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Original poster

To not want custody

400 replies

SilentPonderings · 21/04/2015 09:18

Background:

10 year marriage.
2 kids (aged 3 and 4).
Marriage breakdown imminent.

I was a SAHM for 4 years. Hated it (pnd, amongst other things). Now I work fulltime - it is definitely where I belong. Wage is low but with great opportunity for advancement (I'm being trained).

AIBU to not want custody of the children? It seems very atypical for a woman to declare this. Essentially I want to take the traditionally masculine role of moving out of the family home and seeing the children at the weekends.

OP posts:
flora717 · 21/04/2015 09:52

Every weekend. I mean access only every weekend is unfair on children and the parent shouldering the week.
By school age the only in the week parent takes on all the school work, school run, and doesnot get the opportunities to relax, have fun with children and vice versa. My ex refuses to take anything other than weekends. Therefore he doesn't get them all as I have wider family my girls benefit from, we have weekends relaxing together as well. He doesn't bother too much and refuses any suggestions of time in their week. It's sad really.

LaurieFairyCake · 21/04/2015 09:53

why do you think your ex is trying to use the children as a pawn? I ask because it might be better for you to say you do want them full time so you eventually get what you want and he thinks he 'wins'.

It's clear he's quite angry and I'm asking why. Does he want to force you to stay in the relationship?

Rinoachicken · 21/04/2015 09:53

Agree with queen

it's like you are hoping for an easy opt out of parenting duties, even moving to a different city to get away from it

Nellagain · 21/04/2015 09:53

If I was resident parent...I would be pissed off at other parent having the nice easy time every weekend without having to deal with school and school related childcare. It is all the pressure and none of the fun.

3&4 are hard ages. However 7 and above are fun. you both seem to be thinking in the here and now. The dc are going to change rapidly in the next 2 yrs because of school. You need to be thinking 2 or 3 yrs ahead.

Never mind setting the bar at what you hear of crap non resident fathers doing. that isn't acceptable with them and shouldn't be with you.
good parenting isn't gendered into his and hers roles.

madreloco · 21/04/2015 09:53

Orlando- could you explain why she needs to consider his career if they're no longer a couple?

If she's leaving him to raise 2 children full time, she should pause to think about whether he will be able to afford to, if he has to reduce his hours etc?

NerrSnerr · 21/04/2015 09:54

Just make sure the children are out of earshot when discussing this- however young they'll pick up on the face their parents are fighting over who doesn't get custody.

lemonhope · 21/04/2015 09:54

have you dealt with the PND?

I don't know if one ever really deals with it in the absolute sense. I guess I learnt a lot about myself through that experience.

That's sad. You can absolutely deal with it. I had PND but it is in no way part of my life now or influences my relationship with my kids. (my oldest is 16 youngest is 10)

Mrsjayy · 21/04/2015 09:55

I think you should just leave it would be better for tthe children bickering over who gets them willl do them no good just because you carried them doesnt mean you are the best parent for them if you have shared care you will just resent them and how is that fair on a 2 and 4 year old

AtomicDog · 21/04/2015 09:55

Orlando- I think in the main men are not judged for acting like that.
OP states now she has no problem paying maintenance (morally not financially I mean).
There are such double standards on this thread.
Is it any wonder people get PND when they are constantly judged on their parenting and even how much they 'want' their children.
OP has stated the children's father is a better parent, and she wants what is best for them

How is that a bad thing?

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 21/04/2015 09:55

I think you leaving will cause more disruption than you think, you've been SAHM for 4 years and your oldest is 4, so you've been the primary carer until recently.

And its unlikely you will get every weekend, every other weekend and a day during the week is the norm.

HubrisNemesis · 21/04/2015 09:56

Again, people are pathologising as 'detached' and 'unnatural' a situation in which I don't see any signs of illness or oddity. The OP recognises she is not someone to whom parenting comes easily, and thinks the children would be better off spending more time with their primary career, their father.

Micah · 21/04/2015 09:56

There's nothing wrong with every weekend, if both parents agree.

When DH split he had them every weekend fri- sun eve, and wednesdays after school. His ex was more than happy with this as she wanted weekends to herself.

Although Dh's ex did it that way as it meant she only had to get them ready for school in the am and bed in the evening, as they were at DH's mum 8-6 while she worked. So she got RP, full maintenance, free childcare, and free weekends. Didn't actually have to spend quality time with them.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 21/04/2015 09:57

Well, it's not really about just what you want, it's about coming to a mutually agreeable solution to childcare when you divorce. Your children need full-time care and as their parents, you need to work this out together.

My brother and I only saw our dad every other Saturday (nothing during the week) and although I have an okay relationship with my dad we're not particularly close. Seeing someone for one day out of 14 isn't great and as I got older, I worked on Saturday mornings, then went out with friends in the afternoons/evenings. We just saw each other less and less, then I went to uni and never returned to my home town. I still see my dad and occasionally phone but I see my mum much more. It's not a gender thing, it's an access thing, we just didn't have enough time together to get really close.

Mrsjayy · 21/04/2015 09:58

3 and 4 sorry

flora717 · 21/04/2015 09:58

If both parents could work out how to smoothly transition the children through a fair balance of time with 2 parents able to pursue their careers to a reasonable degree as a priority that would surely be best. OP appears to be very much concentrating on getting out of this family as much as possible. No idea for the reasons of the marriage breakdown so I understand this could be part of it. But the interest in working with the other parent for the children is lacking. They really need to get that part in place first.

SuperMumTum · 21/04/2015 09:58

I think YANBU. When I had PND this was a line of thought I explored and I think there has been a lot of sexism on this thread fwiw. Plenty of men leave the family home with barely a backward glance and are content to see their DC every other weekend. Its considered quite normal. Just because you are a woman you are expected to naturally want to have them all the time. I do agree that I hope your DC feel more loved and wanted than your posts suggest however.

TheWildRumpyPumpus · 21/04/2015 09:59

If DH and I were to break up then he would 'keep' the children - like you OP I had PND and have never truly enjoyed being a mother - many years of therapy have not succeeded in overcoming the fact that I actually wouldn't have kids again given my time over.

I do a reasonable job of 'fake it till you make it', helped along by large quantities of anti-depressants and child-free time. There is no way in the world that I could have sole responsibility for them 5 days a week.

And to whoever said 'Why did you bother having children', that's really really helpful. I obviously planned to feel this way before I had them, and revel in the misery it has caused our little family.

PippiLicious · 21/04/2015 10:00

How about them living with your ex during the week and you both hire a nanny or they go to nursery/childminder?

I agree with others who have said the "every weekend" option seems unfair. I'd be seriously pissy if I was separated from my h and he insisted on having the fun weekends while I was stuck with the Mon -Fri slog.

It won't be long until they're at school FT and you can share them over the holidays.

justonemoretime2p · 21/04/2015 10:01

You said they would be better with him as he does more but you have been a SAHM for all of DC's lives. Am I missing something?

ditavonteesed · 21/04/2015 10:01

Its not about gender, its not about you being the mum, It is fine for children to be raised in any situation which suits the family. It is about the fact that neither of you want these children, and they will know tha, if not now then at some point. Can you image the emotional damage that will be caused by knowing niether of you parents wants you.

fuzzywuzzy · 21/04/2015 10:05

OP maintenance is 20% salary for two children after deductions.

e can argue that if you have the children every weekend e wont get any fun downtime with them, it may be better to go for every other weekend and half of all school holidays and alternating Christmas.

However, have you had any counselling for your marriage, PND?

Have you had any time away from the children since you had them?

Sounds more to me like you are ground down.

I absolutely do not think as a parent it is wrong if you are choosing the least disruptive option for the children during a marriage breakdown.

It might make emotive reading that a mother wants to be the NRP, but I think that's more a cultural issue, we so very rarely see RP's who are fathers. I know of one and he fought tooth and nail for his children and is an amazing dad.

flora717 · 21/04/2015 10:05

I'm not saying for sexist reasons. Men/ Women walking away from their children to pursue their own career wealth. Give me some rage. But as OP acknowledges. Many people discover they're not great at parenting and many people don't do responsibility either. It's not really about gender. Families should be pressured into putting the children first on a breakup.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 21/04/2015 10:05

I had PND, bad to the point I dreaded being alone with DD. Then my ex walked out on me and DD. I was face with a choice of DD being forcefully adopted when SS were on the scene or get myself together for her sake. I choose to get the help and now DD is 8. I do the parenting 7 days a week. But I wouldnt be without her.

diddl · 21/04/2015 10:05

Just because you feel that your husband is better at parenting, doesn't mean that as little time as possible with you is the way to go!

Will your husband deal well with school runs & homework?

It#s about what's best for the children, not easiest for you two!

Mrsjayy · 21/04/2015 10:06

Just because she has been at home doesnt mean she is a better parent mums stay at home for all sorts of reasons id imagine the op is doing the day to day stuff and her dc is more the natural parent.