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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To not want custody

400 replies

SilentPonderings · 21/04/2015 09:18

Background:

10 year marriage.
2 kids (aged 3 and 4).
Marriage breakdown imminent.

I was a SAHM for 4 years. Hated it (pnd, amongst other things). Now I work fulltime - it is definitely where I belong. Wage is low but with great opportunity for advancement (I'm being trained).

AIBU to not want custody of the children? It seems very atypical for a woman to declare this. Essentially I want to take the traditionally masculine role of moving out of the family home and seeing the children at the weekends.

OP posts:
Droflove · 21/04/2015 09:21

It is very much your choice. You are best placed to know what suits you. Do you think your ex will be keen to take them as main carer?

Morelikeguidelines · 21/04/2015 09:21

Yanbu if stbxh is happy and you think he would be better in that role.

LaurieFairyCake · 21/04/2015 09:23

Can't you do 50/50? It's residency, not custody - not pointing that out to be arsey Grin, you just need to know the term.

You're both going to need really good childcare if you're both working full time.

What does your soon to be ex want? Is he happy to have residency or go 50/50?

NoMoreDelays · 21/04/2015 09:25

LaurieFairyCake the term residence hasn't been used since April 2014.

It's now Child Arrangements Orders which can be to 'live with' or ' spend time with'.

FenellaFellorick · 21/04/2015 09:25

You must do what is best for the children. If you are not the most appropriate choice of resident parent then do not put yourself in that role because it is what society expects. Give your children the parent that best meets their needs. You can have a good, close relationship with them and ensure that they feel loved and valued by you.

Is their father a good parent? Are you able to talk with him about how this will work?

I think that whichever parent moves out, it works best if both parents can set aside their own problems and work as a team to ensure the children are ok.

I'm not going to lie to you, there will be people who judge you. Anyone who says that won't happen is fooling themselves. You may have to decide how you're going to deal with that.

livsmommy · 21/04/2015 09:26

YANBU to feel that way, everybody's different. But if your husband wants to do the same (leave you and the children in the family home and have them at weekends) you're obviously going to run into problems.

Schoolaroundthecorner · 21/04/2015 09:27

What are the childcare arrangements at the moment with you working full time? If they are good and facilitate you working at the moment then perhaps 50/50 could work for you. Otherwise, no, you aren't being unreasonable if you feel it's what's best. I imagine there will be some dissenting comments but if it's fair enough for a father to take on this approach it's fair enough for the mother.

In your situation I'd probably go 50/50 myself but it's a personal choice.

Original poster
SilentPonderings · 21/04/2015 09:27

His parents are great with the kids. They provide a lot of childcare.

At first DH was all "I'll fight you for the kids" but when I calmly responded that he can have them, he has now switched to pushing 50/50, which I don't want.

He is so much the better parent: better at engaging, more patience, and he enjoys it more. I'm a 'quality over quantity' parent, and I learnt this about myself the hard way.

OP posts:
flora717 · 21/04/2015 09:27

Who takes on most of the time with the children now? (Routine wise, if that will alter will that change start to happen gradually?).
How far away will houses be (from nursery / each parent etc).
Would you really get every weekend andprevent other parents from that downtime?

MsMittens · 21/04/2015 09:28

YANBU at all if you can find a situation that works for your family. Your post says what you want but does not seem to consider what is best for your DCs?

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 21/04/2015 09:29

So if he doesnt want them full time and you dont want them full time. What is gonna happen to them?

OrlandoWoolf · 21/04/2015 09:29

What does your ex think?

Many separated parents don't do the every other weekend bit - there's the week as well.

More importantly - don't you think seeing the children every other weekend is crap? You miss out on school stuff, friendships, general life.

Your choice - I presume you'll pay maintenance as well?

flora717 · 21/04/2015 09:31

You're saying you're better but he enjoys the time?. OK. I may have misunderstood. But I think you need to put aside the best case for you and consider the best case for the children.

NickiFury · 21/04/2015 09:32

I agree MsMittens. Seems to be all about YOU OP.

An uninterested parent can be extremely emotionally damaging for children, whatever the parent's gender.

sebsmummy1 · 21/04/2015 09:32

OP reading this thread has made me wonder why you bothered having them at all? I can only hope they are not overhearing any of these heart warming conversations between your husband and yourself.

ImperialBlether · 21/04/2015 09:34

Would you say you haven't bonded with the children, OP?

Original poster
SilentPonderings · 21/04/2015 09:36

Who takes on most of the time with the children now? (Routine wise)

Him.

How far away will houses be (from nursery / each parent etc).

Mine would be quite far away (next city) as I would move closer to work.

Would you really get every weekend and prevent other parents from that downtime?

Not sure I understand your question.

OP posts:
ditavonteesed · 21/04/2015 09:37

why dont you have one each? it's not like it's about them is it, just what you want. Pick your favourite.

redcapsforteeth · 21/04/2015 09:37

I felt the way you did when the DC were young. Now they are older I enjoy them more. Start off with fifty fifty and see how you go.

Rinoachicken · 21/04/2015 09:38

Poor kids, neither parent wants them it seems

TenerifeSea · 21/04/2015 09:38

Prying a bit but have you dealt with the PND? You sound quite detached and I wonder if you ever addressed your feelings post birth and how being a SAHM obviously affected you.

Micah · 21/04/2015 09:39

I don't think YABU at all.

Could 50/50 be he has them mon-fri, you have them fri eve- mon morning? Would that work?

Would mediation help you both?

madreloco · 21/04/2015 09:39

Really bad idea to put this in aibu, OP, you're going to get lots of shaming posts about being a terrible mother and how you're ruining your children. I'd get it moved elsewhere if I were you.

There is no reason you should have custody by default just because you are the mother, and it isn't a problem for you not to have them full time...UNLESS your DH doesn't want them either. Between you, you have to be responsible and make the best choice for the children you created together. Someone needs to step up, either one of you can do it, your genitals don't come into it.

OrlandoWoolf · 21/04/2015 09:39

Does your ex work?

Will his career be affected?

PotteringAlong · 21/04/2015 09:40

So you don't want them all the time and neither does your ex dh? Poor children - don't ever let them know they were the subject of a fight over who had to have them because neither of you wanted them.

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