HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on ...part 7

[Izzie595]

Nobody understands the fully devastating impact of the ending of a marriage unless and until they experience it themselves.

Welcome to Hobbit's Bar. Thread number 7.

This is the place where we meet to let it all out, to share experiences, to get support, and maybe give support if and when we feel able. And also to sometimes have a good laugh about things, because Hell, we've earned the right to laugh!

The bar is owned by Hobbit. She is adorable, kind, and bonkers. And lazy. So we take turns in running the bar for her ladyship.

I'm the latest proprietor of the bar. Izzie Age 54. Married 30 years. Two young adult sons living with me. Husband left to live with OW on Halloween last year. Very appropriate! No moves towards divorce or financial settlement at present. I started posting my own stuff on MN at the start of the year. Best thing I ever did. Well, I've had better successes in life, but you get my point, yes? I've been through the whole range of emotions, backwards, forwards, round and round: it's not a linear process by any means. And it does seem common to have a huge crash at 4 to 6 months on. Today I'm meh. Mostly.

There are a range of experiences in the Bar, generally at any one time. Examples: the early stages of separation; negotiating; legal matters; abuse in all forms; feeling stronger; having a major crash again; dealing with fuckwittery from the exes; financial worries; issues involving both young and adult children; moving towards the Mecca that is "meh". Basically, the whole works. Believe me, whatever you are currently experiencing, you are not alone.

My advice to any newbies: just jump in, but if you have the time and inclination, try reading all of the threads. You will see real women experiencing their bleakest moments, their progress, their dips, their innermost thoughts.

Rules of The Bar

1. Don't ask to join just come in.
2. The phrase Party Pooper is banned. We may be having a good old giggle sometimes but someone in need must interrupt whatever is going on. We can't all be in sync, but someone in need ALWAYS takes priority.
3. You are not obliged to give advice, reply to any posts, there are no expectations of you. Take what you want from the thread.

And just to ease you in, here are a few things you may wish to know:

1. An Izzietini is the bar drink.
2. A number 6 refers to rule number 6 in Hobbit's Twunts list. Reasons why they do things. Because they are....... erm, no, the answer is not "misguided".
3. Mother, WellWhoKnew or WWK. Recently divorced, previous proprietor of the Bar and a legend of MN to those who followed her own threads. Also a legend on here for her straightforward advice. And keeps us in order.
4. Some of the posters also have their own threads. I hope they will do a link for you.
5. There's a bad case of exclamationitis on here. Occurs when trying to put in a comma on ipad, but it auto corrects to an exclamation mark. So if you post and get a dodgy comment back, eg "Have you thought about counselling! sounds like you need help!".....please believe us that we are not sarky cows. Because the rule of exclamationitis is that we only spot it after we have posted!
6. Our sayings are Shit, this is hard and KOKO, keep on keeping on.
7. Our theme tune to keep us going, is below.
8. Jess is our sausage snuffling mascot. Owned by Hobbit, she pops up every now and again to entertain us and to dispense her own brand of advice. She says it as it is. She is currently busy knitting herself some new hats.

At the start of the year Fontella posted this on the first thread:

"Can I just say as more of a reader rather than a participant on this thread (I got shot of my lying, conniving, controlling ex 10 years ago) that this is fast turning into my favourite thread. Lots of powerful, courageous and funny (in a good way) women all coming together and supporting each other through an incredibly painful time. You are all fabulous!"

I couldn't have put it better myself.

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

green that snake is the lowest form of human life, using your critical illness payout for the school fees? That money is for your pain and distress, not part of the 'pot'

You need legal advice pronto, although I'm sure there will not be a great deal of precedent for that scenario, or is that just my hope that most men wouldn't do such a callous act. Hugs, x

ali you ok honey?

Hello, I'm popping ooot in a mo but thought I'd quickly dash in and say 'hello'. I have a friend staying so can't really stop and chat.

Hello!

And what the actual fuck is that black stuff? Meat doesn't offend me in the slightest (just don't eat it - bit like I'm not gay but I'm not into guys either mentality) but my recent conversation to asexuality may wane eventually...

But right now it's I'm evangelical about singledom!

Welcome bitby to our humble pub. Your situation sounds very stressful.

Wise me thinks some men are prone to lying about their age. Huh! And it was suppose to be a woman stereotype!

Ali Crikey - where is he taking her? And why no consultation? I'm assuming he's staying in the country because he can't legally take her out of it without your permission. Something to check, I feel. If she's going out of the country, does she have medical insurance etc?

Green the courts will start to get him to become much more realistic about things. It'll clarify areas of dispute so hang on for FDA and keep a list of things you want your SHL/barrister to go through with the other side to try and get agreement on, e.g. who is paying for school fees etc. Remember just because "he says...." it just means he might be in for a bit of a shock!

Right must dash ooot. Take care all and if anyone's having a meltdown - remember that's perfectly okay to do so at any time of your choosing. This shit is hard sometimes. KOKO.

Awww Hobbit being the old gimmer that you say you are, thought he would have suited you!!!!

green hopefully she'll come round after thinking about it a bit. Sometimes they just lash out and realise later they were being unreasonable - teens do that anyway! Chin up - you'll soon find it's 2 steps forward, one step back

Ha ha, bobsy my love, I DID say I liked his little dickie didn't i?
Nah, can't steal wise's thunder can I

She'd never forgive me for taking that prize away from her, maybe we'll wrestle for him in the hot tub! Now, there's an image I need to block out with some brain bleach.

ali and green sorry but I don't have any experience of having a teen daughter ( but think I was a horror of one myself!) - maybe you have to just let it go with the flow Ali ? let your daughter go for the week ? Painful as it will be....what do you think? Let him show his true colours and also how much fun solo parenting is? green I think someone else has said you can just be upfront and straight with kids - say "look this is difficult for all of us and I am trying my best but it doesn't help when you..blah, blah...neither of you deserve this but we all know that the nearest and dearest are often used as the kicking dogs - very unfair and very hard to bear too..... sorry that I can't be more of a help.

on the dumb side - what is HRT? ( not as in hormones) - must have missed that one...

on the sschtoopid side - the photos are actually of 2 different men- well they have different names or do you think it is the same guy? Shows how much I know! I did hope that they would give someone a laugh....

on the "getting out" front I have been at 2 Meet Ups this weekend and both have been OK - one better than the other - one at a pub last night with nearly 30 people. There are many people who are on their own in various stages/ages in their life and marriage who are fed up sitting home. They are not necessarily easy things to go to - there were many first timers there last night - but there is the chance of meeting some ladies which for me is the important thing being new in this area. There are quite a few walking ones as well which are less stressy than turning up in a pub or restaurant. People pick and choose which ones to go to and you sometimes see the same faces and other ones at other times. Just going on a bit about these as maybe they are something ( if in your area) as a prelude or substitute for anything else which I think most of us do not really have the heart ....sometimes it feels OK to go out and other times it's the last thing you want to do - just go with the flow!

I've just survived a visit to my elderly Aunty, I've been dreading it as she's the Queen of asking 1000 questions an hour and always asking the exact question you don't want to answer.

My mother went with us and had briefed her in advance, that I didn't want to talk about it, and thankfully for once she followed orders.

I have a solicitors appointment on Tuesday and feel I need to tell H that I'm going and that he'll be getting a divorce petition, no idea why I'm concerned about his feelings, particularly as he's been so unpleasant the last few days but it's a hard habit to break.

I haven't got an address for him so it'll have to come here and I really don't want him opening it in front of me, hopefully he'll see it's from my solicitor and just take it with him. I'm going to email him on the morning of the appointment just to say I'm going and I'm starting proceedings and that I think it's for the best to get things sorted financially as soon as possible. I know it's not going to be pleasant so the sooner it's done the better, after the row on Friday I'm managed his expectations down hopefully so when I make a reasonable offer (although it won't be what he wants) he might go for it without too much nastiness. I'm also going to confirm again that I'm expecting him to pay half the legal costs, including taking him off the deeds and any fee for paying the mortgage early when I re-mortgage. My solicitor said I can put that in the court papers that I want him to pay costs, but hopefully he'll stick to what he's agreed.

I'm also going to ask him in the email when he's coming to collect his things, and if I can have his key and alarm fob, I know he doesn't have to give them to me but I'm going to ask, now he's started knocking and waiting to be let in he doesn't really need them, he came over while we were out yesterday to collect his car and didn't come into the house for his post or the spare key, so he might hand them over. I don't want him collecting his things while we're out, especially now he's had another rant about household stuff, I don't want to come home to find he's taken the TV. DD would be very upset so I don't think he will, be he might in a moment of bitter rage. You'd think he was the injured party.

He's been emailing DD this weekend which I'm pleased about, I think once the finances are sorted we can probably find a way of keeping things reasonably "friendly" at least at a surface level, as long as he is OK with dd.

Sorry, this is really long, but I was thinking of taking a list to the solicitors of the things I think he should take and the things I should be keeping, for example he will take his second car, his expensive hobby equipment and his expensive watch, but I'll be keeping the household furniture, furnishings and appliances. From the shed, he can take his hobby stuff, and power tools but I expect him to leave the gardening equipment, he owes me money for buying me out of the caravan now he's traded it in rather than sold it, that kind of thing, I'm still hoping we can sort things out at that level rather than having to get individual things valued. Is that a good idea or won't we get onto finances and property at this meeting? I've only seen him for an initial meeting so far, not a free one because I wanted to talk specifics, but this will be the first one where we'll start the legal divorce process.

Fairy So the OW also had friends of similar moral fibre, some women don't deserve to walk among decent folk.

fairy that's horrible, so sorry hope to see you on the other side x

Hi, feeling very sick ... Decided that I had to 'let her go' and she is going to where he is staying tomorrow night. His friend will be away for the week. Horse has gone out to graze so he's fucking getting it easy. But I'm trying to remain calm outwardly about her going despite falling apart inside. Also I'm really sorry to bring pensions up again but h actually told me that although his pension will pay him out at 49, after 30 years service, that I won't get it until I'm 60 ! I literally know nothing and am worried sick now that not only is he planning on taking dd, getting me out of house ( because I can't take on the debt and negative equity/mortgage ) but maintenance is only payable for 5 years here. Because of my brain tumour I was medically retired and can't work. Yes I get certain government benefits but not enough to survive on until I'm 60 ! I have been with this man 23 years, looked after kids and supported him through 2 degrees to enable him to climb the ladder in work and am practically being thrown away ... So so worried that I'm being physically sick. So sorry to be a downer but no one to turn to, again on a Sunday night, and wedding anniversary tomorrow. I'm going out of my head and yet trying to keep it together and act calm about dd also going tomorrow

fairy I'm in agreement with Braving, as I'm sure we all are. What sort of slag gets off on witnessing the destruction of a young family and the devastation of a young mother because her friend has the morals of an alleycat. Your friend has done enough damage, why don't you just fuck off and give her some privacy, you sad bitch

fairy mines been a total and utter heartless wanker today, been in bits again just as I was feeling stronger, he's so self absorbed I barely recognise him, " I know it was my choice but I'm feeling it really hard to cope too, you have everyone and I have no one" Well Wankchops that's what fucking happens when you make said choice, he took kids out today, spent £100 ( I know oldest DS told me ) yet he questioned me 2 days ago about where the family allowance had gone, totally redecorated the bathroom with it ( or my sister did ) and I thought FUCK YOU, he looks like utter shit, he's a good looking man but had aged dramatically since " his decision" so fucked off tonight all I can think is GOOD, hope you suffer, every second of every day of your pathetic shitty life, and you look at me one day, and think to yourself what an absolute dickhead, started putting makeup on the last few days makes me brave God I hate him tonight,

Ali pensions are complicated. There are different ways to deal with pensions on divorce. First, you can allocate a certain amount of the payment to you, so that when he draws it, the percentage agreed will come direct to you. Second, you can decide to split the pension pot now and set it up in your own name with the company he works for. Try this link for starters
Pensions Advisory Service. I would suggest also doing some searches online to see if there is anything specific about police pensions. I would also suggest going to Citizens Advice Bureau.

Your daughter, staying with him for a week, as others have said, may be a dose of reality for her, when he has to get involved in school, homework etc.

I'm so sorry for all of this stuff happening all at once, especially bearing in mind the timing.

fairy please keep in touch with us by PM, so that we can still give you them support you deserve. Perhaps if you come up with a list of who you want PMs to be sent to, we can work out some sort of chain. Give the list of names off thread, send it to me if you want and I will get something sorted

Ali Are you getting some legal advice?

If your share of his pension pot is being transferred into a private pension for you, the rules may be different in terms of when you can take it, as opposed to his pension scheme which will be linked to his employment.

There's so much happening for you all at once here, you need some good advice and support, second hand information from him is no good.

Ali you really must stop listening to and believing that what he says is true. I know it's difficult, but take it all with a massive pinch of salt and when he comes up with this stuff, just say "really, I'll have to check that out" He's just trying to scare you - you mustn't let it!

Done a quick google - divorce, pension splitting police and this came upwww.thefamilylawco.co.uk/divorce-separation/police-divorce/
Look at no 3 Pension attachment order where it says that once the pension is in payment the spouse receives an income or lump sum too.

Of course I know next to nothing about pensions, but I do know there are choices which some advice from a sol or IFA could help you with.

"Maintenance is only payable for 5 years" Is that spousal and who said that? If I were you I would also be going for more than that due to your "disability"

I know it all sounds crap atm - I remember when I started I hadn't a clue and was trying to find out info right, left and centre. Just remember, he has a good job and a good pension. You will have a claim on both. The chances are you will have to move (sorry to be blunt but I'm being realistic) but you won't starve

link fail
www.thefamilylawco.co.uk/divorce-separation/police-divorce/

Thank you for advice, I just know so little and my sol is working on getting me physically and mentally prepared and was going at a slower pace to keep me in the house. He just seems to be away ahead of me and apparently could have already changed his work dependency form to leave pension to kids should he die suddenly ! Izzie I don't mean to sound dumb .. I'm not. Just about pensions. But is what you're saying mean that if he draws his pension at 49 he can possibly be made to pay me my share then ? Dear Hod why does he put this pressure on me.. Is it not enough that he's taking my daughter on our anniversary
The only thing I got out of all this shit is that he can't afford to rent somewhere, so short term he's screwed if I stay put but long term I'm screwed ... Dd has not even packed her stuff yet so I hope he knows what he's in for... I think she'll see it as a holiday as other guys house is way bigger and nicer than ours ... Nice timing from him isn't it ?
fairy please pm us as we are on your side and you need help ... Jeez I'm really hogging the bar tonight

For a special friend with an apparently huge arse. I'm just repeating.....

And here's another link saying the same www.curtisbanks.co.uk/assets/downloads/pdfs/PensionsDivorce.pdf looks like you want an attachment order as opposed to a pension sharing order. This way you get 'your pension" the same time as he gets his

ali yes the first option I mentioned means that you take a share of the monthly pension at the same time as he draws it. I don't know how drawing any lump sums are dealt with. And no I don't think you're stupid at all, you've hardly had time to draw breath, let alone look into financial matters. But as bobs says! there is a wealth of info on the internet about most things! including pensions. And yes, don't believe what he says, he's proved he can't be trusted.

This one?

ali oops exclamationitis in that last post to you...