HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on ...part 7

[Izzie595]

Nobody understands the fully devastating impact of the ending of a marriage unless and until they experience it themselves.

Welcome to Hobbit's Bar. Thread number 7.

This is the place where we meet to let it all out, to share experiences, to get support, and maybe give support if and when we feel able. And also to sometimes have a good laugh about things, because Hell, we've earned the right to laugh!

The bar is owned by Hobbit. She is adorable, kind, and bonkers. And lazy. So we take turns in running the bar for her ladyship.

I'm the latest proprietor of the bar. Izzie Age 54. Married 30 years. Two young adult sons living with me. Husband left to live with OW on Halloween last year. Very appropriate! No moves towards divorce or financial settlement at present. I started posting my own stuff on MN at the start of the year. Best thing I ever did. Well, I've had better successes in life, but you get my point, yes? I've been through the whole range of emotions, backwards, forwards, round and round: it's not a linear process by any means. And it does seem common to have a huge crash at 4 to 6 months on. Today I'm meh. Mostly.

There are a range of experiences in the Bar, generally at any one time. Examples: the early stages of separation; negotiating; legal matters; abuse in all forms; feeling stronger; having a major crash again; dealing with fuckwittery from the exes; financial worries; issues involving both young and adult children; moving towards the Mecca that is "meh". Basically, the whole works. Believe me, whatever you are currently experiencing, you are not alone.

My advice to any newbies: just jump in, but if you have the time and inclination, try reading all of the threads. You will see real women experiencing their bleakest moments, their progress, their dips, their innermost thoughts.

Rules of The Bar

1. Don't ask to join just come in.
2. The phrase Party Pooper is banned. We may be having a good old giggle sometimes but someone in need must interrupt whatever is going on. We can't all be in sync, but someone in need ALWAYS takes priority.
3. You are not obliged to give advice, reply to any posts, there are no expectations of you. Take what you want from the thread.

And just to ease you in, here are a few things you may wish to know:

1. An Izzietini is the bar drink.
2. A number 6 refers to rule number 6 in Hobbit's Twunts list. Reasons why they do things. Because they are....... erm, no, the answer is not "misguided".
3. Mother, WellWhoKnew or WWK. Recently divorced, previous proprietor of the Bar and a legend of MN to those who followed her own threads. Also a legend on here for her straightforward advice. And keeps us in order.
4. Some of the posters also have their own threads. I hope they will do a link for you.
5. There's a bad case of exclamationitis on here. Occurs when trying to put in a comma on ipad, but it auto corrects to an exclamation mark. So if you post and get a dodgy comment back, eg "Have you thought about counselling! sounds like you need help!".....please believe us that we are not sarky cows. Because the rule of exclamationitis is that we only spot it after we have posted!
6. Our sayings are Shit, this is hard and KOKO, keep on keeping on.
7. Our theme tune to keep us going, is below.
8. Jess is our sausage snuffling mascot. Owned by Hobbit, she pops up every now and again to entertain us and to dispense her own brand of advice. She says it as it is. She is currently busy knitting herself some new hats.

At the start of the year Fontella posted this on the first thread:

"Can I just say as more of a reader rather than a participant on this thread (I got shot of my lying, conniving, controlling ex 10 years ago) that this is fast turning into my favourite thread. Lots of powerful, courageous and funny (in a good way) women all coming together and supporting each other through an incredibly painful time. You are all fabulous!"

I couldn't have put it better myself.

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

Just a quick post, waiting for kitchen floor to dry so I can eat lunch.

My H just called round, necessary reason. He'd called earlier so it wasn't unexpected.

He looks terrible. Depressed and stressed. Obviously leaving me wasn't the gateway to happiness after all. He told me he's depressed and realising what he walked away from.

Told me I look good. Which I do. Not 19 year old supermodel good or young woman good but mature woman good, which I am happy with. And it's for me because like Accordingtome I'm working on myself! for the exact same reasons. (Fecking exclamation marks).

I don't feel a need for a man in my life - as a partner, I like the ones I work with and the plumber is useful. And I love my sons of course.

Also I don't trust myself to choose well. My track record in picking "life" partners is fucking appalling.

roz good for you!

Just wondering if you need refine your eating habits .....waiting for kitchen floor to dry so I can eat lunch.

So that's what you look like Izzie...

Can someone please chuck out iwas

Roz Hope he is not setting you up for some hoovering now, be careful and LOL@ eating your lunch off the kitchen floor

It's nuts, isn't it? 1

I was the victim of a crime, which made the local news, and which the police solved after a few months.

The perpetrator was punished and given a 18 month suspended prison sentence. His trial, that I was called as a witness to (but ended up not testifying because he pled guilty) occured the same week as my FDA. It was quite a stressful time now I come to think of it!

And MrSW was still blaming me for the crime in his testimony at the Final Hearing. Yet, he didn't give a victim impact statement, he didn't work with the police to solve it and he didn't have to go to court to testify.

I received compensation of £800ish which MrSW then claimed I owed him.

If you believe his version of events: It's all her fault that someone decided to commit this crime against her. You see, the police got it wrong - he was the victim, but it was "her job" to sort out the "mess" that "she" had created.

And he had me believing that until the officer overseeing the case put me straight...and that's what persuaded me to contact Women's Aid - because I started to understand that perhaps what "he says" was a load of shite.

I gave the compensation money to my solicitor after the FDA to pay for her time supporting me through my divorce.

Ha ha! I meant so I could walk on the kitchen floor. Low blood sugar . How H would laugh if he knew you all (apparently) thought I could eat off my floor. Dog's already walked all over it since it was cleaned.

No worries AccordingtoMe, he's just feeling sorry for himself. This new happiness I feel, the lack of stress since he's been gone, will stop me falling for hoovering again.

WWK that is so crazy I'm going to have to read it again to understand it. It was obviously a nasty crime if he got 18 months suspended. Not fishing btw, just acknowledging your ordeal.

LOL too at Roz eating her lunch off the kitchen floor!

Cutted it sounds to me, and please do correct me if I've misunderstood, that you've yoyo-ed back and forth in your relationship trying to be whatever it is he wants you to be for a long time. You must be exhausted trying to attain the impossible. As hard as you are finding this, and I mean this most kindly, this time has to be the last time he leaves you in this mess because just as you pick yourself up and start to feel confident again, he does it again. And so the cycle starts over. This is the time when YOU say: I'm not going through this again. Ever.

I know that if MrSW had begged to come back, I probably would have had him back. I know this because he did "this" once before over a decade ago. Now I know better but it's been one helluva trauma to get through (was then, and still is now sometimes). But making the decision of "Never again" is a release. It's not going to take the pain away but the hurt does ease over time. Please start working on your self-esteem.

Leave the deadwood behind.

Roz well done you. I am avoiding mine at the moment. Dropped the youngest off to his for weekend contact and waited in the car while she went to the front door, smiled waved and drove off. Have to collect her tomorrow though so I am going to have to engage in some form of conversation.

I'm proud of myself though, I havent responded to the hoovering I was engaged with over the last couple of weeks. He sent the last email to me. I have ignored it.

I have Izzie to thank for that as she pointed out the "LOOK" comment he made. I would never have noticed it before that, felt frustrated and probably would have carried on trying to get him to see my pov. Its just never going to happen.

WWK bloody hell!

WWK sorry cross posted, that "Bloody hell and shock face was to your post at 13:36

Ha! Jess has just disappeared. It's like we've got a poltergeist thief...

You're right - it's truly unbelievable that they can utter such total crap. My goodness you've been through a lot WWK - I'm not making excuses for mine, but I'm beginning to wonder whether he truly has a 'disorder' of some kind. I think he genuinely believes I'm to blame for everything. In arguments over the years I've backed down loads and said, 'OK I'm in the wrong etc etc' just to maintain the peace. That's not really been enough for him though - he's not even happy with that if he thinks I don't really believe it and am just saying it. There's so much about my life with him that I won't miss - it's so weird that I'm
still so sad.

frizzy on the 'letting go front if you really want them back' my grandmother and grandfather divorced when my mum was a teenager. This was a time I guess when divorce was less acceptable. My mum had a hard time over it and doesn't really know who originally left who to this day. When I was a child I know that gran lived alone and gp with OW who we were never introduced to but I was aware existed. My mum had a better relationship in fact with her dad than her mum. When I was a teenager they remarried each other (other woman had run off I think) and they stayed married until they died - both lived to see great grandchildren. I asked my mum recently whether she thought they were happier second time round. She thought yes but they did have ups and downs. She also never would have believed they would get back together - their divorce was terribly acrimonious apparently. So, not quite sure what I'm trying to say by posting this except that whatever will be, will be I guess. We can't make something happen by wishing it so and sometimes the strangest things do just happen at the most unexpected times.

Where's Jess??

1nogoingback don't blame yourself for feeling sad about that. I still do it too. I often go over old arguments we had. Revisiting my old thread provoked so many horrible and frustrating memories for me. I think its natural when you are in a mourning period.

One thing I always always stick to is a little mantra I picked up, cannot remember where from. It has helped me through a hell of a lot over the years, even helping me deal with my lovely not pre-teen daughter when she is having her "kevin the teenager" moments.

Is it more important to you to be happy or to be right

Thats it, in a nutshell.

Hope I don't sound like a sanctimonious cow??

according that's a lovely mantra You're quite right x

1nogoingback I'm glad you liked it, see you already knew of it as you applied it with your ex, backing down and apologising for things you probably weren't to blame for.

Cant see where you have been a sanctimonious cow either.

Thank you according

What I meant was; for you, it was far more important to be happy than to be right, thats why you apologised all the time and backed down.

I did this too.

Frizzy Just read your post through and I have to say I agree with you making the decision to leave your feelings out of the texts, and just concentrate on the arrangements for the children, but for different reasons than you.

He's a coward by the way. He can't face anyone and he's already failing to keep up with meeting the children. He can only put himself first. So the more you engage with him, the more frequently your feelings will come second (in fact, by the sounds of it, actually not even then because your first thoughts will be about the children).

He's not going to supply the answers, he's just going to keep mucking with your mind. The competitive "woe-is-me" that he seems to be engaging in is really, really, really damaging to everyone. Especially you. Leave him to it and focus on yourself.

The book that I found helped me get my head around this was "Detach and Survive".

No thanks needed whatsoever, I'm glad I can add something to this thread and the posters here.

(other than dodgy Abba songs while claiming to be an aging rock chick LOL)

I really feel I have gained more than I have given

Was JESS deemed to be too rude for MN?

Was JESS deemed to be too rude for MN?

How d'ya mean?

Actually I'm now very cos the pic has gone

izzie Where has it gone??? Has it been taken down?

1 the picture will appear again and then disappear and then appear again judging by previous threads with pictures. Tis rather strange.