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Original poster

To not want custody

400 replies

SilentPonderings · 21/04/2015 09:18

Background:

10 year marriage.
2 kids (aged 3 and 4).
Marriage breakdown imminent.

I was a SAHM for 4 years. Hated it (pnd, amongst other things). Now I work fulltime - it is definitely where I belong. Wage is low but with great opportunity for advancement (I'm being trained).

AIBU to not want custody of the children? It seems very atypical for a woman to declare this. Essentially I want to take the traditionally masculine role of moving out of the family home and seeing the children at the weekends.

OP posts:
Original poster
SilentPonderings · 21/04/2015 10:30

I do a reasonable job of 'fake it till you make it', helped along by large quantities of anti-depressants and child-free time.

That's me!!

Although, I'm sure a vocal majority of this thread would label us selfish cunts.

OP posts:
FirstWeTakeManhattan · 21/04/2015 10:31

People may comment that I sound selfish, but I'm engaging in reflection and self-awareness. Surely quality over depressed quantity is better for the children?

Reflection and self-awareness, always good. Facing up to your issues, also good.

It's really hard being a parent to young children sometimes. Lots of parents find it very tough, see themselves turn into husks of their former selves and wonder how much good they can be doing to these young minds if they feel crap about it all.

I don't think it is as black and white as 'quality over depressed quantity' when it comes to your role as your children's mother. This will affect them for the rest of their lives. Forge your path, do what makes you feel better about your career etc, but please don't underestimate the impact on your little children.

I know someone (much older than me) who did this when her children were 2 and 3 years old, years and years ago. She is still judged now, rightly or wrongly. Her sons have only just started to let her back into their lives (they are grown men now). She will never have a normal relationship with her grandchildren - her sons just don't trust her, knowing she is capable of walking away from them.

I can't fall into the 'hey, do what you feel is right' camp. I think the short and long term needs of your children should come first. That might fit with your plans, or it might not. Just don't assume phrases such as 'but that 20% is stellar' will cover it. You do sound somewhat detached, OP and I wonder if you should first seek more help, post-PND, before taking this step?

Personal happiness, and following one's own ideal is admirable, but now I'm a parent, those things come second to my children's happiness. Not everyone agrees, and that's fine.

Good luck OP.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 21/04/2015 10:31

I do a reasonable job of 'fake it till you make it', helped along by large quantities of anti-depressants and child-free time.

That's how I did it. Sometimes I wonder if I have made it yet.

Rinoachicken · 21/04/2015 10:32

I'm another fake til you make it dosed up an antidepressants

I still think YABU because neither is putting the children first

HeadDoctor · 21/04/2015 10:33

Although, I'm sure a vocal majority of this thread would label us selfish cunts.

Lovely. Perhaps they just see it from a different perspective? You clearly don't want to know whether you are being unreasonable or not as you have decided what you are doing is right and that's fine. I just think you should consider all of the potential consequences rather than trying to avoid the things you don't want to hear.

NeedABumChange · 21/04/2015 10:33

YANBU to not want them full time. YABU to have the attitude you have. I don't think you should see them at all you sound so cold about them, moving away from them to be closer to work. Seriously I think they'd adjust better to not having a mum to having one sometimes who doesn't want them. And I'd say the same to a man.

Fauxlivia · 21/04/2015 10:33

Just to be clear, I judge men who leave their kids without a backward glance. I consider them to be despicable human beings. Not putting the OP in that category because she does intend to see them and contribute to the financial cost of raising them but I honestly can't get my head around how a parent can not want to see their children every day and as much as I am trying to not judge, I am.

I know you want your career and I am not saying you shouldn't have it but regardless of whether you are 'good' at parenting, you are a mother and what's good for your dc has to come first. That's the deal you made whether you like it or not. I don't think that choosing to live in another city etc is what's best for them.

I do feel sad for your kids because it seems like neither you or their dad really wants them.

Momagain1 · 21/04/2015 10:35

*Does your ex work?

Will his career be affected?*

What?

Both parents careers will both be affected. Why should his matter to her any more than her own?

Rinoachicken · 21/04/2015 10:36

I think the point is that both careers should matter equally - so far it's all what's best for OP

Fauxlivia · 21/04/2015 10:36

It matters because he is going to be the one with the kids. His state of mind affects how he will care for them.

It might also affect the financial arrangements between them

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 21/04/2015 10:37

Why should his matter to her any more than her own?

Because ultimately it will impact on their shared arrangements and their children, possibly?

PrimalLass · 21/04/2015 10:38

Men do what the op wants to do every day. They get very little criticism.

IME they get huge amounts of criticism.

Nellagain · 21/04/2015 10:40

Yep fake it till you make it was me too at that stage.

And sometimes that has to be good enough. Under 5s are fetishists in our society. Ibe had 3 of them that age and almost shudder when I see parents with those age of dc. It is so different when they are older. some of us are more suited to parenting older age kids. Some are less suited to teenagers than babies.

I'm not sure either that 20%stellar parenting is better for the kids. I'm more inclined to think consistency. No that does not mean you should give up your job!

I just think you're looking very short term over an arrangement with very long term consequences. Some of which may be unseen.

I agree with you we don't know what we will be like as parents. The trouble is Once you have them then it is a case of suck it up.
I actually think your dh is right. It should be 50/50. Whether that is with the same rationale I'm not sure.

MonkeyMonkeyUnderpants · 21/04/2015 10:40

Hi OP, I just wanted to share the point of view of a child from a family breakdown where the mum was the NRP.

My parents split up when I was 5 and I stayed with my dad, my mum moved out and started a new life with my step dad. I visited her every weekend until I hit my teens when time with friends and homework stopped me going so much. We don't have a great relationship. Even now, 20 years after the break up. She tried to get involved in school stuff and always came to plays and events in and out of school but that didn't mean that I didn't resent her leaving or that I understood. I felt unwanted by her.

Please understand that no matter the quality or quantity of the time you spend with your DC the relationship ending between your self and your DH will affect them. There is no escaping that.

Sorry if this isn't too helpful I just wanted to provide a slightly different perspective.

Nellagain · 21/04/2015 10:41

under 5s are fetishised in our society.

exWifebeginsat40 · 21/04/2015 10:42

OP, my mother left my brother and sister when they were 7 and 5 to pursue her new life with my stepdad. she took me with her, aged 2.

we are 48, 45 and 42 now and none of us see her. knowing as a child that a parent 'didn't want you' no matter how the circumstance manifests itself can be hugely damaging.

you must in the end do what you feel is best - however please don't underestimate the effect this may have on your children.

madreloco · 21/04/2015 10:42

Both parents careers will both be affected. Why should his matter to her any more than her own?

Again, because his career will have more impact on the children than hers will if he has them full time, and we presume she cares about that?
The leaving parent of either gender needs to care about such things.

Original poster
SilentPonderings · 21/04/2015 10:42

have you had any counselling for your marriage

I desperately need this, but to my knowledge it is expensive. I pray someone can correct me?

OP posts:
Maroonie · 21/04/2015 10:45

Lots of people saying he doesn't want them- to me it sounds like he just wants a say and isn't just going along with OP's proposal.
Which could be as OP suggested purely to argue with Her (which isn't hwlpful but happens when people are hurt)
It could also be that he feels like they agreed to have children together and it now looks like she is walking away and dumping it all on him.
Obviously this is common when a marriage breaks down (whatever the gender of the RP) but I think it's probably understandable to be trying to keep some sort of control over his life during a traumatic event.

OutragedFromLeeds · 21/04/2015 10:46

You live with the children now and only see them 20% of the time. Why would this change if they lived with you post-divorce?

The issue isn't whether the children live with you or not, but whether you'll be able to keep working.

You need good, reliable childcare. Then it won't matter where they are resident. You can still work and spend 50% of evenings and weekends with them.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 21/04/2015 10:46

I'm going to try to walk the middle of the road here. If the OP and her ex are able to put the children's needs first and work out a schedule that allows her to have the children 2 (perhaps 3) days a week and him the rest, and everyone is reasonably okay with it, then I don't see the problem. Yes, it is probably not great that the dad seems to be looking at residency as a bargaining chip, rather than what is best for the children, but we'll try to give him the benefit of the doubt here, as the OP states he is actually very good with the children.

The OP has said she wants to spend regular time with the children, is definitely going to be supporting them financially, and clearly wants to combine being able to have her career with having quality time with her children while making sure they have a good amount of time with their father as well.

Not sure why people are jumping all over her, tbh. Confused It's not like she's come on here and said "I can't stand the little varmints, I was my ex to take them away." I just don't see anything wrong with what she is proposing, as long as her ex is willing to go along with it and it's what is best for the children.

SummerHouse · 21/04/2015 10:49

Circs aside the hardest thing overall I think is to be a lone parent, full time worker with no support. So whatever happens you and your partner have each other and his parents so hopefully you can find the right way for you all.

Mrsjayy · 21/04/2015 10:49

I actually think 50/50 would be better for the children but its not my children its the op and her husbands children they need to decide they are in the middle of a tit for tat they need a bloody good shake and sort this imo their feeling are secondary to the childrens but the op shouldnt be judged for swanning off because she is their mum

OOAOML · 21/04/2015 10:50

There are some charities that will provide counselling on a voluntary donation basis - might be worth checking with your GP surgery?

PisforPeter · 21/04/2015 10:55

This is such a sad post Sad