respect for women as no one wants to work in such a situation. He is happy to be part of the abuse of women.

3. DH admitted he has visited lap dancing bars before on lads holidays (twice) and on stag dos. See point 2.

4. If he'd not been beaten up I'd never know about his secret life. He is clearly willing to lie to me.

5. I pushed him to tell me everything like this that he's ever done, but I can't trust his word so frankly he could be talking rubbish.

6. The timeline doesn't add up, there are a couple of missing hours. Were they passed out or were they getting extras?

7. The friend and his DW have asked me not to say anything. Out of respect to my friend (DW) I have agreed. I wanted to tell my PIL, because frankly I feel mean and want revenge, but DH begged me not to as they would feel very like I do. His father is certainly not a 'one of the lads' type of man. I feel I can't speak to anyone - hence being on here.

8. I work in a very male industry and see this kind of behaviour too often (a lot more than people imagine). My DH KNOWS how I feel about it, how I view the men involved.

I have 2 DC and thought I had a nice, respectful, fairly straight-laced husband. I feel like I'm in a daze. How do I get beyond this? I can't comprehend LTB because of the DC, but feel like he's ruined everything.

I think he was shocked when I said I'd rather he'd had an affair because at least the woman involved would have been there by choice, although I'm not sure it would be any better in reality.

I've asked him to go for an STD check as frankly I don't know what's actually gone on.

I can't bear to look at him. I can't trust him. I can't even slag him off (childish I know). What do I do?

TheBlackRider, Actually yes. I obviously cant see the transactions on his card but there are much better stories if he was so minded, I can think of half a dozen better lies than the ones he told. I think he's a terrible liar, If he was better at it he would have come up with something more plausable. As it stands I think he tried realised he is making no sense/got caught easily and came clean.

Are you still in the country op?

I may have the odd moan about my DP and he's not perfect. BUT if he came to me with this story my first shock would not even be the lying – it would be that he was the type of person to want to go and gawp at a red-light district, to be "curious" enough to end up in a bar with paid entry with his arm around some girls. Like that's OK???

All that stuff is sleazy, gross, horrible and just not the person I would want to be with. I mean everyone is different and I understand some may be fine with it, but you don't sound like you are OP. Your first post with its list of points shows you have a very clear view on this kind of thing and have no truck with it at all.

So why is it OK to some degree, why have you put up with it in the past? It sounds a bit as if he's managed to persuade you that it's normal, that you shouldn't make a fuss, that it's something "lads do" and you have to put up with it. You don't, it is not something all men do, and my personal view is showing men like this that it won't be tolerated is something we should do, for the good of society and women in general. I realise that's a quite hardline feminist view – but if it's your view OP, stand by it.

Our kids weren't with us, our friends kids live there.

Right, I better do a bit of work or I'll mess that up too.

Thank you all so much for your support, I'm such a talker in real life and it's killing me to say 'yes it was a great holiday'. It certainly was a trip of a lifetime

He didn't tell me about the other times, only when I forced a confession.

Which yes, makes it worse, yep he's a liar.

Right, I really must do some work, I could well need this job even more now.

To be honest, similar happened to me in Thailand (i know this isn't where you wers)and it was a lot like your dh has explained.

There were 4 of us and we were invited to a bar. But in there they shut the doors, brought drinks to the table...argh...we went to leave and they wouldn't let us. The bar men attacked the two guys in our group and thumped the other woman, too. They wantd £300 from us.

One of the guys in our group forced the door open and we reported to a nearby police station. Very, very common apparently.

£3k is a hell of a lot but I am inclined to believe your husband. I guess though that if you do not trust your dh and suspect he cheats etc that casts a different light on it.

How did he get caught??

Why would he make up such a story if not true?

He could have said they got really drunk or took drugs and spent a shed load of money and got in a fight how would you be any the wiser??

So I do believe the story is in part true if not all true

HOWEVER
Regardless of that the issue to me is that he was hanging about in a brothel , had his arms around a prostitue and either has had sex or had the intention to have sex with her.

He wasn't in a brothel.

I'm not saying he's not a liar, just not a very good one.

Your friend brought him there, I don't think he went out looking for it. Also from his amateur approach I don't suppose hes familiar with more seedy environments at all.

amateur that made me smile. Hopefully that's exactly what he is.

.. work not going so well, seems my concentration was also sacrificed that night!

sugarman thanks for letting me know. I did trust him, but I feel like it was misplaced.

If they'd shown friends the district before where women and girls are exploited, why did they have go and 'see' it again?

The answer is, because they wanted to. They wanted to experience it.

Oh and sorry, OP. Must be awful.

I just wanted to say that these red light district bar scams happen in Soho, London too. It's not just abroad, and they are AFAIK fairly common knowledge.

I know a young man who came to London and fell for it hook line and sinker - he was freshly arrived in London (first week here), taking a walk around Soho. He was enticed into a bar by bouncers and had the unwanted drinks forced upon him and then was marched to the nearest cash point to withdraw the maximum amount to pay his 'bill'. Big difference was I don't even think there was a woman involved, just the promise of strippers, and he was 18 and from the sticks and green as grass.

OP I'm sorry you are going through this - you sound like a strong intelligent person & I really hope you can do more detective work and get to the bottom of this.

This happened to my college tutor 20 years ago on a college trip to Holland (and Amsterdam).

It doesn't sound like you trust your dh anyway, but it believe this situation is possible.

Agreed, I met up with people it had happened to in Thailand, who had no reason whatsoever to lie to me...

I don't believe that a relationship can be built on a foundation of secrets and lies. And therefore I don't think you should keep his secrets.

You say you want to make it work. Fair enough, it's your choice. But I don't think you'll be able to stay with him if you're also:

• bursting with the fact that you are keeping his secrets for him; and
• holding back because you don't know how far you can trust him, because of his own lies.

I think if your relationship is to stand a chance, you both have to be open and easy with the truth. This means you get to speak to whoever you need to speak to, in order to get some release, and he has to fess up and to continue to be open and honest with you, going forward.

This happened to a friend of mine in Budapest last year, he was in a strip club, got beaten up and marched to a cash point with two of his friends where they all had to take out the max available on all of their cards. These were professional blokes in their 50's. Foolish idiots.

Even if his story was true, the fact he went to a red light district, whilst on holiday with his wife, initially lied about it, later confessed to sitting with his arms all over the 'hostesses' then confessed to previously visiting strip clubs/brothels/hostess bars - whatever you want to call it. Surely that is the issue to and would rock the foundations of my marriage.

Had he not got done over, OP would be oblivious to what happened it the red light district.

He is a liar
He has spent THEIR money on sleazeball activities, of which he is AWARE his wife detests.
He thinks women are there for his titillation (and whatever else)
He has been disrespectful to his wife and marriage

Brothel / bar were you can pay for prostitues

Let's not split hairs here!

It is also possible that the OP's H knew about these scams (they are fairly common knowledge) and somehow factored that into his web of lies after his planned visit to prostitutes went wrong.

Ok so it wasn't a brothel, but it was in the red light district. Going to have a good gawp at some prostitutes, sit in a bar with his arms around some "hostesses'"? Doesn't sit well with me.

Yes "it wasn't a brothel" is the thinnest of thin ice here really.

OP I worked in a very male dominated high earning (and again supposedly educated) environment where the general attitude when travelling was that this sort of nasty place was a lark. Often talked about in hushed tones as I was retiring for the night.

Must be an awful shock. Knowing the people I worked with I can believe someone being talked in to going for a look, going to a bar and getting into to awful situation that your DH found himself in.

Not saying I could definitely forgive but I can see how it could happen. Just the lap dancing would be a potential deal breaker for me though tbh.