Can a marriage be saved from a passionate affair? UPDATED

[Truly40]

After lurking on here a while, and re-reading most of the advice and support given on the original thread to my situation last year, I've decided to 'come out' and update all those MNers who invested their time, and gave wise words of advice which I wasn't ready to accept and didn't have enough of a rational viewpoint to value at the time.

DH did decide at the time to stay with me and end the affair. But we just carried on with the hysterical bonding, and carried on with the frantic work / family life without addressing the underlying issues within our marriage, and as someone previously said while I was busy trying to repair the relationship, I ignored the fact that I couldn't repair the man.

It's not a suprise then, that the affair re-started earlier this year - that DH had not maintained distance from OW, and 5 weeks ago he walked out on me and the children following a final ultimatum from the OW.

They have already moved in together, and whilst it is early days on the emotional rollercoaster that I am now on, I am at least able to have some clarity and respite from the intensity of last year's situation.

I have now started counselling on my own, the children have been told he is working away at the moment whilst the initial dust settles, and he visits on the weekend, and is at least now spending quality time with them, and perhaps starting to realise the consequences of his reckless, selfish actions.

I don't know where things will go from here, but my priority is to gain strength and some self-respect to make the right decisions for myself and the children.

He is already expressing doubts as to his decision to leave, saying he will come to counselling, and that he is appalled and ashamed at his behaviour.

Whether this is guilt and self-pity or genuine remorse, remains to be seen in his future course of action.

I just feel ready to let those Mners who followed my thread last year know the outcome, and to acknowledge that in retrospect a great deal of sensible and wise advice was wasted on me at the time.

I hope that I will be a wiser, stronger person dealing with the situation this time around.

'He is already expressing doubts as to his decision to leave, saying he will come to counselling, and that he is appalled and ashamed at his behaviour'

Tell him you don't want to hear it. He had his chance and he has blown it.

When he is around, hold your head high, look good and act like you're on top of the world.

Dismiss what he says.

Always look at what a man does. Especially men like him.

Truly I remember your thread. I'm so sorry you had to find out the hard way. How are you finding the counselling? I remember you as being very strong, please don't be too hard on yourself for being in love and trying to save your marriage. You will be able to draw on that strength to keep things together for yourself and dcs now.

Don't take any more shit from him.
Move on with your life
His conscience is no concern of yours what so ever, don't listen to his pitiful bollocks.

Please dont lie to the children. They probably know that something is not right.

Good God, AF was bang on the money with 9 months, wasn't she?

I'm very sorry this has happened to you, but yes, you are right - YOU must make the right decisions. You cannot afford, for your kids, to be a passive bystander waiting for him to decide.

And really, there's only one possible decision you can come to after all this, isn't there?

I agree with the don't lie to the children advice. They have to know that they can trust you to tell them the truth.

Please whatever you do, keep your dignity and do not consider taking him back again. He is taking the piss now!

Don't allow him to keep his options open with you. As in allowing him to come back to you. He shouldn't be allowed that luxury anymore.

Please tell me you're not considering taking him back if he changes his mind re. OW?

"Whether this is guilt and self-pity or genuine remorse, remains to be seen in his future course of action"

Does it matter? he's shown what he's capable of, time and time again. He's not worth your trust, not one bit, regardless of what he says or does now surely.

And I agree, don't lie to the children. Someone will say something to them and it will be much better coming from you.

A hug from me.

I think you know that while it was worth giving him the benefit of the doubt the first time, he showed his true colours in due time.
I think the advice was what you made of it, even if you only take it now, or even never. Never wasted.

What are you prepared to accept? Him constantly moving between you and the OW, or someone else?

I think this, from your OP is key
"I am at least able to have some clarity and respite from the intensity of last year's situation."
What do you prefer?

Wishing you all the best.

I remember your thread (have name changed since)
I'm sorry you are now deing with this. I wish you well.

I'm about 8 weeks into counselling and it's really helping me. So go slow, head high and don't ever judge yourself.

Stay strong. You've been to hell and back and then hell again - but although it may not seem like it at the moment you are on a new road now! It's so hard to see the trueth of a person when they are hidding the real them from you. Look at it this way, you tried and it didn't work, if you hadn't tried you'd allways be thinking "what if....", but you did try and you tried very hard but it still didn't work and it never will. Your a stronger better person then he'll ever be. He's a weak man living in fear.

Hi Truly, I remember your thread and think I posted on there with an old name.

Sorry the twat has let you down again.

You aren't thinking of going to counselling with him, are you? Please don't. You need to bring this situation to an end now, the control is with you. There's no point any more with him, he's done you over twice, that's enough.

Oh goodness, I am so sorry for everything you have been through.

He's a poor confused bastard isn't he? You can help him by making up his mind for him. You'll be doing a favour to everyone concerned (esp you and the kids)... with the exception of the OW who gets the booby prize.

I absolutely don't blame you for hoping your marriage could recover.

He's shown he's just interested in him and he's not going to change. He's cheated on you yet again when you'd thought he was investing in your marriage.

If you ever took him back he'd do it a third time and you don't deserve the shit he's putting you through.

I was on your thread Truly and got very cross with you.

Hold your head high, and move on with your life. This utter prick isn't fit to lick your boots. He will probably try and come back (again) when his earthly paradise turns out to be just mundane real life after all. They do.

I really hope by then you'll have changed the locks and are strong enough to tell him to fuck off and never come anywhere near you again. Pathetic little man.

Dear Truly, first of all do not beat up yourself because you tried to rebuild your marriage. All the intense efforts in the past year are to your credit. You proved that you did your best for the family sake. Now how to proceed from where you are now? IMO:
1- Tell the kids the truth: you and your H do love the kids but will not live anymore together as a couple. If you feel OK on your own they will feel OK about themselves and the situation.
They probably felt the stress and intensity of last year. Kids feel that. Now they will be in a clear cut situation and it is better for them.
When to tell the truth? IMO when they have some school holidays and you can be with them for a few days. So that straight after the truth you have few fun days together and you empower them before they go back to school.
2- Go to counseling ON YOUR OWN. Be the strong woman and mother you can become.
3- About him: leave him out of the equation until you feel strong on your own. If he wants he can leave the OW, but IMO you should not accept him back straight away. He must do some work on his own. He must go to counseling on his own before he even dare approaching you again. When he knows well what he wants and when you feel strong then your feelings will settle, clear out and you will find what is the best for you. But before you even consider rekindling your relationship you must allow time plenty of time to heal and for your feelings to settle.
Now focus on the kids and on your own counseling. IMO, you must tell him that he can do what he wants as long as he is not in your home. He can stay with the OW or go on counseling as long as it is separate from yours. You need to see clear in yourself and relax from the intensity of last year first. Good Luck!

Oh Jesus - DO NOT TAKE HIM BACK.
he's fucked you over twice already and he's gearing up to do it a third time.
he's a total wanker.
do not subject yourself to any further horseshit from him.
divorce the bastard and move on.
you're wasting your life on this prick.

I think that it's brave of you to come back and give that update. I hope it that it helps other women who read our dire predictions to realise that there's a history of evidence to suggest some truth to what we say.

For you, I hope that you continue to go get the support you need on here.

04 a woman's life can not be about patching herself up in preparation for the next load of shit a man wants to put her through. It might be your choice for your relationship but please don't foist it on everyone else.

Can't help but agree with Hiding above.. He will do it again.

I really hope you genuinely do find clarity as it sounds as though you are still thigh high in the fog.. but you will and then you'll see he is not worth it!

Best of luck to you

I rarely get involved in threads like this but please do not take him back. Build yourself up, be the best person and mum that you can be, be kind to yourself. He sounds like a selfish arse and he is the worst sort of weak.

You really can do better.

Of course if you really want revenge, record one of his little 'I'm regretting leaving you' speeches and save it as a bomb to drop at a later date - like if OW is being a bitch. Handy to have a reminder that she's only won the booby prize.

Please don't leave the door open for him to come back and mess you about again, he's had plenty chances, too many, in fact get your head round it being over, if you take him back when things don't work out with the OW, you will be down the same road again, he can't stay faithful to you, he will cheat again.

Please move on with your life and stop giving him such high priority, he's never done that for you.

Oh you poor love. When you say he is back on the weekends to visit the children , do you let him visit them in your home?

Thanks all.

Lweji - yes, much easier to get through the week on my own - and have some peace to read, think and pick myself back up.

Yes, AF's prediction of 9 mths was so hurtful and offensive at the time - but annoyingly accurate!!

I did want to tell the children over the Easter break, but he has either been too emotional or has turned the conversation to 'I just need some time to straighten myself out / maybe we could work things out / I walked out in panic / can we not put on an united front for now '

Avoiding the tough stuff as usual.

He has started to interact much more with the children, and admits he has been detached from them for the last year. As a result, he's very emotional, putting them to bed etc and says that connecting with them, has made him realise he also still feels connected to me. But I've pointed out that this is just going to confuse them when we tell them we're separating.

DH's adult children and all parents have been told everything, and are being hugely supportive.

He admits he is still trying to compartmentalize OW / me and the children - because he can't cope with the likely consequences on the children - and OW only understands his commitment to them 'to a certain extent'.

He's treated me appallingly, but then I also think he's treated OW quite appallingly, and is still not being truthful to her. He's turned from a selfless, caring man to a selfish, callous man - and I think it's a rather epic car crash midlife crisis which has arisen from stressful job, young children, hitting 50 this year, dissatisfaction with life.

But as MaMa says - I need to look after myself and the children, he needs to sort himself out (which I think unlikely with OW comforting and stroking his ego) before there can be any discussion as to 'us'.