To not want custody

[SilentPonderings]

Background:

10 year marriage.
2 kids (aged 3 and 4).
Marriage breakdown imminent.

I was a SAHM for 4 years. Hated it (pnd, amongst other things). Now I work fulltime - it is definitely where I belong. Wage is low but with great opportunity for advancement (I'm being trained).

AIBU to not want custody of the children? It seems very atypical for a woman to declare this. Essentially I want to take the traditionally masculine role of moving out of the family home and seeing the children at the weekends.

YANBU- parenthood isn't an easy job, and some if us struggle with it constantly. You need to consider the needs of your children not the whims of your stbxh.
PND will have had a huge impact on How you feel. Do you think you're depressed now?
Is your separation due to unreasonable behaviour or because of lack of support?

Could 50/50 be he has them mon-fri, you have them fri eve- mon morning? Would that work

Yeh - he has them when they are at school. She has the fun times with them at the weekends.

Let's hold off on the gendered double standards. The OP doesn't need to have a problematic or distant relationship with her children in order to prefer a residence arrangement that people seem to accept without comment when it's the father seeing his children at weekends.

What they mean about weekends, is that the resident parent ALSO has the right to weekend time with their children. This would mean that you really should only see them every second weekend in order to facilitate this. It's really not fair on the resident parent if the non resident parent has them every weekend for the 'fun' time and resident parent gets left to do all of the hard work and none of the downtime with the DC.

Yanbu as soon as your ex agrees. As someone else said start 50/50 and see how it goes.

Orlando- could you explain why she needs to consider his career if they're no longer a couple?

Don't fall into the trap of thinking that his parents will have them or continue to provide most of the childcare.

I don't care who is the resident - but it is upsetting that neither parent seems to want them

you can have them they're not a sack of potatoes FFS

I would say it has nothing to do with gender, neither parent wants these children.

yes you would only see them every second weekend. Not every weekend.

No one is shaming the OP for being a terrible mother. People are surprised by how disengaged she seems as a parent.

you can work and look after your children during the week you know. You wouldn't have to quit your training if you had residency.

atomic

Because men get judged for wanting little time with their kids and making it hard for their exes to have a career.

Her actions will affect her ex. That's what happens when couples separate. I presume the OP is more than happy to provide decent maintainance, to pay the extra childcare costs and to only see her children every other weekend?

Poor kids. I hope they never find out their parents are fighting about who doesn't get them.

I suggest you stop thinking about what you want and start thinking about what is best for the children.
Basically it seems you don't want the day to day drudgery (the actual parenting bit) but to swoop in on weekends and act like some high flying fairy godmother.

So if he doesnt want them full time and you dont want them full time. What is gonna happen to them?

Basically, my departure will cause very little disruption on account that he is already the primary parent. I think he's just being awkward now with the 50/50 pushing because he's realising that he can't use the kids as a pawn in a "I'll fight you for them" sense.

don't you think seeing the children every other weekend is crap?

I mean every weekend, so 2 days of every 7.

I presume you'll pay maintenance as well?

Of course. I'll pay absolutely what I can. The proportion of my salary that is deemed fit by law (what is that btw?)

OP reading this thread has made me wonder why you bothered having them at all?

Okay, let's go there shall we? (If I was a man, would you be asking this Q, I wonder).

Before you have DC do you really know if you'll be good at it? Personally, I confess to lacking soothsayer qualities.

I had the DCs in quick succession (relevant because DC1 was only 5 months when I conceived DC2 and thus I wasn't full established in the maternal role, in fact, I was deep in pnd). I love them but I am not a natural parent, whereas DH surpasses me in this skill.

*don't you think seeing the children every other weekend is crap?

I mean every weekend, so 2 days of every 7*

So you want them every weekend? When will your ex spend downtime with them?

YANBU to not want custody of the children. You have been honest with yourself and worked out how you feel. You have been brave admitting that as it goes against what society expects.

Now you need to sit down and think how that will affect the children. They have also grown up in a society which expects the mother to be the one who stays, so emotionally that may be really hard for them if you are the one to move out. You say he is better. Can you improve? You have them now!

yanbu. My ds lives with his father, ds stays with me two weekday nights and Sunday. I had a breakdown (depression/anxiety) and I asked my ex if he could take over the main parenting role. Ds was 4 at the time and it was best for him. I pay maintenance and am now in a better place. I work full time, enjoy every second I spend with my son. I had to do what was best for him. Could you have a similar arrangement? It means we both get fun at the weekends as well as school things to.

Fully prepared for a flaming here.

I'd be very surprised if you got residency every weekend.

And if you are planning to live a long way away from where they live in the week what will happen when they are in sports teams/drama clubs/invited to school friends parties?

Hold on a sec.

You just said that your DH is the primary parent but you were a SAHM for 4 years, and your oldest DC is 4 years old - so surely you have been the primary caregiver?

You do realise there are other options - 50/50 does not mean 50/50. It can mean picking up from school, having them on school nights etc.

OP reading this thread has made me wonder why you bothered having them at all?

It bothers me every time someone comes up with this.

I don't take issue with any parent rationally and calming deciding what is best for their children when a family breaks down and agreeing their roles accordingly - no rules that say the owner of the womb MUST be primary carer. I do think however that your PND is still very much a factor - you perhaps write dispassionately (I do myself) but the fact is that your OP screams that you want to check out of your family life entirely and distance yourself from your children. I would be surprised if you are actually out of your depressive state.

"I was a man would you be asking this Q"

If you were a man I would be saying a LOT more. No one would be worrying if PND was still affecting you then and trying to understand. They'd just dismiss you as a selfish, unfeeling crappy parent.

have you dealt with the PND?

I don't know if one ever really deals with it in the absolute sense. I guess I learnt a lot about myself through that experience.