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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Affair - Learning to Cope Part 4

984 replies

OpheliaRose · 07/05/2015 19:05

Many you will have read my threads 1 2 3

I found out almost 3 weeks ago that my husband was having an affair with a girl from his work. Not only where they exchanging flirty messages but had also had blow jobs and sex at the office when confronted my Husband told me he had feelings for the OW and would be leaving me for her.

3 weeks on and the pain I feel is still unbearable, he has been spending time with OW and her child, wants to have our Twins EoW and is planning on introducing the Twins sooner rather than later as the OW will be a big part of his and their life. Heart broken doesn't even cover what I am currently feeling and experiencing

I have decided to file for divorce on grounds of adultery but as its currently stands will not be naming the OW. This is not an easy choice for me to make however I do not think it will make me feel any better because apart from the courts, me Husband and OW no one will know. They appear to feel no shame at their actions anyway so what good would it do.

I want to thank all you wonderful ladies for your continued support at this very hard time for me.

OP posts:

Smooshface · 17/05/2015 17:40

Blackout blind is essential, will help with morning wakings and to con them into bed earlier! Difficult with both of them egging on, but gradually bringing bedtime forward should work, 15 minutes each time, enough time that you can weather it if they are resistant! at least they can't read clocks yet i assume... harder to con when they hit school!

Can recommend the Julia Donaldson set of audio books (gruffallo, smartest giant in town etc), we still listen to them now in the car occasionally but may help with bedtimes! Was godsend in car when naps were being elusive.

Smooshface · 17/05/2015 17:41

podcasts on your phone - there are story ones, i think even cbeebies have one, or can download mp3s from amazon etc?

Phoenix0x0 · 17/05/2015 17:41

I second black out blinds.

As I said before, a long bath does help.

I would also try those lavender plug ins (helps you to relax) and maybe a massage after the bath?

I think you should send that email, not to ask but to tell him this is when he can have the DT. So far he has demanded this, that and the other. By doing this you are taking control.

Stinkersmum · 17/05/2015 17:46

Look in your nearest supermarket for a cd player.

Akifden · 17/05/2015 17:52

Definitely blackout blinds, I would be woken at 5 every day without them! Story CDs would be lovely and relaxing for them too, you could even lie with them.

Ledkr · 17/05/2015 18:05

Fresh air and daylight just before bed is meant to help with earky waking.
Also feed them up throughout the day, extra snacks help mine with overall calorie intake.
Gro clock doesn't work alone but it works with biscuits

Blackout blinds on Amazon, they deliver them quickly.

cumsanctuspiritu · 17/05/2015 18:13

oh yes, definitely have blackout blinds, don't know how anyone can go to sleep at child times without them! They won't completely black the room as a little gets in the sides, but work wonders, and may help with mornings.

Phoenix0x0 · 17/05/2015 18:18

Think about having the black out blinds and curtains too...double protection.

Akifden · 17/05/2015 18:21

Easyblind blackouts are great they just Velcro on and you can Velcro the edges too.

sumbodi · 17/05/2015 18:54

How do you feel about him seeing or not seeing the dts?
I have to say that I think it should not be a case of him visiting but actually being a parent. He does seem to have just opted out of parenthood. Giving him the option of seeing them just doesn't sit right with me. He is their dad and should be doing his fair share.
But that's just my opinion. You have to decide what you want to do about it. X

GERTI · 17/05/2015 18:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wristy · 17/05/2015 19:14

Yes please don't message him. If only not to give him the opportunity to let you and your boys down and over-share his plans with you.

Unfortunately you can't force him to be a good parent, this needs to come from him. Whether it does or not remains to be seen.

Phee you are a super mum, please stop criticising yourself, we all think you're awesome and we don't really know you. Imagine how ace your real friends and your family must think you are!! Xx

ELIANASGRANNY · 17/05/2015 19:24

Absolutely no to emailing. He seems to be punishing you - and ultimately the twins - since he received your solicitor's letter. He has probably seen one himself by now, and will be making demands soon enough. Leave the ball in his court for now Phee.

TurnipCake · 17/05/2015 19:25

Gerti articulated it better than I could. He walked out, you are not his social secretary to chase him down to see his children. Please do try and get some family help so that you can get some rest for yourself.

CaveMum · 17/05/2015 19:28

If you're looking for something to put on in their room, The Book People currently have the Julia Donaldson audio books on offer £9.99 instead of £40

Justusemyname · 17/05/2015 19:32

Fresh air in the afternoon helped my youngest sleep. We had blackout blinds too from birth.

Weebirdie · 17/05/2015 19:39

Spot on!

Original poster

OpheliaRose · 17/05/2015 19:42

Thanks for the advice

I will look in tesco or asda for a CD player then and i'll look at blackout blinds. I feel like i could do with some myself.

Hopefully the twins are asleep, I tried starting bedtime at 6:15 but didn't get then to stay in bed till 7 although thats an improvement on past 8.

I think i may be coming down with something which is probably why I'm feeling even more sorry for myself than usual. I have a headache again, my nose feels stuffy and my throat hurts a bit.

I've been thinking very long and hard about my options because I can't carry on running at this level of what feels like exhaustion. I think I'm going to call my old boss tomorrow and set up a meeting about going back to work. I've been looking at the 3 job details he gave me and one of them seems really good. It would also work on a part time basis so I could still have lots of time with the Twins.

Depending how that call goes I will start looking into childcare

Do you think I need to let H know my plans?

OP posts:

Phoenix0x0 · 17/05/2015 19:44

After reading what Gerti wrote re: the email, I now think this is a better idea than what I said.

The less he contacts you, it will go against him.

I also agree he is trying to punish you because of the letter.

Stay strong and change your mantra too:

'I am a strong women who puts her children first'

magoria · 17/05/2015 19:44

Nope.

None of your H's business.

Weebirdie · 17/05/2015 19:45

No love, you don't.

He no longer has any need to know anything about any plans you make.

Phoenix0x0 · 17/05/2015 19:48

I agree. He doesn't need to know...didn't he say he will only pay so much for a while anyway?

Rosieliveson · 17/05/2015 19:49

Get some echinacea or such like to help if you're run down. A good multi vitamin might help too.
My DS is generally a terrible sleeper but a banana around bedtimes helps him sleep longer. There's some science too it apparently. Was a tip from my mum.

I wouldn't offer contact with DTs. As pp previously said, you don't have to organise him anymore. Besides, surely the onus is on him to prove any allegations of withholding contact (which you arent), as much as it would be on you to prove you weren't. He's made his choices.

I wouldn't talk to him about work options either. Wait until things are set in motion and you have a job to go to etc. You don't need his input/permission to work. It's not his business anymore.

Vivacia · 17/05/2015 19:52

You really are fabulous Phee. I hope in a couple of years you consider doing a convention for your fans and admirers. It could be called PheeCon and we could all come dressed as phoenixes.

I'm not even sure that I'm joking It's been a long day.

Vivacia · 17/05/2015 19:53

Potassium I think Rosie.

Yes OP I think Operation Health Recovery is also in order.

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