HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on ...part 7

[Izzie595]

Nobody understands the fully devastating impact of the ending of a marriage unless and until they experience it themselves.

Welcome to Hobbit's Bar. Thread number 7.

This is the place where we meet to let it all out, to share experiences, to get support, and maybe give support if and when we feel able. And also to sometimes have a good laugh about things, because Hell, we've earned the right to laugh!

The bar is owned by Hobbit. She is adorable, kind, and bonkers. And lazy. So we take turns in running the bar for her ladyship.

I'm the latest proprietor of the bar. Izzie Age 54. Married 30 years. Two young adult sons living with me. Husband left to live with OW on Halloween last year. Very appropriate! No moves towards divorce or financial settlement at present. I started posting my own stuff on MN at the start of the year. Best thing I ever did. Well, I've had better successes in life, but you get my point, yes? I've been through the whole range of emotions, backwards, forwards, round and round: it's not a linear process by any means. And it does seem common to have a huge crash at 4 to 6 months on. Today I'm meh. Mostly.

There are a range of experiences in the Bar, generally at any one time. Examples: the early stages of separation; negotiating; legal matters; abuse in all forms; feeling stronger; having a major crash again; dealing with fuckwittery from the exes; financial worries; issues involving both young and adult children; moving towards the Mecca that is "meh". Basically, the whole works. Believe me, whatever you are currently experiencing, you are not alone.

My advice to any newbies: just jump in, but if you have the time and inclination, try reading all of the threads. You will see real women experiencing their bleakest moments, their progress, their dips, their innermost thoughts.

Rules of The Bar

1. Don't ask to join just come in.
2. The phrase Party Pooper is banned. We may be having a good old giggle sometimes but someone in need must interrupt whatever is going on. We can't all be in sync, but someone in need ALWAYS takes priority.
3. You are not obliged to give advice, reply to any posts, there are no expectations of you. Take what you want from the thread.

And just to ease you in, here are a few things you may wish to know:

1. An Izzietini is the bar drink.
2. A number 6 refers to rule number 6 in Hobbit's Twunts list. Reasons why they do things. Because they are....... erm, no, the answer is not "misguided".
3. Mother, WellWhoKnew or WWK. Recently divorced, previous proprietor of the Bar and a legend of MN to those who followed her own threads. Also a legend on here for her straightforward advice. And keeps us in order.
4. Some of the posters also have their own threads. I hope they will do a link for you.
5. There's a bad case of exclamationitis on here. Occurs when trying to put in a comma on ipad, but it auto corrects to an exclamation mark. So if you post and get a dodgy comment back, eg "Have you thought about counselling! sounds like you need help!".....please believe us that we are not sarky cows. Because the rule of exclamationitis is that we only spot it after we have posted!
6. Our sayings are Shit, this is hard and KOKO, keep on keeping on.
7. Our theme tune to keep us going, is below.
8. Jess is our sausage snuffling mascot. Owned by Hobbit, she pops up every now and again to entertain us and to dispense her own brand of advice. She says it as it is. She is currently busy knitting herself some new hats.

At the start of the year Fontella posted this on the first thread:

"Can I just say as more of a reader rather than a participant on this thread (I got shot of my lying, conniving, controlling ex 10 years ago) that this is fast turning into my favourite thread. Lots of powerful, courageous and funny (in a good way) women all coming together and supporting each other through an incredibly painful time. You are all fabulous!"

I couldn't have put it better myself.

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

I am startingagain. So many times. My husband of thirty two years left a couple of years ago, it was planned by home for some time. He is back with the OW he had an affair with six years ago. In fact, their baby is due right now. I fell apart and am startingagain with the putting myself back together. Money is a problem and divorce negation snare not going well. I am not particularly well and my employer is trying to ditch me. At the moment I am just making everything as hard as possible for him and them. Not my usual take on things at all.

I have three sons, all fab although middle lad causes some ructions. Only one under 18, I am dragging out the settlement as when done I will not be able to live with all three. I simply can't afford it and he has no legal obligation to them. I need to fight for spousal, not nice.

Wasted today. Need to get on, I have masses to do. Suffering from that strange inertia that attacks when you know it is not possible to get it all done so don't even start! Anyone else know that one?

1 no I think it's a technical thing. The same as WWK's photo used to come and go. Well, it's actually a bit woo, remember, cos it used to come and go depending on where WWK was at the time. So maybe Jess is out chasing the postman or summat.

I checked the talk guidelines. No problems there.

But I'm still very very sad that it's not on the opener at the moment. So, I've put it up here instead. That's better!

Fuckit I certainly do know that feeling.

FuckIt I know exactly what you mean. I have so much to do I don't even know where to start so I haven't. It's been like that for months weeks. I'm not motivated and I'm tired. I do the basics at the moment and that is it. The house used to be really tidy and neat but I wasn't motivated to do much housework when everything happened about from an odd manic hour in the middle of the night on a few occasions.

It feels like there's too much to do now and I would rather come on here so I do. I feel like everything has caught up with me and when I get a bit of time to myself I just want to sit down and relax rather than do housework and paperwork.

Fuckit I do everything in mad spurts, I had an hour or so packing up the rest of H's things this morning and I've barely moved off the sofa since. I wanted tackle my bedroom this afternoon, but haven't managed anything.

I just can't find the energy or motivation.

Ditto iwas

Must be that kind of day

Agreed. That kind of day. The bare minimum of chores going on here today.

Weird re picture.

I had my initial spurt when he left of continually working beyond exhaustion, and then gradually become less and less motivated and more and more tired. I haven't really done much housework at all since he left. I've had the odd moment but it doesn't last. I keep telling myself that it would only take a minute or so to dust such and such. And I think, well that's ok then, when I decide to do it, it won't take long. And that's as far as it goes. I'm with iwas about coming on here. I've never done any internet chat stuff before, and I enjoy it. But yes, I find there is always too much to do. Also, I tend to flit from one thing to another. So whereas Braving is systematically sorting out his things room by room, I would be all over the place doing it. Same as the decorating, I have allsorts on the go. I think if I had concentrated on one room at a time, I would have given up by now. Sometimes I just need an easy hit, so rather than finish off certain things, I will go do a first coat on another wall. It will all get done eventually, though.

I'm having another break from the painting. Doing the ceiling with a brush, don't trust myself with a roller, so consequently takes a lot longer, and my neck is aching. I've also had to paint behind a towel rail. If he were here he could have taken it off the wall and painted it quickly. I've had to do it the tricky way. As evidenced by the phrase "fucking bastard cunt" uttered at one particularly fed up moment!

It's his birthday on 13th. So should I text him happy birthday or should I not? Thoughts are: it keeps up a veneer which may serve me better for financial stuff; he's not my friend so why would I bother; he may take it as me being arsey and so feel superior. As it is, I've arranged to go out for a meal that night. I thought I might pay by credit card. His account so he gets to see the bill, and I'm hoping it will show the date I went. Alternatively, back to the texting, I could do it the day before or after, maybe it's a bit more casual and flippant that way.

Well, you lot sit there being lazy cows, I'm off to finish the ceiling

Hello, I've often wondered what Hobbit's Bar was but not ventured in. Turns out it might be a place for me.

Interesting to see about the crash at 4-6 months. I will keep a look out.

I am formerly, Suspiciousandsad and documented XHs appallingly sleazy narcissistic EA behaviour on MN some 4.5 years ago. I called time on it last October. I am happy 99.99% of the time since I ended it. We are going through mediation and divorce.

I have 4 DCs, pre-teen and teen. They seem ok. We seem to be happy as a unit if 5.

Goodbetterbest is how I feel I am improving, just getting better all the time. I do not care one jot for XH and I think it's genuine. I am extremely grateful to MN for it's continuing support and companionship.

I'm working I have three articles to write. One of 10K of words (got 9K done!!), one of 2K and one of 1K. The washing up is monumental. Meh!

1 I'm beginning to wonder whether he truly has a 'disorder' of some kind. He does. It's called "he's a cunt disorder".

Disclaimer: I have no official medical diagnosing skills whatsoever.

Right back to it...

Good question Izzie don't know what the etiquette is, I suppose I'll get dd to phone or email H, and she'll still get him a card and present. But what do you buy?

If it was just me, I don't think I'd bother, but then I'd be sad if he returned the favour and ignored mine.

It's difficult, thankfully in my case my birthday is first.

Fathers day is coming up though.

wwk yes- you're right. He does. Stupid man. He's actually taken DS out for a bit today to get some revision cards and stationary etc. When he came back he said for me to please not tell him that he doesn't ever do things with his son as here was the evidence that he did - some
pens and pencils. I had to laugh - since when is doing what parents are bloody well supposed to do and buy their kids something to write with worthy of some kind of special recognition. When I pointed out that he was simply doing what fathers are supposed to do, he actually looked hurt.

Working is good I guess WWK? Any news on the job/interview front?

Hello good - there's light at the end of the tunnel then

izzie my dear and wise mum does keep pointing out to me that there's no mileage in pointless antagonising at this stage - even though she'd quite happily poke his eyes out. I'm slightly embarrassed to admit that until the finances are sorted I don't want to antagonise him more than is necessary. I don't think I cld wish mine a 'happy' birthday but I'd probably text to say that I hope he has a good day or something equally bland and non committal. I'm not ready to wish HRT 'happy' anything yet.

On another note - is it time yet? Too early? Nope I don't think it is....

The sun is always over the yardarm somewhere in the world 1nogoingback

according decision made then

Good welcome. It may be useful for others if you could do a link to your other thread, if that's ok with you?

posters with their own threads if you can do the links for me, I will gradually carry them forward into one post for others

Father's Day, well that will be a non event in this house. He will get a text from the kids, no cards because they wouldn't acknowledge her existence by sending it to her house. Although I don't think he's actually given them his address. His attitude seems to be his life is his own business, and nothing to do with us. Well that suits us fine. I think it's now two years since DS2 got him anything for Father's Day.

As for what to get him for his birthday, for those who have to do it for their children, I would be tempted to let them decide. I wouldn't make any effort to get them anything well thought out.

Previous thread we still have 64 posts left on that. What shall we do on it? I will put something to that effect on it. And I think we should have some fun.

Name Ali Age 45
Mum to ds 19 and dd 15
status: 2 months 9 hours separated today.
Marriage: 20 yrs married on 11 May, 23 together. I thought the sun rose and set in his arse. He's a high ranking PO
Background: 7 yrs ago had brain tumour partially removed and medically retired at 38.
Didn't realise I was married to the Club President of EA forever. Also weekend binge drinker which lead to promotion of CP of EA

Left after a 3 day non speaking punishment session and coincidentally when my med negligence claim £38,000 ish was squandered by him. He left with my car ( that I deserved because of what I'd been through... He said ) funny though he left behind his shitty 10 yr old car.
Currently... Being abused by txt and through threat of taking dd. he is desperate to get me out of house as he can't afford one. I'm going bankrupt because he took everything and he's up to his neck in debt... His answer was get rid of me and problem sorted.
No child support and withholding whatever he can.
Due to a comment made by solicitor and only then did I think my marriage wasn't normal. Still struggling from day to day but last night was a breakthrough ( will touch on later ). Have been made to feel worthless, stupid, ugly, "fucking mental" ( his favourite )
Want to feel like a person worth knowing as he destroyed any friendships I had.
His name, anything with the word fuck and bastard in it

Ali is that a pic of you, you are beautiful!

Izzie I vote we fill it with all the guilty secret songs we were always ashamed to admit we like. I've already outed myself with my secret abba obsession lol

According I was thinking that this morning. Right, mine really is embarrassing. Off we shuffle to the other thread.....

According yup that's me and I put it up to try and start believing in myself! I have always been too afraid to show pics or meet new people.
Major breakthrough with dad last night !!!
After her coming in late and me leaving her friend home, it had been such a frazzling day and I was emotionally drained. We were actually just back in driveway when she said " So are you going to tell me why you were crying ?"
After reassuring her that her Gran wasn't dying she then demanded to know what was going on. I told her again that it was something I felt she shouldn't have to deal with... I was exhausted and she kept pushing, so a very watered down version of the EA I had and was suffering from came out. I asked her not to respond, just listen and then she could take what she wanted out of it and in no way was I expecting or wanting either her sympathy or to take sides. We must have sat for an hour and I cried, gave very limited examples of the EA and then said "let's go in". She hugged me and I went to bed. I had the most restless almost out of body type sleep and couldn't physically get out of bed until 1.30 pm !!
Got official letter in post of stoppage of legal aid, along with an offer of a council house, which really surprised me. We got dressed, went and looked at it and both decided NO the time wasn't right. I do t want to move her when we have literally just started talking. So I have to think of a reason ( most likely it would be bad mentally for her ) to give for turning down. Not sure if we go to bottom of list but I'm not going to leave my home until I'm good and ready..... So anyway, worried all day that dd would hate me for what I told her and that I shouldn't have said anything, so asked her if she was ok. She told me that after talking to her last night she went to bed feeling that there was hope for us to build on our relationship and she was glad I had finally opened up ( albeit she doesn't know the half of it ). Fuckwit has not seen her in 2 days and I'm not asking why but just hoping he isn't gearing up for another battle. I didn't respond to his obnoxious email and haven't considered texting. I think I just broke myself yesterday and need to start putting myself back together. One step at a time. I don't mean to talk without helping but it's just been so draining and yet strangely cathartic xx

Oops that should say dd damned autocorrect

He does. It's called "he's a cunt disorder". perfect