DH drugged and mugged in a red light district abroad

[youfuckingidot]

The title says it all really.

He and a friend were out for a late night drink and went to see the 'sights' (lovely). They were 'curious' apparently and were taken to a bar by a tout, when they left they were taken to another bar which had 3 girls in that they sat with on a sofa. DH has admitted he had his arms around them. Apparently they can't remember very much and it seems they were drugged (my DH was in such a state that I've no doubt it wasn't just booze he'd had) in order for this little lot to be very sketchy on detail:

They had negotiated a fixed charge to go in the bar for a drink. The problem started when a bottle of cava came to the table and his friend objected saying they'd not ordered it. He was shouting and then the blokes in there jumped over the bar and started to beat them up (the friend took a hell of a battering, my DH less so). They were taken by force to a cash till and made to handover large sums in cash (£3k in total).

Apparently this is a very common situation for British blokes to get into in this country.

I have a few issues, but I'll limit my list to the following:

1. Before it became clear what had happened DH said they were in a sports bar and mugged in the street. DH lies.

2. Hostesses are pressured into extras for a lot of clients. DH has no respect for women as no one wants to work in such a situation. He is happy to be part of the abuse of women.

3. DH admitted he has visited lap dancing bars before on lads holidays (twice) and on stag dos. See point 2.

4. If he'd not been beaten up I'd never know about his secret life. He is clearly willing to lie to me.

5. I pushed him to tell me everything like this that he's ever done, but I can't trust his word so frankly he could be talking rubbish.

6. The timeline doesn't add up, there are a couple of missing hours. Were they passed out or were they getting extras?

7. The friend and his DW have asked me not to say anything. Out of respect to my friend (DW) I have agreed. I wanted to tell my PIL, because frankly I feel mean and want revenge, but DH begged me not to as they would feel very like I do. His father is certainly not a 'one of the lads' type of man. I feel I can't speak to anyone - hence being on here.

8. I work in a very male industry and see this kind of behaviour too often (a lot more than people imagine). My DH KNOWS how I feel about it, how I view the men involved.

I have 2 DC and thought I had a nice, respectful, fairly straight-laced husband. I feel like I'm in a daze. How do I get beyond this? I can't comprehend LTB because of the DC, but feel like he's ruined everything.

I think he was shocked when I said I'd rather he'd had an affair because at least the woman involved would have been there by choice, although I'm not sure it would be any better in reality.

I've asked him to go for an STD check as frankly I don't know what's actually gone on.

I can't bear to look at him. I can't trust him. I can't even slag him off (childish I know). What do I do?

It's a pretty common thing. I've seen hostess bars in Bali and Thailand. The girls dress like they work at hooters, and get paid by the bar to attract clients. Also tips for getting drinks.

I'm sure there is prostitution behind the scenes, but I'm a middle aged lady and I've drank a beer in places with hostesses. Many of them are just bars on the Main Street.

Your husband may not have been seeking sex at all. Scams are rife.
It's up to you though, I think your gut will tell you if he's lying.

It all sounds hellish and I don't I could get over it. However it could be that your dh and 'friend' (what part did HE play in this fiasco?) got drunk and then got carried away. He's a bit of an idiot and sounds totally naive. The only opinion he cares about is that of his parents. Reading between the lines, you say you love him and don't want to disrupt the family. What does he want? Does he love you and the family enough to make a clean breast of the whole thing and move forward or is going to continue denying? Have you had any indications that he has been unfaithful with other women here?

I'm so sorry op I really am.
For me, the marriage would be over. Brothels, lying, large amounts of money missing, total disrespect for women. I would be done. And down to the doctors for an sti check. However, it's YOUR life. You need to do what is right for you and the children. Good luck op.

I would be inclined to believe my Husband in this instance and advise him to report this to the police and consulate. However before believing him I would be checking the bank account in question, if this wasn't a cash machine withdrawl but a debit transaction I wouldn't beleive him, its simply paying for a service.

Depending on country in question then if was a cash machine then the police can get cctv of the cash being withdrawn. If this is Thailand then you don't stand a chance of getting police remotely interested as this happens a lot also if it is Thailand I would be questioning the motive for choosing the location and would probably be considering kicking hoim out.

How much of the 3k was from his account and what is he doing to recover this? Has he and friend taken photograghs of their injuries or sought medical help? (I would advise them to get a medical report).

Lots of travel guides world over warn of such incidents, the friend shouting over the bottle of Cava/Champagne sounds plausable. When I was in Thailand me and a friend got a cab to a market, we were told it was closed, we knew that it wasn't and the driver took us to a sex club, I called the police from the guys cab and he took us straight to the market. They will try it with anyone, even two white women. The country is a disgrace.

All that said I would be furious that my partner had put himself in that postion and would drag him to couples counselling before even considering a future with him. There are so many "what the fuck were you thinking" moments in this story but for now I would be getting him to report this, get medical help, call his insurance helpline and try to recover the money.

FWIW I have a friend who has worked in foreign lap dancing clubs (Europe) who has never been paid for sex, oral or otherwise......

Sorry cross posted lots!

I also have been aware of this happenign in London, the police have even put a sign up on a bar next to Rupert Street, Soho.

Allwayslookingforanswers
if this wasn't a cash machine withdrawl but a debit transaction I wouldn't beleive him, its simply paying for a service

I can't give too many details on this but people can and have been forced to make payment on their debit/credit cards after signing an "agreement".

OP, I am sorry that this happened to you and that you cannot be honest about how your holiday was.

But no matter what your DH was williingly doing, he is still the victim of a crime. He and his friend didn't ask to be beaten up and left covered in blood, and they didn't voluntarily pay all of that money. No matter what he was doing, he didn't deserve that outcome.

Of course, he feels ashamed to admit to being a victim because he was doing something that he knows is wrong at the time, rather than "just crossing the street".

It is most unfair to you that he is asking you to help him cover his tracks by hiding it from his parents and not telling others the truth about what happened.

marriage over for me, sorry

Don't you think they went to a seedy bar, when they tried to leave, they were forced to make a huge cash payment, which they refused, so they were beaten up?

How long between you leaving them and him returning home?

It's possible he didn't have sex? Like others have said once they get you into the bar you are forced to hand cash over..........

I would be appalled if my dh thought leching over prostitutes was okay.

Me too BlackRider and clearly the OP's DH also knew it was not ok which is why he lied about it.

Whichever way you look at this, no matter what the real story is, it is a sorry mess from which I could see no way back.

Ok i have been in a bar like this and been pressurised to pay (and ran). I have also been in a position where a group of us were effectively drugged and some of us lost a lot of money (through debit card transactions) so it does ring true for me
I don't understand who you are planning to lie to- I can't imagine telling my parents or parents in law about these situations anyway?
Just to be opem I am female and the first situation was actaully with my DP- the second with a group of ftriends

If he hasn't been to the police then I'd be worried as anybody in that situation for that amount of money would

Like rolling daytime news we have a lot of speculation here, based on limited information. As is often the case, posters assume the worst about the OP's DH: he went out with the intention of having sex with a prostitute, did so, and along the way probably bought and consumed illegal drugs.

That may have happened - or it may not.

Most likely he and his friend, having had a few drinks, went into a hostess bar/striptease club, were lured into ordering drinks at inflated prices, refused to pay, got roughed up and were forced to pay.

For me this all comes down to intent.

Did the OP's DH go out looking for sex (if so LTB - no questions asked).

Or was he naive, as we al can be when tipsy, and made unwise decisions, unaware of the consequences.

As many posters have said, these scams are commonplace and well-documented, with the girls and their predatory minders actively looking for punters to scam.

I don't imagine for a minute the OP's DH had sex with a girl - or even kissed one. Maybe he did put his arm round one, which as a married man he shouldn't have done.

Yes, OP, he was a 'fucking idiot' - but he's probably not a bad man.

whats the question really?
do you tell his parents- no he's a grown up and not answerable to his parents

what do you to him?
i have been in too many expat situations where this kind of bar was normal to be bothered by it unduly- that said i can't see DP lying me to about it as I wouldn't be fussed - is it the lying that bothers you or the girlie bar?

You criticise posters speculating ToYouToMe and then you write:

I don't imagine for a minute the OP's DH had sex with a girl - or even kissed one

Others shouldn't speculate but you can make up whatever version you fancy?

Stories like this make me dread dp's stag.
I couldn't forgive him.

TheBlackRider I did clarify the zoo comment and was not comparing. But hey don't let the truth get in the way of your point.

fragile I'm not sure what the question is other than 'what do I do'. It seems weird to ask that on an internet site I have to admit.

Telling his parents isn't so they put him on the naughty step, it's being mean as they will not like it. So grown up of me I know. I feel I can tell them and hurt him and not have everyone gossiping about me and my saddo husband.

It's the lying really that hurts, but also the sordid nature of it all.

I've made him tell me 'everything', well anything he's willing to share (lie deny minimise of course) and he's admitted that on a couple of stag do's he's paid for 'dances', once with one friend and once on his own.

I think I sort of accepted (by not blasting him with questions) that culturally rightly or wrongly it appears acceptable to go to such bars on stag do's, but the fact he's actually engaged beyond the 'just tagging along' makes me feel awful. And of course now he's gone and there's no 'stag do' to make his excuses.

It makes me feel like he's a fucking sex pest, which I suppose he is to those women.

He's said he didn't really think of it as the sex industry (!) as no one was actually having sex (I do realise that sounds stupid), but the dances were more about a bit of titillation.

Clearly having been caught he's devastated.

The bank will refund the money. They accept there was a crime as it's been reported.

Do you know what BlackRider before now I'd have said he is decent and honest. He's a great husband and actually I married him because he's my friend and we get on so well. He seems so straight-laced and sensible, yes he likes a beer and sometimes too many, but he's not a bad person.

I'd like to think he's got his values misplaced and really he's still a good man. I just struggle with it, am I just putting on rose tinted specs?

He's begging for his life right now, but well he would wouldn't he. We had a great marriage and a great family life (but don't we all say that).

I think if I asked him to move out he would, right now he'll do anything if he thinks I'll stay.

I don't want to hate myself for staying. I wonder if I'm just staying as my life would be very different if we split up and I'm scared. I couldn't bear him to be with someone else (which would happen eventually, or shockingly soon possibly), which seems mental, I don't want him but I certainly don't want anyone else to be with him. I'd feel gutted and jealous as I do still love him.

Sorry rather a brain dump, but I feel like I'm going in circles.

I think I need some marriage counselling even if that leads to a split.