Affair - Learning to Cope Part 4

[OpheliaRose]

Many you will have read my threads 1 2 3

I found out almost 3 weeks ago that my husband was having an affair with a girl from his work. Not only where they exchanging flirty messages but had also had blow jobs and sex at the office when confronted my Husband told me he had feelings for the OW and would be leaving me for her.

3 weeks on and the pain I feel is still unbearable, he has been spending time with OW and her child, wants to have our Twins EoW and is planning on introducing the Twins sooner rather than later as the OW will be a big part of his and their life. Heart broken doesn't even cover what I am currently feeling and experiencing

I have decided to file for divorce on grounds of adultery but as its currently stands will not be naming the OW. This is not an easy choice for me to make however I do not think it will make me feel any better because apart from the courts, me Husband and OW no one will know. They appear to feel no shame at their actions anyway so what good would it do.

I want to thank all you wonderful ladies for your continued support at this very hard time for me.

I agree viv, you mean when you were happily married Ophelia.

Please have a look at childcare.co.uk and get yourself a sitter. You can be there while they are in attendance of course. Just give yourself a break.

I agree Viv. Phee you need to stop using that phrase and viewing yourself in that way.

You thought you had you shitbag of an H to support you, now you don't. It doesn't mean you were smug, just deceived.

Get some of that support now from elsewhere (I appreciate it's not the same), but it might help.

I'd be asking my mum and dad over constantly and I wouldn't be shy in asking my dad to do dinner, baths and bedtime stories. Surely granny and grandad would love the chance to help out. Xx

Phee I am with you on the smug sahm then single mum stuff. Shock to the system isn't it!
Sorting out finances, no time off, no help with the house and no one to share the evening with.
And on top of that your heart and head of full of pain and anger.
I'm trying to see every tiny step I take as making me stronger and more independent after almost 20 years of co dependence.

It's not fair you are in this position.

Well I was blooming smug I will admit it. I was delighted with my marriage. Then I found out what he was up to and then I had to endure all the sorting out the single parent stuff. And yes, it was bloody tough, still is at times. But I sorted it and managed ok. And I stopped relying on him for anything. And you can do that too. You are way stronger than you think and have achieved so much already. Please stop thinking bad of yourself - you are a fabulous woman and you need to believe in yourself. Just because one arse of a man cannot appreciate your wonderful qualities it doesn't mean you are a bad person. It means you are too bloody good for him quite frankly. And if he can't see that then more fool him.

Hi Ophelia,
I haven't commented before but I've been following, and I think you are doing amazingly. My dh works away a lot, and I had 3 under 4, when he used to be away 2 months at a time, so I think I know how you feel with respect to the coping with littles and the sheer exhaustion and repetitiveness of it. I know it gets better as they get older, so hang on to that, and it gets a lot easier with them at school/preschool. I do think getting back to work (you had mentioned that?) would help lots - I really struggled with everything in my life being about them and no one being interested in me (in my case, they all gave sympathy to my dh being in a war zone... I wanted to scream sympathise with me!!!!). I can't offer you any advice on coping, because you seem to be doing all the right things, taking respite when you can get it, going to bed early (I was prone to staying up late just to get some me time then paying for it at 5am wake up!), but what about looking at your children going to preschool/nursery a couple of mornings a week? I think you said they're nearly 3? Do they qualify for free time there yet? They'd probably benefit from the company and environment, and you definitely would benefit - I felt guilty with this when I did it for me (to study) but it was great for all of us, so no need for guilt. And if you do go back to work it will give them a more gradual intro than suddenly full on into it. Also lets you try out the place while not completely dependent on it working.

Just keep going,
xx

Yy to free places at nursery - they must qualify for 15 or so hours in September, so you could start finding out now where the best local nurseries are, or if there is one attached to the school you plan to send them to, and get their names down.

Mine were v. early wakers and my dh worked away a lot too when they were little. I too remember that time when they dropped naps, before nursery started, as the most exhausting of all. Making sure that I had one or two days a week when I went to bed at 8pm with the kids and slept right through to 5am, made a huge difference to my sanity levels and made everything else a little easier to deal with (though I didn't have an errant stbxh making life even more stressful too.)

So glad that you were able to clarify matters with your friends. Hope that you are able to wear those twins out in the sunshine today: a blanket/picnic tea in a field of daisies might be fun and give you time to chill out a bit whilst they charge around in the fresh air . . . ?

Thinking of you

I just worry I look pathetic and whingey Comapred to all single parents that cope every day!

If this was a good friend going through is, would you judge them as pathetic and whingey?

I think its time for you to stop this sort of attitude and be kind to yourself. Trying to think in terms of how you'd be thinking if you were looking in at a friend's situation may help you to do this.

Phee don't feel bad about ANYTHING my lovely.

You are only human - there will be times when you have no motivation- you are not a robot .

Sometimes (a lot of the time!) life is about survival- just getting through the day to the point where your head hits the pillow at night . So please allow yourself to "be" let those self derogatory thoughts slip away like Teflon from your mind.

Your DTs need food, shelter and love. They have those things. In terms of what they need from you , they need a caring, emotionally responsive mummy. And YOU have evidenced that all the way through your threads.

You must have more compassion for yourself Phee - remember none of this is a reflection on you - the only thing that is a reflection on you is your response to their behaviour - with strength, emotional maturity, dignity , and the way that you have put your children's interests first protecting them from the conflict. Under such extreme stress managing to achieve all this is a testament to your values ,your morals , and brilliant role modelling for your DTs.

Ophelia WF could never be as good a partner or mother as you are - because her heart just doesn't have the capacity. Whatever she looks like on the outside really doesn't matter- because on the inside she is rotten - and will never be able to nurture any loved ones like you do. So with that , SHE is the loser from the outset Phee. Not you. x

Have you thought of planting some sunflower seeds in pots with DTs as a little activity? You can pot them in plastic beakers if you wanted, cover with cling film for a couple of weeks, keep watered and let the DTs check them everyday for germination.

Get in garden, water and clean paint brushes to paint fence or paving stones if you have some, chalk is also good. if you have any washing up liquid bottles empty fill them with water too. Should mean you can sit and watch to a certain extent! Picnic in garden is good too, minimal cleanup after

Glad you told gossipy friend. Hope word gets out!

Oh and if they are up at five, no nap until bed at 8 means they are only getting 9 hours sleep, I would aim for a much earlier bedtime if this is regular occurrence. More like 6:30 for that waking time in my opinion! Try move it earlier each day if you really don't think they are tired so early, but just watch for eye rubbing and winding down after dinner and see if you can get them settled

My DS is nearly 3, he is exhausting so I can't imagine what having two would be like!!

RE FB, I am sure someone has suggested this already, but you don't want to un-freind you can un-follow the people who are posting pics of twunt and WF. I have just found out how to do this to my SIL. My partner had a ONS at her wedding so the OW is her friend. As they are both Finnish everything that comes up on my feed from her just rubs it in, even if it is nothing to do with OW. You go on one of their posts and in the top right hand corner there is a 'v'. If you click on it a drop down menu has the un-follow option.

Oh and by the way - you are doing great and I think it is a good idea to reconnect with friends you have lost touch with since having the twins. Its good and perfectly normal to reestablish a social network and you have every right to thell them the truth about what happened

If once of my friends did what he has done but was open and honest about it I would tell him what I thought about it in no uncertain terms, but he would still be my friend. But if I found out later that he had lied and cheated to his friends as well I would not want him in my life. Soon more and more people will see what a deluded lying man-child he is.

(Was Finnish an autocorrect?).

Thinking of you Ophelia,
Just a suggestion on sleep (feel free to ignore)-I have 3 children under 4 including twins and they're all in bed by 7-7:30-bed time routine starts at 6. To combat early waking I gave milk in their cots. Keep lights off. They tended to go back to sleep with minimal fuss and eventually didn't wake up for the milk. Gro clocks might help. You might have to be a bit strict at first-if they're used to getting up early-but a few nights of consistency should work a treat. I know you didn't ask for this advice but more rest for you should make a difference (and also a shorter day with the twins will be less tiring!)

Vivacia, no, nor a Freudian slip - they are from Finland

Thinking of you Phee x

Phee, just a thought, and I'm not saying this to make life harder for you, but maybe the DT's are clingier and needier than normal because life has changed tenfold for them too. Poor mites, and poor you. Engage more help from your family - the three of you need support.

Your shitbag H is unbelievable. Am I right in saying that he hasn't asked to see the DT's since last week? I don't know what you all (everyone on this thread) think, but should Phee do anything to protect herself from any accusations that she is withholding contact?

You are not a bad Mum. Repeat ad infinitum.
The three of you have been let down badly

Perhaps an email stating that the children would like to see him. Then state they will be available on x days at xyz times. Short, to the point, although I would be tempted to chuck in a bit of sarcastic bitchiness about ' if he isn't too busy with his wonderful new friend helping him through these dark times'

I'm sure someone else will have better advice though.

Are you claiming benefits yet?
I wonder if you qualify for the two year old funding.
If not make your husband pay for some childcare.
I'm shocked at how little he is seeing them tbh.
As for earky waking I have 4 yrs of 5am waking and ive finslly relented and leave biscuits and s drink in her room and tell her not to come up till the sun is up on her gro clock.
Is that worth a try?

I've got a gro clock but doesn't seem to do much good. I was wondering about those black out blinds you can get to put up anywhere but I'm not sure what keeps waking them up!

No he hasn't mentioned seeing them. Do you think I should email stating that they will be available Tuesday night for tea and Saturday lunch time same arrangements as before. That way I've given him the option??

Not really sure how I've survived today I've never felt quite so run down before. I known should just go to bed early but as another poster said I find myself staying up just to have some time to myself and also I've started to feel like I'm wasting my life by just sleeping too much

I've tried putting them to bed at 6ish but they just howl cry and tell me they're not tired and won't all asleep till around 8. One night I sat and sang songs for almost 2 hours I felt like I was going to crack.

I have the same problem with my 2yo. We have black out curtains, blinds, a gro clock, nothing works. Bedtime is hellish, she just doesn't sleep and doesn't nap. I know exactly how draining it is, so please reach out for help from family. You need a break just as any parent does.

How do you feel about his lack of contact re the DTs? Does he text to ask how they are or has he been silent about them all week?

I'd be tempted to leave him be, the fact he's not seeing them gives him one less thing to claim to be decent about, but your DTs needs are the most important thing here.

I wouldn't rely on him for anything.
You will be gutted if he is busy Tuesday. If he wants to see the DT's he knows what to do.

I am so sorry Ophelia.
Please start looking at other childcare options.

Phee, see what some of the others think before sending an email - we have some wise women here but I'm afraid I'm one of the more knee-jerk less rational ones and I don't want to suggest anything that will make your situation worse.

When my 3 were small, I found that their patterns changed as quickly as they arrive, but when you're in the throes of fatigue, it feels like forever.
Black out blinds are such a must. This is really important I think.

What about story CD's? I really rate audio stories - nothing else as I think images on tv's etc stimulate them and don't encourage good sleep. But a nice soothing story where you can lie down with them and listen with them? It'll save your voice and your energy at the end of a long day. Also, don't underestimate the effects of silence, perhaps soothing low music, low lighting (draw curtains - get those blackout blinds!) and a really warm bath can have. Put their noisy toys it of reach and out of sight until daytime, so idle wandering hands cannot start anything that'll stimulate them at bedtime.

As frustrating as it it and as tempting as it is to yell say that Mummy is tired, how about trying the yawning my rubbing eyes, sleepy face acting and lying down with them. I used to do this a lot!

Speak to your parents. Get regular help to support you through this stage.

Phee, I wouldnt send the mail. Just leave it to him to suggest something.

I would also get blackout blinds, and I would put the children to bed for 'down time'. Let them listen to a story book or something and I think in few weeks they'll be sleeping within half an hour of going to bed. Do not sit in the room singing to them for 2 hours.

xxx

My brother had trouble sleeping as a child so my mum had a cassette player in his room and he used to listen to audio books from the Library on it. I thought I trying something similar but when I went to Argos the cheapest CD player is £22 and even then it wasn't in stock so I was looking at £40! Seemed a bit over the top