HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on ...part 7

[Izzie595]

Nobody understands the fully devastating impact of the ending of a marriage unless and until they experience it themselves.

Welcome to Hobbit's Bar. Thread number 7.

This is the place where we meet to let it all out, to share experiences, to get support, and maybe give support if and when we feel able. And also to sometimes have a good laugh about things, because Hell, we've earned the right to laugh!

The bar is owned by Hobbit. She is adorable, kind, and bonkers. And lazy. So we take turns in running the bar for her ladyship.

I'm the latest proprietor of the bar. Izzie Age 54. Married 30 years. Two young adult sons living with me. Husband left to live with OW on Halloween last year. Very appropriate! No moves towards divorce or financial settlement at present. I started posting my own stuff on MN at the start of the year. Best thing I ever did. Well, I've had better successes in life, but you get my point, yes? I've been through the whole range of emotions, backwards, forwards, round and round: it's not a linear process by any means. And it does seem common to have a huge crash at 4 to 6 months on. Today I'm meh. Mostly.

There are a range of experiences in the Bar, generally at any one time. Examples: the early stages of separation; negotiating; legal matters; abuse in all forms; feeling stronger; having a major crash again; dealing with fuckwittery from the exes; financial worries; issues involving both young and adult children; moving towards the Mecca that is "meh". Basically, the whole works. Believe me, whatever you are currently experiencing, you are not alone.

My advice to any newbies: just jump in, but if you have the time and inclination, try reading all of the threads. You will see real women experiencing their bleakest moments, their progress, their dips, their innermost thoughts.

Rules of The Bar

1. Don't ask to join just come in.
2. The phrase Party Pooper is banned. We may be having a good old giggle sometimes but someone in need must interrupt whatever is going on. We can't all be in sync, but someone in need ALWAYS takes priority.
3. You are not obliged to give advice, reply to any posts, there are no expectations of you. Take what you want from the thread.

And just to ease you in, here are a few things you may wish to know:

1. An Izzietini is the bar drink.
2. A number 6 refers to rule number 6 in Hobbit's Twunts list. Reasons why they do things. Because they are....... erm, no, the answer is not "misguided".
3. Mother, WellWhoKnew or WWK. Recently divorced, previous proprietor of the Bar and a legend of MN to those who followed her own threads. Also a legend on here for her straightforward advice. And keeps us in order.
4. Some of the posters also have their own threads. I hope they will do a link for you.
5. There's a bad case of exclamationitis on here. Occurs when trying to put in a comma on ipad, but it auto corrects to an exclamation mark. So if you post and get a dodgy comment back, eg "Have you thought about counselling! sounds like you need help!".....please believe us that we are not sarky cows. Because the rule of exclamationitis is that we only spot it after we have posted!
6. Our sayings are Shit, this is hard and KOKO, keep on keeping on.
7. Our theme tune to keep us going, is below.
8. Jess is our sausage snuffling mascot. Owned by Hobbit, she pops up every now and again to entertain us and to dispense her own brand of advice. She says it as it is. She is currently busy knitting herself some new hats.

At the start of the year Fontella posted this on the first thread:

"Can I just say as more of a reader rather than a participant on this thread (I got shot of my lying, conniving, controlling ex 10 years ago) that this is fast turning into my favourite thread. Lots of powerful, courageous and funny (in a good way) women all coming together and supporting each other through an incredibly painful time. You are all fabulous!"

I couldn't have put it better myself.

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

Hi seagull perhaps he wants to keep his options open, or highly resents bring divorced for unreasonable behaviour? At least he is still paying the bills etc. If you are both being civil then ask him what his plans are and what he expects to happen in the future.

Happy Anniversary to me ! Sick stomach, dd going tonight, trying to hold it together and NOT so going to cry in the shower .

Ali Cry if it helps xx

I wonder if H thinks he's leaving the door open, he's being very arrogant if that's the case.

Seagull it sounds like he's either unsure (although he should have thought about that before putting himself out on the dating scheme.) It's difficult to second-guess what your ExH wants; the bigger question is, what do YOU want?

I think I've ground to a halt after the initial adrenalin of leaving an EA marriage for the third time at the end of February. Have seen a solicitor and about to start proceedings, there aren't any financial assets so I am hopeful it will be both fast and straightforward.
I am 99% certain it is the right thing for everyone and certainly my friends think so and have been supportive. That 1% though is worried about my children with any new partner of his, how I'll manage financially bringing up DC's alone and so on.

braving my existence is going from a nightmare to unbearable. Have just had a call to say that as dd's attendance has dropped so low, the educational welfare people may become involved ! Sure why not come on in and take a seat with the others who'd like to sort this situation out, except I'm at the top of the queue. My h has me completely going round in circles after seeing him yesterday. I am back to believing that I actually am to blame for this marriage breakdown ... Apparently I am a very angry person and made his life hell and our dd miserable. Did I ? Was driving car last night crying ( in my own ) and for 1 split second I thought, yes see that big tree over there .... But I have to fight for my sanity in this massively fucked up situation.... And hug my dd goodbye tonight

Ali I'm sure that's not true, he's messing with your head. You have to focus on the future when it'll all be better and you'll be free of him, easier said than done. I considered jumping off a bridge at one point, but my dd needs me and yours needs you.

I've just emailed mine to tell him I'm seeing my solicitor to start proceedings, I bottled using the word divorce but I think he'll get that. I've also asked when he's going to collect his things. I'm dreading the response but it needed doing, I ended with some news about dd to give him something to respond to if he wants to acknowledge the email but not the issue.

Hi all. I think that they are keeping their options open when they want to delay divorce - or perhaps wanting to keep 'their' assets for longer. Mine goes pale when I use the 'D' word!

ali I think we've probably all had that thought flash through our minds. Your DD needs you. Your parents obviously love and need you. This is a truly horrible time and WILL pass. It might not be a bad thing if outside agencies become involved with your daughter. Evidence for you that H's antics are upsetting her terribly for example? Are you keeping a diary? Make sure everything goes in it - her inability to sleep etc last night. I think we have all been blamed for the breakdown of our marriages. It's easier for them. I was blamed again this morning - not loving enough now apparently. I've literally heard them all. Ignore. I'd perhaps turn the time your daughter is away to good use? Get your thoughts together and lots of rest. He'll soon realise that caring for an emotional 15 year old isn't exactly a walk in the park.

braving knowing my luck it would be my h on call and sent to talk me out of jumping off bridge ??
Yes I know we have to force ourselves to keep going for our dc. I knew this would be difficult but my Dad tried to warn me it would get worse before it gets better... How much worse is anyone's guess. I tried getting my h to collect his things but as he likes to remind me, it's his house and nothing is to go. So I just moved some stuff into bin bags and stuffed them in the garage. Funny you say you bottled at mentioning divorce ( well not funny obviously ) but I found divorce a lot easier to say than separation. Don't know why. Probably because he said separation so I just assumed divorce. You're sounding very positive and I hope to get to that point eventually. Seriously though, this shit is so hard !

Start my new job on Monday! I just really hope my brother pulls through and manages to help me for a couple of weeks because I just can't afford the childcare for the first few weeks. I'll be using child tax credits to pay for childcare after that until I get my first wages. It's ridiculously difficult to get into the workplace.
I'll be going 5 weeks before I get my first paycheck!! It comes on the 23rd of June. I'm not going to inform the housing office or the tax credits office until I'm about 2 weeks into that 5 weeks because if they cut off my benefits I won't be able to pay rent or buy food. So I expect they will ut ask be to pay back what they gave me while I was working (even though I wasn't receiving any money )
But we're apparently eligible for working tax credits and some housing benefit as well. I can just imagine something going horribly wrong in all of this and being left without any money to buy food or pay rent.
In fact it's a huge risk almost not worth taking because if I wasn't going to work I would just be able to budget and muddle through with the benefits.
We'll see how it all pans out!

Ali, I used to go to the beach and fantasize about jumping off the peer into the deep dark ocean. I used to wonder how it would be to go like that. I really wanted to.
And... I don't feel like that at all now! It was living with him that did that to me. So you will feel better soon.
Why is your dd's attendance low? Has she been ill a lot? Are you personally finding it difficult to get her into school because of all the upset?

Good luck Sakura for Monday, it sounds like it's going to be a bit of a juggling act, but you do sound like you're organised and on top of things. I'm seriously impressed.

Good luck, good judgement, good negotiation skills, and good intelligence are all you need tomorrow Hobbit. You have it in spades, so keep calm (not that I've ever known you to be otherwise) and KOKO.

Bleh welcome to our humble thread, and well done for leaving and getting your shit together. You're bound to be anxious about the future - but you sound focused: that always helps!

Seagull hello and welcome to you too. It is now its clear he was trying to push me away and to make me to be the one to end it - it's like being back in the junior school playground, isn't it?!? And it leaves you utterly disorientated and batters your self-esteem. That said, you seem to be gaining control.

Re: your question, I always say that if they are still doing a bit for the family home (e.g. paying for shit) then leave it like that for a while, until you feel ready and able to take control for your future. It's not always the case that they do...

...but if they do, it gives time for the emotional fall out to settle a bit, which all helps with the negotiations.

One suggestion that I've frequently read, is that it's a good idea to get the other person to pre-approve their UB, so when you meet him, ask him to write it for you...so that it isn't a personal attack but an 'agreed' means to and end (you have to satisfy a judge, who doesn't actually give a shiny shit, that you can't be reasonably expected to live with him. 'tis all)

I remember when I got (the second attempt at divorce) UB petition to sign off, I spent a day writing out a defense ...which was completely unnecessary although cathartic ( thought we'd agreed that I'd divorce him so it was his pathetic "surprise" that was intended to piss me off!). First wife did seek his approval, and I think that helped him deal with it (he can't bear criticism!). My SHL and I had already started work on some 'soft' but 'will pass muster' UB statements, rather than "He's a fucking cunt" - which is what I'd wanted to write! And from that I learnt, no one cares why you are divorcing, just that you are.

Please also note that I'm advising you on how to have an amicable divorce, and mine was anything but!

My carefully worded email received a big rant in response, apparently he didn't think I could be nasty, I'm making things difficult, I'm trying to get everything I can and I'm using dd against him emotionally. He wants dd to be able to go to stay with him and go on holiday with him when she's ready! I need to think about what sort of place he'll be living in. I'm imagining this comes with a reduction in maintenance if she was to stay with him regularly.

He thinks I need to wait for the pension information, he needs to provide a home for her as well, which may mean selling ours and downsizing, it's tiny, downsizing isn't an option. It doesn't make sense if he still gets the same share of the equity. He must still think my pension will be worth more than is which can't be the case.

I sent a short response to say I'm not trying to be nasty or difficult I thought he wanted to get things sorted, (he asked me if I'd looked into re-mortgaging.) Just said I don't know what to say or do which is true, everything just gets misinterpreted.

DD just phoned him and had a reasonable conversation, I don't want to come between them, its so hard.

I think I'm still going to see the solicitor but I'm not sure about sending divorce papers, I need to what difference it makes to the advice he gave me before, now H is living with her and her dc.

He's obvious panicking about his financial position but running up big legal bills won't help, neither will taking it out on me.

Ali re: 'suicide plans' - anyone in an acrimonious abusive divorce has one in my experience. I will admit to having one too. The only thing is to focus on getting through today, just today. Survive today. The future is very bleak when you can't even begin to imagine how tomorrow is going to be any different from today. In divorce, not much changes from day to day!

This shit is so much harder than anyone can ever appreciate unless they experience it first hand (and the way the memory works with trauma, is that it actually forgets it!).

So "Outsiders" will say 'well at least...' or 'forget about him', or 'just ...', but the stress of an acrimonious divorce is so magnificent, and very real, that you can't switch off because of some well meaning, but ultimately futile advice. That's because they observe it, but you feel it. And not one jot of it is pleasant. And your feelings take over everything.

Your fears may appear to others as irrational, but for you they are real. The fears are real and legitimate, but them materialising is not a given. For example, 'just because' I feared him turning up at my home announced (and I did with very good reason)...meant I devised a contingency plan. I had (and to a much lesser extent) still have that fear. He never did although he did roam the area. Were my fears irrational? No. Did I activate the contingency plan? No.

But, occasionally the sun does shine again, and it starts emerging for longer and longer periods. I always held on to those women who came back and said 'it gets better'. I believed them. I'm nowhere near where I want to be, but I'm further through the process than you. Those women are to be believed and trusted.

But holy cow, what a fucking trauma! I hope one day to forget about it all. In the interim, I forget about some bits of it...

Re: your daughter. My advice is 'accept the help' offered. Your DD's attendance is a worry, which means her father's behaviour is affecting her too, and you matter too. You're not 'mentally deficient', you're bloody exhausted with trying to cope with a horrific experience (on top of medical concerns, on top of parenting a teen). KOKO. x

Thanks for the reassurance, WHK. I've just noticed it's half term the week after next! I've got no idea if my brother can handle that. I really hope to keep this job, so even if I have to ask a neighbour I will think of something. I am not letting my mum do it as she settles down for her wine at 6pm and becomes very frightening.

Thanks all for your replies. I'm having some connection issues this afternoon/evening so before I get cut off again I just wanted to let you know I've read your advice and its given me much to think about. Will try to post again when connection is more reliable and I'm not at risk of losing everything I write!

ali today was always going to be awful with the wedding anniversary! and of course he's liked more shit on too of that. We have all been through the suicidal thoughts. Personally mine was when I was with the bugger! Please take note of what WWK says, you know she talks sense. The attendance letter re DD is a procedure that has to be followed, and letters are triggered when attendance drops below a certain percentage. The letters don't read that way but it's meant to be a supportive thing. Ali please remember that your ex talks a load of bollocks, for example about the pension. Also, he too is in dire financial straits, and it would bet that a lot of his actions are about trying to save his own skin. I'm not saying that any of us should give a damn about him, but I hope you understand what I'm trying to say. You are a lovely person, it's so clear from your posts. Tonight, just write off today. Try to get some sleep ASAP. And remember, we all care about you. Big hugs and strength to you xx

A Piccy..this one is for Alis ex twunt

To all the other twunts

Seagull I would agree with WWK's suggestions about not rushing the divorce! finances etc if he is playing ball. I'm in that situation, have been for 6 months. It's given me time to get my ducks in a row, consider the financial implications, and think through what I want and make some plans. I'm in a much better place emotionally than I was a number of months ago, and it will depersonalise negotiations when they start. Also I realise that the decisions I would have made a number of months ago are not the same ones I would make now, as emotions become less a factor. Financially you need your head and not your heart guiding you. Oh, and get what you can in the way of spending now whilst you still have the chance. I'm getting bits and pieces for my future. He's not objecting, he can't really, as he's spent a fair bit on stuff for himself

And as we are nearly at the end of the thread, we must have my fave song, first time on this thread

Fuck Off Song

Oh, you're welcome to him you weirdo

Ali I went through suicidal thoughts too, before I left him. I was so devastated about the fact our marriage was crap. The thing that stopped me, well i hadn't been in my job long enough so wouldn't be entitled to any "death in service" payout, rendering my girls penniless.

I even bought shed-loads of high strength co-codamol (they only come in packs of five, so you really do have to plan that one, not buy them from the same place..plan where to get them from to not raise suspicion)

I cannot believe I am admitting this here.

The things we think..

Glad that post is just going to drop into oblivion now...

New thread here

New Thread here