HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on ...part 8

[Izzie595]

Nobody understands the fully devastating impact of the ending of a marriage unless and until they experience it themselves

Welcome to Hobbit's Bar. Thread number 8.

The previous thread has been filled in less than a fortnight. Therefore, I've included below the post I did for Thread number 7. Links to all the threads in this series are below.
...........................................................................................................

This is the place where we meet to let it all out, to share experiences, to get support, and maybe give support if and when we feel able. And also to sometimes have a good laugh about things, because Hell, we've earned the right to laugh!

The bar is owned by Hobbit. She is adorable, kind, and bonkers. And lazy. So we take turns in running the bar for her ladyship.

I'm the latest proprietor of the bar. Izzie Age 54. Married 30 years. Two young adult sons living with me. Husband left to live with OW on Halloween last year. Very appropriate! No moves towards divorce or financial settlement at present. I started posting my own stuff on MN at the start of the year. Best thing I ever did. Well, I've had better successes in life, but you get my point, yes? I've been through the whole range of emotions, backwards, forwards, round and round: It's not a linear process by any means. And it does seem common to have a huge crash at 4 to 6 months in. Today I'm meh. Mostly.

There are a range of experiences in the Bar, generally at any one time. Examples: the early stages of separation; negotiating; legal matters; abuse in all forms; feeling stronger; having a major crash again; dealing with fuckwittery from the exes; financial worries; issues involving both young and adult children; moving towards the Mecca that is "meh". Basically, the whole works. Believe me, whatever you are currently experiencing, you are not alone.

My advice to any newbies: just jump in, but if you have the time and inclination, try reading all of the threads. You will see real women experiencing their bleakest moments, their progress, their dips, their innermost thoughts.

Rules of The Bar

1. Don't ask to join just come in
2. The phrase Party Pooper is banned. We may be having a good old giggle sometimes but someone in need must interrupt whatever is going on. We can't all be in sync, but someone in need ALWAYS takes priority
3. You are not obliged to give advice, reply to any posts, there are no expectations of you. Take what you want from the thread.

And just to ease you in, here are a few things you may wish to know:

1. An Izzietini is the bar drink.
2. A number 6 refers to rule number 6 in Hobbit's Twunts list. Reasons why they do things. Because they are....... Erm, no, the answer is not "misguided"
3. Mother, WellWhoKnew or WWK. Recently divorced, previous proprietor of the Bar and a legend of MN to those who followed her own threads. Also a legend on here for her straightforward advice. And keeps us in order.
4. Some of the posters also have their own threads. I hope they will do a link for you
5. There's a bad case of exclamationitis on here. Occurs when trying to put in a comma on ipad, but it auto corrects to an exclamation mark. So if you post and get a dodgy comment back, eg "Have you thought about counselling! sounds like you need help!".....please believe us that we are not sarky cows. Because the rule of exclamationitis is that we only spot it after we have posted!
6. Our sayings are "Shit, this is hard" and "KOKO", keep on keeping on
7. Our theme tune, to keep us going, is below

At the beginning of this year Fontella posted this on the first thread:

"Can I just say as more of a reader rather than a participant on this thread (I got shot of my lying, conniving, controlling ex 10 years ago) that this is fast turning into my favourite thread. Lots of powerful, courageous and funny (in a good way) women all coming together and supporting each other through an incredibly painful time. You are all fabulous!"

I couldn't have said it better myself.

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

Part 7

Yum ??

Haha Hobbit makes no difference whether you've had wine or not- you're bonkers either way bobs this has made me laugh

That too busy not thinking cos we are thinking -and preempting their next move - funny how I know him so well that I am now telling my sol when she will be getting communication from his sol. shame he cant communicate so well with his kids - one has text me to ask what time they are coming home tomorrow - the other has said she wants to come home at a different time - earlier than agreed.

I am feeling pretty down today - hate hate hate what the c88t is doing to the kids

Lying, spineless twat.

Sorry, I realise I need to narrow that one down a bit, H is a lying spineless twat, clearly he's going on holiday, but has told me and dd that he won't see her for the next week because he's working. Twat.

All I get is attitude and lies.

green if you have a pre agreed time then I suggest you stick to it. If he knows what that time is and they know as well there should be no need to text you. Just tell them to ask their dad as he is in charge.

I'm the same as you in that I know what his next move will be too - sweet F-all!!!

Braving it's part of who they are - why tell the truth when a lie will do just as well - cowardly tossers.

Think we all need one of Hobbits cuntastictinis not having any sloe gin to hand my concoction later will be vodka, amaretto, peach schnapps, cranberry juice and lemonade - tried and trusted

haha bobs yes thats twunt too until hes backed in a corner then he gets nasty -

actually ive just thought - my X cant be happy - none of these twunts can be happy because happy people dont go out of their way to cause harm to others - all these "spiritual" bods that claim to have found the answer dont go about their lives trying to destroy others they try and get people to follow in their way - so really the twunts should be pitied not hated because to want to destroy is a reflection of how they really feel about themselves!

green Good point, if they were happy why would they feel the need to be so unnecessarily unpleasant.

I'm in a right state today, been crying non stop, just come off phone from him, he's so hostile at the moment, telling me I'm making this so much harder for him and he's finding it hard, and that me never just leaving anything is what frustrated the hell out of him, which is a lie because I was forever trying to keep things ok and make him love me, how can he expect me to just be fine after he's only been gone 4 weeks, just can't stop sobbing, how can he be so nasty after everything I've had to cope with, every other word was I or me, he says I keep going on in my texts that I'm struggling, I don't but some days I have to be honest with him because the enormity of everything kills me, feel like I'm drowning, today is the worst that I've felt since he left me, he seems to hate me, and I've done nothing wrong

"to want to destroy is a reflection of how they really feel about themselves!"
Absolutely green Mine was always depressed and the only thing that seemed to "float his boat" was to bring down those around him to feel as unhappy as he was. Oddly, and the only thing I never understood, was that it was only the female sex whose heads he tried to mess with - any female close to him.

or lying by omission - seems to think that is not the same as lying - oh well I just won't say anything so that means I am not lying

I have a question for you all, if I may?

Do people treat you differently now you're single/on your own?

I shall be having a drink later - but I'm drowning in work right now. I'm not sure if this is a good or bad thing...

Frizzy, you're looking in the wrong direction for answers, I'm sorry to say. You keep asking him for validation, he's going to keep rejecting you, making you feel worse and killing your self esteem.

No contact means it's "just" a battle between you and your head demons (which is quite hard enough I think!) so turning to him is really putting an act of self-harm.

They all hate us, and none of us have a clue why. It's easier for them to justify their bad behaviour if they can blame us. Please remember this. I've met so many women in our situation now - and you know what, there's nothing wrong with them. They are lovely, funny, imaginative, clever in their own ways but just utterly hurt and betrayed by the actions of a man (drifted's woman) they've chosen to love. That's your starting point. Remember that.

Do people treat me differently? Yes.

People I thought were my friends avoid me. Mums at the school gates talk about me but not to me anymore. My neighbours don't really talk to me. My mum and brother have practically disowned me.

I didn't expect any of that, naively.

One man I work with has almost (not quite) stopped flirting with me - presumably I'm not safe to flirt with anymore :)

Frizzy wasn't sure how to reply without sounding too blunt but luckily WWK said it. I think the more you tell him how unhappy you are, the more hostile he will become, which in turn will make you even more unhappy. He will get progressively nastier as he tries to get his point across. Don't do this to yourself. He's not worth it. You've made your point to him and told him how you feel. You need to start working on you now, and the more you contact him the more you will struggle. and

WWK Do people treat you differently now you're single/on your own?

If you mean people who already know me, the answer is no they don't. I'm more confident now. That includes friends, family, work colleagues.

Other people, who may see a single woman now rather than a married one, by the lack of a wedding ring.....no, don't think so. Again, I'm more confident now.

Why are you asking?

frizzy they don't want to be reminded of what they've done, the carnage they have caused, so reminding him will be counter productive I'm afraid. In my situation, the only odd bit of help I got was when I made it clear I didn't want his help.

Toast I don't think that is naive, just rather sad. Unfortunately as Braving said, as a "single" woman you can be perceived as a threat or unsafe to flirt with. Also, dare I say it, the prettier you are, the more of a threat you are! Hopefully you still have some friends you can talk to at school. All you can do is hold your head up high and be open to chatting

Something I discovered when my sister, and then my mum died, is that some people pretty well ignored me. I realised it was because they had not experienced a trauma like this for themselves and people tend to ignore what they do not understand. I discovered that if you talk to people about what you are going through, you will get response from some people, others do not want to know.

When I see my friends in my home town they are still the same, but then stbx tried to ostracise me from them as soon as we got married and would never accompanied me to any events there.

I have found that friends made from when I moved here - toddler groups etc, have remained friends. Any that I made who stbx is also friends with have not contacted me. They are friendly when I see them in passing, but do not want to be involved. I am hurt by it but tell myself to just let it go.

To be honest I might have a better social life if I moved back to my home town, but DDs home, friends, boyfriends etc are here. So for the moment I pretty well have no social life (lack of finance doesn't help!) No meet up groups really in this area. There is a weekly singles meet-up near where i lived but "too close to home" and omg the gossip!!!

I think it's partly the area I am in. It's very clique-y. Women don't get divorced unless their DH goes off with someone else. So I am something odd to them for being the one who got him to leave!!

I find it lonely at weekends. Today I've spent the day looking at houses on my own, which I've found very upsetting. This evening I don't have my DDs so it's very quiet here, I don't have any single friends to meet up with.

My own friends and family don't treat me differently and are very supportive but friends who are in a couple and who were friends with us as a couple seem to think I'm a huge threat. They are superficially friendly but generally ignore me. It really is so stupid I am average looking not some beautiful temptress and I always tell them I'm not in the slightest bit interested in a relationship yet for some reason they think I'm after their manky husbands.

WWK "drowning in work right now" I guess it's a good thing if it pays the bills I wouldn't mind some work! Any update on job interviews?

Thanks for all your lovely supportive msgs. U ladies are all so wise and have learnt how to handle these idiots so well. Its true they can't be as happy as they want us to think with their ow as otherwise why waste so much energy hating on us

It helps to read through and realise its not just me. Men are all just no good. I do wonder if there is such a thing as a decent man. I still keep thinking deep down is he right will anyone ever want me etc.

So much pain how do we get through it.

I hope its ok to vent here no one else gets it and people get sick of you going on

I don't have much experience to help others but i can listen and empathise

I was having a good week until the random calls started. I am trying not to answer as we agreed that we'd only speak during the week if the children asked or important issues etc. Yesterday evening at about ten he decides to try calling twice - I didn't answer as again at that time it wouldn't have been important or with reguards to the children, so what he needed to call for I don't know.

Hope your weeks are going as okay as can be in struggling to follow on a half cracked iphone but try and keep up and keep you in my thoughts.

Why are you asking? - yeah, that's a good question Izzie and the simple answer is because I don't actually know. I mean, part of the horror of being 'suddenly abandoned' (and isolated) is that you feel utterly humiliated (and I do sometimes still feel that) but then, like Frizzy you have this overwhelming need to understand 'why' all the time which is born out of this belief that you must have done something 'bad' or 'wrong' to deserve this. And then, on the other hand, I've met and made lots of new friends since he left and people invite me to things - more so than when I was married! And at least now I'm not going to get a hard time for actually socialising with people...

But then, that's the issue: so much of this is our 'head demons'. I dunno - I loved being in the bubble of a marriage (even if the man was a cunt) and I miss it (and the financial security). But I'm trying to work out whether I like being single or not. So, I suppose, I'm only asking because I'm still trying to get my head around it all. I still have the 'twenty different emotions in a day malarky' going on but some minor moments of meh.

Frizzy I'm worried I may have been too blunt - I did mean my post most kindly. I have a friend who constantly sought validation from the ex, and it's practically destroyed her self-esteem. She's now in the angry 'how dare he treat me like that phase' (phew!).

Toast/Bobs that's exactly, sort of, what I was expecting to read: that you become this sort of social pariah within your peer group. But it still doesn't mean you're not likeable etc. I too live in the arse end of nowhere and so 'meet ups' (and lack of finances right now!) mean that doing stuff is severely curtailed. Like Wise I'm forcing myself to say 'yes' to stuff, even if my gut says 'no', because I'm recognising that the only way out of this 'living nightmare' as I call my current situation is to just go with the flow and see where I end up.

Yummy I think, or rather, I still hope that not all men are cunts but that it was our erroneous belief that our respective cunts were true men. That said: this is very much the place to vent away! We all do it when we need to so do join in any time. You are most welcome.

Bobs the joy of being a freelancer! Just means I can go days of being a hopeless unemployed, unemployable, intelligent woman...and then when the work arrives, I'm more than okay with my life. The formal workplace and I remain polarised, I'm afraid.

yummy glad reading the posts are helping. Of course vent here, it certainly helps. And you're not obliged to help others or to post any replies. You deal with the pain minute by minute at first, just concentrate on the moment. The early days are by far the hardest. It does get easier, and you will have times when your thoughts are not consumed with all of it, just briefly at first, but it does happen. I'm nearly 7 months since he left. I remember posting at some stage to say that my thoughts were all consuming about him, and I wondered what in earth I thought about before he left! As I've got further through the process I think about other things. But I still have my moments when the thoughts won't go away. But at least it's not all the time. Just be patient, go with it, you have to do so to come out the other side.