HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on ...part 7

[Izzie595]

Nobody understands the fully devastating impact of the ending of a marriage unless and until they experience it themselves.

Welcome to Hobbit's Bar. Thread number 7.

This is the place where we meet to let it all out, to share experiences, to get support, and maybe give support if and when we feel able. And also to sometimes have a good laugh about things, because Hell, we've earned the right to laugh!

The bar is owned by Hobbit. She is adorable, kind, and bonkers. And lazy. So we take turns in running the bar for her ladyship.

I'm the latest proprietor of the bar. Izzie Age 54. Married 30 years. Two young adult sons living with me. Husband left to live with OW on Halloween last year. Very appropriate! No moves towards divorce or financial settlement at present. I started posting my own stuff on MN at the start of the year. Best thing I ever did. Well, I've had better successes in life, but you get my point, yes? I've been through the whole range of emotions, backwards, forwards, round and round: it's not a linear process by any means. And it does seem common to have a huge crash at 4 to 6 months on. Today I'm meh. Mostly.

There are a range of experiences in the Bar, generally at any one time. Examples: the early stages of separation; negotiating; legal matters; abuse in all forms; feeling stronger; having a major crash again; dealing with fuckwittery from the exes; financial worries; issues involving both young and adult children; moving towards the Mecca that is "meh". Basically, the whole works. Believe me, whatever you are currently experiencing, you are not alone.

My advice to any newbies: just jump in, but if you have the time and inclination, try reading all of the threads. You will see real women experiencing their bleakest moments, their progress, their dips, their innermost thoughts.

Rules of The Bar

1. Don't ask to join just come in.
2. The phrase Party Pooper is banned. We may be having a good old giggle sometimes but someone in need must interrupt whatever is going on. We can't all be in sync, but someone in need ALWAYS takes priority.
3. You are not obliged to give advice, reply to any posts, there are no expectations of you. Take what you want from the thread.

And just to ease you in, here are a few things you may wish to know:

1. An Izzietini is the bar drink.
2. A number 6 refers to rule number 6 in Hobbit's Twunts list. Reasons why they do things. Because they are....... erm, no, the answer is not "misguided".
3. Mother, WellWhoKnew or WWK. Recently divorced, previous proprietor of the Bar and a legend of MN to those who followed her own threads. Also a legend on here for her straightforward advice. And keeps us in order.
4. Some of the posters also have their own threads. I hope they will do a link for you.
5. There's a bad case of exclamationitis on here. Occurs when trying to put in a comma on ipad, but it auto corrects to an exclamation mark. So if you post and get a dodgy comment back, eg "Have you thought about counselling! sounds like you need help!".....please believe us that we are not sarky cows. Because the rule of exclamationitis is that we only spot it after we have posted!
6. Our sayings are Shit, this is hard and KOKO, keep on keeping on.
7. Our theme tune to keep us going, is below.
8. Jess is our sausage snuffling mascot. Owned by Hobbit, she pops up every now and again to entertain us and to dispense her own brand of advice. She says it as it is. She is currently busy knitting herself some new hats.

At the start of the year Fontella posted this on the first thread:

"Can I just say as more of a reader rather than a participant on this thread (I got shot of my lying, conniving, controlling ex 10 years ago) that this is fast turning into my favourite thread. Lots of powerful, courageous and funny (in a good way) women all coming together and supporting each other through an incredibly painful time. You are all fabulous!"

I couldn't have put it better myself.

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

wwk definitely a sneaky hug from me. Ps You should stand for parliament! (I might vote then)

I think that bank holiday weekends, Easter and (omg can hardly bear to think about it - Xmas) etc are always going to be hard going. Until my knight in shining armour comes and rescues me of course. (Don't know why I wrote that....don't want a knight at the moment in shining armour or otherwise and I'm going to rescue myself).

izzie you've been amazingly strong this weekend Don't overdo it though with the decorating. You were so poorly very recently remember. Now I'm sounding like mother

I'm catching up on paperwork for work today - hiding in the office.

Ps ali you are beautiful, strong and worth a million of that shitty husband of yours. So glad relations with your dd are on the up at the moment. Don't panic if things deteriorate a bit again though. Normal with teenagers.

Toast it doesn't matter if you asked him to leave or if there is an OW involved or not. I asked my husband to leave and I am not the only one here who did that. Please post away, you will get a lot of support. x

I'm not sure what to post.
He moved out 3rd Feb. things had been bad for a very long time. My DDs were all unhappy and wanted him to go.
My tipping point was when he threatened to slit his wrists, out of anger, when he was in the same room as the DDs.
I have lots of posts on here about finding the courage to leave him.
Since then my DDs have blossomed. At first I felt fine, good, relieved. But now it's starting to crash down.
We saw the mediator last week, the financial stuff is stressing me out.
My mum and brother have pretty much disowned me. I have a thread running about that.

I nearly gave in and told him to come home this week. Because I'm so scared of the future.

Toast I left my H back in March. I did follow your thread (cant remember if I posted on it or not)

Hello Izzie pleased getting your thoughts down as helped you and that you are feeling okay today.

Raining here as well, it's bloody miserable so I'm staying in.

Cutted and Wise sorry you're both struggling today. Horrible weather and long weekends don't help really do they. I find the weather makes a big difference to my mood, but I'm really tired at the moment so am welcoming the excuse to have another lazy day.

WWK you have made fantastic progress and wish you speedy progress towards meh. From what you have said I would guess that having a job is a lot more important to you than just for monetary reasons. I think you feel a bit lost and need a purpose. Now that you have had all of the shit from MrSW out of the way there's been a void to fill and hopefully a job will fill that. I am sure the writing helps and the book but it's not so structured if you see what I mean.

All the best with the job hunting, people should be falling over themselves to employ you. Lots of unsubtle hugs and

Ali wow, you're gorgeous. So pleased you've made a bit of progress with your daughter. x

Toast I remember reading your post about him threatening to slit his wrists in front of your DD's. Even if he didn't mean it, it must have been very distressing for all of you.

I am pleased you found the courage to leave, it is never an easy decision whatever the circumstances. It is very normal to have a wobble about whether you are doing the right thing. If you are naturally finding the financial stuff hard and your family have not given you the support that they should have done then it can feel easier to just take him back so that all of those problems will go away.

But you will just be replacing one set of problems for the ones you were having before. The future is scary, absolutely petrifying in fact, but there will come a point when it stops being scary and you see all of the positives that you had to start with. The relief you felt and your happier children.

Taking him back will not make your life better and easier. You say things had been bad for a long time and your DD's wanted him to go. You will be back in that situation. I don't know if he's claiming he has changed but if things were bad for a long time I would guess that he had ample time then to have changed and you asking him to leave was the last straw after giving him chances previously.

I am so very sorry that your mum and brother have practically disowned you rather than supporting you. Do they know all the details of what happened. Stay strong sweetheart, we will help you and hand hold as much as we can.

toast's previous threads

Thought I would do links for those of us who have not read any of them.

Pre mediation chat

Coping strategies needed , maybe TMI

How to go NC with DM

husband's new haircut

Ali wow, you're gorgeous

Yes ali we know your game, trying to snatch Drifted from us. Especially now there's no Poldark distractions. Or in my case, the horse. Disclaimer, I am still most definitely not a prevert

Catch you all later, dropped DS2 at work so now no excuses not to paint x

don't want a knight at the moment in shining armour or otherwise and I'm going to rescue myself

1 here's a song for you and anyone else who has decided to rescue themselves. This is one of my motivational songs. I realised neither Heaven nor Hero would rescue me, so I wasn't going to stand around and wait.

Alice Sebold says in her book Lucky : "“You save yourself or you remain unsaved.”

That was a light bulb moment too. Some of us do have people who'll help, but on the whole we have to find our own way out of the wreckage. I used to think of my life as being rubble, like London after the Blitz. There were people to assist, I had a good therapist. But I still had to do the hard work of getting out and rebuilding my life.

I'm beginning to wonder whether he truly has a 'disorder' of some kind. He does. It's called "he's a cunt disorder"

Hahahahahaaaaa!

I fucking love Mumsnet!!

I fucking love Mumsnet!!

Someone should start a thread with all those gems.

font me too. I wish I'd discovered MN earlier.

roz a great song. You are right. I'm lucky in that my m and d would not see me homeless, I don't have young DC, do have a job, have my health (hopefully), and an H who has reached the top of his career ladder. H might try to run, but he can't hide financially. I understand that 'saving myself' is certainly easier for me than for some, but ultimately I guess we do need to save ourselves. Easier said than done I know but......what else can we do.

Yes, what's that saying, when in Hell, keep going

As a newcomer to this thread I am heartened that you like to call a cunt a cunt. I like you very much.

I will catch up and post the link to my thread, although to be honest the truly painful bit was so long ago I'm not inclined to given I feel so damn positive about the present and the future.

Thank you for having me.

Someone should start a thread with all those gems.

Not really appropriate for this thread maybe (although appropriate to some) on another thread, Mix described the period between knowing you've got to get out of a bad marriage/relationship .. and actually being able to either leave or kick him out as ....

sacrificial limbo

How brilliant is that? Two words and it just sums it up so perfectly!

Good the number 6 mentioned in Izzie's OP is our polite way of saying the above. But we normally call a spade a spade.

Pleased you are in a reasonable place and feel meh towards your ex. A few of us are in a similar place at the moment, myself included. It's a stage that you don't think you will ever get to at the start and there is a huge difference to the tone of some of our posts now compared to the utter despair that we were going through when Hobbit very kindly opened her bar to us all.

I totally agree with you about being so grateful to MN for all the support. x

Hello Font, yes I read Mix's post on that thread. There's a lot of good posts on there and well worth a read, despite the inauspicious OP.

It's the "to wonder why so many women put up with so much shit" - I don't know how to link.

Sorry for my insensitive post

Living didn't see anything insensitive about your post. If it wasn't a day off work I'd agree with you. x

Semtex what insensitive post?

Divorce is a plop.
Cunts are a plop.
Feeling shit is a plop.

I could go on and on about what is plop.

MN is NOT a plop.

Are you having a tough day?

Phew iwas thought I might have offended a few x

probably wwK agree with all of that yes they are cunts and wish all this feeling of limbo was over, if only I had a crystal ball x please x

Actually wwk i've just solved my own problem, I get like this when I've been invited out, weird but have last minute "I dont wanna go" moments, been invited out today, sure it will be ok when there but.... silly me eh or meh or THIS SHIT IS HARD x

Izziegood luck with the painting

Good I too love the appropriate addition of the word cunt, its a word that describes many of the men I have read about here, and on others thread. Right now particularly Ophelia's. I find myself simmering with rage on her behalf while reading it.

My thread for those that didn't see it is Here

I have had a dose of fuckwittery from him today and have the RAGE!

Firstly, arranged to go and collect my DD at 11. Text from him "we need to talk about contact as its not enough for a fortnight" - I dropped her round there yesterday morning. Ignored this one. Will compose email later stating that contact is to meet her needs and not HIS!

Got in car about 10:45 to collect her, hit a fucking pothole on route and got a flat tyre. Drove to supermarket garage and tried to put air in it, no chance. Its punctured. Phoned DD and explained she will probably have to get the bus, spoke to him briefly, he said he would bring her on the bus. I said its fine, just drop her in town and she can bus from there. Then he said "Oh yes, you don't want me to know where you live do you" told him to stop goading me and hung up.

Drove carefully back to my house with flat (I know naughty but it wasn't far) and contacted AA to find out he had cancelled it on 28th April. He failed to inform me of this. If I hadn't needed to call them today I would never have known. Have now set up the account to go from my own.

Cunt! will compose contact email after I have calmed down from this rage otherwise I don't trust what I will write.