Affair - Learning to Cope Part 4

[OpheliaRose]

Many you will have read my threads 1 2 3

I found out almost 3 weeks ago that my husband was having an affair with a girl from his work. Not only where they exchanging flirty messages but had also had blow jobs and sex at the office when confronted my Husband told me he had feelings for the OW and would be leaving me for her.

3 weeks on and the pain I feel is still unbearable, he has been spending time with OW and her child, wants to have our Twins EoW and is planning on introducing the Twins sooner rather than later as the OW will be a big part of his and their life. Heart broken doesn't even cover what I am currently feeling and experiencing

I have decided to file for divorce on grounds of adultery but as its currently stands will not be naming the OW. This is not an easy choice for me to make however I do not think it will make me feel any better because apart from the courts, me Husband and OW no one will know. They appear to feel no shame at their actions anyway so what good would it do.

I want to thank all you wonderful ladies for your continued support at this very hard time for me.

The first I'd let him know about your new job is when he comes to pick the children up and you are still dressed in your swanky work clothes.

Seconded to echinacea, its brilliant!

For sore throat, a tablespoon of honey in a small plastic cup warm it up in the microwave for 30 seconds (depending on Microwave strength) and add a teaspoon of ground cinnamon to it.

Keep going lovely, you are amazing

YOu don't realise how much easier you make it to get through my day sometimes.

Viv thank you or making me giggle today i really needed a laugh.

I can't decide if i'm being rash about the work option but i need to do something. It would give me a chance to earn my own money, rebuild my social life and also my self confidence. I think a coupke of days in nursery or a childminders would be good for the twins as well. I was worried maybe with this much upheaval going on with their dad leaving it might be too much but my friend said nursery was a good send when her ex left as it provided support for her and the kids and gave them some level of stability with a routine and other people to make them feel safe and looked after.

No that I cant provide that but i'm so exhausted all the time right now I just think it would be beneficial to us all

You're doing the right thing by looking after them and putting them first. All three of you need to come first though. Try to look after yourself
If anything, now is probably a good time to look into nurseries and childminders as there is inevitable change at the moment which can all be dealt with at once.

Sleep well, Phee. Bide your time, think carefully (as you are) and take good care of yourself. You have accomplished so much in such a short time. No wonder you are exhausted, you have been put through the emotional wringer. And physically dealing with the twins by yourself is exhausting, too.
Do ring your boss about a job tomorrow, and if you can find a place for the twins in nursery, do, it will be good for them and for you (even if you don't start working immediately). Have you asked your mum if she would be able to look after them sometimes?
A wise Dame of Norwich said: "All shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well." Keep that in mind!
Hugs and flowers xx

How about these...

Travel blackout blinds. V easy to put up...

www.amazon.co.uk/The-Gro-Company-New-Version/dp/B00BKZLWBU/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1431889909&sr=8-1&keywords=go+anywhere+blackout+blind

You are doing brilliantly. Keep on keeping on.

It would give me a chance to earn my own money, rebuild my social life and also my self confidence.

Yy to this. Absolutely. You will be able to cope so much better on the days with the twins if you have respite at work.

You are doing brilliantly. And he will be confused as you refuse to stay in the 'devastated wife waiting for him' box he has put you in.

YY to what GERTI said. Absolutely.

Get that iron stuff we mentioned upthread, but also a multi vit. The soluble effervescents are great heap cause they make sure you drink a decent amount of fluid with it and it tastes decent. Drinking a multivitamin makes you feel less like you're pill popping too, IYKWIM.

GREAT idea re your boss - it'll give you adult time that will benefit you and that's just one benefit for starters.

Heap cause?! BECAUSE.
my auto correct is tripping tonight.

I don't have twins, but there is only 11.5 months between my two, and they were two and three when my husband left after having an affair (with their child minder!).

I had just got in the police, and got a start date 4 months later. I had to go away to police training college for 15 weeks with only weekends at home.

The kids had a combination of nursery and child minder, then they stayed with their dad at his parents house in the week. They adapted to this fine.

I actually relished the time away (although of course I missed them). With what had happened I think it was actually perfect timing, and it allowed me a bit of time and space to be me first, rather than having to be mum first.

I suppose what I'm getting at is that actually, the smaller they are, the easier they adapt. I've always worked, and they've been through a fair few childminders, nurseries, holiday schemes etc. They thrived at nursery etc, and it meant I could work knowing they were well looked after. It also meant I appreciated the time I had with them more.

It's not easy, there is times when I've been lonely, when ive been stuck for childcare whilst doing shift work, and when ive got angry that my ex got to swan off, start a new life, and not have any of the responsibility. However, I wouldn't be without my kids for the world and they've grown into happy, well adjusted teenagers.

As for my ex, I look back and see he actually did me a massive favour as he is not a very nice human being and I'm glad im not stuck with him! Some of the stunts he has pulled over the last 14 years would make your hair curl and sadly, whilst the kids love him, they know exactly how far down his list of priorities they come.

I think going back to work is a great idea, both for you and the twins. You've been so strong so far and are doing brilliantly!

My work gives me a break from the constant requirements of parenthood. It's not for everyone, but I don't have it in me to be a sahm, I'd go insane. I think it might be good for you, but remember, you're not making a forever decision here, if the job turns out not to be right for you, you can quit.

Phee if you need a laugh there is a thread in chat about your most embarrassing moments. Don't know how to link though

The job idea sounds good

Ho ophelia. Been following from the start of these threads. Think you're doing a cracking job xx wanted to add that if you're looking for supplement to stop you feeling so tired iron is good. There is a liquid one called spatone that you can get in boots. It's blumming marvellous. (Seems to be doing the job for me anyway).

Good luck luv. You deserve much better than the crap he is putting you through xx

Morning everyone just wanted to say thank you for all your advice last night. Obviously I couldn't magic up blackout blinds but starting bed time earlier and having them asleep just after 7 worked wonders! Only one woke briefly at 3 just because thud kicked off the covers and were cold otherwise pretty much solid sleep till 6:30 which is practically I lie in for me. I felt much more rested and positive when I woke up and the twins where in a happy mood too.

Now got to hope I can get the same result tonight

Hi Phee. Result with the DT's sleeping! Glad you feel a little rested. What are your plans for the day?
Wet and miserable here in South Wales

Bravo Phee, fab result on the twins' sleeping front.

Really hope today is a good one, and you're able to talk to your boss and see what you can get lined up. Seize the day my love, you are brilliant and will only continue being more brilliant.

Yay! Good for you on the sleep ting Ophelia! And yes to going back to work part time asap.
Regarding contact; I knew someone whose H left her and the kids. Initially contact was sporadic and she was knackered and overwhelmed. So she took the kids there one Friday and said she would pick them up on Sunday and drove off. He was forced to step up and has done so ever since. It's best for everyone in the long run. I wouldn't let contact slip (dunno if that's the right word, just woke up).
Anyway have a good day today.

Fab news!

Great start to the week OP, well done.

I sometimes wonder when a poster has a serious thread such as this running, do they still feel able to join in on light-hearted threads or start less serious threads.

I hope they do. I hope that they can keep MN for the lighter side of life, or distraction and not just for the biggest, most difficult thing going on for them.

That's great news. See - you're doing an absolutely wonderful job.

Completely tipping it down here so am trying to think of ways to spend the morning, ds goes insane if we're at home for too long! Do you have any plans?

Onwards and upwards

That's great. :)

Everything seems easier when you've had a decent night's rest.

Hope you have a good day.

Hurray. Well done. You're great at listening to advice, and it's working for you in many different ways. God luck with the job stuff. I think it's the right move. X

OpheliaRose - You're handling things in a super positive way. Going back into the work place is a good call. It will give you an adult none child focus to your life.

There's not a lot you can do with regards to your ex socialising with friends with the other woman, it's just one of those things. I felt upset when my ex continued friendships with our mutual friends, I tried not to let it get to me, but it did. In the end it felt like if I made a scene then the friendships would come to an end, so I bowed out and moved on, it took a while but I soon created new friendship circles. Fueling gossip and telling people about the relationship breakdown may feel good to put them right, but ultimately I may come across as bad eggs, especially if the friends choose to remain pally with the OW and your ex.

I can understand things are difficult, but they will get better.