DH drugged and mugged in a red light district abroad

[youfuckingidot]

The title says it all really.

He and a friend were out for a late night drink and went to see the 'sights' (lovely). They were 'curious' apparently and were taken to a bar by a tout, when they left they were taken to another bar which had 3 girls in that they sat with on a sofa. DH has admitted he had his arms around them. Apparently they can't remember very much and it seems they were drugged (my DH was in such a state that I've no doubt it wasn't just booze he'd had) in order for this little lot to be very sketchy on detail:

They had negotiated a fixed charge to go in the bar for a drink. The problem started when a bottle of cava came to the table and his friend objected saying they'd not ordered it. He was shouting and then the blokes in there jumped over the bar and started to beat them up (the friend took a hell of a battering, my DH less so). They were taken by force to a cash till and made to handover large sums in cash (£3k in total).

Apparently this is a very common situation for British blokes to get into in this country.

I have a few issues, but I'll limit my list to the following:

1. Before it became clear what had happened DH said they were in a sports bar and mugged in the street. DH lies.

2. Hostesses are pressured into extras for a lot of clients. DH has no respect for women as no one wants to work in such a situation. He is happy to be part of the abuse of women.

3. DH admitted he has visited lap dancing bars before on lads holidays (twice) and on stag dos. See point 2.

4. If he'd not been beaten up I'd never know about his secret life. He is clearly willing to lie to me.

5. I pushed him to tell me everything like this that he's ever done, but I can't trust his word so frankly he could be talking rubbish.

6. The timeline doesn't add up, there are a couple of missing hours. Were they passed out or were they getting extras?

7. The friend and his DW have asked me not to say anything. Out of respect to my friend (DW) I have agreed. I wanted to tell my PIL, because frankly I feel mean and want revenge, but DH begged me not to as they would feel very like I do. His father is certainly not a 'one of the lads' type of man. I feel I can't speak to anyone - hence being on here.

8. I work in a very male industry and see this kind of behaviour too often (a lot more than people imagine). My DH KNOWS how I feel about it, how I view the men involved.

I have 2 DC and thought I had a nice, respectful, fairly straight-laced husband. I feel like I'm in a daze. How do I get beyond this? I can't comprehend LTB because of the DC, but feel like he's ruined everything.

I think he was shocked when I said I'd rather he'd had an affair because at least the woman involved would have been there by choice, although I'm not sure it would be any better in reality.

I've asked him to go for an STD check as frankly I don't know what's actually gone on.

I can't bear to look at him. I can't trust him. I can't even slag him off (childish I know). What do I do?

Ok apologies for the word 'ranting'

However you are the one who is talking about poverty - we don't know where they are. You are talking about race- we don't know what race they are. You are talking about prostitution- we don't know that either!!

No one believes it happened to him only because he was white (if he's white) he played with fire and got burnt.

I think that the advice on this thread stopped being about helping the OP some time ago and I hope that she has done as some of the previous posters said and turned off mumsnet, choosing to take her time to reflect and make her own mind up.

My friend's daughter worked in a club and the waitresses were trained to bring the very expensive bottles of champagne out to the customers who were a bit drunk already. They got bonuses for it.

They had bottles of fizz for £1,000 a go, and of course, the men are too drunk to hear what the waitress says and the bouncers won't let them out of the door until they pay for what they drank...so it is a legal form of extortion from drunks/fornicators.

Hi All, I felt I had to move back from this all and give myself a bit of space to think (and talk). I felt the thread had taken on a life of its own, no doubt partly due to my silence and not always wanting debate the inaccuracies and if I'm honest the massive stories and events that some have concocted.
However, I am not a fool and I like to think I have interrogation tecniques that the KGB (in their day) would have been pleased with. I know a lot now and not any of it pleasant. The fact I don't like any of it makes me start to believe the truth is coming out (lots of other wronged wives it seems).
A few have asked is my husband sorry? Yes I believe he is and sorry beyond the 'shit I've been caught'.

Has he had a good look at himself? Yes, and found himself lacking.

A few facts (yes facts not their word) have come to light, which help their case THIS time - not previous times though I admit. That I'm still working on.

The police report was filed, the bank statements checked and verified. Both seem to back them up, THIS time.

Does my husband hate women? Well I have one of the most equal marriages (so I thought), I'm supported in what I do socially and in my work. He is the modern man. I hope he doesn't hate women, but he certainly needs to recalibrate his life and attitude.

So, there it is, I, a 'LTB' supporter that I am, I'm going to give it a shot.
I don't know if it will work (I swing constantly between my various views and feelings), but I feel that the other things I see from him, his contrition, his willingness and desire to make amends have swung it. More fool me, possibly.

I'm sure some will think me a fool and sure, that may well be what is demonstrated by future events, but I can change my mind, I can leave when I want and I think I'd like to roll the dice just this once.

Thank you all for your views, those that are hard and challenging, I need to keep reality in view, but also thanks to the moderate voices as without you I'd just feel stupid rather than human.

Lap dancers aren't prostitutes.

Being in a bar where extras are sold doesn't mean he uses prostitutes anymore than being at a party where drugs are being sold means you use drugs.

2pm we were not in a poor country, i never not one said poor!

Sorry x post.

Hope you emerge strong from this op.

Poor you, youf. I'm sorry you've had such a massive, nasty shock. I empathise.

I can't tell you what to do - except to get some head space for yourself; make him go and stay somewhere else for a week or so, and talk to as many people in RL as you can trust.

I've had two marriages with sex-trade-using men. I, like them, worked in an industry where men were always cheating on their partners - with or without payment - and at least 90% of them used paid services while on conference, business entertainment and at parties. While I disliked it all, I had an underlying & unacknowledged feeling that most men in fact do this. A bit like knowing how many rats live under the city, but never really thinking about it. Consequently, my own views about the sex trade were very woolly - of necessity, as I was unconsciously choosing ignorance.

While there were no reveals as dramatic as yours, the clues were large and clear. What I've realised - later - is that each clue at home, each conference at work, each jolly boys' story, forced me into an increasing state of tension as I tried not to understand that my relationships were pretences built on a bed of unsaid things and hidden motives. I became cynical and superficial. It was the only way to manage - except that, for me, the tension burst out from time to time in unpleasant rages.

I regret it all. I wish I'd then had the crystal clear boundaries I have now. I wish I hadn't felt you "have to put up with" intolerable things for the sake of a nice-looking life. I wish I had known myself well enough to stick up for what I want: that all the men in my life respect women as fully sentient human beings. I wish, basically, I'd had enough respect for myself.

Yours is a personal choice and, from your posts, you're not that much like me. My only advice to examine who you really are and what you really want - in order to do it, you'll need your husband out of your sight & hearing for a while. Good luck.

Ah :) xposted!

Youf I said poorer.

I also have never said you said poor. I said that replies implied your husband participated in sex trade because the country is poorer

Best of luck OP, very sincerely, I hope you work things out. You come across as a very nice, strong and independent woman. Whatever your final decision you will be more than absolutely fine .

Good for you op, I hope things get better

OP, I think the most important thing you've said here, is "I can change my mind".
Good luck, and don't forget that

Good for you OP the thread seemed to turn a bit crazy and I think you've handled the whole thing brilliantly.

Best of luck, op.

It's not clear to me which country the OP's DH was in, or what race he was, or what race the "girls" were.

In the context of the OP's story, I don't think it is necessarily relevant. The facts we do have are that DH and friend willingly went into a red light district. Why do people go into red light districts? Then a tout enticed them into a particular bar. What did the tout say to them? Once there, women cuddled them on couches. Why? Finally DH and friend were assaulted and forced to hand over large sums of money.

Now in mad capped buddy movies, this all hilariously happens to our naive and hapless hereo, who some how comes good in the end.

In real life the OP's husband made a lot of clear decisions along the way to get to the point that he was drugged and robbed. None of them clever and none of them moral.

Life is complicated. The OP may desperately love her husband, she may be dependant upon him financially, she may be worried about their children. It's obviously not simple to LTB. And it may not be right for her to leave him. And I agree with the advice to stay calm, take her time and to think things through coolly. But, I think it would be delusional for the OP to think her DH is an innocent victim here. He is a flawed individual who she may still love or not.

Sincerely wishing you good luck and to finding some peace amongst all this. As is often said on MN - be kind to yourself

In fairness OP you have done a bit of a U turn about him. In your OP you said

"DH has no respect for women ...he is happy to be part of the abuse of women."

and this has changed bit in your last post

I appreciate that you are trying to square a very circly circle but don't fall into minimising what he has done.

Anyway, like AF I wish you good luck. I hope it works out for you whatever you decide to do

To me it sounds like he paid for some services and is trying to cover his tracks with regards to the money .

To be fair, bishbo, the local police in cities where this is a frequent hazard don't tend to be easily fooled - I know, I've seen enough fools try it! Plus, the other chap was injured according to OP.

Good luck op I hope it works out for you. At the end of the day you know your husband and are aware and have seen things we haven't.

You have nothing to lose by moving forwards with your relationship.