just had a chat with dh about his emotional affair

[FlappertyFlippers]

Dh and I have been together 10 years and have 2 dc (aged 5 and 1). Things are good between us, at times they are great.

However there has always been one niggle in our relationship -his very close friendship with his ex (they'd split about 2 years before we got together and remained friends). She suffers from depression, has had a string of crappy relationships, is financially unstable and she depends on my dh her only friend emotionally, for practical stuff (he still sorts out her car insurance), etc.they don't see each other often but chat on the phone every day, at least once a day and he always leaves the room for these chats, he guards his phone and never lets me near it, and he basically shuts me out of this part of his life. I fucking hate it.

In the past he has gone behind my back in order to help her out and make her happy, without any consideration for me and my feelings. The worst case was when dd was just born and he decided to start up a business with her without even consulting me or discussing it. This means I have severe issues with trust around their relationship as I know he is willing to prioritise her wants over my opinion. To me it felt like a complete betrayal of trust, but he cannot see this and views it as just him supporting her and helping her to get on with her life. This is just one example, not an isolated incident.

Lately the amount of phone calls, his secrecy, etc has ramped up and I decided to gently confront him as quite frankly I can't take anymore. I explained how I felt excluded, how actually she knows more about what's going on in his life than I do and how uncomfortable it makes me feel.

He got defensive, says it's all in my head, he's just helping her through a tough time, is pissed off I basically don't trust him and says I'm blowing it all out of proportion.

He asked what he was supposed to do, stop being her friend all together? I said no, I would not ask that of him, the only relationship I can control/end is the one between him and me and I know that if I did try and end their friendship he'd just resort to hiding it instead. I told him it was up to him to find a solution as his behaviour around things to do with her is the cause of my issues. I feel like he is having an emotional affair, and I'm just a convenience in his life who does his cooking, his laundry, childcare,, etc.

Then ds woke up and I'm now hiding in his room rocking him back to sleep.

Is there a solution to our situation? Honestly I am so lost. But their friendship is making me feel like crap about myself and I am unwilling to depend the next however many years continuing to feel like crap about myself.

Op, I've read all of this thread and I just want to say that IMO you are completely doing the right thing. Nobody should be made to feel second best by someone who should make you their priority. I don't know how you've managed to put up with his hurtful selfish ways for so long. I hope this works out the way you want and he comes to his senses, if he chooses her then you know you have done the right thing and he would have made the same choice a bit further down the road.

You've done really, really well op.

He is behaving like an idiot. You are absolutely right to say you'll have no more of it.

Well done Flapperty, he still doesn't get it does he?

Sounds like he has stormed off on a wave of righteous indignation that you are forcing him to abandon a needy friend. Let's hope the break gives him the opportunity to re evaluate his priorities.

Well done for taking the control back, completely the right thing to do.

Wow! You must be heart broken but your strength will get you through.

Wait for the script.

No doubt you will have pushed him into her bed should that happen and what was he meant to do?

So, you weren't wrong then!

Funny how she always seems to be coming out of yet another abusive relationship, convenient, especially as you never met her and don't know a thing about her.
He is lying and you forced his hand.

I think AF is right. It's not an emotional affair, I think he has always remained in love with her. There is probably a sexual relationship too. I hope I am wrong but men dont hang around that long without an big incentive. Please be ready for this to be a possibility.

I am devastated. I am bereft. My stomach is full of rocks. I have spoken to 2 friends. They are shocked, but both reassured me they understood where I am coming from... They understand my reasons and are there for me. They both reassured me I did the right thing. This has helped to blow away my self doubt and herald in a wave of venomous anger. They both love him as much as I do, but they agree with me.

How dare he. How fucking dare he. He's saying I'm making him choose. Surely there should be no choice? Surely?in my life he is my rock, my anchor, my love. For me there would be no choice, if my action upset him I would immediately cease the hurtful behaviour.

To all those saying he's sleeping with her, or will be I honestly do not think this is the case. Physically I trust him implicitly. This I why he cannot get it, he believes I am jealous over their friendship when I have no reason to be as it is strictly platonic. Ergo, there is no need for me to be jealous as he's just supporting a friend through difficult times. He cannot see my issue.

Fuck that shit.

Ds is at nursery this morning, dd is at school. I have spent a morning driving around aimlessly until I. Stumbled upon a beautiful Forrest. I stormed through bluebells whilst ranting on the phone. I now have to collect ds from nursery, dd finishes school at 3 and gas a play date at mine after. I will now proceed to act normal for the sake of my dc, I want to shelter and protect them

Well done, Flapperty. You're doing really well.

You are a strong, capable and wonderful woman. Keep telling yourself that. He has gone waaaayy beyond what is classed as a normal friendship and if he can't see that now then he never will.

You are not forcing him to choose. You are simply putting your boundaries in place. I don't set up secret businesses with my friends of the opposite sex. I don't guard my phone and I don't leave the room to have secret chats. Nor do I sort out their lives and car insurance for them. That is not normal behaviour in a normal friendship - and he knows it

He has been able to behave this way for a decade. You have been 'cool' about it to a point. Yes he knows you didn't like it but you said that the last time you discussed this you told him you would never make him end his friendship with her. I think him saying 'you are effectively forcing me to choose' and storming out was an entirely predictable reaction. I completely understand why it's pissed you off so much and you must stand your ground on this, but I would give him some cooling off time before you can work out what is really going on with him. Well done on bringing this to a head, thinking about what is best for you and your DC, and standing your ground

well done op ,takes some strength to face it head on.

Well done OP, I really respect how well you've been dealing with this so far. Stay strong: you are 100% doing the right thing. Keep talking to your friends for support and other perspectives.

I had a similar situation. What I pointed out to my boyfriend was that his enabling of this other woman was not helping her, and it was also keeping her hanging onto the idea of a friendship / possible relationship that was massively mismatched in terms of feeling and commitment. I asked him if he was ok to do that, have no boundaries, jump because she (and actually there was more than one of them!) pulled a guilt trip over various problems and basically allow her to keep hanging onto him in an unhealthy manner. I asked him if that showed integrity on his part and what a genuinely good friend would do.

Then I asked him to think about rescuing complexes, being unable to say 'no' and how much having shit boundaries had affected his life and kept him in the orbit of unstable and demanding, needy women who drained him dry. And how much this was feeding his crappy self-esteem by feeling like the 'saviour' and 'protector'.

He had a think about it and exited those damaging interactions out of his life. He also did it because he realised that we were not going to be able to work on a healthy, boundaried relationship together if his boundaries were shot to shit with other people.

When it comes to your husband it seems like all this talk about making him choose is a smokescreen because he doesn't want to think more deeply about why he has kept this woman so dependent on him. Supporting friends is one thing, enabling them and allowing unhealthy attachments to strengthen is quite another and it not the mark of an ethical person (in my view).

Dunno if any of that would help if you asked your husband those questions, but it worked in my instance, and it stopped me from having to give ultimatums..it was not about me making him choose between us (though I would have been out of there like a shot if he hadn't sorted it out), but about asking him to choose more healthily for himself and for others he claimed to care about.

I do feel a huge amount of respect for my boyfriend that he was able to do this and he has been happier since and far less stressed and anxious than when I met him and I am sure a lot of that was to do with being honest with himself and others.

I hope the break does some good.

OP you sound lovely. He doesn't deserve you.

Thank you patience I am not perfect by any means, I am not totally lovely. To be honest I expected to get flamed on this thread for forcing him to abandon a deeply vulnerable woman who is going through the breakup of a very horrid abusive relationship. Especially as I posted in the relationship board, I know such women need help and I'm pushing him to withdraw that help. Honestly, it is not a nice or good or caring action. She needs support. I just wish it wasn't from my dh. I worry what will happen when or ifher steadfast friend and safety net abandons her, despite having had repeated promises from him that he will always be there. Crappy thing of me to do, but I just cannot take it anymore. He can either be her rock or mine. We cannot both be limited clinging onto him.

I understand you trust him physically but please please be prepared that there is so much more to their relationship than friendship. Many have " trusted" and believed their OH would never do this either. She dumped him and he seems to still hold a torch for her. Ten years is a long time to still be helping her.

After ten years there is usually more of a motive than friendship. At least if you find out it is sexual and an affair then you can get properly angry. All that protecting his phone and leaving the room etc are huge, huge red flags.

OP. She may need support, but not from your DH. With the kind of issues you've mentioned, she needs professional help from a trained counsellor or psychotherapist. She needs healthy relationships, not a dependent relationship on an ex-partner who is neglecting his own marriage and family.
If your DH ends the relationship or puts some boundaries in place, she may find it painful and difficult at first, but in the long run he will be helping her by no longer enabling her, and by leaving her to get the help she needs.
I'm not sure whether he is even going to do this though. It sounds like he feels responsible towards her and is in denial about how unhealthy it is and how much it's damaging you and your relationship with him.

Thanks for your kind words otheremma I think you've hit the nail o the head with It sounds like he feels responsible towards her and is in denial about how unhealthy it is and how much it's damaging you and your relationship with him.

Honestly, he is adamant that there is nothing wrong with their friendship, that my feelings are unfounded simply because i cannot see that he is only helping out a friend going through a tough time. He believes he is doing right by her, and cannot see how or why this impacts me. But I feel there is a flipside to his helping her, by telling her he's always going to be there for her, by helping her out so much he is essentially showing me that me and my feelings come second. And I no longer want to come second. I have suddenly realised I deserve so much more than that fro him. But he just can't see this, he truly believes he can give 100% of himself to both of us, and even with me jumping up and down shouting that this isn't the case he refuses to listen.

wow ! It's taken you a good while to get there but you totally owned that shit

he will be hoping now that his tantrum will make you reconsider...don't do it

Flapperty, keep a cool head and look after yourself.
The photo of the woods is lovely; make some time for a bit of breathing space when you can as well as looking after your DCs.

For everything that's been made out to be your negativity it rotates back on your DH. You're painting him into a corner? that's exactly what he's done to you. You're making him choose? he's offering you no choice, or at least your choice is between a rock and a hard place.

You clearly weren't a rebound choice if your DH and his Ex had been split for two years before you and he got together. Ten years is a ridiculous amount of time to constantly need support for every little event in life. Usually people will step up for their friends now and then, not all the time.

The sheer amount of time, phone calls and extreme secrecy would be my sticking points.

I think that's the most worrying thing about the situation: he won't listen you and is saying your feelings aren't "valid", which of course they are, we are all entitled to feel how we feel - and even if a partner feels differently, they should still try to understand and respect our feelings.
I'm really sorry to say this but if your DH isn't listening to you, I think you have to split. Couples counselling wouldn't help I don't think. There is a tiny chance that a break or split would cause him to do some soul searching and realise he's been in the wrong. But I think the healthiest thing for you to do would be to move on.
Life's too short to be second best for someone. You deserve to be number one priority to your partner.