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Original poster

To not want custody

400 replies

SilentPonderings · 21/04/2015 09:18

Background:

10 year marriage.
2 kids (aged 3 and 4).
Marriage breakdown imminent.

I was a SAHM for 4 years. Hated it (pnd, amongst other things). Now I work fulltime - it is definitely where I belong. Wage is low but with great opportunity for advancement (I'm being trained).

AIBU to not want custody of the children? It seems very atypical for a woman to declare this. Essentially I want to take the traditionally masculine role of moving out of the family home and seeing the children at the weekends.

OP posts:
AtomicDog · 21/04/2015 10:06

OP maybe post in relationships and read Lone Parents thoroughly for a picture of how to be a good non resident parent.
Good luck.

Witchofthenorth · 21/04/2015 10:07

I don't think there is anything wrong at all with the children staying with their father of that's what is better for them. In fact..I am going through the same dilemma myself.

Failed marriage which has left me financially ruined and facing the prospect of moving back home (200 miles from where I currently am) but my oldest is away to start secondary school with his sister starting the following year. In reality, I will take them with me and try to get them through the upheaval, but I can understand why the OP is considering this.

Rinoachicken · 21/04/2015 10:08

No just because she's been SAHM doesn't make her the better you are right, but the OP is a fool if she honestly believes there will be little disruption (her words) when she leaves when she has been at home for all of her DCs lives

halestone · 21/04/2015 10:09

YANBU, however this isn't really a question that can be dealt with on a internet forum.

If you have decided that this is what you want you have to sit down with your ex and work out the logistics. However be prepared for alot of ill feeling from him at the beginning. You should also be prepared for the fact that people will judge you as its not the social norm.

I however agree that you are doing the right thing for you all. If you don't feel you are equipped to look after them, then you probably are not and the DC will be able to sense that.

However please do not lay down the law to your ex in regards to access. He will be dealing with 2 emotional children who won't understand why you have left. Also don't be surprised if they do not want to travel to another city to visit you.

This plan is going to take alot out of you emotionally, so i hope you have a good support network, but also hope you are prepared for your ex's feelings and that of your children.

Original poster
SilentPonderings · 21/04/2015 10:09

parenthood isn't an easy job, and some if us struggle with it constantly

I feel that's me.

Is your separation due to unreasonable behaviour or because of lack of support?

Major incompatibility that has come to ahead.

You say he is better. Can you improve? You have them now!

Thanks for this question, it is constructive. When I look at my parenting, I look at how I was performing as a SAHM (utterly shit, out of my depth, depressed, irritable, snappy) and how I am now (cheerful, engaged, tactile). I have literally gone from spending 100% of my time with them to having an intense career which means that I spend 20% time with them, but that 20% is stellar. People may comment that I sound selfish, but I'm engaging in reflection and self-awareness. Surely quality over depressed quantity is better for the children?

msgrinch did you get judged for being the non-custodial parent? (Not that it really concerns me, but it's interesting to discuss).

Rinoachicken DC1 is about to turn 5. I made the switch from SAHM to WOHM a few months ago.

OP posts:
FirstWeTakeManhattan · 21/04/2015 10:12

Plenty of men leave the family home with barely a backward glance and are content to see their DC every other weekend. Its considered quite normal

Is it?

Leaving the family home without a backward glance and shunting responsibility onto the mother, apart from a jolly outing at the weekend tends to attract a fair amount of criticism, I find.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 21/04/2015 10:13

Plenty of men leave the family home with barely a backward glance and are content to see their DC every other weekend. Its considered quite normal

Exactly what my ex did. I have zero respect for him for doing it too.

TheWitTank · 21/04/2015 10:14

This makes my heart hurt a bit -for the children and the op.
I think you need to put the children first and foremost and consider what will suit them best. A girl in my dd class has to travel to her other parents every weekend -it's a good 3 1/2 hours each way in the car. She hates it, it affects her school work as she is always exhausted on a Monday and she does not get to socialise at the weekends with her friends or go to birthday parties. Consequently she does not enjoy seeing that parent at all.
I'm not going to demonise you about wanting to further your career or nor being a natural parent. However, you need to be fair. It's not all about you and your career and moving to a house that suits you best. You made two children with your partner and you have commitments both financially and emotionally to them. He also needs to maintain a career to enable him to support the children as their primary carer. Just because weekends suit you it may not mean it suits him or the children. Holiday times need to thought about as well as childcare costs and weekend access for him too.
I wish you good luck in sorting it all out, and I hope you can come to some arrangement that the children feel comfortable with.

NickiFury · 21/04/2015 10:16

I think most children just want there parents around as much as possible and even if you think you're doing a crap job they probably don't.

I think you sound really self indulgent and worryingly disengaged from your children but it's been said loads so it's not helpful to keep repeating it I suppose.

BarbarianMum · 21/04/2015 10:16

What is best for children is to have 2 loving parents involved in their lives. What that 'looks' like can take many forms and I think it's sexist to assume that women should always be the main carer.

Having said that, if neither parent wants to be the resident parent (or, more happily, if both do) then 50:50 is the place to start.

In general though (not directed at you OP) I think eow is pretty crap tbh, although many, many families work this way.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 21/04/2015 10:17

Plenty of men leave the family home with barely a backward glance and are content to see their DC every other weekend. Its considered quite normal

Should point out my ex doesnt do every other weekend either. He does 5 days a year.

Fauxlivia · 21/04/2015 10:19

I think you are unrealistic to believe you will have them every weekend. Your ex will likely want them every other weekend.

Think really carefully about this. Are you going to be happy living in a city that is far away from your dc? More to the point, how will your children feel as they get older and realise that you have made a deliberate choice to live far away from them? Whatever you do you have to be so careful to not make them feel abandoned because what you are doing is far outside the social norms. I'm sorry, but I think your children will judge you.

My friend has recently separated from her h and he has moved out. Even though my friend remains primary carer, the absence of the dad is having a big impact on the dc. Don't underestimate this, especially as your dc will be unlikely to know many other kids whose mother has chosen to opt out of being the primary carer.

IKnowIAmButWhatAreYou · 21/04/2015 10:20

Interesting how so many people are determined to shoehorn the OP into her "rightful" place of mother & homemaker and career be damned.

Stick to your guns OP, other people have done it and done it well. This time in a relationship is going to be traumatic for the kids (and adults) anyway, as long as you keep discussions away from the kids hearing I think you should carry on & do what's best for you as well as the kids.

Lancelottie · 21/04/2015 10:20

You say 'I look at how I was performing as a SAHM (utterly shit, out of my depth, depressed, irritable, snappy) and how I am now (cheerful, engaged, tactile).'

I can't know the ins and outs of your relationship, but is it possible that the new, cheerful, refreshed you might gradually find that the marriage also improves now that you are happier? Could you give it some time?

Mrsjayy · 21/04/2015 10:21

Any family break up will disrupt childens lives it isnt going to be easy for any of them the op isnt a sahp now she is working regardless of that her leaving is going to disrupt her children it is a sad fact of life their mum and dad are not going to be in the same house it doesnt matter that she was a sahp it is going to be difficult for them

Jackieharris · 21/04/2015 10:22

Wow such double standards on this thread!

Op I understand where you are coming from. I actually just started another thread on fwr this morning pondering similar issues.

Men do what the op wants to do every day. They get very little criticism.

Op if you think your ex will get nasty be aware you can't compel him to have them at all. I had a friend who tried to leave her arsehole ex but couldn't when she realised he was under no obligation to continue providing 'childcare' for the hours that she worked at the weekend. Keep in mind that at any time he can just opt to leave you as a ft working mum with him demanding the fun times at the weekend and you will either have to take it or leave it. It's sh**.

But if you are unhappy and sure about leaving that will still be better than the status quo.

SoonToBeSix · 21/04/2015 10:23

Yes yabu, do you really think fathers choose only to see their dc at weekends. For every decent father it would be extremely upsetting for them not to live with/ see their dc daily. Yet that is something you would willingly choose?

OrlandoWoolf · 21/04/2015 10:23

nteresting how so many people are determined to shoehorn the OP into her "rightful" place of mother & homemaker and career be damned

There is a middle ground between full time career and full time residency. An ex parent who only wants to see their kids every other weekend and focus on their career whilst leaving the RP to cope with kids full time and all that entails.

OrlandoWoolf · 21/04/2015 10:24

jackie

I bet if a man posted that he only wanted to see his kids every other weekend, he would also face criticism.

HeadDoctor · 21/04/2015 10:25

I don't think quality over quantity is always best actually and I think the gender thing is a red herring. I don't think it's fair on the children for either parent to opt out of the majority of parents and that applies whether the family unit is intact or not.

It's not the children's fault that neither of you can put your needs aside. As adults, it's your responsibility to meet their needs. If on some level you regret having children that's your issue to deal with. Not theirs.

What happens if your DHs standard of care drops as a result of you jumping ship? Divorce has a huge effect on people. What will you do about the impact on the children then?

I also think you need to consider things longer term. How will you feel if/when your DH meets someone else, remarried and your childrens stepmother plays a larger role in their life than you do? What if your children get angry with you for your decision to walk away and decide they don't want a relationship with you when they are old enough to choose for themselves?

Go steady. It's an emotional time and if your PND wasn't properly resolved and you're fearful of ending up back there then you may be making a decision out of fear rather than in the children's best interests.

NerrSnerr · 21/04/2015 10:25

It's not a our gender, it's that neither parent wants to be resident parent. How utterly shit is that for a child?

msgrinch · 21/04/2015 10:26

Yes I got horribly judged, especially by mums at school. It's loads better now though.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 21/04/2015 10:28

The usual contact for separated parents is every other weekend and one night in the week, plus half of school holidays. Every weekend is often dire for the RP as they get no fun time and no break from the grind.
If you look at that as your starting point and also reconsider moving away from them I think yanbu.

NerrSnerr · 21/04/2015 10:28

'It's not about gender'

OrlandoWoolf · 21/04/2015 10:29

We do 2 nights a week plus one night / one day at the weekend. Works for both of us - and DS seems happy.

Works for us and our jobs,