DH drugged and mugged in a red light district abroad

[youfuckingidot]

The title says it all really.

He and a friend were out for a late night drink and went to see the 'sights' (lovely). They were 'curious' apparently and were taken to a bar by a tout, when they left they were taken to another bar which had 3 girls in that they sat with on a sofa. DH has admitted he had his arms around them. Apparently they can't remember very much and it seems they were drugged (my DH was in such a state that I've no doubt it wasn't just booze he'd had) in order for this little lot to be very sketchy on detail:

They had negotiated a fixed charge to go in the bar for a drink. The problem started when a bottle of cava came to the table and his friend objected saying they'd not ordered it. He was shouting and then the blokes in there jumped over the bar and started to beat them up (the friend took a hell of a battering, my DH less so). They were taken by force to a cash till and made to handover large sums in cash (£3k in total).

Apparently this is a very common situation for British blokes to get into in this country.

I have a few issues, but I'll limit my list to the following:

1. Before it became clear what had happened DH said they were in a sports bar and mugged in the street. DH lies.

2. Hostesses are pressured into extras for a lot of clients. DH has no respect for women as no one wants to work in such a situation. He is happy to be part of the abuse of women.

3. DH admitted he has visited lap dancing bars before on lads holidays (twice) and on stag dos. See point 2.

4. If he'd not been beaten up I'd never know about his secret life. He is clearly willing to lie to me.

5. I pushed him to tell me everything like this that he's ever done, but I can't trust his word so frankly he could be talking rubbish.

6. The timeline doesn't add up, there are a couple of missing hours. Were they passed out or were they getting extras?

7. The friend and his DW have asked me not to say anything. Out of respect to my friend (DW) I have agreed. I wanted to tell my PIL, because frankly I feel mean and want revenge, but DH begged me not to as they would feel very like I do. His father is certainly not a 'one of the lads' type of man. I feel I can't speak to anyone - hence being on here.

8. I work in a very male industry and see this kind of behaviour too often (a lot more than people imagine). My DH KNOWS how I feel about it, how I view the men involved.

I have 2 DC and thought I had a nice, respectful, fairly straight-laced husband. I feel like I'm in a daze. How do I get beyond this? I can't comprehend LTB because of the DC, but feel like he's ruined everything.

I think he was shocked when I said I'd rather he'd had an affair because at least the woman involved would have been there by choice, although I'm not sure it would be any better in reality.

I've asked him to go for an STD check as frankly I don't know what's actually gone on.

I can't bear to look at him. I can't trust him. I can't even slag him off (childish I know). What do I do?

WGC I don't think its Europe, it sounds like Thailand to me.

OP this is wretched for you, my sympathies.

What I'm saying is I strongly suspect he's lying and he doesn't have this evidence to show her. I wouldn't trust him at all either and as I've said, it would be a dealbreaker for me anyway. But OP is unsure what to believe so I'm suggesting this as a way to pin him down.

Which country was this?
And from your update did you say you were in the same country - so it was not a lad's weekend away?

I understand why your friend wants to move on but if I were you I'd tell my DH that he has your support ONLY IF you go on a massive campaign to tell EVERYONE about these shady practises so the same fate doesn't befall some more helpless men. (I'm thinking Daily Mail or something...)

OP I would feel exactly the same as you.

Really don't know where you go from here but your reaction is exactly what mine would be. I feel sick for you.

I agree Freda. Which probably means the girls were about 14.

(Did this happen in Thailand?).

Re your comment:-
"I don't want to rip my DC's world apart and I therefore want to make it work. I can't make it work though if I'm going to hate him. Which at the moment seems a real possibility".

Their world has already changed, the foundations of their parents marriage has been rocked to its core by his actions.

Your children should never be used as the glue here to bind him and you together. How are you ever going to make this work, a person cannot make a marriage work on its own. What is HE going to do or has done to even begin to seek your forgiveness. Many people including him want you to cover up and minimise this whole sordid episode. Why should your H not seemingly receive any consequences for his actions?.

Your children and your marriage are completely separate; your children will not say thanks mum for remaining with him particularly if they see your hate and confusion re their dad over the next x number of years.

Apologies - not my smartest analogy. I meant a situation where men just look, but not get involved. Also I didn't say that was my view.

My point was I believe most men don't think about the abuse and the exploitation of women in the sex industry. There needs to be more education for men on this.

OP about separating - I think you're right to consider the impact on the DC, and I think the truth is many people do that. No, it's not good for DC to grow up with parents who hate each other, but also it may not be good for them to have to blow everything out of the water, move house etc etc or at least you may want to choose your timing. But, it may be that you can "make it work" for your kids by him moving out, living nearby, seeing them regularly etc. I know that's a lot to think about right now but remember you don't have some duty to make your relationship with him work.

CocktailQueen and that's in a country where 3K doesn't go that far, IYKWIM - in a very poor country I'd be amazed if you could take out such a lot of money on one day.

If it was Thailand then being drugged and mugged like that is definitely believable.

Well if it was Thailand or indeed a few other Asia countries then the story re drugging is more plausible and unfortunately yes some of the bars are little more than 'zoo's' for tourists (sadly male and female)

But still he went - to look, to act on it - really who cares. They are notorious for exploiting women esp young women. I couldn't get over that, I really couldn't imagine ever making love to him again, ever even just cuddling up. Sorry just couldn't get over it.

Could you get past it and if not, is that honestly a life you want?

I can take £500 per card and I have about 5 cards. Was it 3k between them?

I think it happened exactly the way he said it did. Otherwise he wouldn't have mentioned it at all.

If this were my DH visiting a brothel then it'd be a marriage ender.

The fact that he'd additionally been a victim of crime wouldn't make it any less of a deal breaker.

Were you abroad, too?

I can't make it work though if I'm going to hate him.

I would honestly be more concerned that you would end up hating yourself.

What does the online banking statement say about where he took the cash out? Was there actually any money left in that account? If so, why wouldn't they make him take that out, too?

It sounds plausible to me.

I would be v angry that DH had deliberately put himself in that situation. He knew he was walking directly into the sex-industry. What did he think was going to happen?

To answer some questions:

We were on holiday together

We both have separate holidays too, it's sometimes easier than getting childcare. These trips are not at the expense of family holidays.

DrMorbius - I think your zoo analogy is particularly nasty, but unfortunately I suspect it is true. Not sure if that helps or makes it worse!

it wasn't thailand

The total bill was 3k between them. There is no limit to what can be withdrawn by expat accounts but we should have a limit of £300 per day. This limit was used.

We have a fully joint account so i can and will speak to the bank - he offered I told him he can't be trusted to report back accurately. I have a sinking feeling about the charge on the card - it must have been a transaction and not a cash till which as you all observe means he was 'paying for something'.

Oh god, I liked my life. I loved my DH. What a sham.

I also think you would hate yourself more for staying with him to be honest.

I would think he has voluntarily spent a huge amount of money on prostitutes, in the past and at this holiday.

Maybe he took things too far and the 'bouncer' had to step in and sort things out.

My sympathy would have stopped the second I found out he'd been lying to me.

Sending you strength OP.

Oh sweetheart.

I really really don't understand some men at all.

I think the best course of action in the long run, would be to ask him to leave. Make him think he has blown it and see what he is prepared to do to get it back. I would tell him to start with the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.