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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Affair - Learning to Cope Part 4

984 replies

OpheliaRose · 07/05/2015 19:05

Many you will have read my threads 1 2 3

I found out almost 3 weeks ago that my husband was having an affair with a girl from his work. Not only where they exchanging flirty messages but had also had blow jobs and sex at the office when confronted my Husband told me he had feelings for the OW and would be leaving me for her.

3 weeks on and the pain I feel is still unbearable, he has been spending time with OW and her child, wants to have our Twins EoW and is planning on introducing the Twins sooner rather than later as the OW will be a big part of his and their life. Heart broken doesn't even cover what I am currently feeling and experiencing

I have decided to file for divorce on grounds of adultery but as its currently stands will not be naming the OW. This is not an easy choice for me to make however I do not think it will make me feel any better because apart from the courts, me Husband and OW no one will know. They appear to feel no shame at their actions anyway so what good would it do.

I want to thank all you wonderful ladies for your continued support at this very hard time for me.

OP posts:
Weebirdie · 18/05/2015 09:08

We'll be having to get our name changed to 'Fabulous Phee' because thats what you are Fabulous!

Weebirdie · 18/05/2015 09:48

your name.

MilesHuntsWig · 18/05/2015 09:52

Good luck today and well done with the DTs.

Smooshface · 18/05/2015 11:08

Hooray for more sleep!

Did I second the Julia Donaldson books yet? They are fab, we still listen to them in the car and I love Smartest Giant in Town so much, I still say 'Cheer up' in that way!

Sounds like you have some things to sort out today. I'd suggest investigating childcare now, decide if you want to do childminder or nursery and get in contact, as can take a few weeks to do settling sessions

MaMaof04 · 18/05/2015 18:25

Fab Phee Sorry I disappeared for a while-I was on a trip- for a long week-end which I and the kids extended up to now- My H had to work earl today.
I have been thinking of you. I am glad things are fabulously progressing.
I am adopting the name suggested by wee.
So Good Night Fab Phee.

GERTI · 18/05/2015 18:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ledkr · 18/05/2015 18:33

Well done with the sleeping phee
I remember when knobhead left and dd was only 8 months.
I decided that as a lone parent I could no longer be waking up all night so I sat on the stairs and did a bit of sleep training to sort it out.
It's amazing what u can do when faced with a challenge.

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 18/05/2015 19:26

Well I think it's been a successful day my old boss suggested o come in for a chat about the job on Wednesday so I be sure if it's the right one for me and can meet the people id be working with.

Twins have been playing up a bit. Still struggling getting them into bed tonight. I have a headache again and what feels like a head cold

OP posts:
Christinayanglah · 18/05/2015 19:28

It sounds like you are run down and it's not surprising

sumbodi · 18/05/2015 19:33

Your boss sounds eager...
Clearly you are a valued employee.
You are bloody awesome!

MaMaof04 · 18/05/2015 19:35

Fab Phee can you get your mum to be with the twins tomorrow when you relax a bit? Do you have some good painkillers and some good herbal tea? I hope you will find a way to feel better and snug under your new duvet and enjoy it (Tonic water with painkillers or the 5IN1 Beechams do wonder to me!) Good Night! Hugs and kisses to you and DTs!

mamaneedsamojito · 18/05/2015 19:38

Can Part 5 be called 'Affair - Fab Phee Kicks Arse' ??

Rosieliveson · 18/05/2015 20:12

That's great Fab Phee. Your boss must think very highly of you. I think working is a great idea. You'll need that 'grown up' time and it will, as you say, be good for getting your social life going again.
Sorry the twins aren't going to bed so easily tonight. Hopefully they will still sleep though.
What do you have for your cold? I once has a cold a few days before Christmas and was determined to shake it quickly. I found the lemsip capsules pretty good and I drank a lot of water. It sounds a bit gross but always blowing rather than any sniffing will helps to stop the cold moving to my chest too x

Vivacia · 18/05/2015 20:13

How's your diet? Are you eating any better than you were?

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 18/05/2015 20:16

mamaneedsamojito that made me laugh

i'm eating a bowl of miso soup watching dirty dancing again. plan to go to bed soon but my fae is hurting from blocked sinuses

OP posts:
Rosieliveson · 18/05/2015 20:21

Could you try a steam bowl to help your sinuses before bed?

Phoenix0x0 · 18/05/2015 20:23

Or call it:

Part 5 - affair, fab phee kicks arse wearing her skinny jeans

SignoraStronza · 18/05/2015 20:24

Phee, one way of making your sinuses do that delicious popping thing, and clearing them for a bit, is to give your feet a good squeeze and prod. Can't remember the exact area you need to focus on but it really works. Bonkers but true!
Brilliant news about the job. Just shows how well regarded and capable you are. Hope you're feeling better soon. Flowers

SuffolkNWhat · 18/05/2015 21:03

Great news about the job, the feet thing does work for sinus stuff

soulfuleyes · 18/05/2015 21:05

signora

It's the toes for the sinuses and it does work!

CookPassBabtrigde · 18/05/2015 21:14

Ophelia I have recently discovered this

I have a poorly baby at the minute and it helps him drift off nicely. I just put it on my phone on low volume, it's worth a try?

You are doing incredibly well by the way, and I am so angry to read how your H has been behaving. Advice on here has been excellent as always. Stay strong, you are one amazing mama.

Dumdedumdedum · 19/05/2015 05:26

Good morning, Fab Phee! Congratulations on everything! Hope you and the twins slept well and you are looking forward to going to the office tomorrow.
I'm a bit Shock at your H's lack of commitment to his children. Is it if he can't control you through them, he's not interested? Or did he find coping with them over the week-end just too much like hard work, I wonder? Or has his solicitor told him to do nothing? It's a bit odd, given that at first he said he wanted to co-parent with you. Could I suggest that next time he texts you about seeing the children, you suggest to him what you would like as a regular pattern for his seeing them, so that are being cooperative, but on your terms?
Have a good day, you are doing fabulously well!

addstudentdinners2 · 19/05/2015 09:24

My Dad was a really hands-on, great Dad until I was twelve, when he buggered off with my Mum's best friend. Since then he's been absolutely crap, doesn't bother getting in touch very often, was never that bothered about seeing us as kids (despite proclamations of how much he loved us etc etc) and not that bothered about seeing us as adults.

Not saying that will happen with your dirtbag H Phee but be prepared for it x

FriendofBill · 19/05/2015 13:02

Hi Opehelia,

How are you today m' dear?
Just dropping by to say I am thinking of you.
BrewCake

MaMaof04 · 19/05/2015 13:52

Heloo Fab Phee How is your headache today? How are the twins?
You know I also have twins. It is tough work. The first years I was like a wreck. You are amazingly coping with them and with the situation. And you know what, the level of happiness people find in any situation depends very much on themselves. You were smug and happy in your marriage and in your SAHM position - not because you were married to Mr Perfect, or Mr Right but because YOU were part of this marriage and YOU were the Mum and YOU made the house becomes home. He has destroyed a marriage he could have benefited from- but he did not destroy YOU as a person or as a mum. So please stop being so harsh on yourself.

I have been thinking about the terms of the divorce: try to bring him to contribute to all kind of extra expenses- not only child-minding but also extra-curricular activities, especially therapies sessions (twins usually have some little problems with motor coordination/speech that are easily corrected via therapies- but these therapies can be very expensive) and also maybe special medications (mine need Ritalin for instance.)

I just read about their pics in FB. Like many wise ladies said above: wait until the divorce is pronounced and then make it clear to your common friends that he left you and your twins to be with her when you discovered the affair. It is just fair to spell out clearly the situation to people who live with you. Maybe you might use FB the day the divorce is pronounced to write a post along the lines : Today the divorce has been finalized. As you all know he left me and he left the twins to go with WF the day after I discovered the affair. It was tough and it is still tough for me. After all we have been over 10 years together and I never ever thought that my twins will grow without their father in their daily life background. However I still hope that I will be able to give them the best and most secure upbringing they deserve. I want to thank all the friends who supported me in these difficult times and who will, I hope, continue to be an invaluable part of my life and of the life of my DT. .. ' Fab Phee I hope you had another productive day and that the twins have not been too naughty. Big Hugs!