HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on ...part 7

[Izzie595]

Nobody understands the fully devastating impact of the ending of a marriage unless and until they experience it themselves.

Welcome to Hobbit's Bar. Thread number 7.

This is the place where we meet to let it all out, to share experiences, to get support, and maybe give support if and when we feel able. And also to sometimes have a good laugh about things, because Hell, we've earned the right to laugh!

The bar is owned by Hobbit. She is adorable, kind, and bonkers. And lazy. So we take turns in running the bar for her ladyship.

I'm the latest proprietor of the bar. Izzie Age 54. Married 30 years. Two young adult sons living with me. Husband left to live with OW on Halloween last year. Very appropriate! No moves towards divorce or financial settlement at present. I started posting my own stuff on MN at the start of the year. Best thing I ever did. Well, I've had better successes in life, but you get my point, yes? I've been through the whole range of emotions, backwards, forwards, round and round: it's not a linear process by any means. And it does seem common to have a huge crash at 4 to 6 months on. Today I'm meh. Mostly.

There are a range of experiences in the Bar, generally at any one time. Examples: the early stages of separation; negotiating; legal matters; abuse in all forms; feeling stronger; having a major crash again; dealing with fuckwittery from the exes; financial worries; issues involving both young and adult children; moving towards the Mecca that is "meh". Basically, the whole works. Believe me, whatever you are currently experiencing, you are not alone.

My advice to any newbies: just jump in, but if you have the time and inclination, try reading all of the threads. You will see real women experiencing their bleakest moments, their progress, their dips, their innermost thoughts.

Rules of The Bar

1. Don't ask to join just come in.
2. The phrase Party Pooper is banned. We may be having a good old giggle sometimes but someone in need must interrupt whatever is going on. We can't all be in sync, but someone in need ALWAYS takes priority.
3. You are not obliged to give advice, reply to any posts, there are no expectations of you. Take what you want from the thread.

And just to ease you in, here are a few things you may wish to know:

1. An Izzietini is the bar drink.
2. A number 6 refers to rule number 6 in Hobbit's Twunts list. Reasons why they do things. Because they are....... erm, no, the answer is not "misguided".
3. Mother, WellWhoKnew or WWK. Recently divorced, previous proprietor of the Bar and a legend of MN to those who followed her own threads. Also a legend on here for her straightforward advice. And keeps us in order.
4. Some of the posters also have their own threads. I hope they will do a link for you.
5. There's a bad case of exclamationitis on here. Occurs when trying to put in a comma on ipad, but it auto corrects to an exclamation mark. So if you post and get a dodgy comment back, eg "Have you thought about counselling! sounds like you need help!".....please believe us that we are not sarky cows. Because the rule of exclamationitis is that we only spot it after we have posted!
6. Our sayings are Shit, this is hard and KOKO, keep on keeping on.
7. Our theme tune to keep us going, is below.
8. Jess is our sausage snuffling mascot. Owned by Hobbit, she pops up every now and again to entertain us and to dispense her own brand of advice. She says it as it is. She is currently busy knitting herself some new hats.

At the start of the year Fontella posted this on the first thread:

"Can I just say as more of a reader rather than a participant on this thread (I got shot of my lying, conniving, controlling ex 10 years ago) that this is fast turning into my favourite thread. Lots of powerful, courageous and funny (in a good way) women all coming together and supporting each other through an incredibly painful time. You are all fabulous!"

I couldn't have put it better myself.

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

No offence at all Living. Sorry you're feeling in limbo, I've ordered you a crystal ball but I don't know if it works x

semtex I for one am pretty impossible to offend. Anything that anyone writes on here is likely to be chicken feed compared to the offensive comments I've had over the years from HRT. Saying that Sundays are plop is true a lot of the time.

Enjoy today. Hope you do go....

according to you too.

Living the fear of going out is normally worse than the reality. Sometimes I find things that I worry about and don't want to do quite often turn out well. Hope you have a nice time.

ATM (you've just turned into a cash machine!!! can I have £100 please ) sorry you've had a shit day so far. Things like punctures always happen at the worst possible time. The snippy comments from him don't help do they. Sorry he's still making it difficult for you.

Good that you're sounding strong again, I expect it was quite hard going for you re-reading your thread. x

according he really is a cunt !!! Not sure if same where you are but a pothole did the same to my last car and twisted the wheel. Go back and take photos of pothole... Was there any warning or paint around it ? You are entitled to claim for the damage done. It takes a while but you should get it.
Feeling strangely calm still .... "Still waters" and all that shit !
I actually just sat and wrote email about whether he is going to provide child support as my solicitor suggested with the withdrawal of my legal aid and with him ( being a cunt ) not using his solicitor to answer, it might be an idea. Anyway I wrote the thing and then thought to myself 'nah I haven't heard from him in days and do I really want an egotistical load of wank back in return ( excuse choice of words but basically sums it up, useless and no good when it's aimed at me ) Sooooo didn't bother my arse sending.... Silence is golden, at least for today.... I'll get the bastard in the long grass lol .... Lots of hugs going out to everyone who needs one as I need to be calm today. Xxx

1nogoingback thank you lovely

Iwas it was really hard to revisit that time and place again. I can remember where I was in the house when I made each post. The post from Poppy that just filled me with immediate tears and made me run to the bathroom to have a "moment". The latter ones where he was sat in the lounge, sighing heavily (while we were waiting for the keys) still makes me angry, why did he do that? idiot! fortunately I was able to rescue my AA membership today. So he thought he was going to stitch me up on that? take that sucker!

Ali I will do that yes, thank you. I know exactly where it happened and will have a go. Its going to cost me to repair the tyre after all. sorry but I did LOL at "do I really want an egotistical load of wank back in return Sooooo didn't bother my arse sending" brilliant..go you! xXx

Ali good to hear that you are calm. Your choice of words made me smile too, as you say keep it calm for as long as possible. x

ATM you put up with a lot and hopefully, however hard, you seem to have found benefit from re-reading your thread. Your OP on your thread was one of the most moving I have read on here. I have re-read bits of mine at various times and it does take you back. Well done on rescuing the AA membership, I think I would have gone to pieces about it! x

Good I can relate to the business about not wanting to post link to your thread etc. On thread 6 when we did our intros, I couldn't be arsed to acknowledge the bugger, I was bored bored bored of all his ninsense, and just wanted it to be about me and the kids.

according what a piece of plop your ex is. So underhand to do that.

living ditto no offence taken! that word takes me back to my primary school days! I just find it amusing. And Sundays, yes agreed. Unless it's followed by a week off work. And going out, yes what iwas said! yes! very common feeling I think. I find the things I have low expectations of end up being the most enjoyable, going out wise.

ali, yes detach! no contact. I think I would rather literally bang my head against a brick wall rather than deal with his arsey communications. At least the brick wall way is quick and there's something to show for it.

My mind has been wandering as I'm painting. Remembered how he often used to say "I'm sorry if you feel that......[whatever my gripe about him was]". No acknowledgement of his own actions, and the implication that I was a silly little woman with a screw loose". Oh he's his father's son in that respect. What a dickhead! Pompous little man. With people like that, you either cave in, as his mother did, or you fight it. Certainly can't reason with some of these gene pool traits

Exclamationitis in full flow today....!

I set up my own membership of the RAC without telling him. I figured that if he had changed the address, I wouldn't be covered for home breakdown. He went mental when I told him, said it was unnecessary expense and that he would now at great expense cancel the "now redundant" policy. Arse. Well, I used my new Rac policy to call them out at home. And I also got battery cover, so they can go and get a new battery and fit if mine packs up. Now that he does fuck all for me.

What a bloody liberty they have. They piss off, then complain when we acknowledge the fact by trying to take over. I'm thinking of the reaction when I removed him from the council tax/voters roll. He then did nothing about my requests to write to council saying about swapping the credit balance to the new account. Then when I told him I had to do such and such because of his non cooperation, I get told not to tell any third parties that he is being uncooperative. Fucking classic.

Fuckwit fact

Izzie just reading your post I'm sorry that you feel that way
I remember when fuck head was doing all his psychological training ( yep I know stop laughing ) for his ' special job' and believe me he trained well, that line is one of the phrases you are supposed to use instead of arguing etc.... Mine obviously moved on to psychological abuse but chose to actually use it against me rather than help others.... Anyways, all I wanted to say is that they all spew the same shit instead of saying what's actually in their head... Wouldn't do to tell the truth now would it !!!

ali friend of mine in EA rel with PO. He used to show off his techniques getting her to be the victim. What sad fuckers police seem to be. What other occupations go home and role play? And yes he too now uses those things against her

Well my H is FINALLY being a bit contrite, by FB mail and on Skype.

I think it was the fact DD told him about her newly decorated Frozen room and the fact we have our own house. Not sure if he thought I'd come crawling back or something

He had devalued me so much that I myself wondered whether I would ever be able to live alone, because I felt I was so incompetent at life.

My brother was supposed to help me with the children until the aupair comes in mid July but I felt he wouldn't be able to do it so now I have to hire another nanny for the window between starting work and when she comes. Just another massive faff and stress. And expense, of course.

I have no idea how it works with regard to benefits and working but I've got a sneaking suspicion I'll be only about £100 better off working full time as compared to not working at all. I would rather not work, but I've got this job now so might as well give it a try. I think us single mothers get working tax credits or something, idk. I will lose housing benefit if I work

I've manged to buy a fridge on Amazon this week. I've been putting milk, butter and juice in a cold water plastic box in a shaded place! Got a nice stylish red fridge tho. Oh and a landline phone. Internet connection will be up and running on Tuesday. Now I just need: curtains, carpets, furniture, washing machine, car...

oh and I need an oven. I'm cooking on a two ring electric hob I bought for £14 (Amazon)

sakura I find working means I get some quality "speaking to adults" time for me, I really like working and love my job mostly

With regards to furnishings, we are going for the totally mismatched retro look; ie: things from charity shops that do not match in any way shape or form. We have been 100% successful in this endeavour so far

Sakura If you're on Facebook there will be a selling page for your area, probably more than one around you, it's amazing what people sell and for very little, worth checking. Washing machines are on my local one all the time. Might not be quite what you want to might be a useful temporary stop gap.

Have dont the email, I was polite and pleasant. Did NOT mention anything about AA subscription, he knows I now know what he has done. No point mentioning it or giving it any validity now.

Fuckwit!

*done, not dont

Thanks. Yes I'll check out the FB page.
Is eating nettle soup a sign of real poverty? After the children went to bed I found myself eyeing up the nettles in the garden as they looked delicious. I made some soup with them and some chicken broth. It was just as delicious as it looked. Nettles must have iron in them, judging by the green color. It tasted very satisfying. Anyway, I ate all kinds of weird crap in Japan. They make entire meals out of nothing there.

Yep, Retro look it is, AccordingtoMe :)

According I just read the third post of yours in your thread. Came off it then. That was me.

For anyone who missed her link, here it is:

AccordingtoMe's thread:

Dear DH

izzie thanks, I did link to it earlier as I saw what you posted on page one and forgot to do it when I saw it. Then did. Now we have two oh well.. might be time for some more Abba LOL

According Thanks for reminding me about breakdown cover, we have joint cover at the moment, I had thought the other day that I'll need my own cover when it expires in the summer, but it wasn't on my spreadsheet.

No worries and your are welcome braving one persons rain cloud is anothers rainbow