HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on ...part 7

[Izzie595]

Nobody understands the fully devastating impact of the ending of a marriage unless and until they experience it themselves.

Welcome to Hobbit's Bar. Thread number 7.

This is the place where we meet to let it all out, to share experiences, to get support, and maybe give support if and when we feel able. And also to sometimes have a good laugh about things, because Hell, we've earned the right to laugh!

The bar is owned by Hobbit. She is adorable, kind, and bonkers. And lazy. So we take turns in running the bar for her ladyship.

I'm the latest proprietor of the bar. Izzie Age 54. Married 30 years. Two young adult sons living with me. Husband left to live with OW on Halloween last year. Very appropriate! No moves towards divorce or financial settlement at present. I started posting my own stuff on MN at the start of the year. Best thing I ever did. Well, I've had better successes in life, but you get my point, yes? I've been through the whole range of emotions, backwards, forwards, round and round: it's not a linear process by any means. And it does seem common to have a huge crash at 4 to 6 months on. Today I'm meh. Mostly.

There are a range of experiences in the Bar, generally at any one time. Examples: the early stages of separation; negotiating; legal matters; abuse in all forms; feeling stronger; having a major crash again; dealing with fuckwittery from the exes; financial worries; issues involving both young and adult children; moving towards the Mecca that is "meh". Basically, the whole works. Believe me, whatever you are currently experiencing, you are not alone.

My advice to any newbies: just jump in, but if you have the time and inclination, try reading all of the threads. You will see real women experiencing their bleakest moments, their progress, their dips, their innermost thoughts.

Rules of The Bar

1. Don't ask to join just come in.
2. The phrase Party Pooper is banned. We may be having a good old giggle sometimes but someone in need must interrupt whatever is going on. We can't all be in sync, but someone in need ALWAYS takes priority.
3. You are not obliged to give advice, reply to any posts, there are no expectations of you. Take what you want from the thread.

And just to ease you in, here are a few things you may wish to know:

1. An Izzietini is the bar drink.
2. A number 6 refers to rule number 6 in Hobbit's Twunts list. Reasons why they do things. Because they are....... erm, no, the answer is not "misguided".
3. Mother, WellWhoKnew or WWK. Recently divorced, previous proprietor of the Bar and a legend of MN to those who followed her own threads. Also a legend on here for her straightforward advice. And keeps us in order.
4. Some of the posters also have their own threads. I hope they will do a link for you.
5. There's a bad case of exclamationitis on here. Occurs when trying to put in a comma on ipad, but it auto corrects to an exclamation mark. So if you post and get a dodgy comment back, eg "Have you thought about counselling! sounds like you need help!".....please believe us that we are not sarky cows. Because the rule of exclamationitis is that we only spot it after we have posted!
6. Our sayings are Shit, this is hard and KOKO, keep on keeping on.
7. Our theme tune to keep us going, is below.
8. Jess is our sausage snuffling mascot. Owned by Hobbit, she pops up every now and again to entertain us and to dispense her own brand of advice. She says it as it is. She is currently busy knitting herself some new hats.

At the start of the year Fontella posted this on the first thread:

"Can I just say as more of a reader rather than a participant on this thread (I got shot of my lying, conniving, controlling ex 10 years ago) that this is fast turning into my favourite thread. Lots of powerful, courageous and funny (in a good way) women all coming together and supporting each other through an incredibly painful time. You are all fabulous!"

I couldn't have put it better myself.

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

I was being nice (heaven knows why when he has been anything but over the years). I had said I didn't want a share of his bonuses. Or for him to sell his nice car. Or his boats. All I want is a fair amount for the DC. I've agreed to sell the house and move to somewhere smaller in a less nice area. I'm not sure how much more fair I can be.

He just keeps giving me spreadsheets of figures, calculations of benefits, details of part time jobs. Even now he's trying to control every aspect of my life.

Toast ha solicitors can be like that! My solicitor made no comment when we received a proposal from stbx which gave be 10% of the house proceeds!

Presumably you are in the family home with (young?) DC

You are not necessarily screwed. It depends on how much money there is in the "pot" to enable you all to move on and exist - which is basically what you want!

Easiest thing is to use the wikivorce calculator here . This will give you a very rough idea.

As Izzie will tell you, I like a good spreadsheet! So...if you know all the figures re income/expenditure and what all the assets are...

Or you could write all your expenses on a spreadsheet, including the DCs. Then write his expenses in another column. Deduct from respective income (your income will be stuff like child maintenance, benefit, tax credits etc) and see what's left. If his figure is + and yours in - then spousal benefit might be appropriate.

Very important to make sure you have any pension CETV valuations.

Your mediator has probably given you forms re reasonable needs etc, but if you want a blank copy of one I have, then PM me your email address and I'll send you one.

There are a lot of things to take into account, and I'm sure you've been told about Section 25 of the Matrimonial Causes Act. General split is 60-70% to you and 30-40% to him.

You should also request that any child maintenance be paid till the end of tertiary education (ie uni)

My youngest DC is 8.

I have all the figures, I just need to sit down and calculate it all. He has done it for me, but I need to check its correct.

He has agreed to pay until end of uni but wants to pay it direct to DC. Which is fine but I will still have bills at home to pay!

bobs you know I've yet to go down this route,,,,but surely a solicitor should be offering some guidance?

toast he wants to pay it direct to an 8 year old?? What planet is he on!!

toast oh! you mean pay direct when they are of age ? Sorry, just that nothing surprises me anymore

Sorry Toast he sounds like me re spreadsheets

Re the mortgage, well at least he would be able to get a mortgage if he has a job, whereas you wouldn't be considered atm - a point to remember!

Re being nice - been there, still there, next week might possibly be a very different story.

Re fair amount for DC - well he could be paying child maintenance as a set amount of his gross income - if he doesn't, go straight to the CMS (used to be CSA) Your sol can work out the amount using his gross income.

And anything over £500 has to valued and added to the assets schedule (nice car, boats etc)

Re selling the house, I realise you can become very attached to the family home, but rather than stay and struggle to pay the bills, it might be better as you say to move "down a step" At least then you won't be worrying about the bills so much.

Yes to the eldest. Not my 8 year old. Although frankly he would do that if he could I think!

Oh I offered to sell the house straight out. Was the first thing I told the solicitor. It costs a fortune to upkeep and the DC aren't happy here. What I meant was I didn't have to do that, I could have insisted on staying.
I don't mind him doing his own spreadsheets but I don't need to have mine done for me. It's a control thing and all part of treating me like I'm an idiot.

Toast I know of Dad's who pay direct to the DC when it comes to uni. Works ok, but you have to take into account they spend 5 months at home out of the year!

Izzie solicitors can be very vague. It would be nice to have one who says - "well I think that's bloody stupid" or some such! However when they produce their own p/w there tends to be a little % split next to the last column, as in 60/40.

Re bills you have to pay - i think it is becoming more the norm nowadays to pay spousal for about 4 years while you get back on your feet and find a job. However it is also important to note the chances are you will not ever have as highly paid a job as him, hence the asset split in your favour

Hi girls, sorry haven't been in the bar...ill again. This lung condition is a illness that keeps on giving. So now drugged up to the eyeballs!

Ali...I think police officers appear to have some sort of bloody handbook to turn to when they want to walk away/abandon/destroy their wives. I could actually write the same words as you. I understand exactly what that bastard is doing to you. Do not think it's your fault. They twist everything.

As Izzie said about role paying at home. Tick that bloody box as well. The weasel thought it was funny to hold me so that I couldn't get out of his grip. He thought it was funny when he drove too fast but his excuse was he was an advanced police driver - so he had a divine right to act like a twat!

Frizzy...the weird shell thing...I so get it. I remember a tv program from the 80's called V and under the human skin was a green reptile/ lizard thing. It's like they've been taken over.

Toast/Good...yep the twats think we don't deserve anything. I've got to take the weasel to court for the financials. The future scares the shit out of me. However, I know that I'm intelligent enough to be able to budget, and if it means beans on toast (or nettles) for a few years then so be it. My children won't go without despite what that f ing weasel does.

why ali the friend I mentioned earlier told me that he would go through his interrogation type things to show her, and tie her up verbally. She's really frightened of the way he can twist things, scared the. Courts etc won't recognise it. I think I put on here about how he goaded her and then filmed her getting angry. he's spent a long time telling her she has a mental condition. She most definitely does not.

why and so sorry you've been bad with the lung condition.

OMG! izzie again I felt exactly like your friend. I was so sure the weasel would win in court because of his training etc but the judge and the CAFCASS officer actually saw what he was like.

The weasel talks quietly then when I react he blames me for example he sits in his car with the window down a few inches then says something about taking the children and not bringing them back etc - I snap back and he then sends a solicitors letter saying that I am psychologically damaging the children with my behaviour!

why I told her about what happened in court with the weasel. Hope it may help her a bit

why that example, it really is evil

whoops forgot to introduce myself as it's a new thread.

...
Name: WhyMe2014
Mum: 2 DD 12 and 5
Status: Divorcing weasel for adultery (didn't name the bitch but wish I had now) - Nisi agreed April
Marriage: with him 23 years - married for 14 - he left August 2014 - he's a police officer with an f ing gun!
Background: ...

He swore there was nobody else but low and behold I discover the OW in September. He has then tried to destroy me.

I can admit now that he was EA. I have completed the Freedom programme twice and he fits every type described.

He cancelled my utility bills (took credits), took all our savings (including some of the childrens), took the car with the help of the Police, accused me of domestic violence (he said that I had hit him on numerous occasions in front of the children - actually he is the perpetrator not me), stalked me, harassed me, threatened to take the children (on numerous occasions), took me to court and the list goes on.

He also informed me that he had been using prostitutes and meeting women from plenty of fish.com between shifts.

I also have a rare lung condition and I have been off sick since last May. Then my poor mum passed away in December. I miss her dreadfully.

He took me to court in March and he turned up 45 mins late, CAFCASS said he was belligerent and the Judge wasn't impressed. He is using the children as a weapon to hurt me. We're back in court in June.

He's also stopped my child maintenance.

Despite getting a court order he continually tries to get out of the conditions. He just cannot comply.

He has also said that he is getting married directly our divorce comes through to the OW who is 9 years younger than me (she's also a police officer) .

She has also threatened me with harassment. (I haven't done anything to her...it was her number ringing my landline etc).

I now refer to them as the 'slag and weasel'.

Some days I cope and others days I just get by using my finger tips to hold on.

I wake up sometimes and don't believe it's happened...the pain is so intense.

I've been pushed onto benefits through no fault of my own. I've been humiliated and crushed by the person who was supposed to love me.

My whole life with him appears to have been a sham and as a result I don't really know who I am anymore.

On the plus side...I have made some wonderful friends on mumsnet who have been supportive despite also dealing their own issues. I also now have a circle of RL friends who I would never have meet if it wasn't for him. I try to accept ever invitation now.

...Apologies for copying most of this from Hobbits part 5 - I'am a lazy cow!

Future...Having to go to court for the financials...dreading it. The future scares the hell out of me.

If someone had told me in May 2014 that my life was going to be destroyed I wouldn't have believed them.

I suspect that DC are probably much more aware than I think. izzie, you're right- youngest especially I think. He also has a tricky relationship with his dad. HRT not been good with teenagers in the house. Has ludicrously high expectations of them. He himself was a nightmare as a teenager according to his parents whereas ours have not really been much trouble at all - other than the usual teenage issues of laziness and messiness.

ali Good to hear of positive outcomes from others. I guess it's swings and roundabouts really. I can't deny that it's been stressful acting out happy families, but there again I've bought myself some time. He wanted to leave a few months back - I feel stronger now and more prepared for what lies ahead.

I doubt there's a parent in the land who hasn't worried about rows that have taken place in front of children. We've had plenty - they've survived - not that I'm proud of the fact.

Weird that POs behaving badly is a theme here. Maybe it's a power thing?

Anyway, I'm heading to bed now. Hope everyone manages a good night's sleep. Koko xx

Hello Why sorry that you are ill with your lung condition. I hope you have an improvement soon. How are you feeling at the moment. x

thanks izzie - the lungs condition usually takes a back seat to the divorce so I was probably pushing myself too hard.

If your friend needs any help tell her to get herself onto this thread and I'll pm her.

You're right it was evil and unfortunately I have lots more examples.

Night 1 sleep well. x

just catching up on a few more posts and it looks like you've put your own threads on so here's mine...

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2178840-Husband-has-walked-out-doesnt-love-me-anymore

first time I've added a link so hope it works.

why thank you! I will. I've given her the thread details.

Ok I'm off to bed shortly. I must start having earlier nights. KOKO all xx

Hi whyme your ex weasel sound similar to me but without the gun . heading for the financials which is scary and you know they will lie through there arses

Sorry forgot to reply to PMs again!