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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

just had a chat with dh about his emotional affair

211 replies

FlappertyFlippers · 26/04/2015 12:07

Dh and I have been together 10 years and have 2 dc (aged 5 and 1). Things are good between us, at times they are great.

However there has always been one niggle in our relationship -his very close friendship with his ex (they'd split about 2 years before we got together and remained friends). She suffers from depression, has had a string of crappy relationships, is financially unstable and she depends on my dh her only friend emotionally, for practical stuff (he still sorts out her car insurance), etc.they don't see each other often but chat on the phone every day, at least once a day and he always leaves the room for these chats, he guards his phone and never lets me near it, and he basically shuts me out of this part of his life. I fucking hate it.

In the past he has gone behind my back in order to help her out and make her happy, without any consideration for me and my feelings. The worst case was when dd was just born and he decided to start up a business with her without even consulting me or discussing it. This means I have severe issues with trust around their relationship as I know he is willing to prioritise her wants over my opinion. To me it felt like a complete betrayal of trust, but he cannot see this and views it as just him supporting her and helping her to get on with her life. This is just one example, not an isolated incident.

Lately the amount of phone calls, his secrecy, etc has ramped up and I decided to gently confront him as quite frankly I can't take anymore. I explained how I felt excluded, how actually she knows more about what's going on in his life than I do and how uncomfortable it makes me feel.

He got defensive, says it's all in my head, he's just helping her through a tough time, is pissed off I basically don't trust him and says I'm blowing it all out of proportion.

He asked what he was supposed to do, stop being her friend all together? I said no, I would not ask that of him, the only relationship I can control/end is the one between him and me and I know that if I did try and end their friendship he'd just resort to hiding it instead. I told him it was up to him to find a solution as his behaviour around things to do with her is the cause of my issues. I feel like he is having an emotional affair, and I'm just a convenience in his life who does his cooking, his laundry, childcare,, etc.

Then ds woke up and I'm now hiding in his room rocking him back to sleep.

Is there a solution to our situation? Honestly I am so lost. But their friendship is making me feel like crap about myself and I am unwilling to depend the next however many years continuing to feel like crap about myself.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 28/04/2015 21:10

Wow OP he is just ignoring you again, acting like the conversation never happened Shock

rootypig · 28/04/2015 21:10

I think ideally Flap, he'd make arrangements to stay elsewhere, at the very least for a few days. You need some time to yourself. Seeing each other now will be painful and also make it difficult to think clearly.

Discussing and deciding together where he's going to go, will make that feel safer.

GoatsDoRoam · 28/04/2015 21:16

Being "on a break" while living under the same roof is going to exhaust you, Flapperty.

And I'm another one who thinks you are inspirational, taking the choice into your own hands.

I understand your pain and frustration. I had similar, with an ex-bf. His choice is not between you and her, it's between co-dependency and healthy boundaries. But if he doesn't see that, then he doesn't see that.

magoria · 28/04/2015 21:18

He probably thinks if he doesn't talk with you then it goes away and you carry on putting up and shutting up like the last 10 years.

Don't let it slip.

You deserve better.

AnyFucker · 28/04/2015 21:23

if you stay under the same roof, I would imagine his version of "being on a break" would consist of fucking off for hours and not having to explain where he is going, opting out of childcare/shitwork, seeing OW while you keep the home fires burning and generally getting to behave like a single man with the advantage of a live in housekeeper

Fairenuff · 28/04/2015 21:27

It's not a break if you are still living together. It's two people not talking, like one big sulkfest. That's not what you meant at all OP. Don't let him go back to calling the shots.

AnyFucker · 28/04/2015 21:29

is he usually home so late, OP ?

namechange2015 · 28/04/2015 21:59

I've managed to support a friend through a messy abusive break up without having secretive phone calls an so on Hmm
It's like he has two lives, not even discussing it with you. Is there any way you could get right in there, start 'supporting' her yourself, or rather together with your shades & then bring the whole thing to a conclusion?? I bet she wouldn't ask for help from you as a couple again, she just wants him. 10 years?!? That's ridiculous. Find out when her car insurance is next up & show her some quotes you've found Wink pitch her a random business idea Wink honestly though op well done for being strong Flowers

petalsandstars · 29/04/2015 06:06

If you take nothing else - reread AFs post from 21.23 again and again. You want a break - not giving him carte blanche to actually do whatever he likes without a word. This is worth at least a conversation - pull your weight with DC and the house etc and you can stay here whilst you think things through - if you think you can swan off wherever and whenever you feel like it without a thought to the children (food/childcare ) then you can do it from elsewhere his parents ..
Tell him you will not be picking up his slack.

Fairenuff · 29/04/2015 07:33

Hope you're ok this morning OP, not too overwhelmed.

The highs and lows of adrenaline are normal in this situation. You will go from being all fired up and angry, to exhausted and feeling incapable of anything.

This is why you need family and friends around you. Rely on them, rely on us, look after yourself, remember to eat and your energy will return. This is your life, not some soap opera, it will take time but you'll get there in the end x

Keep posting for support, there is usually someone around to chat with/offload on whatever time of day.

Original poster
FlappertyFlippers · 30/04/2015 14:05

Returning with an update, and also to say a massive thanks to all the posters who supported me, making me realise that this is a fucked up situation and that i was perfectly within my rights to demand it ends. I'd have probably talked myself out of my resolve if it hadnt been for having the threat of anyfucker and the rest of you sitting in the background with a clipboard, taking notes and forcing me to deal with it.

So dh and I talked. We talked and talked. Some of it went well. Some of it went in circles. Firstly dh apologised and offered to give up his friend, cut contact and be there fully for us. I said that is not enough, it is not good enough. He needed to see where his behaviour was wrong, where the boundaries were crossed, how much it sidelined me, why it is fundamentally wrong to ever make me feel like second best. He agreed, and once again said sorry, he'd do anything to fix it, but I wasn't done.

So we talked. He initially apologised. I kept at him. He then tried to minimise, I refused to accept this. He then tried to explain. I was not having it. So he moved on to trying to justify his behaviour. Not good enough. For every argument he had to offer in his defence, there was a startlingly obvious flaw. I called him out o this every single time.

It went on and on. I kept at him, forcing him to understand that every time he said, 'I see what you mean, but...' or ' it's not like that, I can see how it comes across, but....' that he was stamping on our relationship with that 'but'. There is no room in our relationship to compromise on a 'but'. My feelings are worth more than a 'but'.

Finally, it broke through to him. Finally he understood that the issue isn't my jealousy. It isn't him having a close friend. It is him knowing that his actions upset me, and STILL CONTINUING TO DO IT, because he can try and justify it to himself and tell himself he's only helping out a friend. He sees that the coin has a flipside, by sometimes giving his time, his loyalty, his care, his attention to her he is actively removing that from me. He didn't want to admit this to himself, he does now.

He sees me as strong, and her as weaker, and so thought that her need for support was greater than my need for him to be there for me totally. He admitted this. I pointed out the flaws with that.

He apologised again, but this time he actually knew precisely what he had to be sorry for. He said he'd end the friendship, I said not necessary, he could continue to be her friend but I would expect it remain within the boundaries of a normal friendship. He asked me to define where the line is. I refused to give him parameters, simply saying he should know when it all becomes inappropriate and deeply hurtful to me. He knows that if I ever feel hurt again there will be no talk, no forgiveness, no more.

He spent 2 days thinking about it and has come back to me. His decision is to end their friendship, to cut contact as he is not willing to risk stepping over an invisible line.

OP posts:
Summerbreezer · 30/04/2015 14:46

Well done, OP. How do you feel now?

I am pleased he decided to cut contact completely. I don't think this is a friendship that could continue in a healthy way.

Please keep your boundaries strong and intact. All the best of luck.

HellKitty · 30/04/2015 15:20

Oh Flap, thanks for the update. I'm glad he's realising even if it took him a while. I'm sure you'll be fine.

hellsbellsmelons · 30/04/2015 15:34

Sounds like you did all the right things and he seems to be stepping up as well. Helping her through a tough time, OK, but 10 years is not a tough time.
Bless him, I really hope he sticks to it.

laurierf · 30/04/2015 15:36

I thought he'd come round after a cooling off period and discussion - so pleased for you. To be honest your argument sounded exactly like one dh and I had about his cycling obsession (the ow in our marriage is a bike - that's not a slang term, I mean an actual bike)! Glad he said he'd cut the friendship, for the ex as much as everyone else to be honest, as it's not healthy... Sadly for me, I can't say the same thing about cycling Confused

JohnFarleysRuskin · 30/04/2015 16:18

That's a really good outcome, op, well done for getting your point across.

Fairenuff · 30/04/2015 16:25

Well done OP, it sounds like you manged to get through to him. Now he is going to be around more, you can plan some nice things to do together, start to reconnect and remember why you are together.

How often do you go out for walks together - woods, beaches, hills - all great places to take the children and enjoy walking and chatting whilst they run/potter around.

I think it's good that he's stopping all contact with her. Let's see if he stick to it.

FantasticButtocks · 30/04/2015 16:55

Good result Thanks

Justusemyname · 30/04/2015 17:06

I really hope things are as you think they are and he isn't just going to hide everything from you. Or announce a male friend from work, or over time, that he has to see or do.

Joyfulldeathsquad · 30/04/2015 17:14

Fab! I would have flee of the handle and made it ten times worse but you dealt with it amazing. Well done you

FlowersWine

Joyfulldeathsquad · 30/04/2015 17:14

*flew!

Hidingmyidentity · 30/04/2015 19:33

He has obviously come to the right decision & I hope things improve for you in the future.

I think cutting contact with her is the right thing to do. I know you didn't want to force him to make that choice but really I don't think there was a viable alternative. Neither of them seem to recognise boundaries.

CheeseandPickledOnion · 30/04/2015 19:56

Well done OP! Wow! As someone else said, you OWNED that shit.

I hope he sticks to what he's committed to. It sounds like he's thought about everything said over 2 days and realised that he doesn't know where that line is. And hopefully that has made him realise that it IS inappropriate.

I'm in awe of both you and Mumsnet. I should have posted when I was going through my seperation. I'd have had much bigger balls if I had. Grin

CheeseandPickledOnion · 30/04/2015 19:57

Well done OP! Wow! As someone else said, you OWNED that shit.

I hope he sticks to what he's committed to. It sounds like he's thought about everything said over 2 days and realised that he doesn't know where that line is. And hopefully that has made him realise that it IS inappropriate.

I'm in awe of both you and Mumsnet. I should have posted when I was going through my seperation. I'd have had much bigger balls if I had. Grin

Flipflopskid · 30/04/2015 21:10

Talk is cheap. Watch him like a gentle hawk.