just had a chat with dh about his emotional affair

[FlappertyFlippers]

Dh and I have been together 10 years and have 2 dc (aged 5 and 1). Things are good between us, at times they are great.

However there has always been one niggle in our relationship -his very close friendship with his ex (they'd split about 2 years before we got together and remained friends). She suffers from depression, has had a string of crappy relationships, is financially unstable and she depends on my dh her only friend emotionally, for practical stuff (he still sorts out her car insurance), etc.they don't see each other often but chat on the phone every day, at least once a day and he always leaves the room for these chats, he guards his phone and never lets me near it, and he basically shuts me out of this part of his life. I fucking hate it.

In the past he has gone behind my back in order to help her out and make her happy, without any consideration for me and my feelings. The worst case was when dd was just born and he decided to start up a business with her without even consulting me or discussing it. This means I have severe issues with trust around their relationship as I know he is willing to prioritise her wants over my opinion. To me it felt like a complete betrayal of trust, but he cannot see this and views it as just him supporting her and helping her to get on with her life. This is just one example, not an isolated incident.

Lately the amount of phone calls, his secrecy, etc has ramped up and I decided to gently confront him as quite frankly I can't take anymore. I explained how I felt excluded, how actually she knows more about what's going on in his life than I do and how uncomfortable it makes me feel.

He got defensive, says it's all in my head, he's just helping her through a tough time, is pissed off I basically don't trust him and says I'm blowing it all out of proportion.

He asked what he was supposed to do, stop being her friend all together? I said no, I would not ask that of him, the only relationship I can control/end is the one between him and me and I know that if I did try and end their friendship he'd just resort to hiding it instead. I told him it was up to him to find a solution as his behaviour around things to do with her is the cause of my issues. I feel like he is having an emotional affair, and I'm just a convenience in his life who does his cooking, his laundry, childcare,, etc.

Then ds woke up and I'm now hiding in his room rocking him back to sleep.

Is there a solution to our situation? Honestly I am so lost. But their friendship is making me feel like crap about myself and I am unwilling to depend the next however many years continuing to feel like crap about myself.

Sorry posted too soon.

Wishing you all the blimming best" you ARE an inspiration to us all and I stick by my guns!

This is great, I really hope this is a new start for you.

OP I'm pleased for you. It's wonderful that you expressed your needs so clearly and he is committed to being your partner. But a word of caution. His friendship with her was satisfying or expressing some sort of emotional need for him. Just because the friendship is gone, it doesn't mean his emotional logic has changed. I think there is still room for a therapist to work with him to understand what was going on, why he was essentially in two relationships, as others have described it. You cannot just wish a stable foundation into being, no matter how much he wants to (and I'm not questioning that he does).

I've just reread your OP. They have been friends the duration of your relationship? what I said above goes double.

Has anyone recommended the book "Not Just Friends" ? He needs to read it.

It is worrying that he doesn't know what the line is after years of you telling him.

As rooty says if he really does cut ties with his friend there is going to be a void that needs filling.

How is he going to fill that?

Just wanted to say I completely understand what you mean OP.

He hasn't been completely in your relationship for 10 years.

You've handled this really well.

Does he have an inkling that he gets a kick out of rescuing people?

Very notable how often you've mentioned his view that you're strong and capable with a golden life. He's searching for little lost souls to rescue, and his needy friend fit the bill. By doing do he gets to think he's doing it for them. You're going to keep having problems until the day he realises that he's doing it for him.

Sounds good but she is not a "friend" she is his ex and she dumped him and he never let go. Hoping that nearly losing you and your relationship has shocked him into truly seeing what he could lose.

I'm really glad he saw sense. You have handled things brilliantly.

However - I am a cynical moo and I'd be keeping an eye out. Just in case part of the 2 days thinking time involved contacting OW and working out how they could stay friends but cover their tracks better.

I hope that isn't the case - you sound fab - but I'd be checking. Good luck x

There's a certain type of man who gets a massive hard on from rescuing poor vulnerable abused women and then being astonished that the 'strong' woman in his life objects to the emotional investment instead of joining the chorus in his head of 'how wonderful you aaaaaaaaare.'

Sometimes those men need a cold bucket of water on their heads and feel grateful and relieved for a second chance.

I hope that things work out the way you want them to, and from what I've read here even if they don't, you've got enough self respect to go on to a better life for you and the lovely DCs.