just had a chat with dh about his emotional affair

[FlappertyFlippers]

Dh and I have been together 10 years and have 2 dc (aged 5 and 1). Things are good between us, at times they are great.

However there has always been one niggle in our relationship -his very close friendship with his ex (they'd split about 2 years before we got together and remained friends). She suffers from depression, has had a string of crappy relationships, is financially unstable and she depends on my dh her only friend emotionally, for practical stuff (he still sorts out her car insurance), etc.they don't see each other often but chat on the phone every day, at least once a day and he always leaves the room for these chats, he guards his phone and never lets me near it, and he basically shuts me out of this part of his life. I fucking hate it.

In the past he has gone behind my back in order to help her out and make her happy, without any consideration for me and my feelings. The worst case was when dd was just born and he decided to start up a business with her without even consulting me or discussing it. This means I have severe issues with trust around their relationship as I know he is willing to prioritise her wants over my opinion. To me it felt like a complete betrayal of trust, but he cannot see this and views it as just him supporting her and helping her to get on with her life. This is just one example, not an isolated incident.

Lately the amount of phone calls, his secrecy, etc has ramped up and I decided to gently confront him as quite frankly I can't take anymore. I explained how I felt excluded, how actually she knows more about what's going on in his life than I do and how uncomfortable it makes me feel.

He got defensive, says it's all in my head, he's just helping her through a tough time, is pissed off I basically don't trust him and says I'm blowing it all out of proportion.

He asked what he was supposed to do, stop being her friend all together? I said no, I would not ask that of him, the only relationship I can control/end is the one between him and me and I know that if I did try and end their friendship he'd just resort to hiding it instead. I told him it was up to him to find a solution as his behaviour around things to do with her is the cause of my issues. I feel like he is having an emotional affair, and I'm just a convenience in his life who does his cooking, his laundry, childcare,, etc.

Then ds woke up and I'm now hiding in his room rocking him back to sleep.

Is there a solution to our situation? Honestly I am so lost. But their friendship is making me feel like crap about myself and I am unwilling to depend the next however many years continuing to feel like crap about myself.

Emma that is precisely my frustration with him, the he minimises and disregards my feelings. Rather than acknowledging them, owning it, he chooses to not change his interactions, he only chooses to hide it from me. This in turn makes it worse for me. So he then hides it even more.

I saw no other option but to put us on a break, to end things. I told him clearly that I adore him but I cannot continue to live with this. I also said that if he decides to take the necessary steps and comes back to me has has to do it without bitterness and resentment. It has to be his genuinely wanting to be 100% committed to me.

But it hurts. Apart from this he is so wonderful. So lovely. So absolutely perfect for me. We are perfect for each other. Really, really we are.

I wish you all the best OP you are truly inspirational.

Just a thought ( based on personal experience) ....where is the father of the other woman's Child?

Aw OP I understand that you must be hurting. I'm sure you wouldn't have put up with it for so long if he didn't have good points as well. But do you see that he's not wonderful or perfect? A good man, the right man for you, would listen to you, respect your feelings, and put you first.

I am not inspirational!!! I am a fucking mess.

The father of the other woman child is now out of the picture, he is the one that was physically, mentally and financially abusing her. They would get together and break up then get together again, etc, etc, but I think the break is now permanent. Dh is supporting her through this

That woman sounds like such a soppy, pathetic, needy shite. If he's getting his kicks helping out like the 'big stwong man' then you're better off out of it. I'm so angry on your behalf.

"That woman sounds like such a soppy, pathetic, needy shite."

Don't do this, don't blame the OW. The man is at fault here for neglecting his wife and enabling OW's needy behaviour. If she has been in an abusive relationship she clearly needs support (just not from him!) and while her behaviour is not right or healthy, demonising her for it is not going to help the OP.

Let's get angry with the scumbag man who is putting his wife second and refusing to listen to her or respect her feelings.

He doesn't sound lovely or perfect for anyone.

There must be something deeply wrong with him to get so much pleasure out of another person's suffering.

Or really two of people's suffering. He must get something out of your distress as well as hers.

What a weak, vain, shallow, unethical, dishonest prick he is to have carried on like this for a decade.

I really hope you come to see in your time apart from him that a man who had even the tiniest amount of respect or love for you would not have been making forever promises to another woman while using you to keep a stable home and raise stable children.

AnotherEmma, totally not dissing the 'OW' and letting him get away with it. From what I read she's been like this since they split so it's not due to a recent abusive relationship. I've been in one and been a LP, I've always taught myself to learn things I hadn't had to do before. He is enabling her neediness by doing everything instead of telling her to use google - like I had to many times!

He's a wanker. Not being a father to his DCs or a husband to his wife.

Agree with hellkitty

Well done op now is the time to dig in and look after yourself and dc. Make sure you put you and dc first. If he wants to be a part of your life he will move heaven and Earth for you to take him back. Now is the time you will see his true worth - not the person you knew who was having his cake and eating it.

Exactly what Jo said. He has to prove to YOU that he's worth it. This isn't about choices for him to make.

Despite being a 'fecking mess' OP you still sound strong and focused and inspirational to all those out there who would be sobbing into a vat of gin,blaming themselves solely by now.

I had a ex (pig of a) husband who was very close to one Ex and often helped her with jobs/ finances/ housing issues ( form filling) and so on as she was a single/ abandoned mother of one.

Despite their friendship and the fact that I had met her a few times I developed Spidey Senses which he mocked me for.
I practiced chilling out and read self help books on jealousy etc.

She ended up gaining a boyfriend ( to my joy and relief) but I found out my husband was ' employing' him ( boyfriend had no relevant qualifications and in this field) in our construction business to ' help them out' - nor did we need to take on anyone- so in effect he was giving away our money and enabling them both to be ' kept by us' WTF ?!?!?

I was angry and baffled beyond belief. He refused to discuss it and said I had a problem with charity. I said how about charity starts at home and let them sort their own lives out? He carried on helping her out emotionally, financially and practically.
Anyway fast forward 2 years , boyfriend got sick of his interference and left. Not before telling me the child was on fact my husbands ( total shock does not beging to describe it) and that was the missing piece to the puzzle. just a though.
We split up. I refuse to deal with deception.

All the best OP

I started reading your thread thinking 'Oh, another unreasonably jealous and insecure thread about an ex'. Then I got to the bit about him setting up a BUSINESS with her without you knowing, taking calls in secret, etc.!

Jesus! You're not jealous at all - you're a reasonable woman, who is drawing a reasonable line in the sand.

I think you're being really great about this. You're not asking him to choose - you're asking him to be open and honest with you, and to prioritise his home life. If he can't do that, then what do you have in your marriage really?

I suspect his ex is attention seeking, and he is addicted to providing that care, because he's a bit of a people pleaser and finds setting boundaries nigh on impossible. He may also enjoy being needed if you see what I mean (this is a bit pathetic, and he needs to get over it).

It CAN stop, and the friendship CAN be put on a new, healthier footing and your marriage CAN be saved- but it takes commitment from him to work as a team with you to do that. If he's not willing to do that, then I think he's officially a fuckwit.

I think you're being goodnatured and charitable allowing him to stay friends with her, and I suspect the healthy way forward, if he's willing, would be for you to become friends with her also. You could then be part of the care-giving up to a point, but also to insert some proper boundaries into the situation. I suspect when you were 'present' the dynamic of their friendship would shift towards something more healthy (this has been my experience).

I am so glad you have spoken to friends and they are being supportive Flapperty. Of course you are bereft, what else would a normal person be in your circumstances? But - better to drag it all into the light while you still had the strength to do so, before you disappeared under the insecurities your husband's behaviour was creating.

You might regard yourself as a fucking mess, but you must admit you are a fucking mess who not only knows what she has to do but had the will and the strength to it. Be kind to yourself.
+3.

Keep in mind that you have done nothing wrong here OP. Nothing. You are not responsible for her happiness and wellbeing.

You have simply told him what you are prepared to accept in your marriage. He now has to make some choices of his own. They are his decisions to make. He has all the information he needs.

He doesn't like it does he? Because he knows he really is going to have to choose. Like you say, he cannot give 100% to both of you.

Is he going to move out?

He is forcing YOU to choose! Between being in an unhappy marriage and living a shadow life where you feel like you and your children aren't worth your husband's full attention, between that, and being a single parent.

It doesn't matter what HE thinks about this friendship, it's about how it makes you feel.

I'd reiterate that you do not have the 'golden life'. Instead you are absolutely bereft at how he has been treating you. Maybe you too should get a male friend to get you through the difficult times. Would he like that?

"golden life" ?

yeah, right

married to a selfish man who prioritises another woman over the one he is supposed to love...nothing "golden" about that

you may not be married to a physically abusive man, but he is certainly emotionally fucking you up

He has spent 10 years shutting you out of a part of his life, going behind your back, being secretive and ignoring your pain and heartache.

He has done this. Don't you let him dare say you are making him chose. You have go over and above board.

It is unfortunately very telling that he is willing to allow your relationship/marriage/family with DC break down to continue to support another woman.

You do deserve better.

I think it's perfectly ok to say she is making him choose: she is, quite rightly.

Personally, given the shenanigans, I think trying to get him to reign in this relationship into normal boundaries is unworkable. What will happen is that he will unwillingly agree to speak to her say only once a week. He will do it for a while then talk to her more, talk to her in secret, break the boundaries and OP will be back to square 1.

So, it needs to be a clean break.

He's basically addicted to her. He's as needy of her company as she is of his. Rather than having one woman with a golden life and one with a shit one, he's got two unhappy women, and the one he's prioritising is not his wife.

^ LOL at the trifle!

You are amazing, OP.

Amazingness is purely an objective test, which you pass with flying colours.

Whether or not you actually feel amazing right now is totally irrelevant.

Your DC are so lucky to have such an honest, articulate, strong, fair minded mum.

As for the rest -

Fake it until you make it.

I just read through my post of this afternoon. God, all my anger has fizzled out. My adrenaline has crashed. I am exhausted. Empty.

Dh appeared about an hour ago. I have no strength to endure the next round of confrontation with him yet. We have managed to totally avoid speaking to each other so far. Very adult of us. Luckily the kids are still awake and I can hide behind them and their bedtime shenanigans. Ds is now sleeping in his arms. Dd is letting me hide in her room and enjoying being allowed to stay up late and watch the iPad. They remain blissfully unaware.

If you don't feel up for discussing it tonight, just don't. You need to be strong to stand your ground, and it is no wonder you're tired, you need a rest and a chance to reflect on what you want.

this "break"7

what does it look like/consist of ?