DH drugged and mugged in a red light district abroad

[youfuckingidot]

The title says it all really.

He and a friend were out for a late night drink and went to see the 'sights' (lovely). They were 'curious' apparently and were taken to a bar by a tout, when they left they were taken to another bar which had 3 girls in that they sat with on a sofa. DH has admitted he had his arms around them. Apparently they can't remember very much and it seems they were drugged (my DH was in such a state that I've no doubt it wasn't just booze he'd had) in order for this little lot to be very sketchy on detail:

They had negotiated a fixed charge to go in the bar for a drink. The problem started when a bottle of cava came to the table and his friend objected saying they'd not ordered it. He was shouting and then the blokes in there jumped over the bar and started to beat them up (the friend took a hell of a battering, my DH less so). They were taken by force to a cash till and made to handover large sums in cash (£3k in total).

Apparently this is a very common situation for British blokes to get into in this country.

I have a few issues, but I'll limit my list to the following:

1. Before it became clear what had happened DH said they were in a sports bar and mugged in the street. DH lies.

2. Hostesses are pressured into extras for a lot of clients. DH has no respect for women as no one wants to work in such a situation. He is happy to be part of the abuse of women.

3. DH admitted he has visited lap dancing bars before on lads holidays (twice) and on stag dos. See point 2.

4. If he'd not been beaten up I'd never know about his secret life. He is clearly willing to lie to me.

5. I pushed him to tell me everything like this that he's ever done, but I can't trust his word so frankly he could be talking rubbish.

6. The timeline doesn't add up, there are a couple of missing hours. Were they passed out or were they getting extras?

7. The friend and his DW have asked me not to say anything. Out of respect to my friend (DW) I have agreed. I wanted to tell my PIL, because frankly I feel mean and want revenge, but DH begged me not to as they would feel very like I do. His father is certainly not a 'one of the lads' type of man. I feel I can't speak to anyone - hence being on here.

8. I work in a very male industry and see this kind of behaviour too often (a lot more than people imagine). My DH KNOWS how I feel about it, how I view the men involved.

I have 2 DC and thought I had a nice, respectful, fairly straight-laced husband. I feel like I'm in a daze. How do I get beyond this? I can't comprehend LTB because of the DC, but feel like he's ruined everything.

I think he was shocked when I said I'd rather he'd had an affair because at least the woman involved would have been there by choice, although I'm not sure it would be any better in reality.

I've asked him to go for an STD check as frankly I don't know what's actually gone on.

I can't bear to look at him. I can't trust him. I can't even slag him off (childish I know). What do I do?

Quite apart from anything else, how can you get 3K out of a cash machine??? Mine has a daily limit of £300, I think.

God what a mess, tbh it doesn't really matter what his "story" is, he has lied and is continuing to lie. You say he knows what you think about lap dancing clubs etc and the men who visit them, he has visited one, so I would presume he doesn't care about what you feel.

It would be the end of our marriage if this were my H.

How could he be forced to hand over thousands - my cashpoint won't let me take out more than £300 in a day.

I think the key here is point 1) - he lied to start with. He's a liar and has something he wants to keep from you. Therefore of course you can't trust all the subsequent explanations and also they are all of the extremely dubious "it wasn't me miss, they made me do it" variety.

It's much like when people start threads on here about suspecting an affair, the man denies it, then it was just that she flirted with him, then it was just a kiss they didn't sleep together, then it was only the one time and now she's a bunny boiler blah blah blah. The man has been indulging in appalling behaviour, so he tries to spin it so that he's the victim.

If I were you OP, I'd have all the same concerns as you and it would probably be a dealbreaker.

£3k from a cash machine?? Is that even possible? I wouldn't believe most of what he said. Really sorry OP. My DH and I have a DC, but if this was me, he would be out on his arse. Even finding out he had the attitude that women are pieces of meat would be enough for me. More so as we have a DD. I sound very harsh, but I would be devastated if this happened to me. I don't know how we would come back from it tbh. OP, I can't imagine how you are feeling

"I can't comprehend LTB because of the DC, but feel like he's ruined everything"

Well he has by his actions. He got himself into this situation and was robbed as a result. Those bars are more often than not run by criminal gangs; such gangs actively look for and target foreigners to drug and then steal from. This bar scam is a well known scam that happens in more than one part of the world.

Actually it is precisely because of your children that you should seriously consider the whole future of this relationship here. Your children should not be ever used as glue to bind the two of you together. Staying for the children as well rarely works out well, it teaches the children that their parents marriage was based on a lie. They are not going to say "thanks mum" for staying with him and will accuse you also of putting him before them.

You're being asked to cover this up for a whole load of people including your H which is also unacceptable. You have done nothing wrong here.

If you cannot trust him there is really no relationship now.

How do you get £3,000 from a cash till?

I can get £250 a day here. Is it different abroad?

x-post about the cashpoint.

The story could be true. Its happened a lot in London before now.

But the drugging? Not many brothels/sex clubs/bars would resort to that knowing.

But I'm not saying it's true at all.

It is different abroad, at least I can get more out here, but not 3K still.

I imagine the 3K had already been withdrawn ready because Bob and Ted's Little Adventure had been planned for ages.

I'd get myself checked over too, OP. You don't know how many vaginas his poor penis has fallen into over the years.

In general the "adult entertainment industry" needs punters and drugging and beating isn't going to get much repeat business.

If your DH was in one of the usual spots of East Europe (CR, Slk, Rumania, Bulgaria, Poland et al) story sounds unlikely unless they were well off the beaten track. If he is/was in Russia, Croatia, BH etc I can believe him.

You said my DH was in such a state that I've no doubt it wasn't just booze he'd had clearly he didn't drug himself. So I would be inclined to believe him.

Most men don't think in depth about the abuse and the exploitation of women in the sex industry. Its just some weird world we occasionally run in to. In my experience 90% of blokes go along to look (a bit of titalation), like going to to a zoo. Its a sort of morbid fascination. BTW thats no justification, just an explanation of why he may have been there.

Also I'm wondering why he was abroad with a mate going to sleazy red light districts when he's a married man with kids. I don't mean that in a prudish way but how come he gets to do that as a "holiday"? My DP works away a lot and I understand that, but I would take a very dim view of him wanting to go off on sleazy lads' holidays abroad – time off work is limited and it doesn't say great things about his attitude to his family. I'd worry if my DP (or indeed me) wanted to do that repeatedly instead of a family holiday. It suggests a total failure to grow up. Do you get the same amount of time to go off abroad without the rest of your family on girls' trips to ogle blokes OP?

OP

I am so sorry. This is absolutely terrible for you.

I think that first, it was a breach of your trust and confidence to even go into this bar with the hostesses. I Think you need to make that point expressly to your DH. And also decide whether that issue in and of itself is enough to warrant you ending the relationship.

Secondly, there needs to be full disclosure of what happened that night. I think you need to tell your DH that because the situation involved a basic beach of your trust you are skeptical that it is even worse than how he is telling it. Has a report been made to the Embassy? If yes, ask your DH to request a copy of both his and his friend's statements, so that you can look at them and check whether they are consistent with his story. I think it would take some gumption to lie to the embassy and my hunch is, if he has lied, then it is just to you and the embassy has the full story for the criminal investigation.

Again, I am so sorry your DH has put you through this. I completely disagree with some posters who say that you should be sympathetic. He put himself in a situation which conflicted with your marriage. If his story is true, he put himself in danger where he had a wife and children who depend on him. Unforgivable.

Oh, and if you want to discuss with his family, do it. But I would wait until you have all the facts or at least done what you can to check them.

Sending you strength.

You can ask to see his bank statements. That will tell you whether he withdrew it in one go through a cash point, or whether there is a big list of card charges to establishments.

Agree with previous poster about cash limits from machines - i can take £500 per day.

like going to to a zoo

Well that says it all. These men don't see women as fully human – either the sex workers the go to gawp at (or worse), or their partners back home.

Yeah the £3K from a cash machine just doesn't wash...

How horrible for you OP.

It must be a terrible shock and it is natural to want to cling to what you thought you had and to find a way back to make everything ok again.

But do you really think that you can have any sort of happy ever after with this man by believing that he didn't have any extras that night or clinging on to the idea that the 'nice, respectful, fairly straight-laced husband' you thought you had is real?

In your OP you describe your husband as a liar who 'is happy to be part of the abuse of women'. Those are not traits to cling on to in a husband for the sake of the children.

Yes why not sit him down and explain you are finding it hard to know what to believe, which he has responsibility for since he has lied to you to start with. So to help you feel secure and confident about his story, you just need to see his bank statements for the time it happened, his report to the police/embassy, etc. Watch his face.

Also can you get a print out of his bank statement or better still (as much more accurate) phone his bank to enquire on the detail of where the 3k was taken from (cash machine or business) and WHAT TIME the transaction was made. If there is ANY inconsistency with his story, particularly in terms of timings, you have your truth. Phone the emergency bank line with your DP now on speaker phone and ask all the relevant questions: where was the money withdrawn, in how many withdrawals (1 or 6) and at what time. Ask you DH these SAME questions first so you can cross reference the answers from the bank after you get the info. Also importantly ask these questions To DH BEFORE you tell him you want to phone the bank as he may doctor the answers he gives you if you give him a heads up that you are going to check what he is going to say against the banks records.

Good luck

This wasn't in Europe - I agree it's bad for business, but apparently the deal changes once these men are in the bars and then they extort money. The British consulate site is covered in the story (which clearly my stupid DH didn't read). It is bad for business which is why I don't believe him. My friend has chosen to.

Believe it or not the red light district is a tourist destination in its' own right.

Yakari I don't know. That's a very good question. I want to put my head in the sand and forget about it, but I'm not the type. I suppose I want to know the truth, but frankly I suspect he'll take it to his grave, which then means we don't have a very solid foundation on which to base a relationship.

I know I'll most probably be flamed for this, but I don't want to rip my DC's world apart and I therefore want to make it work. I can't make it work though if I'm going to hate him. Which at the moment seems a real possibility.