HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on ...part 8

[Izzie595]

Nobody understands the fully devastating impact of the ending of a marriage unless and until they experience it themselves

Welcome to Hobbit's Bar. Thread number 8.

The previous thread has been filled in less than a fortnight. Therefore, I've included below the post I did for Thread number 7. Links to all the threads in this series are below.
...........................................................................................................

This is the place where we meet to let it all out, to share experiences, to get support, and maybe give support if and when we feel able. And also to sometimes have a good laugh about things, because Hell, we've earned the right to laugh!

The bar is owned by Hobbit. She is adorable, kind, and bonkers. And lazy. So we take turns in running the bar for her ladyship.

I'm the latest proprietor of the bar. Izzie Age 54. Married 30 years. Two young adult sons living with me. Husband left to live with OW on Halloween last year. Very appropriate! No moves towards divorce or financial settlement at present. I started posting my own stuff on MN at the start of the year. Best thing I ever did. Well, I've had better successes in life, but you get my point, yes? I've been through the whole range of emotions, backwards, forwards, round and round: It's not a linear process by any means. And it does seem common to have a huge crash at 4 to 6 months in. Today I'm meh. Mostly.

There are a range of experiences in the Bar, generally at any one time. Examples: the early stages of separation; negotiating; legal matters; abuse in all forms; feeling stronger; having a major crash again; dealing with fuckwittery from the exes; financial worries; issues involving both young and adult children; moving towards the Mecca that is "meh". Basically, the whole works. Believe me, whatever you are currently experiencing, you are not alone.

My advice to any newbies: just jump in, but if you have the time and inclination, try reading all of the threads. You will see real women experiencing their bleakest moments, their progress, their dips, their innermost thoughts.

Rules of The Bar

1. Don't ask to join just come in
2. The phrase Party Pooper is banned. We may be having a good old giggle sometimes but someone in need must interrupt whatever is going on. We can't all be in sync, but someone in need ALWAYS takes priority
3. You are not obliged to give advice, reply to any posts, there are no expectations of you. Take what you want from the thread.

And just to ease you in, here are a few things you may wish to know:

1. An Izzietini is the bar drink.
2. A number 6 refers to rule number 6 in Hobbit's Twunts list. Reasons why they do things. Because they are....... Erm, no, the answer is not "misguided"
3. Mother, WellWhoKnew or WWK. Recently divorced, previous proprietor of the Bar and a legend of MN to those who followed her own threads. Also a legend on here for her straightforward advice. And keeps us in order.
4. Some of the posters also have their own threads. I hope they will do a link for you
5. There's a bad case of exclamationitis on here. Occurs when trying to put in a comma on ipad, but it auto corrects to an exclamation mark. So if you post and get a dodgy comment back, eg "Have you thought about counselling! sounds like you need help!".....please believe us that we are not sarky cows. Because the rule of exclamationitis is that we only spot it after we have posted!
6. Our sayings are "Shit, this is hard" and "KOKO", keep on keeping on
7. Our theme tune, to keep us going, is below

At the beginning of this year Fontella posted this on the first thread:

"Can I just say as more of a reader rather than a participant on this thread (I got shot of my lying, conniving, controlling ex 10 years ago) that this is fast turning into my favourite thread. Lots of powerful, courageous and funny (in a good way) women all coming together and supporting each other through an incredibly painful time. You are all fabulous!"

I couldn't have said it better myself.

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

Part 7

Mind those stairs iwas. Oops too late

State even ( on mobile, in bed, crap light)

WWK Ok then, we will blame you for Eurovision! Oh don't feel guilty avout stuff, it's a wasted emotion. You don't want a dose of the Catholic Guilt Complex, it's total shite. Cast if off.

Me finks we are all drunken hooligans...

bobs and I'm a bit slow! even when sober

Right, really going now, internet slow too

I've never smoked but I do like wine

I like taking the mick out of you Izzie as much as you like taking it out of me!

I am sure your doors look lovely. I'm hoping I won't need to go to the toilet in the night as our bathroom is downstairs so I had better be careful Izzie!

Bobs you're drunk too then! Or a good excuse for me, I'm on phone in dark with a crap light in bed too what bollocks

Night everyone.

If we were drunken hooligans we'd be doing stuff like throwing bricks through twunts windows and scratching their cars. Now THEN we'd have something to feel guilty about. But of course we wouldn't do that because we're not twunts

Ha my bathroom's downstairs too - good handrail on the stairs though!

Bet Izzie has en-suites to all the bedrooms of her mansion

Bobs if I opened one of my bedroom windows I could probably if I wasn't drunk chuck a brick onto Sid's car! so don't tempt me

It needs a good handrail tonight! I beet Izzie has en suites galore!

I need to go to bed, night Bobs

Bloody brilliant, girls!

I'll ditto that wise

Coffee with my mother this morning, followed by a big family lunch this afternoon - his family. Not looking forward to either.

I am going to tell his mother I think he's gone on holiday and blatantly lied to his own daughter.

frizzy
I hope you're ok? The ladies have given you sound advice -they gave the same advice to me too - it made a big difference. I have pretty awful days too sometimes, as we all do, but the moment the texting stopped (or seriously lessened) was the moment I started to cope. Wwk is right - the demons in our heads are a big enough fight. Leave him to his decision. Someone said to me that it's impossible to change him, we can only change ourselves, what we do and how react. Difficult but true I'm afraid. The results might surprise you anyway. In my case, changing what I was doing has led to a small change in him.

I've got some news anyway - I now know the real reason why my marriage failed. I indulged in some retail therapy - nothing like a bit of pre divorce panic buying yesterday. Got home to a pretty grumpy H who announced that if I'd helped out more in the garden our marriage wouldn't be in the state it's in.....so now I know. I should have been more like Charlie Dimmock.

I now know the real reason why my marriage failed. I indulged in some retail therapy - nothing like a bit of pre divorce panic buying yesterday. Got home to a pretty grumpy H who announced that if I'd helped out more in the garden our marriage wouldn't be in the state it's in

Another corker from HRT

Did he like the new purchases?

Yes, pre divorce panic buying, that well known affliction. A tip on that score, if you go to a veeery large supermarket, it's amazing what can be passed off as groceries!

What should I be panic buying? Should we put together a list? This week I've bought some "good quality" essentials (that makes me sound old!!), some decent bras (usually buy primark cheapies), jeans, converse. Basically stocking up my wardrobe so I can look ok and not have to find money to spend on me. I have a few house bits stored away but am loathe to buy lots as I don't know what I will need.

I got the rage a bit yesterday. He was round looking after the DC on his day. I was working from home. Could hear him going through all the kitchen cupboards and complaining to the DC how there are no healthy snacks for him. Ffs. I make sure there are raisins in the cupboard and his favourite biscuits. Am I supposed to provide a smorgasbord of delights??? He doesn't live here anymore, why can't he understand that?

Of course the above tip does t work if you're divorcing Mr SW types.....

toast I've just had an idea.....gift vouchers

What a good idea and a bit of fun too, toast

Let's have some ideas for a pre divorce panic buying/joint account splurge

I've got to go and get ready, be back later

Morning all, Aarrgggg......

Eurovision schmurovision!

Double Arrrrggggg......

Can't even formulate a sentence yet, be back in a bit, 2hours

Oooohh, I've got a good tip, do supermarket shop, get essentials< like food>
Get cash back < say fifty quid> all looks like groceries!

Money to stash or spend, I've been doing that for the past seven months,
< I am a criminal mastermind>

Panic buying pre- loss of joint account access list;

1. Alcohol, stock up my lovelies.
2. Make-up, skin care, we' ll need it, to cover the cracks.
3. New glasses, contacts. I am blind as a bat, failing that, laser eye surgery, < might be a bit difficult to squeeze that one in>
4. Plastic surgery, I have a turkey neck,

< see above>

1. New teeth, need new smile.

< again, see above>

1. Total new wardrobe, don't wanna end up like a bag lady, do we, while OW is swanning about looking smug.