HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on ...part 7

[Izzie595]

Nobody understands the fully devastating impact of the ending of a marriage unless and until they experience it themselves.

Welcome to Hobbit's Bar. Thread number 7.

This is the place where we meet to let it all out, to share experiences, to get support, and maybe give support if and when we feel able. And also to sometimes have a good laugh about things, because Hell, we've earned the right to laugh!

The bar is owned by Hobbit. She is adorable, kind, and bonkers. And lazy. So we take turns in running the bar for her ladyship.

I'm the latest proprietor of the bar. Izzie Age 54. Married 30 years. Two young adult sons living with me. Husband left to live with OW on Halloween last year. Very appropriate! No moves towards divorce or financial settlement at present. I started posting my own stuff on MN at the start of the year. Best thing I ever did. Well, I've had better successes in life, but you get my point, yes? I've been through the whole range of emotions, backwards, forwards, round and round: it's not a linear process by any means. And it does seem common to have a huge crash at 4 to 6 months on. Today I'm meh. Mostly.

There are a range of experiences in the Bar, generally at any one time. Examples: the early stages of separation; negotiating; legal matters; abuse in all forms; feeling stronger; having a major crash again; dealing with fuckwittery from the exes; financial worries; issues involving both young and adult children; moving towards the Mecca that is "meh". Basically, the whole works. Believe me, whatever you are currently experiencing, you are not alone.

My advice to any newbies: just jump in, but if you have the time and inclination, try reading all of the threads. You will see real women experiencing their bleakest moments, their progress, their dips, their innermost thoughts.

Rules of The Bar

1. Don't ask to join just come in.
2. The phrase Party Pooper is banned. We may be having a good old giggle sometimes but someone in need must interrupt whatever is going on. We can't all be in sync, but someone in need ALWAYS takes priority.
3. You are not obliged to give advice, reply to any posts, there are no expectations of you. Take what you want from the thread.

And just to ease you in, here are a few things you may wish to know:

1. An Izzietini is the bar drink.
2. A number 6 refers to rule number 6 in Hobbit's Twunts list. Reasons why they do things. Because they are....... erm, no, the answer is not "misguided".
3. Mother, WellWhoKnew or WWK. Recently divorced, previous proprietor of the Bar and a legend of MN to those who followed her own threads. Also a legend on here for her straightforward advice. And keeps us in order.
4. Some of the posters also have their own threads. I hope they will do a link for you.
5. There's a bad case of exclamationitis on here. Occurs when trying to put in a comma on ipad, but it auto corrects to an exclamation mark. So if you post and get a dodgy comment back, eg "Have you thought about counselling! sounds like you need help!".....please believe us that we are not sarky cows. Because the rule of exclamationitis is that we only spot it after we have posted!
6. Our sayings are Shit, this is hard and KOKO, keep on keeping on.
7. Our theme tune to keep us going, is below.
8. Jess is our sausage snuffling mascot. Owned by Hobbit, she pops up every now and again to entertain us and to dispense her own brand of advice. She says it as it is. She is currently busy knitting herself some new hats.

At the start of the year Fontella posted this on the first thread:

"Can I just say as more of a reader rather than a participant on this thread (I got shot of my lying, conniving, controlling ex 10 years ago) that this is fast turning into my favourite thread. Lots of powerful, courageous and funny (in a good way) women all coming together and supporting each other through an incredibly painful time. You are all fabulous!"

I couldn't have put it better myself.

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

Thank you Green, best not ask about the other things...

Wish we had sunshine here! Enjoy your day.

Izzie yes that's a good one. I don't drive to work!

This is a happy song I like.

Ha Izzie, I'm just over an inch taller than you. < looms over Izzie>

Don't get to do that very often.

Afternoon ladies, errm we're discussing periods/ menopause lol. I had to have total hysterectomy at 32 and it's just been the last year, despite being on hrt that I get flushes, night sweats ( eughhh, maybe that's why he left ) but I'd still take it anyday rather than have 'me moons' again.
So today started with emails from ( trying out new names ) Big Piggy.
Frigging hell, now after wanting me out of house to get in, he wants an Estate Agent in for valuation ( apparently my solicitor has asked me this too, but I mustn't have been at that meeting because last one she told me to stay put and think about putting house on market in Summer, but he said it so it must be true ! ) .. Oh and would I be so good to either vacate the house to do this or not obstruct him. Phew I'm just literally shattered, there is no let up apart from when he says so. Dd not speaking to either of us yet going out with him any minute... Though apparently after he's brain washed her and brought her back then we can sit and chat with her ! Ooooh there's another just come in and a text, 2 for the price of 1. Seriously I feel like I'm going to spontaneously combust if I can't get this man out of my life. Can't even drag myself out of bed, just want to lay under the duvet and sleep forever.
My friend said I should have reported him to police last night but seriously, they are not interested in my h coming here and pissing me off, unless he does something harmful I've nothing. I'm so close to just leaving and giving in.

One of my favourite pieces of music - the blue and green things are strangely hypnotic! I'm hoping to learn to play it sometime. I wanted to call one of the kittens Elise.

iwas I could walk, 30 mins brisk. But like to be home ASAP after leaving work. I walk when it snows. Other happy songs, loads of Motown and Style Council. Style Council was generally in the CD car thing.

Shout To The Top

My Ever Changing Moods

Ali Do not leave the house, however bad you feel

He's a prize cunt.

I have no idea why we call police pigs. Pigs are actually very intelligent animals. Must be ironic

Thanks WTW, I need to go to the CAB today. Not sure how it goes with having an aupair. No bedroom tax, I'm assuming, but full council tax?

I have to extricate myself from my mother. She (half) helped me by allowing us to stay but then got pissed about 5 days in and declared we had to leave and go to a refuge. A refuge would have been better as at least we would have got to sleep at a decent time without listening to action movies blaring all night...
Anyway, I still have my mum's key and asked her if I could go to hers to do our laundry as I still don't have a washing machine. She said yes but I had to finish off her laundry first bc she has gone on holiday again.
There is loads of it and it's not HER laundry, it's her cocklodger's laundry.
Seriously.
I've texted her and said "I have done it this time but please do your laundry before you go on holiday next time. One of the perks of being single is not having to look at a man's laundry".

I don't want to see her partners underpants, but in my mum's eyes that's what women are for, I guess. My brother is single and childless and lives nearby but she would never in a million years ask him to do her laundry.

I know this is not about STBXH per se, but it reminds me why I had to flee so far away from my mother because a) Any "support" has to be repaid a thousandfold to the extent it was never worth accepting help in the first place and b) I'm thinking H might even be better for my mental health than this woman and her beau

not today. Going to the CAB sometime this week

I like that one Izzie - Shout To The Top.

I like this song and it's quite apt now in a lot of ways.

iwas this is my favourite instrumental. Actually maybe my favourite song anyway. Me and twunt used to play it a lot but it has no memories of him for me. My dad got me into all of that. Since he died, 1998, I can't play it without having a little cry. But I still love it

Moonlight Serenade

sakura CAB's website has loads of info if you want to take a look before you go to see them. Google " Citizens Advice". The site will ask you which part of the Uk you're in, as different laws apply.

On the top bar click on Relationships, there is lots of useful stuff under "Ending a Marriage". If you click on Benefits on the top bar you'll find info about what benefits you may be eligible for a a lone parent. Look under Benefits and then Children and Young People.

It will give you a heads up before you see anyone. It may not answer all your questions but it should give you a good idea of help available.

Hth

I suppose I'm just pissed off he's being a coward and not coming here and facing me, he just always runs away

Yeah the twunt now gone here was the same. Just makes me lose all respect. What's the phrase he always hated. And I wonder why?

Man up

Good choice Izzie.

This reminds me of my mum, she liked the Judy Garland version, but I think this is a beautiful version with such feeling.

iwas fur elise is the only tune I can vaguely still plat on the piano after learning as a child

aliyou will need to have the house valued at some point as you will all the assets. I would not sit and have a conversation with him and DD just after he's seen her, as this seems to be when he's done the worst damage on messing with her head. Pick another more "neutral" time

Izzie could you give me a short lesson on how to put a you tube song on here pls, have tried once and had a big fail x thanks in advance hope that one worked

I am sure you play it very well Bobs.

Living put the you tube video on and then highlight the address thing - the www.etc bit. Copy it (Ctrl + c) and then paste on here. If you put double round it then you can add the name as well - see at the bottom of the page where it says links.

ok thanks Izzie will have a go now, dont laugh too much if it fails

sad memories for 22 years ago(not my wedding by the way) but a song I play now to cheer me up

Living you called me Izzie!!!

Sorry iwas what a bloody libertynothing to do with the alcohol

oops still learning but you can see what I tried to do .. A for effort.. E for achievement

last one I promise.

living as proprietor of the bar for now! may I remind you that you won't be served if you continue to abuse me. I will let you off this time for posting the Style Council!

I should think so Living!! The link worked well done.

Now, I have loved this song since I was a kid. I love singing along to it. It's sort of multi layered so you can be either lead singer or backing singer or both.

PS I haven't had a drink yet. I'll get me coat

I'm Gonna Make You Mine