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Original poster

just had a chat with dh about his emotional affair

211 replies

FlappertyFlippers · 26/04/2015 12:07

Dh and I have been together 10 years and have 2 dc (aged 5 and 1). Things are good between us, at times they are great.

However there has always been one niggle in our relationship -his very close friendship with his ex (they'd split about 2 years before we got together and remained friends). She suffers from depression, has had a string of crappy relationships, is financially unstable and she depends on my dh her only friend emotionally, for practical stuff (he still sorts out her car insurance), etc.they don't see each other often but chat on the phone every day, at least once a day and he always leaves the room for these chats, he guards his phone and never lets me near it, and he basically shuts me out of this part of his life. I fucking hate it.

In the past he has gone behind my back in order to help her out and make her happy, without any consideration for me and my feelings. The worst case was when dd was just born and he decided to start up a business with her without even consulting me or discussing it. This means I have severe issues with trust around their relationship as I know he is willing to prioritise her wants over my opinion. To me it felt like a complete betrayal of trust, but he cannot see this and views it as just him supporting her and helping her to get on with her life. This is just one example, not an isolated incident.

Lately the amount of phone calls, his secrecy, etc has ramped up and I decided to gently confront him as quite frankly I can't take anymore. I explained how I felt excluded, how actually she knows more about what's going on in his life than I do and how uncomfortable it makes me feel.

He got defensive, says it's all in my head, he's just helping her through a tough time, is pissed off I basically don't trust him and says I'm blowing it all out of proportion.

He asked what he was supposed to do, stop being her friend all together? I said no, I would not ask that of him, the only relationship I can control/end is the one between him and me and I know that if I did try and end their friendship he'd just resort to hiding it instead. I told him it was up to him to find a solution as his behaviour around things to do with her is the cause of my issues. I feel like he is having an emotional affair, and I'm just a convenience in his life who does his cooking, his laundry, childcare,, etc.

Then ds woke up and I'm now hiding in his room rocking him back to sleep.

Is there a solution to our situation? Honestly I am so lost. But their friendship is making me feel like crap about myself and I am unwilling to depend the next however many years continuing to feel like crap about myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
FlappertyFlippers · 27/04/2015 13:49

I read all your replies last night and decided to let my thoughts percolate on whether to have counselling before talking to dh, as so many of you said it would be unhelpful. I needed time to compose my thoughts, and reassess where I'm at before we have a confrontation about this.

What summerbreezer said I suspect you are being clearer than you think - it is hurtful to think that he hears your pain and ignores you. It is more palatable to assume that he just does not understand yet. really go to me and made me open my eyes and see things more clearly. Fuck, that was tough to swallow, but he actually has been aware of how much it hurts me and yet he continues... that is not the actions of a kind, thoughtful and loving man. Overnight I have realised he may not actually be completely who I thought he was.

So here is my plan of action. I am going to sit him down and make him listen, I am going to lay my raw and bleeding pain on the table and I will force him to acknowledge the level of hurt he has caused, and continues to cause. He will not come away thinking that this makes me 'unhappy' or 'uncomfortable', he will see the devastation this is causing, he cannot continue lying to himself and minimising it. I am also at fault for having previously tried to 'be cool' about this friendship, hiding my pain, anger and sense of betrayal and internalizing it. I am going to be honest, brutally honest. I haven't always done this in the past.

I am going to explain that actually my issue is not about me and him. It is not about her and him. It is quite simply about him. And how despite knowing that it has upset me previously he blithely continued to put her wellbeing above my own. That behaviour is on him. That behaviour is no longer going to be acceptable.

Whenever I confronted him in the past he would simply tone down their interactions at least when I was around or hide it from me. I now need a resolution.

I will give him a few days to think about what he chooses to do. I am not going to give him options (you can do A and this will happen, or B and this will happen or maybe C), I am going to say go away and think about it. I will tell him that whatever he decides has to be a choice he is comfortable with making, the decision of how to fix this has to come from him, not be forced from me. Whether his choice will be one I am willing to work with remains to be seen.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 27/04/2015 13:53

sounds like a good plan but you have some work to do too

you need to decide where your boundaries lie

for every alternative he may come up you need to be quite clear what is and isn't acceptable to you

this really needs to be black and white now...no more allowing him to blame you and play at appeasing you only to do what the fuck he likes as soon as your back is turned

hellsbellsmelons · 27/04/2015 13:59

he's just helping her through a tough time
Jeez - a 10 year tough time.
I have no idea how you've haven't kicked him out yet.

I hope he can see sense but after 10+ years of pandering to another woman I can't imagine he will.

Original poster
FlappertyFlippers · 27/04/2015 13:59

anyfucker you are a wize person indeed. It is up to me to figure out the boundaries. I need to figure out exactly what I would be comfortable with, I desperately want this relationship to work. I adore him. But I also love myself, and need to start remembering that

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 27/04/2015 14:03

Best wishes Flapperty. Be alert to him trying to turn it all back on you, as I think this may be how he has controlled what you felt able to raise with him until now. You sound very clear sighted, I wish you well.

PeppermintPasty · 27/04/2015 14:21

Yes, and can I add something. You remind me a bit of me, as I used to be before I got old and didn't give a shit any more started putting myself first. I remember 'prepping' for big discussions with my (now ex) partner, whenever things needed airing, and I did this with scrupulous fairness and reasonableness. I would stretch every bone in my body to be 'fair' to a man who was never ever 'fair' to me.

I would listen, head cocked on one side, very sincerely taking on board the absolute shite that would come out of his mouth, and I would always try and 'compromise'.

What a waste of time that was! He would carry on doing exactly as he pleased.

So, might I suggest you tell him how it is going to be, rather than have a back and forth discussion which will result in him carrying on as before. If he doesn't end up putting you first, you have your answer.
Good luck.

Original poster
FlappertyFlippers · 27/04/2015 14:30

Hi peppermint*. I can see that I am trying desperately hard to be 'fair', I know I am, but it is how I feel I must be. Not only for me, but also for our dc. If things do not work out I need to be able to look them in the eye when they are older and say that I honestly tried everything I could before I called time on our family unit.

I would listen, head cocked on one side, very sincerely taking on board the absolute shite that would come out of his mouth, and I would always try and 'compromise'. the thing with this is that I am now in a place where I am no longer willing to compromise, years of compromising have wrung me dry.

OP posts:
Original poster
FlappertyFlippers · 27/04/2015 14:32

whereyouleftit he will very probably try to turn it back on me, make me give ultimatums that he can later resent me for. But I will refuse to engage in this.

OP posts:
PeppermintPasty · 27/04/2015 14:39

Good good, no more compromise, that's what I wanted to hear. Then you have reached your line I hope.

And you know what? When I got rid of my now ex, my closest friend said to me "one thing is for sure, you can never ever be accused of not having tried, of not having given it a go" , which was great to hear because I was still capable of thinking stupid shit, like I had been unfair to him in some way.

So I suspect you have tried and tried as well, and you will, like me, be able to look your kids in the eye and know that you did all you could.

And another thing! -our family unit, as you say, is SO much happier now. Without him. Hold that thought.

GenericDietCola · 27/04/2015 15:55

Sounds like an excellent plan. All the best with having The Talk and I hope he realises what he needs to do.

In the meantime, think through the possible outcomes of this and keep thinking about what you want.

Joyfulldeathsquad · 27/04/2015 16:01

Hi op sounds like your starting to deal with it. What will you do if he refuses to give her up?

Fairenuff · 27/04/2015 16:23

I think it sounds like a good plan. You seem clear in your head what you want to achieve.

When are you going to have the talk?

I would suggest setting out the rules at the beginning. Tell him you want a serious discussion with him and pin him down to a time and place. If necessary book a babysitter and sit together in the car or somewhere else quiet and private.

The rules could be something like:

No shouting, no swearing, no storming off, banging doors, etc. If you need a break, say so and take ten minutes to calm down, then rejoin the discussion.

No interrupting, no blaming, no changing the subject.

Listen and respond.

If he brings up other stuff, tell him 'I am happy to discuss that with you later, but right now we are talking about this' and keep it on topic.

At the end of the discussion, agree a time and date to revisit. Write it down if necessary.

AnyFucker · 27/04/2015 17:29

maybe I could come and take minutes ? Wink

Yarp · 27/04/2015 17:45

OP

I am tempted to whoop you. That last post was fabulous

He is having his cake and eating it

Yarp · 27/04/2015 17:46

Sorry, not last post, last big post at 13.49

Fairenuff · 27/04/2015 17:56

OP AF might be in the back seat with a clipboard, but the rest of us will just be with you in spirit Grin

rootypig · 27/04/2015 21:33

Sounds like a plan Flapperty. Remember if he turns it back on you - you're not giving ultimatums, you're not picking a fight, you are just reestablishing boundaries that should have always been there.

Original poster
FlappertyFlippers · 28/04/2015 07:05

It is official. Dh and I are 'on a break'

OP posts:
yougotafriend · 28/04/2015 07:16

So he won't give her up then?

rootypig · 28/04/2015 07:20

Oh Flapperty. I'm sorry to hear that. How are you?

wallaby73 · 28/04/2015 07:22

Hold fast flapperty, holdfast. I have afeeling things will become quite clear in thenext few days; i find remaining fairly mute but firm leads them to panic and it all tumbles out on to the grass and you will get clarity to assess what is before you......courage xx

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 28/04/2015 07:24

You do realise he'll probably sleep with her now, if he hasnt before.

flipflapsflop · 28/04/2015 07:32

That's helpful speculation Taliz

rootypig · 28/04/2015 07:33

Christ Tali, what an atrocious thing to say.

BathtimeFunkster · 28/04/2015 07:33

Well, as much as it must hurt, it is important that you know that he wouldn't have chosen you when pushed.