HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on ...part 7

[Izzie595]

Nobody understands the fully devastating impact of the ending of a marriage unless and until they experience it themselves.

Welcome to Hobbit's Bar. Thread number 7.

This is the place where we meet to let it all out, to share experiences, to get support, and maybe give support if and when we feel able. And also to sometimes have a good laugh about things, because Hell, we've earned the right to laugh!

The bar is owned by Hobbit. She is adorable, kind, and bonkers. And lazy. So we take turns in running the bar for her ladyship.

I'm the latest proprietor of the bar. Izzie Age 54. Married 30 years. Two young adult sons living with me. Husband left to live with OW on Halloween last year. Very appropriate! No moves towards divorce or financial settlement at present. I started posting my own stuff on MN at the start of the year. Best thing I ever did. Well, I've had better successes in life, but you get my point, yes? I've been through the whole range of emotions, backwards, forwards, round and round: it's not a linear process by any means. And it does seem common to have a huge crash at 4 to 6 months on. Today I'm meh. Mostly.

There are a range of experiences in the Bar, generally at any one time. Examples: the early stages of separation; negotiating; legal matters; abuse in all forms; feeling stronger; having a major crash again; dealing with fuckwittery from the exes; financial worries; issues involving both young and adult children; moving towards the Mecca that is "meh". Basically, the whole works. Believe me, whatever you are currently experiencing, you are not alone.

My advice to any newbies: just jump in, but if you have the time and inclination, try reading all of the threads. You will see real women experiencing their bleakest moments, their progress, their dips, their innermost thoughts.

Rules of The Bar

1. Don't ask to join just come in.
2. The phrase Party Pooper is banned. We may be having a good old giggle sometimes but someone in need must interrupt whatever is going on. We can't all be in sync, but someone in need ALWAYS takes priority.
3. You are not obliged to give advice, reply to any posts, there are no expectations of you. Take what you want from the thread.

And just to ease you in, here are a few things you may wish to know:

1. An Izzietini is the bar drink.
2. A number 6 refers to rule number 6 in Hobbit's Twunts list. Reasons why they do things. Because they are....... erm, no, the answer is not "misguided".
3. Mother, WellWhoKnew or WWK. Recently divorced, previous proprietor of the Bar and a legend of MN to those who followed her own threads. Also a legend on here for her straightforward advice. And keeps us in order.
4. Some of the posters also have their own threads. I hope they will do a link for you.
5. There's a bad case of exclamationitis on here. Occurs when trying to put in a comma on ipad, but it auto corrects to an exclamation mark. So if you post and get a dodgy comment back, eg "Have you thought about counselling! sounds like you need help!".....please believe us that we are not sarky cows. Because the rule of exclamationitis is that we only spot it after we have posted!
6. Our sayings are Shit, this is hard and KOKO, keep on keeping on.
7. Our theme tune to keep us going, is below.
8. Jess is our sausage snuffling mascot. Owned by Hobbit, she pops up every now and again to entertain us and to dispense her own brand of advice. She says it as it is. She is currently busy knitting herself some new hats.

At the start of the year Fontella posted this on the first thread:

"Can I just say as more of a reader rather than a participant on this thread (I got shot of my lying, conniving, controlling ex 10 years ago) that this is fast turning into my favourite thread. Lots of powerful, courageous and funny (in a good way) women all coming together and supporting each other through an incredibly painful time. You are all fabulous!"

I couldn't have put it better myself.

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

You need a mahoooooosive hot tub Drifted for all your friends on here Enjoy your walk - it's nice and sunny out!

WTF is that black stuff on your plate? Has Izzie been giving you cooking lessons? Or is is just something you've cremated

you really don’t want an Izzitini – they’re vile!!!

Excuse me, I am HERE!!!!!!!

I did a stupid thing. Someone told me yesterday that exes new girlfriend is the spitting image of me - so much do people thought it was me. He chatted her up a few weeks ago as she served him in a shop
...
So a glass of wine and I sent a text telling him that I knew and asking why he had fine for another version of me.
Why did I do that? Why does it hurt that she is my mirror image?

Would also just like to add... That sometimes taxi drivers can be an incredible font of financial and divorce knowledge ... So much so that I actually wish I could remember what he said
Although I do distinctly remember him telling me 1. Husband was a twunt lol and 2. Do not leave the house lol lol ... I'll bet they hear some drunken stories !

Whoops sorry Izzie (wrist slap for me and Hobbit). Should have said it's vile you everyone but you

Ali you have completely put me off going for that girlie works night out I have been invited to "as you never know" jeez, I work in this town centre, I sometimes walk through it at lunchtime..what is on offer here? where is that nunnery!

Bet taxi driver has heard everything, I actually think that sounds like a funny old job to do if you can get over the aggro dickhead drunks which i am sure are many

drifted I am getting you with the turmoil, it hurts like hell doesn't it. The thing H wrote on the card when he sent me flowers this week, it sent me to the ladies for a "moment" I love that song so much and don't think I can ever listen to it again now have already deleted it from most of my playlists.

bobs I am smack bang into my mid forties, a mere spring chicken I hear you say? well, I went on a little look around earlier (fairy inspired me! as I wanted to see what was out there, just in case) and ewwww, my age range was 44- 54 some guys really let themselves go don't they!

drifted I know we haven't "spoken" before, but I'd just like to add that I Stood by my Man after 2 (cringe) affairs. Totally regret it, no peace of mind for years and after my heartbreak with the first affair he did it again. I should never have put myself through that. Yes, I loved him. I also go for very long dog walks to think.

These 2 are allegedly younger then me - WTFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Are you looking on dating sites wise ? And is that the best you can find?

Adding to the conversation - definitely NOT interested. Trade one grumpy old bastard for another? No thanks.

Afternoon, a very quick scan through. ali - don't worry, I've deleted lots of texts from phone that I've sent over the last few months to HRT. Too cringeworthy to contemplate. We've all been there. Don't give it a second thought.

wise OMG there's HRT!!

Will catch up later. Sunday lunch on go.

wise J am sat in Tesco car park ( yes going in to look for sad badtards with pot noodles lol ) and anyway I think I could be locked up for the laughing and tears rolling down my face at your 'future hubs' ! I actually went onto a dating site under an alias to see if h was there and I totally agree ... There are some complete bog rats out there and some complete weirdos
according GO on the night out... In the sober light of day, I had a fab night with friends, just not into the noisy bar scene with kids half my age.... But maybe if you're very lucky you could bump into wise's new man lol xx
Cringeworthy text from h saying he was sorry I had a shit night !! Wtf like he cares, rubbing stupid drunk texts in my face..... Twat !!

What is a badtard I wonder ?! Hmmm stupid phone ... You know really it was sad bastards !

Eww.. no thanks Ali although I am sure he is a lovely man and just right for someone, somewhere. Not me though.

wise there is something a bit Victor Meldrew about him. Poor bloke.

Fucking hell, it would be like snogging yer grandad. Pass the bucket!

I am shaking, my h has just texted me to tell me ( in the middle of Tesco ) that he is taking my daughter from tomorrow night for a week, without even discussing it with me first. I am numb and there is not a thing I can do about it... Help

Ali why is the first question that jumps to me?

I mean, why is he taking her? and what for?

Ali hope you are ok..

right now I want to scream - the kids have just returned from a weekend with the X and my DD has screamed at me because I havent got some shopping she asked me to get this morning via email that I didnt get til lunchtime and that she needs for tomorrow. IT IS ALL ME - not the X or her.
She has gone out with the dog. I have emailed the X - I am fuming that this happens everytime they spend time with him. I have asked DS if X talked to them this weekend - he has told them hopefully I will be paying school fees out of my insurance claim as the premiums were paid from joint money - he just doesn't get it - for Fucks sake - i have had cancer - hopefully it will not return but there is no guarantee and my brother had secondary cancer after having testicular cancer. When will this manipulation stop - i can see both my kids are going to end up having counselling at this rate. How do you get a fucking c88t to see sense - no doubt this is birthday related too!

green firstly I hope you told her off for screaming at you for unacceptable behaviour. hopefully she will have calmed down after going out with the dog. Is what she needs stuff for Food Tech by any chance? I had this problem a lot with my DDs and ended up going to the supermarket on the way to school which sorted it.

Don't know about insurance pay-outs but someone suggested a trust or something? I'm sure a sol can advise whether the proceeds have to be added to the pot. Re school fees - well that's something that will be sorted along with the rest of the finance stuff and he should not be discussing this with them.

However, unfortunately you can't stop him talking about this and all the other manipulative shit he can think of because he's a twat! And yes it is probably revenge for the birthday stuff. All you can do is KOKO, be there for them, be consistent and maint any set boundaries and your DC will see the light eventually

Maint = maintain

ali I guess if your DD wants to go you can't do much about it Is it because "he wants to spend time with her as he is going to Canada soon" or does he just want to mess with her head?

Realistically, she has school and will he do the parent stuff - ie get her to school and back, make sure she is fed, sort the horse, have everything for school, ensure she gets enough sleep etc? Kids like boundaries even though they are always pushing them and if there none she actually might feel a little lost. Just saying, as you might find that having tried it she realises she is better with you.

Oh my fucking God wise my darling, those pics had me howling with laughter, look at his little dickie bow!

Gawd, I'm a cow ain't i? Think I'll stay on me tod,

Wot you saying izzie my love? That you ain't culinary challenged?
You'd burn salad! Tee HEE

Thanks bobs - no its not food tech - "personal" stuff - she was in shops herself so could have got but forgot!

he only discusses stuff with them when there's a chance to slate me same with his solicitor - tells her half the story too.

I would be far better off without him having anything to do with them I am continually having to deal with the fallout with one or other of them. I have just told DD that when I felt emotional like she does after having interaction with X I had noone to blame and turned it on myself and would then see GP for more ADs before I realised it was him doing this to me. i think she has gone away to think about this. Its one bloody step forward and two back!