HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on ...part 7

[Izzie595]

Nobody understands the fully devastating impact of the ending of a marriage unless and until they experience it themselves.

Welcome to Hobbit's Bar. Thread number 7.

This is the place where we meet to let it all out, to share experiences, to get support, and maybe give support if and when we feel able. And also to sometimes have a good laugh about things, because Hell, we've earned the right to laugh!

The bar is owned by Hobbit. She is adorable, kind, and bonkers. And lazy. So we take turns in running the bar for her ladyship.

I'm the latest proprietor of the bar. Izzie Age 54. Married 30 years. Two young adult sons living with me. Husband left to live with OW on Halloween last year. Very appropriate! No moves towards divorce or financial settlement at present. I started posting my own stuff on MN at the start of the year. Best thing I ever did. Well, I've had better successes in life, but you get my point, yes? I've been through the whole range of emotions, backwards, forwards, round and round: it's not a linear process by any means. And it does seem common to have a huge crash at 4 to 6 months on. Today I'm meh. Mostly.

There are a range of experiences in the Bar, generally at any one time. Examples: the early stages of separation; negotiating; legal matters; abuse in all forms; feeling stronger; having a major crash again; dealing with fuckwittery from the exes; financial worries; issues involving both young and adult children; moving towards the Mecca that is "meh". Basically, the whole works. Believe me, whatever you are currently experiencing, you are not alone.

My advice to any newbies: just jump in, but if you have the time and inclination, try reading all of the threads. You will see real women experiencing their bleakest moments, their progress, their dips, their innermost thoughts.

Rules of The Bar

1. Don't ask to join just come in.
2. The phrase Party Pooper is banned. We may be having a good old giggle sometimes but someone in need must interrupt whatever is going on. We can't all be in sync, but someone in need ALWAYS takes priority.
3. You are not obliged to give advice, reply to any posts, there are no expectations of you. Take what you want from the thread.

And just to ease you in, here are a few things you may wish to know:

1. An Izzietini is the bar drink.
2. A number 6 refers to rule number 6 in Hobbit's Twunts list. Reasons why they do things. Because they are....... erm, no, the answer is not "misguided".
3. Mother, WellWhoKnew or WWK. Recently divorced, previous proprietor of the Bar and a legend of MN to those who followed her own threads. Also a legend on here for her straightforward advice. And keeps us in order.
4. Some of the posters also have their own threads. I hope they will do a link for you.
5. There's a bad case of exclamationitis on here. Occurs when trying to put in a comma on ipad, but it auto corrects to an exclamation mark. So if you post and get a dodgy comment back, eg "Have you thought about counselling! sounds like you need help!".....please believe us that we are not sarky cows. Because the rule of exclamationitis is that we only spot it after we have posted!
6. Our sayings are Shit, this is hard and KOKO, keep on keeping on.
7. Our theme tune to keep us going, is below.
8. Jess is our sausage snuffling mascot. Owned by Hobbit, she pops up every now and again to entertain us and to dispense her own brand of advice. She says it as it is. She is currently busy knitting herself some new hats.

At the start of the year Fontella posted this on the first thread:

"Can I just say as more of a reader rather than a participant on this thread (I got shot of my lying, conniving, controlling ex 10 years ago) that this is fast turning into my favourite thread. Lots of powerful, courageous and funny (in a good way) women all coming together and supporting each other through an incredibly painful time. You are all fabulous!"

I couldn't have put it better myself.

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

Ali that is such a heartwarming post. I'm so pleased that you are making progress with DD. You are a beautiful person, both inside and out. I hope this is the start of the return of your confidence. X

Jess is back on the opening post

Great start Izzie

Yes I would text him on his Birthday. You should keep it as amicable as possible in advance of the financials as this will be in your favour and he won't have his defences up.

Ali good post - looks like you are getting through to your daughter. It's a good idea not to openly badmouth him to her. I'm sure she'll eventually get the gist. A council house? What was it like? Depending on how your disclosure pans out it sounds like something to consider. With spousal from him and a future share of his pension it might help with becoming more or less self sufficient. Did you get my email? (Spreadsheet bobs at it again!!!)

Goodbetterbest hi and welcome to the thread. How's your mediation panning you? Me and Hobbit are going through the same at the moment

bobs get over to fill some space on the old thread

And thanks for the advice. Will do

So me...

Name: bobs
Age: 55
Mum to DD 21 (just finishing uni) and DD 18 doing A Levels and then going to uni
Married 22-ish years. For a good part of the marriage I have been going through a slow separation/detachment due to his PA behaviour amongst other things. I instigated divorce autumn 2013, we sold our house and he had the proceeds frozen till we sorted financials. Nisi granted a year ago on the basis of 2 year separation. Since then we have been in rental. No contact between him and myself and DDs. His behaviour very damaging to them mentally.
Status: We did a year of solicitors, getting nowhere extremely slowly and have now been doing mediation since last December. Inability on his part to respond to any proposals so might be court or arbitration next.

Izzie I've been over there and used up my pics allowance. Can only think of rude words now

iwas did the last post. Beat me to putting in the link.

It wasn't me Izzie x

I think I would probably send a simple "Happy Birthday" text, it just avoids potentially getting his back up. I think things like that are so difficult, it was Sid's Birthday in November, he was still living at home then so I just gave him a card. He hates his Birthday and had told me not to bother getting him a present years ago so I didn't really have that much to change.

Oops think it was me with last post. Sorry. Too enthusiastic - I hadn't realised it was so close to end.

Frizzy going back to what was said before. I can certainly relate to the view that when there are heightened emotions, it's impossible to think straight. I don't want to dwell on my situation, not today, but sometimes we fight for things because we want the choice, because we are afraid of the alternative. And we can get so caught up in that fight that we don't question what was actually happening to cause that situation. And then, if we get what we want, we then have to deal with the fallout.

There is definitely a lot to be said for time and distance allowing both sides to gain a perspective. I can't remember your back story, why he left, but I would say that this time would allow you to examine if the relationship is worth salvaging, if you have a choice in the matter.

I'm all for trying to save a marriage. I would just advise to make sure it is a marriage worth trying to save

As for trying to analyse where it went wrong etc. Actually I'm one of those who needs to have closure, some answers. I have a lot of unanswered stuff with my own situation. I have now come to the conclusion that it will always be the case, however much more I try to analyse. And for my own sake, I am trying to distance myself from those thoughts

No probs iwas

Don't worry 1, someone's got to have it! x

Although the anniversary is Monday, I think today was the significant one,being the Saturday of the bank holiday weekend. It's been on my mind, but I've been positive for the most part. Shed some tears this evening. Tomorrow will be difficult too. Honeymoon memories connected with the other place. Then I think Monday is just a date. I miss the man I married, but I don't know when he disappeared. He's not the man I'm separated from.

I've had quite a lot of tears tonight. Not felt so much grief since New Years Eve. But I've reached my conclusions about things. As per last sentence of above paragraph.

I will be fine. I'm six months into healing.

I've deleted what I was going to say about him. That's for further down the line. I have to focus on my survival, my sons, my future.

I've already decided the rough plan for the next six months. And it's avout looking ahead now.

I will reply to PMs hopefully tomorrow, if not will do so Monday. Thank you xx

Izzie sorry to hear you've been in tears tonight although totally understandable. I hope and think that, like me, it's a temporary blip due to your anniversary and the associated bank holiday.

Our marriages meant something to us and we would not be human if we didn't mourn the end of them. It never entered my head that last year would be my last anniversary as a properly married woman. It does hit you on the day.

You have made huge strides and I am sure you will continue to do so.

Thinking of you. KOKO xx

I have just finished "wurk" so going to have a catch up.

Frizzy I hope you have a more cheerful bathroom this evening. If you're not feeling so cheerful, that's okay. It's still tough times.

Braving well done on the sorting out. I got a helluva ambushing by email when I got him to remove his stuff - apparently my actions were 'not approved of'! I'm finding that rather funny now, but it was awful at the time. Reclaiming your home is so important.

Izzie Firstly, thank you for the new thread. Secondly, re birthday ishoo, I'm not an expert in "amicable" divorces (I use the term loosely) so the best advice I can muster up is best you don't send him a Happy Birthday Cunt Card. For the record, I didn't send one to MrSW either. And I got shouted at on my birthday the previous year because my phone had stopped working. It was his old one...

As for crying - what's wrong with it? In my view of you (rightly or wrongly) you seem to impose a huge standard of yourself and then get frustrated when you don't meet it. Can I ask you to start questioning your expectations of yourself...just for a little while? At six months, I was at my FDA. Hypnotised. A barely functioning gibbering wreck. I know we are all different, but I do get upset when I read posters beating themselves up for not meeting impossible standards. Not that I'm imposing my standard on you (not difficult to outperform to be honest!) but there has to be some middle ground, no?

As an aside but to make a point to all Can I just say that one of the great things about all the more recent arrivals coming in to the bar, that for me, it has really helped me get a perspective on just how much of an ordeal I've survived. I'm no longer in the pit of total despair (although I still cry for five minutes a day), nor am I a gibbering wreck, nor do I feel anything close to being at the 'mecca of meh', but I can now 'see' just how far I have made progress. Without wishing to rub salt in the wounds, one of the good things about no longer being in divorce means I know where I stand (somewhat destitute but hey ho) but the 'is it more important to be happy or to be right?' mantra makes a good point. I just want to move on (and that means getting a fucking job - no joy there...) although this month, I managed to earn enough to cover most of my outgoings...and I actually enjoy writing for a living!

Late night for some WWK ?

I am up early as usual - weather is blowing a rainy load of crap here - just miserable..matches my mood this weekend - have reverted to the "woe is me, this is not how my life was meant to be" theme..I think it is down to being in a state of limbo and feeling that I deserved better than this but what else is there to do? Can't even be arsed to try to explain it ...

I have read through a few of these posts but not sure if it's just for those whose husbands have left them (for OW) or if id be ok to be on here when I was the one who asked him to leave?

Morning all. The Jess pic has returned again. Funny how when I first looked it wasn't there and I was "huh" and then now it is I feel, "ahh" I thought I would start my first post each day with a pic of her, but seems I can't post any today WTF!!

I replied to a PM. I voiced things I don't want on thread, thoughts about the ex. Thoughts I had early on in the split and voiced to my brother at the time. Getting those thoughts down in the PM has reinforced that view and helped the healing, so thank you for the PM, you certainly have helped put things firmly in perspective again.

I feel ok today, not great because I'm going to do the shower room again. Some jobs I don't mind doing, this one, urgh!

Yes, WWK you are right about me. Shucks, I've been sussed! I'll get me coat, as they say! In my defence I will say that my situation went on a long time, so that's why I feel enough is enough and time to move on. And if I didn't have that defence,.....well, shucks, I've been sussed!

It's good to hear how you are getting on, Ms Onion. Remember, we want to hear about you too. I notice we rarely give you advice. That is cos we think you is invincible! What we should remember is that you may be the very last person we would want to be fighting against in court, but for the rest of it, you are a lovely lady who has gone through a horrendous ordeal, and is still coming to terms with it all. So, advice is......good re the washing up, and be gentle with yourself in other areas. Oh and KOKO xx and I think me and 1 will give you a sneaky hug

Love to everyone else, KOKO. It's raining here. I for one am pleased about that because it means I can forget about cutting the grass.

Newbies can I come back to what WWK has said in that paragraph? Yes, all true. Sometimes it's only when we look back that we realise how far we have progressed.

toast it's for all. A number of the posters were the ones who left. It's basically anyone whose major relationship has crashed

Wobbling massively today.

cutted join the "Feel like utter shite today" Club

Think combo of crappy crappy weather and a bank holiday on top of all our troubles ?

Solutions? Get busy and do stuff - like painting ? Shower grouting ? Watch mindless TV ? Go back to sleep ( if feeling tired like me) ? I find that in times of total despondency it is best just to NOT think at all ....until I feel stronger..

toast I did a quick search on your user a name and read a few lines of one of your threads. Absolutely, there are posters on here who have been/ are in similar situations. It would be helpful if you could post a link to your thread(s), if that's ok with you? If you can't post links, let us know how many threads you have and we will do it for you

Sundays should be cancelled, they are plop