HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on ...part 7

[Izzie595]

Nobody understands the fully devastating impact of the ending of a marriage unless and until they experience it themselves.

Welcome to Hobbit's Bar. Thread number 7.

This is the place where we meet to let it all out, to share experiences, to get support, and maybe give support if and when we feel able. And also to sometimes have a good laugh about things, because Hell, we've earned the right to laugh!

The bar is owned by Hobbit. She is adorable, kind, and bonkers. And lazy. So we take turns in running the bar for her ladyship.

I'm the latest proprietor of the bar. Izzie Age 54. Married 30 years. Two young adult sons living with me. Husband left to live with OW on Halloween last year. Very appropriate! No moves towards divorce or financial settlement at present. I started posting my own stuff on MN at the start of the year. Best thing I ever did. Well, I've had better successes in life, but you get my point, yes? I've been through the whole range of emotions, backwards, forwards, round and round: it's not a linear process by any means. And it does seem common to have a huge crash at 4 to 6 months on. Today I'm meh. Mostly.

There are a range of experiences in the Bar, generally at any one time. Examples: the early stages of separation; negotiating; legal matters; abuse in all forms; feeling stronger; having a major crash again; dealing with fuckwittery from the exes; financial worries; issues involving both young and adult children; moving towards the Mecca that is "meh". Basically, the whole works. Believe me, whatever you are currently experiencing, you are not alone.

My advice to any newbies: just jump in, but if you have the time and inclination, try reading all of the threads. You will see real women experiencing their bleakest moments, their progress, their dips, their innermost thoughts.

Rules of The Bar

1. Don't ask to join just come in.
2. The phrase Party Pooper is banned. We may be having a good old giggle sometimes but someone in need must interrupt whatever is going on. We can't all be in sync, but someone in need ALWAYS takes priority.
3. You are not obliged to give advice, reply to any posts, there are no expectations of you. Take what you want from the thread.

And just to ease you in, here are a few things you may wish to know:

1. An Izzietini is the bar drink.
2. A number 6 refers to rule number 6 in Hobbit's Twunts list. Reasons why they do things. Because they are....... erm, no, the answer is not "misguided".
3. Mother, WellWhoKnew or WWK. Recently divorced, previous proprietor of the Bar and a legend of MN to those who followed her own threads. Also a legend on here for her straightforward advice. And keeps us in order.
4. Some of the posters also have their own threads. I hope they will do a link for you.
5. There's a bad case of exclamationitis on here. Occurs when trying to put in a comma on ipad, but it auto corrects to an exclamation mark. So if you post and get a dodgy comment back, eg "Have you thought about counselling! sounds like you need help!".....please believe us that we are not sarky cows. Because the rule of exclamationitis is that we only spot it after we have posted!
6. Our sayings are Shit, this is hard and KOKO, keep on keeping on.
7. Our theme tune to keep us going, is below.
8. Jess is our sausage snuffling mascot. Owned by Hobbit, she pops up every now and again to entertain us and to dispense her own brand of advice. She says it as it is. She is currently busy knitting herself some new hats.

At the start of the year Fontella posted this on the first thread:

"Can I just say as more of a reader rather than a participant on this thread (I got shot of my lying, conniving, controlling ex 10 years ago) that this is fast turning into my favourite thread. Lots of powerful, courageous and funny (in a good way) women all coming together and supporting each other through an incredibly painful time. You are all fabulous!"

I couldn't have put it better myself.

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

Morning all.

braving I went to one of those types of bars when a friend of mine had her hen night. I'm with you there. It was like a cattle market. I wasn't even on the market, as it were, because I was still married at the time. I suppose there must have been some decent men there feeling just as awkward as I felt, but......

Ali don't beat yourself up about the text, it's really nothing in the grand scheme of things. We've all done it.

bitby take whatever support we can give you. Sorry you're in such an awful situation when pregnant.

sakura your views about not dating. Yes I can relate to those. I certainly think the first step is to establish a social life where one is not reliant on a man to do so. What may or may not happen after that, well it's far too early for me, I think.

wise that info you have about what he said, yes a little evil laugh from me thinking about what you could do with that. And I know what you mean about "new supporters", those who have absolutely no idea of the truth of the matter. But yes, what do they know? Otherwise they wouldn't be supporters, would they?

Hobbit good to see you on thread, my love. Thinking of you as always.

everyone else KOKO xx

Hobbit join the club

I think this sums it up

I'm "only" 42, but I felt very old last night.

Definitely not going to think about dating, I'm going to focus on getting divorced, getting the house straight, getting back on my diet and getting fitter.

13 weeks to my holiday, plenty of time to feel better in my swimwear by then :)

So the wrong time for this braving - please note it is on a little plate

Morning everyone and welcome bitby. Well done for recognising his abusiveness. Great support and knowledge on this thread.

Yesterday I had half a days work doing more stuff that booted me right out of my comfort zone. I did fine, it's just felt uncomfortable. I'm sure that eventually these particular things will be normal too. I seem to be good at covering up my discomfort and coming over as quietly confident. Well that's what I'm aiming for.

H came round yesterday to pick up some things. It was horrible, his eyes kept filling with tears and he's obviously suffering emotionally. No urge to have him back, the further away I travel the more clearly I see the dysfunction of him in my Rear View Mirror (great song). It's just not pleasant seeing someone's pain.

However, I think he thought I'd be the one crying and regretful, yet he ploughed on with destroying what relationship we had left. One of his counsellors asked him how long he thought it would take me to get over him leaving and apparently he answered "She'll never get over it".

This must all be something of a surprise to him, then.

WiseOne, yuk! Coffee, MN and then porridge. Which I'm still having for breakfast and actually bought another box of oats this week. For years and years I made it for H but never ate any as it gave me indigestion. Curiously I never get indigestion now. Also my arthritis flare ups have stopped since H first left. I wonder why? .

I simply cannot keep up with the conversation. Such a shame. I would so like to get to know you all better. There is so much to admire.

Still waiting for husbands baby to arrive, will be glad when that is done. Does that make me a step mother, we are still married, that is almost funny?

Have an observation as part of checking my competence tomorrow morning so feel a bit sick about that. But have contacted a charity that exists purely to enable disabled people to keep their jobs/find new ones. Their 'front of house telephone answerer' was absolutely lovely. She is convinced that work are breaking the law all over the place but says we will think about that after the observation.

Right. Want to stay on the bed with my dog (his heart is packing up fast now ). Might allow myself another cup of tea but then must get on. House a state and prep to do. Sons one and two here, it was son three's turn to be out at a party all night! Last hurrah before exams start Tuesday. Will text him shortly just to check he is still breathing.

I need to get up, dd needs collecting from MILs and I need to get stuff done, we're having lunch with PIL so at least I don't have to cook a proper meal today.

Fuckit Sorry about your dog, they're such a comfort.

I can't keep up with the conversation either Fuckit. Hard enough to keep up with ordinary life. So sorry to hear about your dog, mine is my companion too.

Braving I need to get so much Stuff Done, I probably should get off MN.

Morning wise WTF is that black stuff on your plate? Has Izzie been giving you cooking lessons? Or is is just something you've cremated!

Ha ha, just what braving needs I'm sure,

Morning Hobbitwife, I think it's Black Pudding on WiseOne's plate. Why? Why would she do that to us?

Looks like black pudding to me hobbit that plate is missing fried eggs, tomatoes, mushrooms and a fried slice, I'm hungry now

Arrgggg.... Black pudding.... Spawn of the devil!!!!!
Exclamations in full effect!!!!!!

WWK don't look, my love, don't want you suffering from PTSD after seeing Wise's brekkie,

It IS black pudding and the best in the world - M and S! That's all that was left in the fridge so not bacon buttie so all protein and no carb ( except the black pudding) How can you NOT like it? Spicy, spicy, lovely ....

Ali hope you’re feeling better this morning. I know atm it’s tough to hear from someone else that H says your marriage is over when you are still coming to terms with the fact. I had to lol a bit when you wrote “Go and have your twatty poker night and hope you're all very fecking happy you miserable middle aged selfish, arrogant, sad bastards !!!!!” well he IS miserable, selfish, arrogant and sad isn’t he?

Hi bit and welcome. So sorry for your situation. Water torturer…really? You sound well rid and hope you have RL support. As family said, you think you can’t do without them but sometimes it is easier that way. Quite a few posters have discovered this ( Izzie 1 ). Btw you really don’t want an Izzitini – they’re vile!!!

Braving well done for getting out there

Roz KOKO you’re doing briliiantly and the perfect advert for karma

Wise yuk – bacon’s good but black pudding? Just you then!

Fuckit Hope tomorrow goes well for you. It’s good that you have your sons for support.

Ahhhh.... I can see this being the start of 'black pudding gate'

It's one of those love it or hate it foods isn't it? I can't get my head around wanting to eat it personally, I'm not veggie< like WWK > but am not that keen on meat, and offal is a big no-no for me.

How are you Wise my love? I know you weren't feeling great the other day, shit this divorce malarkey ain't it? Xx

Hobbit old gimmer? Oh lord, what does that make me, iwas and Wise Not ready for my walking frame yet even if you are!!!!!!!!

Perhaps we should start a new thread called:

Where to find love/shag buddy in your 50s...or
Silver vixens rocking it....or
I'm ancient.....someone find me a man!

I was looking at free online courses last night for something to do while all this shit is going on. Does anyone have any experience of these? Seems to be vision2learn and the OU so far.

Bobsy I'm only a year younger than you, so I'm hardly a teenager
Yep, I'm up for that thread, help the aged find a soulmate, should be a winner!

I did online dating for a month. It was ok, but I lost interest fairly quickly. I'd say it's worth a dabble if you don't take it seriously. I did meet someone though.

I'm mid-40s BTW.

All saying good morning from bed . Hope everyone is OK - as much as we can be OK . Do we have another friend on board ? I will catch up with thread and post more later tonight . Got to walk the dog & the sun is shining so that is what we must do .

Bumped into a friend in local last night - hubby had an affair three years ago & she stood by him . When we talk about it - she is angry . Trust is gone.

In fact anger is an understatement. She has stood by him & I think she regrets it.

Despite that I am on the fence still , but I am afraid of falling off the fence on the wrong side & I don't know which side is the wrong side if you know what I mean everyone ?

I will think about my shit situation whilst walking for hours with my dog.

But as I will always remind everyone.

The problem is her. So I need to recognise not one moment of this situation is my fault. Blame is not a word to use. Today . But if she opened her mouth & spoke to me instead of her legs to someone else I wouldn't be thinking like this.

BUT then again I wouldn't have met my friends on MN .

Wouldn't swap my MN friends for her . If we ever reconcile ( you see my turmoil ) , I will always keep you wonderful ladies in my heart .

Think I might have to order a bigger hot tub ?

KOKO XXXX .

Turmoil . Next song on radio . Shania Twain . Still the one.

Listen to the words & that is why I just don't know what to do .

It is a situation I never asked for & never ever thought would happen , but it is so fucking hard to know what to do because I love her.

She fucks off & I sit here in turmoil . Tough times . But we will get there everyone.

So whoever joins us & reads this , whoever you are , wherever you are, you are not alone.

Dog is watching me . Time for walkies.

KOKO .

Good morning all ... Just checking in to say, yes I'm hungover and No I'm not getting up until either my head stops pounding or I need to vomit !!
Black Pudding ! Seriously, that pic should have come with a warning . Ulster fry is what you need and no beans in that, another strange breakfast idea.
Yes I can confirm that Sat night bars are definitely not for me.... Bloody cattle market, and they're all under 25 and look like my children. I told Mr taxi driver ( my life story lol ) that quite frankly, I'd rather be doing my shopping in Tesco than go there again and you'd be more likely to find a man in there, should you be looking for one. You find them either in the aisle were Pot Noodles are or at the 'meal for 1' section. Saw one there the other day who was a slightly larger version of h ( which is why I noticed him ) in his fancy pin striped suit, sticking 5 pot noodles in his basket.... The look of disgust on my face lol, I even wanted to tap him in the shoulder and ask if he was another wanker who thought the grass was greener .... Then realised I might get ejected from Tesco for that ! Moral of the story ... Haven't a fecking clue where you'd find a new man IF you wanted one but it's certainly not in a bar.
Also had the most surreal dream about waking up to find my h back in bed beside me and thinking is this real and poking him to be sure, it was real so overjoyed, the woke up and of course had a look and nope, he wasn't there. How can it be that even after what he has done I still love him so much ( yet despise him ) and appear to be coping less and less and even want him back WTF is that all about ? Is it the anniversary or am I really the fuckwit ?
Anyhoo, writing this is making me feel queasy and think my best bet would be another hours kip. Dd going out with h later and I think I'll remain out of sight in case he thinks I'm going to jump him lol
And could someone please shoot those effing birds chirping outside my bedroom window