HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on ...part 7

[Izzie595]

Nobody understands the fully devastating impact of the ending of a marriage unless and until they experience it themselves.

Welcome to Hobbit's Bar. Thread number 7.

This is the place where we meet to let it all out, to share experiences, to get support, and maybe give support if and when we feel able. And also to sometimes have a good laugh about things, because Hell, we've earned the right to laugh!

The bar is owned by Hobbit. She is adorable, kind, and bonkers. And lazy. So we take turns in running the bar for her ladyship.

I'm the latest proprietor of the bar. Izzie Age 54. Married 30 years. Two young adult sons living with me. Husband left to live with OW on Halloween last year. Very appropriate! No moves towards divorce or financial settlement at present. I started posting my own stuff on MN at the start of the year. Best thing I ever did. Well, I've had better successes in life, but you get my point, yes? I've been through the whole range of emotions, backwards, forwards, round and round: it's not a linear process by any means. And it does seem common to have a huge crash at 4 to 6 months on. Today I'm meh. Mostly.

There are a range of experiences in the Bar, generally at any one time. Examples: the early stages of separation; negotiating; legal matters; abuse in all forms; feeling stronger; having a major crash again; dealing with fuckwittery from the exes; financial worries; issues involving both young and adult children; moving towards the Mecca that is "meh". Basically, the whole works. Believe me, whatever you are currently experiencing, you are not alone.

My advice to any newbies: just jump in, but if you have the time and inclination, try reading all of the threads. You will see real women experiencing their bleakest moments, their progress, their dips, their innermost thoughts.

Rules of The Bar

1. Don't ask to join just come in.
2. The phrase Party Pooper is banned. We may be having a good old giggle sometimes but someone in need must interrupt whatever is going on. We can't all be in sync, but someone in need ALWAYS takes priority.
3. You are not obliged to give advice, reply to any posts, there are no expectations of you. Take what you want from the thread.

And just to ease you in, here are a few things you may wish to know:

1. An Izzietini is the bar drink.
2. A number 6 refers to rule number 6 in Hobbit's Twunts list. Reasons why they do things. Because they are....... erm, no, the answer is not "misguided".
3. Mother, WellWhoKnew or WWK. Recently divorced, previous proprietor of the Bar and a legend of MN to those who followed her own threads. Also a legend on here for her straightforward advice. And keeps us in order.
4. Some of the posters also have their own threads. I hope they will do a link for you.
5. There's a bad case of exclamationitis on here. Occurs when trying to put in a comma on ipad, but it auto corrects to an exclamation mark. So if you post and get a dodgy comment back, eg "Have you thought about counselling! sounds like you need help!".....please believe us that we are not sarky cows. Because the rule of exclamationitis is that we only spot it after we have posted!
6. Our sayings are Shit, this is hard and KOKO, keep on keeping on.
7. Our theme tune to keep us going, is below.
8. Jess is our sausage snuffling mascot. Owned by Hobbit, she pops up every now and again to entertain us and to dispense her own brand of advice. She says it as it is. She is currently busy knitting herself some new hats.

At the start of the year Fontella posted this on the first thread:

"Can I just say as more of a reader rather than a participant on this thread (I got shot of my lying, conniving, controlling ex 10 years ago) that this is fast turning into my favourite thread. Lots of powerful, courageous and funny (in a good way) women all coming together and supporting each other through an incredibly painful time. You are all fabulous!"

I couldn't have put it better myself.

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

night night izzie xx

you're right living they will lie. The weasel has already said the Audi is in a 'lock up' somewhere. I believe he's already sold it. He wouldn't be driving the Golf if he still had the Audi...far too beneath him because he 'deserves' the Audi ! How many bloody times did he tell me that. I can only hope he gets what he bloody deserves eventually and that bitch. Apologies..bit of a rant there.

Night Izzie. You need early nights at your age!!! x

oooh iwas you'll pay for that in the morning! :) xx

I know!! Am sure she will get me back as I'm older than her! x

just saw this on another thread...thought it was quite apt for us ladies with police officers as stbxh's...

"Never wrestle with a pig – you’ll both get dirty, and the pig will love it".

iwas...we can be a young as we feel on here. Unfortunately I feel like 85 but hey no one can see the wrinkles on the web. xx

semtex I hope you persuaded yourself to get out and about (not that it matters if you changed your mind) as long as you had a lovely evening.

Sakura get yourself down to the CAB (Citizen's Advice Bureau) for info if you haven't already - they'll be sure to be explain the system to you. You're doing really well!

Frizzy I'm glad you're having some cava. It has been really tough, however ill he looks, please remember he chose this - and you probably feel really ill yourself. Please look after yourself first.

Ali how are you feeling now? It sounds awful. Tomorrow is a new day and you can start afresh with your DD again. I don't think mediation is suitable for this situation - although it's compulsory for most if you're heading towards the divorce courts rather than trying to settle out of court. Have a chat with DD when you next can about making a regular routine for seeing her father and then he doesn't need to come to the house at all. I'd also give up on the texting him as any contact from them is often abusive, personally.

RE: Locks. You are not allowed to change them, however, it is perfectly reasonable to put extra locks (internal ones only - like a good bolt!) on the doors if you 'feel vulnerable' now that the man of the house has vacated it. It stops intruders just waltzing in you know.

Toast SM is a quagmire (what isn't in divorce?!). Basically you can apply for Interim periodical payments during the divorce ...but two things to bear in mind a) he has to be able to afford it after he's paid his own bills, and b) if you take him to court, it may end up costing your more than you get in SM. However, if you self-litigate this isn't a worry. Then, of course, you have the joy of them 'forgetting to pay it'...

Regarding SM after - you normally get a period of settling down, but again see a). However, courts have swung against SM now (unless you're in London...and even then). It's really up to you what you negotiate (e.g. a greater share of the equity).

Remember all of his 'ideas' for splits are not necessarily anything like what you actually get. They usually, at some point, get a rather rude awakening when they are being arses.

But it's worth having a look at David Terry's Divorce Forum (and posting there) about your circumstances.

why me lol that was me said that ! Pig reference being apt xxx

wellwhoknew yes definitely there will have to be something done regarding him entering the house as he pleases. And I really hope dd is forgiving tomorrow. I'm actually really interested in that SM issue too given that my h is paying less and no child support. It's so hard to know what is reasonable when you don't work and the only thing I have to negotiate over is debt lol and of course his pension!!

Morning all

Well it's a nice sunny day here, and it's a day off work, so that has to be a bonus. I'm going to get some washing done, just enough so I have work clothes for tomorrow; do a little bit more decorating, then have a bit of a poodle around. I'm choosing to ignore the fact that the grass needs a cut.

iwas Links. Go to the the bottom of the page you are on now. It shows you there. Copy and paste the whole address. Let's see if you can do a link to your own thread and put a title in. Like this:
iwasisanidiot

iwas cake is for afterwards! not instead of....

Morning everyone, the sun is shining here too and me and the girls are off out to sunny Torquay. Have never visited before so looking forward to that

Hallo everyone - still here and reading..bit preoccupied last few days with my son and his relationship issues and have just felt so darned tired myself . Starts making you thinking that there should be 2 of you in support as opposed to one. Sun is sort of shining and planning on getting out and about later for some fresh air. Hope you all have a good day!

izzie have you thought about setting up a female decorating business?

Wise as long as I'm not doing the painting that fine. Anyway, I won't have any paintbrushes once I've finished. You may remember I have plans for them

Morning all. Sunny here too. Feel calm and slept well too. Phew. I'm going to keep going with the paperwork that I didn't finish yesterday and work through the piles of washing that dear DC brought home.

I know all your DC have survived your separations one way or another - although Ali your dd obviously finding it hard at the moment. I'm dreading telling them - especially as I'm moving out of the home they love, but the situation is what it is I guess. Thanks for the reassurances ladies. I'd be lying if I said there weren't tensions and major rows over the years and so I'm sure -like yours Izzie - there'll be some relief intermingled with the sadness.

according enjoy Torquay. Koko all xx

Dog walk followed by a food fayre planned for today.

H is still keen to have the dog, but he'll have to fight me and dd so it's not going to happen, it's all very PA. He'll have to settle for borrowing him occasionally.

Clearly her dog doesn't cut it as a replacement, a familiar theme there for him

1 my sons' and my home is a happy place now. I think also that your DS still at home will feel more at ease to bring friends round to his new home. It's very clear to me that you are a very kind person and I have no doubts that you will be able to ease your DC through it. Also, you will get a lot if support from them. Your youngest in particular. My sons have been brilliant.

I'm taking dog with me too. W

He'd love to keep him but not practical as he's away such a lot. I might agree to weekend visits though.

Braving

A brilliant line and I love your attitude.

I wouldn't mess with you

Well if I decide to get a dog again, I shall get one like Jess, one who doesn't take kindly to new people. I quite like the idea of him being barked out of the house. Well I can forget a lab then.....

Thanks Izzie. Funnily enough, my dd asked if her (lovely) bf could come and stay next weekend as they don't get to see huge amount of each other. Different unis. I said yes but now am going to have to 'work on' her father to agree. I'm looking forward to a 'freer' regime. I like the house filled with comings and goings - HRT less so!!

That's exactly it, 1

1 This is how I imagine HRT. That's why I find him amusing. Obviously wouldn't if I lived with him....

www.youtube.com/watch?v=y2m4stAZqss

- yes - that's him! Slightly less calm though when in his indignant state!! As a boy/young man he was so different though. We can probably all say that. Maybe I was too. I can honestly look at him now and say "what a twat!"

Some advice needed - some good friends of ours keep inviting us over/out. They've just emailed to say that they've got tickets for something on Friday - I can't face it with HRT and am tired of excuses. I don't want to meet up with her alone as I know I'll cry etc etc. I'm not ready yet to start talking to people in RL about it. ( only one very old friend who lives away knows and my m and d) I'm tempted to send her/them an email explaining the bare bones of situation. I'm 99 percent certain that they'll keep news to themselves. Is it odd to send an email? What did you guys all do? Is it wrong to tell friends before DC and rest of family? Thanks all x

Ps My boss at work knows too and whenever she asks if I'm ok I feel like blubbing and so have asked her not to say anything to me about it!