HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on ...part 7

[Izzie595]

Nobody understands the fully devastating impact of the ending of a marriage unless and until they experience it themselves.

Welcome to Hobbit's Bar. Thread number 7.

This is the place where we meet to let it all out, to share experiences, to get support, and maybe give support if and when we feel able. And also to sometimes have a good laugh about things, because Hell, we've earned the right to laugh!

The bar is owned by Hobbit. She is adorable, kind, and bonkers. And lazy. So we take turns in running the bar for her ladyship.

I'm the latest proprietor of the bar. Izzie Age 54. Married 30 years. Two young adult sons living with me. Husband left to live with OW on Halloween last year. Very appropriate! No moves towards divorce or financial settlement at present. I started posting my own stuff on MN at the start of the year. Best thing I ever did. Well, I've had better successes in life, but you get my point, yes? I've been through the whole range of emotions, backwards, forwards, round and round: it's not a linear process by any means. And it does seem common to have a huge crash at 4 to 6 months on. Today I'm meh. Mostly.

There are a range of experiences in the Bar, generally at any one time. Examples: the early stages of separation; negotiating; legal matters; abuse in all forms; feeling stronger; having a major crash again; dealing with fuckwittery from the exes; financial worries; issues involving both young and adult children; moving towards the Mecca that is "meh". Basically, the whole works. Believe me, whatever you are currently experiencing, you are not alone.

My advice to any newbies: just jump in, but if you have the time and inclination, try reading all of the threads. You will see real women experiencing their bleakest moments, their progress, their dips, their innermost thoughts.

Rules of The Bar

1. Don't ask to join just come in.
2. The phrase Party Pooper is banned. We may be having a good old giggle sometimes but someone in need must interrupt whatever is going on. We can't all be in sync, but someone in need ALWAYS takes priority.
3. You are not obliged to give advice, reply to any posts, there are no expectations of you. Take what you want from the thread.

And just to ease you in, here are a few things you may wish to know:

1. An Izzietini is the bar drink.
2. A number 6 refers to rule number 6 in Hobbit's Twunts list. Reasons why they do things. Because they are....... erm, no, the answer is not "misguided".
3. Mother, WellWhoKnew or WWK. Recently divorced, previous proprietor of the Bar and a legend of MN to those who followed her own threads. Also a legend on here for her straightforward advice. And keeps us in order.
4. Some of the posters also have their own threads. I hope they will do a link for you.
5. There's a bad case of exclamationitis on here. Occurs when trying to put in a comma on ipad, but it auto corrects to an exclamation mark. So if you post and get a dodgy comment back, eg "Have you thought about counselling! sounds like you need help!".....please believe us that we are not sarky cows. Because the rule of exclamationitis is that we only spot it after we have posted!
6. Our sayings are Shit, this is hard and KOKO, keep on keeping on.
7. Our theme tune to keep us going, is below.
8. Jess is our sausage snuffling mascot. Owned by Hobbit, she pops up every now and again to entertain us and to dispense her own brand of advice. She says it as it is. She is currently busy knitting herself some new hats.

At the start of the year Fontella posted this on the first thread:

"Can I just say as more of a reader rather than a participant on this thread (I got shot of my lying, conniving, controlling ex 10 years ago) that this is fast turning into my favourite thread. Lots of powerful, courageous and funny (in a good way) women all coming together and supporting each other through an incredibly painful time. You are all fabulous!"

I couldn't have put it better myself.

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

We went to mediation last year, he had absolutely no intention of talking. He stormed off when things weren't going his way. It was just so he could say he'd tried so he could take me to court over the children.

I have been trying to get finances sorted for a year. He has been told at least three times that the division of assets for married couples is not as simple as a 50/50 split because of the children. He has ignored the advice and carried on anyway. It is tiring and frustrating and expensive having to deal with such a person. He is the most irrational person - as far as I can remember he used to be normal. It is very odd and without sounding too dramatic I think he is really quite unwell.

Either that or he is just pure evil. I guess thinking he's unwell is slightly easier for me to get my head around seeing as I have children with him...

I was thinking earlier (don't laugh!) that there's loads of memes on our threads, which are both brilliantly amusing but at the same time generic. That's not to say they aren't inspirational, (or that I don't laugh - the Groupon thing has definitely tickled!)...but actually there's things others have written that have really resonated with me. A kind of 'wow, that's a really good point, I hadn't though of it like that' comment generated by other posters. I thought it might be a handy way of showing the ages and stages and disparages (work with me here!) of how we' re slowly adjusting. Obviously all of our circumstances are different, so different things will resonate. But it might provide a useful summary of the last seven threads if we meme'd something another poster said in our intros on the next thread:

Off the top of my head, I can always recall:

He's turned into his father - just be fucking grateful he left (Izzie).

There's nothing wrong with you, what's wrong is what's happened to you (unknown- but I always think it sums up the ordeal that we're going through)

He's a cunt (Hobbit). Succinct and to the point.

And, those 'memorable' moments that can bring a smile to your face when you recall it. It could be a very poignant, very sad thing you've read, but later, the poster has completely changed perspective...

For me, it was Family's: "I've cost my children their father". Later, she realised that he had squandered his family. Not her.

Or something that just makes you guffaw:

For me, it was Iwas disclosing her husband's sideburns and we all jumped on the notion of hanging on to them during 'ahem'...I have absolutely no idea why I find this hysterically funny, but I do.

Anyway, bed is beckoning. I've had a friend stay this weekend. She was really shocked by my weightloss (I'm still heading in a downward direction!) and she's aware that I've had a fit of the depressions, but on the other hand, she's a brilliant friend who lets me talk about stuff. And I'm as busy as a bee because I've got two second interviews, and I've just had one final interview (round three), so I'm feeling more optimistic about the near future. But I am dog tired of hearing 'you're too over qualified...' All I want is a job and to feel productive. They all pay not enough so they are getting a bargain...and I don't mind starting over. I really don't. I just want a job that I can do well. And if that means going back several stages, I'm fine about that. Right now, I just want to 'move on' incrementally. I will be back at my brilliant best in the future, but right now, I've already done that job very well in the past. So I can do it again right now.

But this month I've been flat out with freelance work (pays a pittance but met all my outgoings this month...woo-hoo!). So this sacked housewife is slowly getting her shit together and just starting to worship at the mecca of meh.

Good night well
I've just been in setting down dd who is finding things very hard. She got into bed with me then got me to rub her head until she fell asleep.
Maybe I'm not the shit mother h thinks I am. Don't see him rubbing her head for an hour and a half in the middle of the night to calm her down !

Must have been the weekend for it - sent a photo of all his shit at the front door and told him to come and get it. It's been sitting there for weeks. I suppose while it is still here we feel that somehow it isn't all really happening? Or even that they will come back? ( if that is what we wanted)
This followed on from yet more fucking disgraceful selfish behaviour thinking only about himself and no contact with our son in over a week when he is going through relationship upsets himself. He really has turned into the most selfish man ( the complete opposite of what he always was) - you do wonder why/how this has happened ? How can someone change SO completely ? Disregard the son that was their utter pride and joy and in fact his obsession in recent years...now he is running about like a twat dressed in clothes that a young man slim would wear and looking like a - twat - he isn't exactly a small person. He actually looks like he is a bit of a madman - people look at him weirdly but he doesn't see it. He embarrasses our son on the odd occasion when he does turn up at a sporting event. In fact our son said last night that he is just fucking sick of him and what he is doing. How sad is that?

wise he will soon learn that you reap what you sow, he is an idiot and your son is wise. At least he still has you

Can't believe this thread is nearly almost finished, only feels like yesterday it started!

And so dd is too exhausted and stressed to get up after last night's nighttime adventures. Let's hope she does exactly the same when she goes to stay with him tonight. He'll not entertain her in the middle of the night. He would barely get up if she was vomiting when he was still here! Part of me almost wants to let her sleep on just so he can get a dose of what I'm going through. Though no doubt he'd be fecking wonderful at it just for now

Can I add another meme there WHK. That would be familyof3 "he's just pure evil." Pure evil. Sometimes it's hard to think of a better, more logical explanation for some of the things that are going on here.

Good morning all, I'm so glad to see you're feeling more positive on the job front, WWK , as you say, they'll be getting a bargain, as you are priceless!

I believe my 'succinct ' phrase is the only one that will do sometimes to describe some of the pathetic excuses for men we have to deal with.
In real life I look like butter wouldn't melt, and I certainly don't go around effing and blinding, < well, only a little bit> but on here I can let rip and be a real potty mouth and that gets it out of my system, can't do it at WI can I ?

I think it was me that said that about SID's sideburns WWK , so if that gives you a chuckle that gladdens my heart, arrrggggg... That's put a image in my head now that's gonna be hard to shift....

I'm so sorry he is being so difficult, family my love, they seem to get themselves in to a mindset, and then they cannot bear to admit that they are totally in the wrong about their position, even when it involves their children, surely the most precious asset of a marriage, but the need to 'win' overrides all reason and decency, even at the risk of damaging their relationship with everyone around them and depriving their own flesh and blood. I know your children are only very young, so won't really understand the hurt and stress you're dealing with, but KOKO because the court will give him the good news soon enough, actions have consequences, and he has to fulfil his responsibilities to you and especially to your little ones.

Dog sitting today and here she is

WWK good luck with the 2nd/final interviews - go you

Awwwww.... She's beautiful bobs, enjoy looking after her today
Will you get a dog of your own when all this crap is sorted out?
I know you had a much loved dog in the past.

I have my mediation tommorow, a bit anxious, but not as much as last time.
Had a pep talk with my friend who has been advising me and he seems to be coming around to a better settlement, he probably discussed it fully with his solicitor now. I think he just wants to get it sorted so we can ' move on' grrrrrr....

Jess says, 'who dat? '
A glamourous, long legged redhead ? I'm the queen of the thread,

We're getting a dog when the dust has settled. I'd prefer a cat myself but the children prefer a dog, so... I used to be "against" (lol) those teeny tiny dogs that people have, thinking if you're going to have a dog it should at least look like a proper dog. But I've changed my mind because those small ones (yorkshire terriers etc) are quite cute and clean. So I think we'll be getting one of those.

Haha Jess - she's just visiting

My DDs want me to get another dog that they can play with but I get to look after I've said no - certainly not atm!

Although it's a shit situation for you Hobbit you have the benefit that HE wants to "move on" so you have more of a chance of getting it sorted. I know someone locally whose ex took 4 years to "allow" it all to be sorted, despited living with OW and having a child with her.

Also he sounds a bit more reasonable than most (after taking advice of course). Good luck with the mediation

I'm getting feedback from friends that starting divorce proceedings now is "fast " any thoughts? Is there an accepted amount of time? He's had an affair and now moved in with her, the marriage is over so why wait?

There's no accepted length of time. The actual divorce and sorting out the finances are 2 separate things. You need to get the 2nd sorted before you complete the first (ie the Decree Nisi) but you can start them both off whenever you feel is right

Thanks, bobs my friend is coming with me for moral support and then we'll go for lunch after. He does 'seem' to be more amenable to my way of thinking now, but we shall see ......

braving you can certainly start the process, and go up to the nisi stage, but the advice is to sort out the financials before applying for the absolute. In my case, it didn't benefit me to rush anything because he was still supporting us, and I needed the time to get a clear head, as decisions made can be difficult to change.

But every case is different, and every one has their own way of coming to terms with divorcing an errant spouse, you sound like a strong and determined lady, and maybe doing this quickly is the best way forward for you. Do you think he will play ball? < so to speak?>

A friend of mine was divorced in about 4 months from start to finish, so very quick in the grand scheme of things, bearing in mind you have to get all your pension, mortgage, isa/share , savings values, but he just gave her everything she wanted, and didn't contest anything.

That is not usually the case, don't know how agreeable your ex will be.

He wants to get the finances sorted, in as much as he wants me to give him his share of the house equity, I'm not prepared to do that outside of a proper legally binding agreement so I feel I need to get things started. I have the outline of a proposal subject to pension info. He's not supporting me financial at all I'm covering everything, he's just paying maintenance, so my incentive for getting it sorted is mainly about not having to listen to him ranting at me anymore. He wants to buy a house and needs cash and to be off the mortgage so he should play ball. I could drag it out and be difficult but I'd rather have the pain now while I'm already a mess emotionally that start to get it together and then have to go through this later.

You do well to say that Braving keep it legal! Be aware that for him to be off the mortgage you might have to take out a new one and there might be costs involved? Just read it somewhere...

Yes, there will be a fee for paying the current mortgage early and fees for starting a new one. I want to get agreement in writing that he'll pay half the legal costs including the mortgage fees and the cost of taking him off the deeds.

Hobbit Hopefully he'll want to avoid big legal bills and after the row on Friday he knows I'm not going to roll over and be taken for a ride. All this is a result of his choices and actions so he'll have to man up and take the consequences.

Name: seagull
Age: 37
Marriage: Separated in Sept 2014. H moved out in Nov
Children: DD4 and DD2
Background: H and I had a tough 2014, not getting on at all. I thought we were trying to improve things and just assumed we were in a slump and struggling a bit with 2 young children. but it turned out he had had an EA plus a few other instances of wandering eye (don't think he ever had a sexual relationship), now its clear he was trying to push me away and to make me to be the one to end it. He is now dating someone else. He has maintained good contact with he kids and has continued to pay the mortgage and bills. On the surface we are amicable.

I am a SAHM and he earns a good wage. I want a divorce. I feel vulnerable as I am not earning money. House is in both our names. He has been renting a flat nearby.

I have seen a solicitor to start the process and I have told him I was doing this as didn't want him to just get a letter (in the attempt to remain amicable). I assumed he also would want this but when I mentioned I was going down this route he has become very upset and said he wouldn't agree to my list of his 'unreasonable behaviour'. I

We are due to talk more on Thurs and I was just wondering if anyone had comments or advice or have any ideas of things I should be thinking about at this stage. Am I silly to rush into a divorce 6ish months after separating. There is no chance of us getting back together (his insistence) so what reasons would he have to not want a divorce?

Sorry this is long and rambling. Just when I think I have it all straight in my mind, it all scrambles again!

seagull it's weird isn't it mine had an affair, left and has now moved in with her but doesn't want to get divorce yet. I've also got no idea why , pride? embarrassment? dunno , but why wouldn't I want to divorce him?

what do you want?

its different for me as he isn't paying anything except maintenance. If you are better off financially leaving it then that's a good reason.