Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Husband has walked out - doesn't love me anymore

(786 Posts)
whyMe2014 Mon 08-Sep-14 00:25:16

My husband took me out for lunch on August 15th then told me that night that he was leaving me and our children (11 and 4). He wanted to separate and wanted to tell the children that night. I begged him not to tell the children and he left that night.

Since then he has hardly spoken to me. He has moved into a friends house that was empty. The only thing he appears to be worried about is leaving his flash car not his children.

He has said that he 'can't take it anymore'. He has told me that we are 'completely finished', he isn't in love with me and that things have never been good. He thinks we've grown apart. He has been doing increasing amounts of overtime since July and we hardly see him. He's also taken his wedding ring off. I feel like my heart has been ripped out.

I've been ill since May with a lung condition (i was in hospital for a week) and I'm still taking lots of mediation. I'm now also taking sedatives, and anti depressants just to get though the day. I had been off work until the beginning of August, I had only just started back on reduced hours with the intention of going back to work two days in London. But I used to work around my husbands shifts but now he's no longer here so I have to explain to my employer that I will no longer be able to work in London only at home. So I could lose my job as well. My doctor has signed me off again with stress.

I'm trying to shield my daughters from the pain but I know I will have to tell them eventually.

I cry everyday, I can't sleep or eat properly. What have I ever done to deserve this.

Joy5 Mon 08-Sep-14 00:40:07

Just wanted to say i feel so much for you. My ex left too, but 3 years later i have a new life, studying so i can get a better paid job to support my sons.

Its not easy, but life is getting better for me, doing loads of new things i wouldn't have done before.

Like me, you have your children, they come first and you'll find a way to move on, it just might take time. But you have to believe you don't deserve this, you didn't do anything to cause it. Your ex is responsible for this, no doubt in future he'll blame you, rather then acccept it was him.

You've posted really late at night, i hope someone else comes along and posts sense to you in the morning, i hope i have but i'm so tired but just can't sleep!

HelenaQC Mon 08-Sep-14 00:46:12

Oh god....you poor thing. You sound devastated sad

You will get far, far better advice from others but have you considered that there's probably someone else?

The whole "it's never been right" stuff is crap that he's made up to cope with the guilt of what he's done.

Time to get angry, Why.

HelenaQC Mon 08-Sep-14 00:47:34

Oh and you have done NOTHING to deserve this. Nothing at all. Please don't look for ways to blame yourself.

MillyDots Mon 08-Sep-14 01:24:37

How has your relationship been this last year? Please be prepared that he has had his head turned. From what you have said this is the most likely situation sad

Imarriedaknob Mon 08-Sep-14 06:59:56

I understand exactly how you feel I'm in a very similar situation. My husband left like this and it dragged on for months him pretending to be depressed. He did have OW only found out 4 weeks ago and he still won't admit things. If I had known months ago I would have been closer to feeling better. As it is I find something out every week and go right back to the start. Its going to be very up and down for a while. Good luck xxx

startinoveronmyway Mon 08-Sep-14 07:24:37

You have done nothing to deserve this!!!!! You keep saying this to yourself and you will believe it!

You were me just a few precious weeks ago....'I'm not in love with you anymore....we were living like roommates.....it's all just a pretty facade of a marriage, etc, etc...'

Them leaving you is 100% their issue. Once they leave you.....then it is 100% about you, taking care of you, healing, moving on.

My best advice for you now is to accept that it is over, well and truly, no going back, no hoping. He abandoned you when things were bad, you are ill.....he doesn't give a damn about you anymore and has shown it in the most destructive way he could, utter abandonment.

BUT, you are not a victim! You won't believe this now, but you are well rid of this person. You DO deserve better and now you can take care of the most important person in your life....YOU!

(btw, I still break down everyday at least once, I have nightmares every night, can't sleep properly, lost 10 pounds in 10 days, etc. The first week, I would literally sob all day, not crocodile tears, literally collapsed where ever I was in the house in a puddle on the floor for hours! I didn't believe people when they would say the pain will lessen, but slowly, so very very slowly, it does)

It's early days for me too. I am less scared every day and more glad to be rid of him. Hang in there!! Hold onto the fact that you did NOT deserve this and you DO deserve better!

thanks

startinoveronmyway Mon 08-Sep-14 07:33:22

And yes, I think he has cheated on me in the past and was gearing up to do the same.....he admitted he was 'thinking about' getting back in the dating scene. Ugh. What a tosser.

Also, I have 2 children under 6......if it wasn't for them, I would be far worse off. We have to be strong for them, but also, if I was sad and cried in front of them, it teaches them we all get sad, even mummy. You are not a robot, so don't try to hide your emotions (except major breakdowns like mine, where I went to another room).

I hope you have people to talk to? In the first week, talking to family/friends is what kept me from the deep darkness that wanted to engulf me.

HumblePieMonster Mon 08-Sep-14 07:35:02

He's gone. Let it be.
Focus on yourself, on your health, and on taking care of the children.
You'll have to tell them.
Then you have to sort out the financial arrangements.
Is there anyone who could help you? Parent, sibling, friend?

mammadiggingdeep Mon 08-Sep-14 07:40:35

Are you ok op? Did you manage some sleep?

You didn't do anything to deserve this. You cannot think like that. It's his issues and its him showing his true colours. An arse.

Let friends and family look after you. Heal. Cry. Get through every day, one at a time.

Try to hold on to your job of you can- it'll be important.

kaykayblue Mon 08-Sep-14 08:46:56

I'm so sorry OP. It may be that he has been feeling like this for a while, but just didn't say anything to you. It's a cowardly approach, but many other posters on here do the same thing.

You haven't done anything to deserve this - this isn't something that is a punishment, it's just really, really sad. You are ill, and now this - you are allowed to wallow a little, providing you pick yourself up afterwards.

On the job issue, even if you aren't together, I assume he will want to see his children? Is there any reason why he couldn't take the children around his shifts when you would need to go into London? That would make the most sense.

You will need to be strong and only talk to him about issues related to the children though - if you try and plead with him, it will just push him even further away.

I'm so sorry, but you will feel better. It's that cliché that time heals everything.

fourlegstwolegs Mon 08-Sep-14 17:07:02

Poor you. This happened to me six months ago. I'm still not over it and I keep hoping he will come back. Even though I know he won't sad
It's horrible, you have my sympathy.

BravePotato Mon 08-Sep-14 17:14:25

How awful for you, but in a way: good riddance.

Look after yourself and your girls.

Pretend to be strong until you feel strong.

Get practical, get a solicitor, make sure you have money he can't touch, have (copies of) all the paperwork.

WellWhoKnew Mon 08-Sep-14 18:55:21

I'm four months down the line from where you are now - it does get easier, I promise.

The best thing you can do now: TELL THE WORLD. No one can wave a magic wand to get yourself over these awful times, but you have nothing to be ashamed of, you need the support: and people can be amazing in very difficult times.

Try to remind yourself of all the times you've tolerated his bad behaviour - because that bad behaviour has now left your home. You won't feel like celebrating it now, but if he comes home he would be far, far worse - your life would be utterly miserable.

As much as you find this difficult, you need to book into a solicitors. I know this feels like the hardest thing to do (after all you won't be wanting a divorce now) but it helps manage the panic on the finance front.

I'm nowhere near 'over it' but in the throes of a nasty divorce - which really helps you get a new perspective on them, for sure. I can hand on heart say I no longer love my husband. I am mad and angry, but no longer devastated. I do have sad moments too, but nothing like the sheer horror of the first few weeks.

There is going to be some bad news to deal with along the way, there will be another woman emerging at some point, he may decide he wants access to the children. All of this may hurt you more, so you need to start taking care of you right now. Eating whatever you can, when you can. Getting out with your daughter and doing things. Little steps each day if you can.

And finally: No Contact with him. Don't send begging texts/emails. You have no reason to contact him now . You fake total indifference until the day you become indifferent. And you will, one day, be glad he's left I promise.

There are literally hundreds of women on MN who have been in your place, we all have one thing in common:

We didn't deserve it.

Minime85 Mon 08-Sep-14 19:18:25

I am so sorry. You are in the very very hard and early days of the rawness of it all. My ex told me he didn't love me anymore just over a year ago. He finally left in November last year.

So I can absolutely promise you it gets better. My dcs were 8 and just 6. They of course were devastated. It's a long and bumpy road but they learn to adjust. He sounds like a bit of an idiot though and hopefully he will come to his sense and see in all this the children are the most important and he and you should try and work together to protect them in this new family set up.

It was never what I wanted. Ever. I never thought it would happen to me. To us. To my dcs. But it did. I picked myself up and dusted myself down in time, as you will too even if you don't believe it now. You will be happy again. I am. My dcs are. Decree nisi being heard on 13th October and I'm happy to be moving on.

Use rl friends and support as much as you can and of course the lovely people and support I couldn't have done without on mnet cake

mrsbrownsgirls Mon 08-Sep-14 19:38:39

this happened to me , many years ago.
we had no children , had been married Seven years and I utterly adored him.
he said he just did not love me anymore and he was telling the truth.

I was completely broken for a few months and partially broken for two years and still have a hairline fracture somewhere in my heart.

There was definitely no other person involved . only time will tell in your case

it happened 18 years ago and amazingly we are still friends . he met and married someone else a few years later , they have a lovely daughter but sadly split up last year.

He is bringing his new girlfriend to visit next week .

I have not seen him for a few years . I have got the most amazing boyfriend and life is good.
Hang in there x

whyMe2014 Mon 08-Sep-14 20:32:07

Thank you for all the messages of support.

He told me today that he had been a bad husband and father because he had slept with other women. Not just one but lots he met via a website. He needed to 'get his oats'. Still in shock. I will now have to go to the doctors for testing. I don't know what to think now. How can it get any worse.

Preciousbane Mon 08-Sep-14 20:39:10

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YvyB Mon 08-Sep-14 21:22:34

Well, he's not wrong about being a bad father and husband. How dare he risk your health?
I am furious on your behalf but I can tell you now, you have lost nothing in reality. You will just need plenty of time to mourn for your lost hopes and dreams. It really hurts but just ride it out. Every tear you cry is one closer to the last one you will cry for him.

See your GP and keep returning as often as you need. You deserve to be looked after and emotional injury and all the physical symptoms that go with it are as valid as any other health issue. I'm so sorry this has happened to you. There is nothing you or your dcs could have done to warrant this.

orangefusion Mon 08-Sep-14 21:22:50

Oh you poor love.

You will cry buckets, you will feel anger like you have never experienced, you will want to stay in bed all day with the duvet pulled over your head, you will feel all your emotions have overloaded and that you cannot take any more.

You need people around you that you can tell, you need to let all that weeping and wailing out (away from the children if you can), you will need this for quite some time. The pain is so palpable it feels like it is physical and you know what a broken heart feels like.

If you find it possible, hold onto the idea that it will pass, it will pass, the tears will reduce, the broken heart will mend, at your pace, then do. Because it will, it does. It really does. Although at the moment I cannot imagine that you can believe this. He has trashed your dreams, what you thought was real, your world.

And...

Each day try if you can do something that reminds you that you are whole without him. Even it if is just eating a morsel of food with the children and having a light conversation about their day.
Do something that distracts you. A warm bath, a peice of music, a painting, a walk, a ride on a horse/bike, a swim. You need to soothe yourself like a child does when distraught.

Call a friend, or your mum or your sister or your brother or the samaritans, pour it all out as many times as you need to. See your doctor if you have one that recognises that sometimes you need help to get through these hideous early days of recovery from betrayal and loss.

When you are ready to face practicalities, come back here, there is advice aplenty.

If you are not ready for practical advice yet then there are shoulders aplenty too. We have broad shoulders, and there are many of us and we can listen and we can weep with you.

whyMe2014 Sat 13-Sep-14 14:37:39

next update - guess what - I've now found out that he's also been having an affair since July with a woman (married with a child) he met on a driving course (he's a police officer!) He now won't talk to me at all.

He sent 2756 texts to her in 1 month! He's also received a parking fine for leaving our car in a car park overnight on a night that he was supposed to be working.

Unfortunately my 11 year old daughter has now found out because she overheard us talking. I tried to explain but she has taken his side. He will now only phone her and not speak to me about the house, children or anything.
I feel like he has taken control of my life and I have to dance to his tune.

1FluffyJumper Sat 13-Sep-14 15:00:47

How do you feel she has 'taken his side?' Surely she doesn't know everything.

FelicityGubbins Sat 13-Sep-14 15:08:54

She has probably taken his side because she is scared that if she doesn't, he will walk away from her like he did you, I'm fairly certain that a police officer shagging prostitutes is going to be a punishable offence so can you report him to a superior officer? or police complaints or internal whatever it is?
I'm sorry you are going through this, he sounds like a total bastard and you are well shot of him, even though it won't feel like that atm sad

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sat 13-Sep-14 15:09:09

She might appear to have "taken his side" but that's because she is 11 and has no experience of adult life. She's probably more afraid of losing her father than she is of breaking your heart. You are the steadfast immovable and permanent object and will love her till the day you die and she knows that. She's probably much less certain of her father. He's been fucking strangers he met on the internet. He's now taken up with a married woman with her own children, and deserted you and your kids. Does she know any of that?

If he won't speak to you about the house or the kids, then he'll need to contact an intermediary, like your solicitor.

Fuck him and the horse he rode in on!

FelicityGubbins Sat 13-Sep-14 15:12:23

Sorry, skim read and thought it was prostitutes, even if its just women on a website it still must be against the code of conduct surely?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now