To not want custody

[SilentPonderings]

Background:

10 year marriage.
2 kids (aged 3 and 4).
Marriage breakdown imminent.

I was a SAHM for 4 years. Hated it (pnd, amongst other things). Now I work fulltime - it is definitely where I belong. Wage is low but with great opportunity for advancement (I'm being trained).

AIBU to not want custody of the children? It seems very atypical for a woman to declare this. Essentially I want to take the traditionally masculine role of moving out of the family home and seeing the children at the weekends.

I don't think it's unreasonable to not want custody/be the primary carer or whatever the current name for it is. Each to their own. People will judge you for it, it's whether or not that judgement will affect you from a depression perspective that you should consider and take steps to get help for your mental health if that's appropriate.

OP you've said that you have a new job, which has good prospects for career advancement but is currently not particularly well paid. Difficult to know if you mean £10k or £35k though so I'll assume it is enough to live on without too many luxuries. From a practical perspective have you considered how you will fund a home closer to the city [usually at a higher price] which is appropriate to take your two children to at the weekend? How you will manage transport costs etc?

If you have only just gone back to work, I would personally give it some time before taking off to the city. I don't underestimate the sheer euphoria of escaping the often drudgery of being a SAHP but its a huge adjustment for your children to make, to so quickly to move to only seeing you two days a week?

Or is there more at play here? Are you just married to a controlling twerp who you want to escape from at any costs. Remember, you might not be the Mum of the Year by whatever set of criteria you hold yourself to, but your kids still love you.

There are plenty of us on MN who would do anything to avoid a mother and baby group, have zero interest in home craft activities and automatically schedule in Cbeebies just to have a shower in peace without WWII kicking off. I couldn't wait to get back to work and while there's the odd day, mostly I wouldn't consider being a SAHP. If DH is away, I often feel suffocated at the lack of headspace and dream of a cottage in the country just for me for the weekend.

What you are proposing is unusual and a lot of the comments above have inferred that its off the back of PND and something you might regret later. For your own sake, I would try to give yourself a bit more time to settle back in at work, whether your marriage is irretrievably broken down or not, and consider a 50:50 arrangement for a while to assess if it works for you and your children.

OP, If DH and I ever split (hopefully never!) then DH would take the DC full time, I would see them when I wanted to, I would always live close by.

I couldn't cope with them on my own, I have MH issues and he is by far the better parent. I have always been a SAHM/student mom, and provide the majority of childcare, but I can only do this with his support, if I didn't have that support I couldn't do it at all.

It bother me, society standard seems to be, from my experience at least, that fathers leave, mothers stay... what will my DC think if I leave, how will they compare our relationship with those of their peers and their mothers? My head says gender of the parent shouldn't matter, but for my children who would be looking around at DC living with their moms and seeing their dads at weekends.... my heart says I would be abandoning them. Fortunately for me, (or unfortunately really) the decision wouldn't be mine to make, it would be a given in my situation.

Its a hard decision OP, good luck with whatever you decide.

Note of caution here - it feels a bit like you've had a terrible time with PND, and not really had the support you needed. Getting away from it all may seem like a solution but it's not really - moving to another city to be closer for work is going to create all sorts of issues with travel times/pick ups etc.

We had both Step kids every weekend. In early primary years' you're running from one birthday party to another, plus sports etc so it's not all rainbows and unicorns. If your planning to be in a different city you will be spending a lot of hours sitting in coffee shops waiting for parties to finish - keeping one child 'happy' waiting for another. As they get older you don't want them having to choose between parties, sport etc and seeing you because the distance makes it all impractical. In the first two years' of our relationship we went out 1 Saturday night - 1. We needed to show Skids that they were the priority. You need to think about your social life too.

Also if you are in another city you won't be part of the school community unless you make a huge effort to travel for events - quiz nights, disco's, sports day.

Think about this all carefully.

HeadDoctor you raise a lot of good points (very apt username). My intention in creating this thread was to ascertain the options and the risks of each. It seems that no matter the choice made, there will be damage. My mission is to limit the damage.

Poor children, let them go from having a mother, to only having someone they see every other weekend, but don't you DARE have another baby if you get bored of the city. Children are not a disposable decision. I just hope that they get the daily love and care they need from someone who actually owns a heart and soul.

Orlando-on man yes he would, irl not in my experience!

On mn that should be!

msgrinch can you give me some examples of how you were judged?

Also bear this in mind - you've had your DH with you, coming home at the end of the day and being there on weekends. You will now be alone with them and will need to be okay with coping with that.

I know several people who have separated and many of them do shared care - not 50/50 but certainly not every other weekend.

Having children during the week allows you to be far more involved and also give the other parent down time - or time for their career as well.

Whatever and however you decide to split custody please do not have the conversation in front of the children or anyone that will tell them.

My cousin and her ex were the same , neither wanted the children full time , my cousin ended up with them and has made it clear that she has resented every minute of it .

and i'm not exaggerating when I say that they are 2 of the most screwed up children you will ever meet, one is mid teens and has been brought home by the police on a regular basis, was predicted to do well in her exams and completely failed them all, she has told her friends and teachers that as soon as she turns 16 that she is moving out and will live on the streets rather than stay where she isn't wanted.

her not quite teenage sister is a nervous wreck who regularly has nightmares, has developed an eating disorder and when she tells you something, you have to question what she is saying as she lies about everything even saying things like she hasn't to go to school anymore because she has cancer or aids .

If the children would be better with their dad that's fine but please do not tell them that its because you don't want them

And before anyone criticises me I spoke to my cousin when it was first happening and have had the children around regularly, but it doesn't make a difference as their parents have been selfish enough to only think of themselves .

sorry for the rant that was longer than I wanted

I desperately need this, but to my knowledge it is expensive. I pray someone can correct me?

Cheaper than running two households I'd imagine.

People coming on and making 'why did you have them' comments really aren't helping.

Like some others here, I struggle with parenting. I am nothing like the parent I optimistically hoped I would be. It does not come naturally to everyone, female or not. Not every age is fun, not every child gets easier to parent. I have a 9 year old with ASD and a grumpy pre-teen. I am exhausted, and so relieved that the Easter holidays are over. I work almost full time, but still struggle on the days I am at home. The only reason I haven't gone full-time again is that my day off is (in term time) my chance to hang on to my sanity (but does mean I find the school holidays really difficult). I look at my life and it feels like I am living someone else's life. I try not to let it show.

My husband and I are not getting on well, and one of the things I really struggle with is that I don't think either of us could cope with the children on our own if it should come to splitting up. I also doubt we could afford housing.

When I got married and had my children I didn't imagine feeling like this. I bought into the idea that parenting just comes naturally. I didn't factor in that I might struggle with it, or that my husband and I might end up changing in different ways until we had very little left in common.

Relate do 'discounted' counselling if you would struggle to afford it, and so do other charities, I believe. Definitely worth looking into before discounting it as an option.

Mums at the school would gossip behind my back, there were a lot of rumours as to why ds had moved in with my ex. I lost friends who could not understand that depression is an illness. They just thought I didn't want ds not that I was ill and putting him first.

OOAOML I'm going to phone Relate. Can anyone suggest other organisations?

Wow some nasty posts on here, my kids have more or less 50/50, not legally thats just how it worked out, his DPs worship the kids and help as well, mine don't. I work weird hours, kids go between mine his and his DPs and have for years, works out fine. There is no way i would cope with 3 DC full time or not being able to work. I hated being a SAHM, found it mind numbingly boring, its just not for some people.

For some people the reality is just not what they thought it would be, why force her to be there constantly when she doesn't want to be and DH wants 50/50 or more. The same can be said for DPs forced to take on the role full time who are not coping or have MH issues, this is not a nice place for the kids to be in either

Silent, I would think that counselling is far cheaper than divorce proceedings or indeed childcare. It's got to be the first step, surely?

For what it's worth, I sympathise hugely with the urge to run away from it all, and the cry of 'They'd be far better off without me there'. But I don't think they will.

YABU to have children and then decide a few years down the line you don't want them. Poor children. They didn't ask to be born to selfish parents. You should step up and be a mother.

to OurOneAndOnly. I have one with ASD as well, though I'm lucky enough now to be parenting an exasperating, dithery but delightful near-adult version of his knackering younger self now.

There's nasty posts because there's absolutely no emotion demonstrated in relation to two children, who are being treated like objects 'you have them' and a parent who's looking for ways to distance herself.

if I felt I was a crap parent I'd put myself into improving that before I concentrated on training at work and 'great opportunities for advancement'

Vivienne, dear, bog off. No one decides to have PND.

I can't believe people are trying to persuade you to stay in a marriage you don't want to be in .

And bullshit that men get as much questioning/aggro about whether they work full time with children. They don't. Not on MN. Not in real life.

If they did then the primary care women:men ratio would be much more even. It is still very heavily down to women to be the primary carer. Societal pressure is still concentrated on women's choices around having children.

She is the one who was a SAHM (so he worked). He is now the one changing his tune over 'fighting' for the children. The OP has been constant.

"I just hope that they get the daily love and care they need from someone who actually owns a heart and soul." And that is a truly shitty thing to say to a woman recovering from PND who has given up 4 years of her life doing something she has struggled with.