DH drugged and mugged in a red light district abroad

[youfuckingidot]

The title says it all really.

He and a friend were out for a late night drink and went to see the 'sights' (lovely). They were 'curious' apparently and were taken to a bar by a tout, when they left they were taken to another bar which had 3 girls in that they sat with on a sofa. DH has admitted he had his arms around them. Apparently they can't remember very much and it seems they were drugged (my DH was in such a state that I've no doubt it wasn't just booze he'd had) in order for this little lot to be very sketchy on detail:

They had negotiated a fixed charge to go in the bar for a drink. The problem started when a bottle of cava came to the table and his friend objected saying they'd not ordered it. He was shouting and then the blokes in there jumped over the bar and started to beat them up (the friend took a hell of a battering, my DH less so). They were taken by force to a cash till and made to handover large sums in cash (£3k in total).

Apparently this is a very common situation for British blokes to get into in this country.

I have a few issues, but I'll limit my list to the following:

1. Before it became clear what had happened DH said they were in a sports bar and mugged in the street. DH lies.

2. Hostesses are pressured into extras for a lot of clients. DH has no respect for women as no one wants to work in such a situation. He is happy to be part of the abuse of women.

3. DH admitted he has visited lap dancing bars before on lads holidays (twice) and on stag dos. See point 2.

4. If he'd not been beaten up I'd never know about his secret life. He is clearly willing to lie to me.

5. I pushed him to tell me everything like this that he's ever done, but I can't trust his word so frankly he could be talking rubbish.

6. The timeline doesn't add up, there are a couple of missing hours. Were they passed out or were they getting extras?

7. The friend and his DW have asked me not to say anything. Out of respect to my friend (DW) I have agreed. I wanted to tell my PIL, because frankly I feel mean and want revenge, but DH begged me not to as they would feel very like I do. His father is certainly not a 'one of the lads' type of man. I feel I can't speak to anyone - hence being on here.

8. I work in a very male industry and see this kind of behaviour too often (a lot more than people imagine). My DH KNOWS how I feel about it, how I view the men involved.

I have 2 DC and thought I had a nice, respectful, fairly straight-laced husband. I feel like I'm in a daze. How do I get beyond this? I can't comprehend LTB because of the DC, but feel like he's ruined everything.

I think he was shocked when I said I'd rather he'd had an affair because at least the woman involved would have been there by choice, although I'm not sure it would be any better in reality.

I've asked him to go for an STD check as frankly I don't know what's actually gone on.

I can't bear to look at him. I can't trust him. I can't even slag him off (childish I know). What do I do?

Yep a very large hug for you.

I don't think that's necessarily the case - eg sleeping with prostitutes.

Its possible that he went for the 'frisson'...and it just all went horribly wrong.

I think your first port of call is the bank to check the statement. You'll have a clearer idea of what went on

I'm so sorry.

Spell as much as I'd like to believe him the only reason I know is because his friend confessed. DH was too fucked to really make much sense but was trying to tell me they were mugged in the street. He's a fucking coward and a liar isn't he?

His friend ended up at hospital they were both covered in blood, there was no hiding something had happened, but he tried. Whether when he'd come round a bit the truth would have been offered, but I have my doubts.

I almost don't want to tell people as I don't want people feeling sorry for me. I feel like I need to talk though.

The 'bar' was a hostess bar, not overtly a brothel. I think they were looking for a strip club from what he's said - not nice, nor any better, or even the truth, but just giving the details I've been told

I also think this happened in the ways in which he described. Such gangs are more than ready to use violence and frog march men to cashpoints after they have visited girl bars.

You have to decide whether you can get past this at all but you cannot and must not factor your children into that decision. Its your relationship, your children are completely separate from the relationship with your H. He is still their dad and they have a right to see him post any separation, you can facilitate that process.

Going to a brothel would be a deal breaker for me

Hang on - You were on holiday together and he went to seek out prostitutes. That is fucked up.

Apologies if I have misunderstood:

*To answer some questions:

We were on holiday together*

Sorry you've had this massive shock OP. I personally wouldn't know what to believe if he has lied as much as you state.

I couldn't stick with someone like that. I hope you get to the bottom of things soon. I also can't believe you were on holiday together! That somehow seems worse to me than if he was on a holiday with a bunch of friends. If I were you or your friend I'd seriously be reconsidering the man I married.

You know what would play on my mind?

He visited brothels while you were on holiday with him. You were there in the same place/country.

I would assume this is the least risk he thinks he can get away with.

What does he do/get up to when you are not in the same place/country?

It does sound like Thailand...

He could have those physical symptoms from smoking high strength skunk combined with alcohol. No reason to think he was actually spiked,
I'm sorry, you know he's a liar, this story doesn't add up. The biggest question mark is how he got £1000s from a cashpoint. If he did get robbed he had the cash on him already - why??

I can tell you that something similar happened to my brother and his friend in Amsterdam (both single)

They went into a bar, a few girls came and sat with them, asked them to buy them drink, when it came time to leave they got the bill which was something like £1,200 for 3 glasses of champagne and 2 beers, when the guys protested they were roughed up (by the 'security') and my brother was escorted to a bank machine to withdraw the money, while his friend was not allowed to leave the bar, until the bill was paid.

It wasn't a strip joint and the girls were not even prostitutes it's just a big scam.

Sorry you have to worry yourself about the uncertainty of it all.

moly yes we were there together. I'd gone home with my friend as the sitter needed to be relieved. DH and friend went to another bar and then they got into a cab to 'see' the red light district. I agree fucked up. The only defence that the friend is offering is that they've taken other friends to the area to see it (!!!!), it's a sight to behold apparently.

You can't make your marriage work on your own. If there's a cat in hells chance of making your marriage work without resentment eating away at you, then Mr Sleaze needs to take responsibility and swearing you to silence is a rubbish start.

I have no idea wether his story is true or not but it has conveniently made him the victim. It's time you start judging this man by his behaviour and visiting a brothel while traveling with your wife is pretty despicable.

This happened to my friend :( it would be over for me, sorry
Get yourself checked out and get rid. You poor thing x

"I almost don't want to tell people as I don't want people feeling sorry for me. I feel like I need to talk though".

Continue to do so then on here. You need an outlet to express your perfectly valid feelings.

Any senses of shame, guilt and embarrassment you have are totally misplaced. You have done no wrong here.

Its not a brothel, it was a hostess bar.

Poor you op. This must be shit.

Were your DC's also on holiday with you when this happened?

You already know he lies in general.

He went out looking for this kind of 'entertainment' deliberately whilst you were on a family holiday?

Those are the things I couldn't let go off, and the fact it sounds like a regular (if not frequent) occurrence when he goes on 'lads holidays'.

My DH has been on a handful of trips to Amsterdam in the 19 years we've been together, for stags and big birthdays, and I'm under no illusions that there has been the odd strip bar and a fair amount of wacky baccy, but it sounds like your DH actually has quite a major problem.

For me the bare minimum would be that he moves into the spare room whilst having therapy of some kind and paying back all the money that he's spent on this crap, but tbh I don't think I could get over the rest of it.

I'd guess Russia or somewhere like Lithunia/Estonia.

3K is a lot of money.
I'd doubt the cash machines would dole it out.
It would have to be cash or travellers cheques.

You are being spun a line.

Were you in Japan?

It sounds plausible and it is possible that they were in a hostess bar rather than a a brothel.

Your OH may not be a brothel-fiend but he sure is a dumb as a spanner and v. bad with money.

Just read that you were on a family holiday when he did this.

No, just no...I'm probably one of the most laid back people I know but I couldn't get past that. I hope your kids didn't have to see their dad in that state.

mkz10 thanks for sharing that.

Ehric he doesn't smoke, never has (fags or anything else), but I take your point.

We were in Asia but not Thailand.

I need to speak to the bank as the big transaction for £650 is the one that's the most suspicious

We have total transparency on our finances so I would know if there were regular withdrawals, I can see the amounts involved in lads weekends (honestly they are all really nice supposedly educated men which I find so disappointing) and nothing so big has ever happened. I run our credit cards and see everything - he can't buy me a present without me knowing about it.

Prostitutes yes, it would be over for me. But going to a red light district or even a strip club, while I would not like it one bit, it wouldn't be a deal breaker.

I also think his account is entirely plausible and I bet he will never venture into one of these 'area's', bars or clubs again.

Tbh it IS quite possible that they have been forced to hand out cash esp as the consulate has had lots of reports of similar issues before. The bank statements will tell you more about when and how the money went.

But it doesn't change the fact that
1- he went to a strip club/brothel/red light area even though he knows how strongly you feel about it.
2- he choosed to lie about it, just as he lied about the stag do before
3- you still have a few hours unaccounted
4- He has shown by his actions that he doesn't care about the welfare of these women (The comment of being at the zoo is spot on i think, but again different than when you actually go IN one of those places). This could be a deal breaker for you in itself.

I think that even if things have happened as he said, he has proven to you that he isn't the trustworthy, kind, attentionate man you though he was. That it was just a mask.
You will have to deal with it with him.
ie to rebuild that trust, what do you want to see happening? What do you expect from him?